SCENE 8: Outside Turf Moor
Liverpool fans are conducting a Youtube interview
Jim
So here we are for Red TV, the Pool have just been played off the park by, dare I say it, Burn-ley
Kevin
It’s a disgrace
Jim
That it is, Kevin, that it is – so can you tell us your thoughts on that pile of absolute shite
Kevin
R.I.P Liverpool, mate, R.I.P Liverpool – the club is dead – losing 4-0 to fuckin’ Burnley – what the fuck’s all that about – I think I’m gonna hand in my season ticket, start watching Everton
Jim
Calm down, calm down, there’s no need to do anything drastic
{noticing Mojo, Barry & Peanut approaching}
Oh fer fuck’s sake
Mojo, Barry, Peanut
Anti football – duh-duh-duh-duh…….
Oh my lads you should have seen em running,
Running down the Brunshaw road the Burnley boys are coming,
All the lads and lasses, & all their smiling faces,
Running down the Brunshaw road,
To see the Burnley Aces…
Jim
Lets get out of this shit-hole
Kevin
We’ll slaughter yous at Anfield
Barry
Hurry up, you’re gonna miss ya train
Exit Jim & Kevin, enter City in disguise
Mojo
That was fucking brilliant
Barry
4-0 – clean sheet – real do
Peanut
Reyt what we doing
Mojo
I fancy ‘Miners, me, Manchester derby’s on
Peanut
Aye, sounds good
Mojo
You coming Baz?
Barry
Nah – I’m best off nipping home – Sharon’s coming round apparently – more o’ this wedding stuff to sort out
Mojo
Suit yourself – well, we’ll see you next week if we don’t see you before
Barry
You’ll see me before, trust me, this wedding’s doin’ mi ‘ead in – in a bit
Exit Mojo & Peanut
City
Hello Barry
{Barry in shock}
I said hello… cat got your tongue
Barry
What the fuck are you doing here!?
City
Turns out I suit claret & blue after all
Barry
This is not happening
City
I had to find you Barry – I was smitten from the moment we met – I can’t get that kiss – that divine meeting of lips & souls – outta my head
Barry
You’re proper off ya rocker you are – love look, I’m gettin married next week – that kiss you’re rattlin on about was a mistake – I wish it had never happened – I’m in bits, I am, I feel well guilty
City
You don’t need to pretend anymore – its me you’re talking too – your soul mate – we love each other
Barry
No we’re not & no we don’t
City
But you knew my starsign
Barry
It was a lucky guess ya mentalist – there’s a one in 12 chance – its better odds than picking an each-way at the national
City
But I love you
Barry
City, you don’t love me, you’re just in love with the idea of being in love – it was fun, yeah, we go on, but you’re clearly insane – & you’re a stalker – &, this, this is the most important, I am loyal
City
Be loyal to me – we’re spirit animals me & you
Barry
Look – there’s nothing I can do – just fuck off
City
What
Barry
Just fuck off
{sees Sharon & Grandad approaching}
Aw shit! It’s Sharon, & Grandad – you really need to leave right now
City
But I’ve come all this way
Barry
I don’t care how far you’ve come – this is harrassment – I’m gonna call the police
City
Alright honey – I know you don’t mean it, but I’ll give you your space if you need it – because I love you
Exit City, enter Sharon & Grandad
Barry
Babycakes! Grandad!
Sharon
Who wer that lass you were talking to?
Barry
Dunno babe – some nutjob tryin’ to blag mi head – she just started chatting to me in the street
Sharon
Well I dont blame her, youre fuckin gorgeous you are – gizza kiss
{they kiss}
So me & your grandad have been practicing our paces for the wedding – I’m so glad your giving me away Pops
Grandad
Shame your mam & dad can’t make it Sharon, but its an honour Sharon, thank-you for asking, I’m happy to stand in
Sharon
I love you Grandad… so, Barry, check this… left foot first Pops
{Sharon & Grandad start pacing}
&… go… keep it steady… nice & slow
{they halt at an imaginary altar}
What do you think
Barry
Superb
Grandad
How did Burnley end up
Barry
4-0
Grandad
4-bloody-0, real do – lets have a drink down’ the Royal Dyche to celebrate
Barry
I wouldn’t if I were you, Granny’s on’ warpath
Sharon
He’ll be reyt, she’s at the bingo int she – they’re both allowed to have a bit of fun, especially on a Sat’day
Grandad
Exactly
Barry
I don’t fancy it myself, Grandad, but we’ll see you at the house – make sure you’re back early tonight – i.e. before ten o clook
Grandad
Right-O!
