(GL) Scenes 2-4

SCENE 2: Don Vito’s flash villa in Italy

Don Vito is working out to disco music with Maria & Laura

FUNKABILITY

Don Vito
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace
I always wear the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Maria & Laura
They call him Mr Dandy
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all those girls around
Who say

Maria & Laura
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me

Don
I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy

Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me
Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality

Don
Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy

Don Vito
Allessandro

Allessandro whispers in Don Vito’s ear

Don Vito
Ah Benvenuto in Italia! Sono Don Vito

Nelson
Eh?

Don Vito
You do not speak-a de Italian

Nelson
Sorry, no

Don
Well, let me start again – welcome to Italy – I am Don Vito

Nelson
Very pleased to meet you Mr Vito, it’s an honour

Don Vito
Piaceri – you are here on Donaldo’s business, si?

Nelson
I am, Mr Vito

Don Vito
So you have something for me

Nelson
{handing over a package}
Yes Mr Vito, its in there

Don Vito
Grazie
{getting a teddybear out of the package}
Ah – bella – it is the famous Eduardo – Donaldo tells me he love-a this bear since he was a bambino, si. Now I-a love heem for loving this bear, & I love-a you for bringing this bear to me – molto, molto, molto, molto grazie – cosi, are you hungry, you wanna some-a food-a

Nelson
Well, I‘m starving, actually

Don Vito
Va bene – mangia!

Don Vito clicks his fingers / Maria & Laura bring out a table, chair, pizza & wine

Don Vito
Mi scusi
{makes a call}
Ah Donaldo – your teddy bear bringa de tears to my eyes-a – everything will happen as we were discussing, the boat will be a-leaving the Netherlands tomorrow night – & you too Donaldo, ciao, ciao
{hangs up phone}
Nelson, I must-a take-a da care of some-a business – my girls will look after you – this Maria, & this is Laura

Nelson
Ladies – thank you for your hospitality Mr Vito

Don Vito
Niente, niente, ciao

Exit Don Vito

Maria
So, Nelson, what would you like-a to do now you are in Roma, the most beautiful city in the world

Nelson
I’ve always wanted to see the Trevi Fountain

Maria
Of course – it is a very beautiful place! Va bene – eat your food, then andiamo

Nelson
Andy who?

Laura
Andiamo – lets go

Nelson
My names not Andy, its Nelson

Laura
Nooo – in Italian andiamo means ‘lets go’

Nelson
It does, sorry about that – you got any ketchup

Maria gestures to Laura to get ketchup then stares at Nelson as he eats

Maria
You Ingleesh eat-a like-a the peegs

Nelson
I’m nae English, doll, I’m fae Scotland

Nelson tucks into his food like a hungry Highlander

SCENE 3: The Docks

A stormy night / Charlie & Archie enter a scruffy lock-up

Archie
Nice…

Charlie
Missing yer palace are ya Archie boy

Archie
Fack off – anyways, chop em aht before them Sweeneys get ere

Charlie
Sweeneys?

Charlie
Y’know – Sweeneys, Benito Mussolinis

Charlie
Eh?

Archie
You know the Wops, the Itis, the Mafia boys

Charlie
O yeah… big fat line do ya

Archie
Sweet as mate

Charlie starts chopping out the lines / Sound of a boat’s engine

Archie
Whats that?

Charlie
They’re here

Archie
Look ‘ard

Charlie & Archie snort a line of coke

GANGSTALAND

Archie
Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe
Took a little drive to the harbourside
Gon’ meet me a mobster man

Archie & Charlie
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Enter Allessandro & Luigi

Charlie
Roll, roll, I got my dough
Give it all away for a bag of blow
But when that mobster turns around
There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground

Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Allessandro & Luigi
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

All
From Paris, France, ter
The sunny Cotes d’Azor
Who’d wanna be a gangster
When they go to war

Archie
What the fuck are ya doin

Allessandro
Your time has come Inglesi peeg!

Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie / Mafia Boys exit with cash

Charlie
<crawling across floor to Archie>
Frown, frown, my captain’s down
Gotta get him back on my back to town
I’ll lead my captain by the hand
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood
We might fade away that’s understood
But not if one of us can stand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Charlie
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

Archie
Aaahhh! I’m in pain, Charlie, lots of pain

Charlie
Come on son, hang in there, I’ll get ya home

Archie
Am I gonna make it, Charlie, give it to me straight

Charlie
Course you are, kid, course you are

Archie
I’m fucking bleeding to death here Charlie

Charlie
You’ll be alright son, hold in there

Exit Charlie & Archie verbalising his pain quite profusely

SCENE 4: The Don’s garden

The Don is arranging a wreath with a pair of secateurs / Bulldog arrives holding a classy phone on a silver tray

Bulldog
Phone call boss

Don
Who is it?

Bulldog
Percy the Knife

Don
What does that little runt want… tell him I’m busy arranging a wreath for my boy’s funeral & I do not appreciate being disturbed… alright

Bulldog
But boss, he says it’s really important… he’s adamant you’ll wanna hear what he’s gotta say

Don
Give it here – Hello… I know it’s you Percy, whaddayawant – are you sure… whereabouts – Did you follow him… Why not ya fackin imbecile… yeah, alright – O & Percy – if you see him again… stab him…
{hangs up}
CHARLIE!

Enter Charlie with his left arm in a sling

Charlie
You alright boss?

Don
You won’t believe this – Ooo! Nelson’s back… he’s just been spotted on a fucking tram – Ooo! the nerve of the – Ooo! The little… is he takin the piss or samfink – I mean, I take him under my wing, give him a job, a proper one n’all, he gets to travel to Italy on my good name, not to mention my good money, & nah, not only has he gone & set me up with those, with those… gangsters! Nah he’s back in town, bold as brass, swanning abaht like naffinks happened, taking the facking piss

Charlie
It’s hard to know who to trust these days, eh Don?

Don
Yeah – I trusted him like my own son, now my own son is dead because of that trust

Bulldog
It’s worse than what Prince Charles did to lady Di with that Camilla slag

Don
It definitely is Bulldog – I dint fink he ad it in ‘im – I must be getting sloppy in my old age, losing my sense of judgement – at least I can trust you boys – I’m sorry you got shot Charlie… how ya feeling

Charlie
A bit sore boss, mi arms a bit fucked, but I’m alright

Don
Right enough to do a job

Charlie
Aye

Don
Well I want him… an I want him nah

Charlie
You got it

Don
& Charlie

Charlie
Aye

Don
{giving Charlie a gun}
I don’t gave a flyin fack if he’s breavin… awright

Charlie
I’ll get on it straight away boss

Don
Rubbish… ya gotta have samfink to eat first… build yer strength up… jellied eels do ya… Bulldog

Bulldog offers a bowl of jellied eels from a fancy pot

Charlie
{turning nose up}
Not today boss, they don’t agree with my antibiotics – doctor’s orders