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Scene 1b: The General’s flat

The General is tied half-naked to a chair / Shannon hovers over him / Brenda is not happy

Brenda
Is this for fuckin real

General
It’s not what it looks like darlin

Shannon
It’s exactly what it looks like, actually, & it was all going great til you turned up

Brenda
Who the fuck are you

Shannon
Who are you?

Brenda
I… am his girlfriend, ya little slut – get out of my house now

Shannon
It’s not your house tho’ is it… its Tristan’s… who, by the way, never said he had girlfriend

General
You never asked

Shannon
No worries – I don’t mind at all, I’m polyamorous…
{putting on her coat}
It’s been fun… PM me

Exit Shannon / Brenda goes to throw one of her sex toys at her

Brenda
& dont forget your…. what the fuck is that

General
It’s a psychedelic spunk monkey

Brenda
It’s a what?

General
Look, it doesn’t matter what it is babe. I’m sorry

Brenda
Sorry, sorry! – I do hope that’s the understatement of the century

General
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it is, I’m proper, proper sorry – I’m absolutely devastated

Brenda
What, devastated you got caught or devasted you didn’t get to finish your sordid little gimp session

General
You… me… us… I mean, I dont know… things just haven’t been right in a while now, have they?

Brenda
Maybe they haven’t… but most couples talk about their problems… not go off fuckin other people… you’ve totally minced my head… you’ve broken us

General
Nah baby doll – nothings unfixable… a bit of spiritual super glue & we’ll be alright, we’re just having a bit of a blip… all relationships have em, right, its natural… now if you’ll be a wee sweetheart & untie me, we can sort everything out

Brenda
Look, nobhead, you’ve made your bed, now sit in it

Exit Brenda

General
Brenda, come back, where ya going, ya cant just leave me here like this, BBRENNNDDDAAA… ah, bollox

The General tries to get his phone but it is too far away – enter Dante Alighieri clapping hands

Dante
Bra–vo – complimenti!

General
Who the fuck are you – & what the hell are ya wearing

Dante
My name is Dante, Dante Alighieri, I have been sent from Heaven

General
Yo freakoid! Get the fuck out of my house before I call the Fuzz

Dante
Could you tell me, please, just how are you going to do that

General
Look mate – if you’re gonna rob me, fine, but please dont take my X-box, I’m about to get to level seven – mi bird’s laptop is over there, take that instead, its worth loads

Dante
I am not here to rob you, I’m here to help you

General
You’re here to what

Dante
Help you

General
Well, you could make a start by untying me

Dante
Una momento… first, I would like to tell you about my mission

General
Your mission? What mission?

Dante
My boy, since yesterday evening, do you realise you have comitted all seven of the seven deadly sins

General
Did I?

Dante
Si… the pride you show for your, lets admit it, shitty pool-playing

General
Oi! what ya on about

Dante
Your sloth-like refusal to look for a job, your lust for another woman, your gluttony for drugs & alcohol, your greed for Brenda’s money…

General
You’d better watch what you’re fuckin’ saying mate

Dante
Your anger…

General
So what if I did, whats it got to do with you anyway

Dante
Well – I’m just the middle man in the operation – God is a very busy deity you know, & simply does not have the time to attend to all of the sinners in the world – but every now & again there comes a special case where the Supreme Being likes to get a little more… involved

General
What, there’s actually a God

Dante
Of course there is

General
Wh-wh-what’s he like

Dante
The Omiscient One has no gender – but possesses infinite wisdom & has sent me to give you guidance

General
Guidance, whaddayamean

Dante
{untieing the General}
I’m here to save your soul, boy

General
Right, listen here pal, I don’t know what cuckoo-cloud you just fell off, but you’d better get out my house NOW before I throw you out

Dante
{grabbing hold of the General}
Delighted dear boy

General
Whatcha doin!? get off me…

Dante & the General enter the space-time continuum

They are transported to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
What the … how the f… where the hell are we

Dante
We are on top of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
Kilimanjaro – in Africa – wooah – it is as well – I came here on a family safari as a kid! What the fuck just happen’d

Dante
Lets say that the allmighty has invested certain powers in me

General
O man – I knew I shouldnt have had any of Shannon’s ketamine

Dante
Tristan, my boy, this is real – I have the ability to transfer your body & your spirit across time

General
You can – where’s your machine then

Dante
I do not need machine, boy, we will be travelling on the metaphysical planes, my boy, just hold on to me tightly & we’ll arrive at our next destination

General
Wow – this is mental – this is really fuckin’ mental

Dante
It is a little out of the ordinary isn’t it, I must say I was quite amazed the first time it happened to me

General
O, Brenda, you got it so wrong girl, so, so wrong… my life’s going nowhere, she said, I’m never gonna get anywhere, she said, well how about crossing the space-time continuum honey….

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SCENE 2: The Space-Time Continuum

Dante & The General are travelling thro’ time

TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

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