Exit Grandad
Sharon
So, you, about our wedding … I’ve been thinking what would be so perfect would be if the bridesmaids’ shoes were sequentially of the colours of the rainbow, like – to show we support LGBTQ
Barry
Do we?
Sharon
Yes we do Barry
Barry
What is that again
Sharon
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender
Barry
Oh, right, of course
Sharon
Thank-you… & the shoes are gonna look exacty like mine
Barry
I thought yours were a one-off, a very expensive one-off
Sharon
They were… but the designer said he’s happy to make copies – he’s even holding the original price for each pair – isn’t that nice of him
Barry
& you want me to pay for it, right
Sharon
It’s your wedding too, is it not – & you do love me, dont you
Barry
Of course I do – here ya – use my credit card
Sharon
Thank-you honey… you won’t regret it – now lets go & get a cuppa somewhere – we can work on the playlist for the reception – I was thinking we should start with the Stone Roses, ‘This Is The One,’ its dead romantic
Barry
Good choice
Sharon
& I also want a big glittery banner saying SHABAZZ, ONE LOVE
Exit Barry & Sharon
SCENE 9: Leith, the City Pad
TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY
City is tidying up
I am a hot thing
But I have to disguise
All the ways that the razors
Cut deep in my veins
& I wipe lipstick
With a tissue of lies
‘Cos I’m hook’d on destructions
That sicken & stain
It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy
I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I am not fine
I’ve never felt love
For the shine of the skies
Cos I’m parked in the darkness
By the full beam of fame
& I’ve lost control
Of the look in my eyes
As I gaze on the razors
That beckon my name
It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy
I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I’m not doing fine
Buzzer goes
City
Who’s that then
Don
Felcity – its your dad
City
Come on up
Enter the Don
City
Daddy!
Don
I’ve been trying to get hold of you all week – are you alright
City
I’m in bits
Don
Whats the problem princess?
City
I don’t think I can marry Don Vito
Don
You what – I’ve spent a small fackin’ fortune on that wedding
City
I’ve fallen in love with an Engishman
Don
Ah well, that puts a different perspective on matters, that does – I’m all for this new turn of events – where’s he from?
City
Burnley
Don
Burnley! fack off
City
God’s truth daddy
Don
You’re having a laugh aintch – a wee wind up is it – well, its not fackin funny
City
But daddy, you’ve always encouraged me to date an Englishman
Don
There’s English & there’s facking Burnley English – there’s a big difference
City
But I thought you said all Englismen bleed tea
Don
Not all Englishmen – some of them bleed fackin’ gravy
City
But he’s lovely
Don
No child of mine is falling for a dirty northen monkey. Not on my watch she aint
City
Look daddy, I don’t care, he’s beautiful, & we’re soul mates – its not up to you, its up to the universe
Don
What did you say
City
He’s beautiful
Don
Nah, not that bit, the other bit
City
Its not up to you, its up to the universe
Don
That’s just what your mother said, treacle, when we first met – I mean look at the result – you are the best thing that ever happened to me & your mother, god bless her soul
City
She’d like him dad, I know whe would
Don
You really fink so
City
He’s ten times better than Leytonstone Phil, & she really loved him
Don
He was a fackin bell-end
City
Look, I know ya don’t fink anyone will be good enough for me, but I know Barry’s the one
Don
Barry!
City
Yes, Barry daddy, that’s his name, get used to it
Don
Barry! from fackin’ Burnley! Awight, awight – that’s how it its gonna be, that’s how its gonna be – when am I gonna meet this newest member of our family
City
Ah – about that daddy – there’s a slight hitch
Don
What’s that
City
Well, he’s getting hitched, married that is, ehm, tomorrow
Don
What, you two are getting married tomorrow, facks sake
City
No, not me & him, him & his fiance
Don
You what!
