(NNN) Scene 3

Scene 3: Leith Walk

Outside a kebab shop – enter The Stags; Peanut is dressed as a pig, Barry is dressed as the Fonz & Mojo is dressed as a farmer

TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(We’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Mojo
Wow, that was a reyt night

Peanut
& a brilliant weekend

Barry
Reyt, I’m hungry,

Mojo
Me too, I’m starving

Peanut
I could eat summat

Barry
Let’s go in here then – who wants what, I’ll get ‘em

Mojo
I’ll have a donner kebab, please, no mint sauce

Peanut
Me ‘n’ all – with some chips

Barry
I’ll have a kebab too

Mojo
Get us one of them deep fried mars bars will you – when in Rome & all that

Barry enters the kebab shop

Peanut
What was that you order’d

Mojo
A deep fried mars bar

Peanut
That sounds weird – will it not just melt

Mojo
I never thought about that – bloody hope not

Peanut
If its owt like one of them Stornaway black puddings we had this morning its gonna taste ‘orrible

Mojo
I could eat one of them black puddings you get off Burnley market right now

Peanut
Me n’all – I mean Edinburgh’s alright, but its not Burnley is it

Mojo
Nowhere is, Peanut – but I’m glad we came to Leith – I feel reyt at home – its like Padiham with seagulls

Peanut
O Burn-e-ley

Mojo
O Burn-e-ley

Peanut
Is wonderful

Mojo
Is wonderful

Peanut & Mojo
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
Its full of tits, fannies & Clarets
O Burn-e-ley, is wonderful
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}

Enter Billy

Billy
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit
Its full of daft, six-finger’d Dingles
O Burn-e-ley, is full of shit

Mojo
What the fuck

Peanut
Where are you from

Billy
I’m from Blackburn lads

Peanut
Euugh get away from him, hes got nits

Billy
Fuck off

Mojo
What are you doing up here

Billy
I work here, don’t I

Mojo
Look pal, down there were sworn enemies, but up here us Lancastrians need to stick together alright

Billy
I can deal with that… whats your names?

Mojo
I’m Mojo, this is Peanut

Peanut
& you

Billy
Billy

Peanut
Billy! Billy no mates more like – why ya on your own

Billy
I’ve never quite fitted in up here – I can never understand what them Scots are saying – its just a load of weird noises to me

Peanut
Aye, mate

Billy
So, are you boys on a stag-do or summat

Mojo
Yeah, Baz, the groom, he’s in there, gettin’ kebabs in

Enter Gadgie 1 & Gadgie 2 in rather a drunken jolly – both are wearing Hibs kits & scarves

WHEN THE HIBS GO MARCHING IN

I love you Hibernian cos you are my team
& I’ll follow you always oer mountain & scream
yes I’m one with the Hibees, with them I belong
This team is my reason I’m singing this song
Every season I shall hope for the best
With the badge worn so proudly
In the heart of my chest

You got booked for being ugly (Rock on)
Get fuckin up, its a man’s game (Rock on)
Turnbull’s Tornadoes, Hibernians the name

When I drink in the Albion on a wet night in March
When we play Calley Thistle I’m up with the larch
Cos I love my ain Hibees, with them I feel strong
This team is my reason I’m singing my song
Every season in sunshine & snow
Thro the turnstiles on Hawkhill
With the lads I go

You got booked for being ugly (Rock on)
Rudi Skatchell’s got a lovely, peachy bum (Rock on)
Turnbull’s Tornadoes, Hibernians the name

Gadgie 1
Aye mate, have you got a light

Mojo
A what

Gadgie
He says have you got a light

Mojo
Yeah course mate

Peanut
You guys celebrating?

Gadgie 1
Aye mate, we beat the Jambos 3-0 this afternoon, we’ve been on the lash ever since

Peanut
What are the Jambos

Gadgie 2
The Jambos mate, the Jam Tarts, Hearts

Mojo
Whose been hurt

Billy
He means Heart of Midlothian, its Edinburgh’s other team

Peanut
& you guys support

Gadgie I
Hibernian mate

Gadgie II
The wee team from Leith

Glory, Glory, to the Hibees
Glory, Glory, to the Hibees
Glory, Glory, to the Hibees
When the Hibs go Rocking on….

Exit Gadgie 1 & 2 singing Sunshine on Leith

Mojo
Fuckin’ hell , its worse than Halifax in Leith

Peanut
Mate, you don’t get that in Halifax

Enter the Hens

HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
She’s got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
She’s got no cross to bear
She’s gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a satellite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each was a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill

Enter Barry

Barry
Them kebabs are just coming lads, do you know they don’t even do gravy in Scotland – ooo! owdo girls

Lily, City, Brenda & India
Hello

Mojo
Are you a Hen Party

India
We are

Brenda
Where you from – I love your accent

Peanut
Burnley

Billy
I’m from Blackburn

Peanut
Shut up you, you’re lowering the tone

Barry
{to Billy}
Who the fuck are you?

Peanut
He’s reyt, Barry, he’s our new best mate

Barry
But he’s from Blackburn