PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY
SCENE 8: The Streets of Leith, this time next year
Brenda is waiting on a street corner – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!
***
WAY OUT
Brenda
I’m so tired of your nonsensical mind
Show me the way out, show me the way out I can find
I’m so bored, I’m so bored of your bullshit brain
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this drain
I’m so lost, I’m so lost in your foolish ways
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this maze
I’m so caught, I’m so caught by your awful spell
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this hell
Turn, turn that mad tap off of my life force
You’ve had a good blast as yer took me to task
Now I’m askin for a bit of relief
Burn, burn that bridge that you thought we were buildin’
Cos my bridge can’t stand on on your selfish sands
As you pull the rug from under me feet
& the culling of my heart is complete
I’m so torn, because you tear my soul apart
Show me the way in
Show me the way into your heart
***
Enter Malik
Malik
Wotcha Brenda
Brenda
Oh, hi, Malik, thanks for coming out at such short notice
Malik
So what can I do you for
Brenda
I was looking for a… a… a gun
Malik
A gun, well, I might be able to help you out with that, what kind of a gun are you looking for
Brenda
Nothing fancy, just one that works.
Malik
Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a nice little WW2 German number in my pocket… Waffen SS Luger, 1943, Eastern Front… for you, four hundred quid
Brenda
I’ll take it
{starts handing out the notes}
Malik
& bullets, do you want any bullets
Brenda
I’ll just need the one please
Malik
Well, there’s three or four in the chamber already, just keep ’em – gimme a bell if you want anymore
Brenda
I’ll keep that in mind, thanks
Malik
Are you alright doll
Brenda
Never been better – I’ll see you around Malik
Exit Malik
Brenda
It’s been a beautiful journey, world, but… I just cannae cope anymore
Brenda shoots herself, but the gun goes click
Brenda
Story of my life, nothing’s ever worked, maybe its a sign not to…
Brenda accidentally shoots herself in the head
General
Noo…… Brenda !!!
The General dashes to Brenda & picks her up in his arms
***
WESTERN SUICIDE
Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today
General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black
Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!
***
Larry
What the fuck are you doing Dante?
Dante
We are in the future, exactly one year from the day that Brenda caught you shmozzing with that floozy & the plastic monkeys… she could not cope with the break-up & so she sunk into a deep depression which has led to this sad, sad moment
Larry
O my god, what have I done, Brenda, I’m so sorry, Dante how can I change it, how can we fix this?
Dante
Look inside yourself Tristan, what is your soul saying, tell me boy, what are the words
***
SEMINAL LIVES
General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard
Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow
General
Then I heard
Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow
General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2
I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow
We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard
Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow
General
Then I heard
Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow
General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2
I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow
***
Dante
Well, well, well – I said it was an imposible task – but the boss upstairs insisted you had a shred of decency somewhere – I didn’t expect it at all, but, my boy, I think you have learned your lesson & earned yourself your reprieve… there shall be last timewarp to make….
General
Cheers Dante, everything you said makes sense pal, y’know you might look like a complete tube but you’re alright underneath – if this is our last jump together, lets hold hands or something
Dante
I am afraid I will not be escorting you on this timewarp – it will be our goodbye Tristan, so farewell & good luck
Dante
Its been great
{They shake hands}
& one more thing…. Don’t fuck it up!
General
I’m on it pal… timewarpin’
Scene 9: The General’s Flat, today
General
Timewarpin’ – Woah, wait a minute – what, that’s well weird – I can’t remember taking any ketamine
The doorbell goes / the General answers it / Shannon is waiting at the door in a sexy outfit
Shannon
Hello Sailor!
General
Shannon… do come in come in
Shannon
I am feeling so fucking horny
{starts waving the psychedelic spunk monkey}
I brought us something to play with
General
Wooaahhh! Wait one mother fuckin’ minute –– I’m buzzin’ with de ja vu – we’ve been in this exact situation before
Shannon
What are you on about
General
Dante Alighieri
Shannon
Who
General
Dante Alighieri – the poet
Shannon
I havnae a clue what ya rattling on about, but I don’t give a flying fack
{getting rope from her bag}
Now take off your clothes, I’m gonna tie you to that chair & do some very naughty things to ya
General
Look Shannon, I’ve enjoy’d our hook-ups, really I have, but, but I can’t see you again, like, ever
Shannon
& why not
General
I’ve got a girlfriend – did I just say that – yeah I did, no, I do, I’ve got a girlfriend – & I fuckin’ love her n’all – you’ll have to leave
Shannon
You never said you had a girlfriend
General
You never asked – but you’ve gotta go, its over
Shannon
Its over is it, alright, fuck you
{Shannon waves her small wiener finger}
I wasn’t missing much anyway
Exit Shannon
General
{starting to tidy up}
Jeesh – look at the state of this place
***
Enter Brenda
Brenda
What are you doing
General
Tidying the house honey… you’re home early
Brenda
Work let me go, they said I was too tired, they’re bang on, y’know, I’m exhausted
General
Why don’t you put your feet up, I’ll run you a bath, eh, then cook us up a nice tasty tea, how does that sound
Brenda
Are you alright
General
Yeah, never been better – listen babe, I’ve realised I’ve been a massive jerk – I promise things are gonna change round here– I’m gonna change
Brenda
How are you gonna change
General
Well dunno, day-by-day, intelligent increments & bold baby-steps – I’m even open for suggestions honey, you can mould me
***
NAVIGATOR
General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know
Brenda
Yes I know
General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had
General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know
Brenda
Yes I know
Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather
Brenda
Yes I know
General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song
General
Cos when we come together
Brenda
Yes when we come together
General
We gonna come together
Brenda
Go strolling in the heather
General
Go floating like a feather
Brenda
Over that stormy weather
General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you
Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new
General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead
Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine
General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine
General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatterd into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin
Brenda
I love you Tristan
General
I love you too honey
Brenda
So wheres this meal you gonna be cooking for me – im starving
General
Fuck cooking baby, lets go out & grab a romantic meal – I’m paying
Brenda
Sure
General
You’re gonna have to lend me another forty quid tho
Fin.
OUTRO
And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if they’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play
The Conchordia Folio 