City
He’s getting married in the morning
Don
Well we’re gonna have to stop it aren’t we
City
What
Don
I’m aint gonna spend the rest of my life watching you moping abaht – had enough of that when you were a teenager – I’m gonna send Bulldog dahn to nobble that bird
City
No need, daddy, I got this one myself
Don
Well, what ya gonna do abaht it
City
I dunno yet
Don
Listen, lav, the one thing I’ve learnt from my life is that if you want something, you’ve just gotta go aht & get it – get yourself down there love – I’d drive you down myself, but I’m busy doing a spot christmas shopping in Airdire, you know what I’m saying
City
Be careful, yeah
Don
Easy money
City
I’m gonna ring Lily… Alright doll – could be better… I need a massive favour…. I need to get to Burnley by tomorrow morning… can you drive me down… this is the biggest crisis of my life…. No, not Birmingham, Burn-ley… its somewhere near Manchester I think… yeah, I need to see Barry again… its crazy, but its destiny… if we set off tonight we can get a hotel en route… ah you fuckin dancer, thanks so much – OK, I’ll be ready, I love you Lily thanks
Don
Sorted
City
Yeah – she’ll be here in a couple of hours
Don
Well, get your coat on, I’ll treat you to some nosh dahnstairs, that bistro looks nice dunnit
City
That’s very kind of you, gizza kiss
Don
You’ve gotta fink positive babe, cos when you do, positive fings will always happen
City
You’re spot on there dad
{putting on coat}
I feel better already – well here we go, do I look nice
Don
Absolute knockaht – as always – after you
City
Well thank you very much, sir
Exit City & The Don
SCENE 10a: A Church In Burnley
The wedding of Bazrry & Sharon
Barry & Mojo are waiting with the Vicar / Sharon reaches Barry – Grandad & Mojo take their seats
Gran
Eee – its playing havoc with my lumbago is this
Jackie
Shhh mam, they’re coming
Grandad is leading Sharon leads up the aisle
Vicar
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness, in the eyes of God, the sacred union of two young people very much in love –before we begin, however, it is my duty to ask if anybody here present knows of any legal impediment to this marriage
{silence}
Anybody… no-one… very good… we shall now continue with the vows… I believe the couple have prepared their own for the ceremony
Barry
We have
VOWS
I believe in love
But I don’t believe in miracles
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a fairy tale
I believe in love,
God help us,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love believes in you
I believe in you
Come to me my darling
Come to me my love
Come this mellow morning
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break into the Garden of Eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
I believe in love
But I don’t believe in fairytales
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a miracle
I believe in love,
God help them,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love belives in you
I believe in you
Come to me my darling
& Eos be my love
Cupid’s coming calling
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump over the wall
Gotta break into the garden of eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
& then we can open
Open, open the door
Be Clyde & Bonnie with a magnum forty-four
Love love is the law here,
Gotta break down the walls
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break down the towers of Babylon
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down those walls
I gotta break thro those walls
Vicar
What a lovely song, I hope you’ll all agree – so it is now time for the exchanging of the rings – eh, Mojo is it?
Mojo
That’s me mate
Vicar
Do you have Barry’s ring for Sharon
Mojo
{looking for ring}
Of course I do… I’ve got it here somwhere
Sharon
Hurry up, Mojo
Barry
Yeah, mate, where’s the fucking ring
Mojo
I dunno – it was in this pocket, I swear down
Sharon
Barry!
Enter City holding the ring, with Lily & India – looking like a pseudu-bride & bridesmaids
City
{holding the ring}
Looking for this
Mojo
How the fuck did you get that
India
We picked your pocket pal
Sharon
Excuse me – this is my wedding
Barry
What are you doing
City
You can’t marry him Sharon
Sharon
How do you know my name – hang on a minute, I recognise you, you were that tart who was chatting up our Baz in the street last week
City
If I’m a tart love, you’re a shitty digestive
Sharon
What did you say
City
Look, love, at the end of the day you can’t marry him
Sharon
You’re gonna tell me why not?
City
Because we’re soul mates
Sharon
You fuckin what?
Vicar
Language please
Sharon
Sorry Vicar, sorry Baby Jesus
City
I said we’re soul mates
Gran
Ooo, that’s dead romantic that is
Jackie
Shut up mam!
Barry
Look, City, whatever you’re doing its gotta stop
Sharon
So you know her name, Barry , do ya
City
Well kinda
City
We met in Edinburgh, it was love at first sight
Grandad
Nay
Barry
Nothing happened babe, I swear down
City
What about the best kiss each of us have ever, ever shared –
Sharon
You what – you actually kiss’d this slapper
{look of doom from the vicar}
Sorry
City
Well, ehm, I was proper mashed up, like
Sharon
Well, I’m humiliated, & on my wedding day n’all – that’s it, anyway, the trust is broken – you can keep him – come on guys we’re out of here
Barry
Sharon! What ya doin? Shes clearly a nutjob – It was only a little kiss – I was well off mi ‘ed
Sharon
well, maybe I am being a bit hasty
City
But Barry – the kiss was amazing
Grandad
Just bloody pick one & lets get ter pub
Barry
Ehmn
City
Choose me Barry
Sharon
Ignore her, she’s mental, I’m the one you’re meant to be with
****************************
To be continued
The Conchordia Folio 