Scene 10: TC’s House
It is morning / a scene of party carnage / everyone is flaked out – a few snores / City is cuddling Nelson / enter Lily
Lily
{coughing}
What’s all this then
TC
Eehh!
City
Alright Lily babe
Lily
Alright babe, glad to see you’ve been getting to know my Nelson – Nelson – wake up – NELSON!!!
Nelson
Wha-wha-wha-wha… Lily – woah – so nice to see you
Lily
Well it’s certainly not nice to see you – look at the state of ya – & this place, its trashed – & who the fuck are these two
Laura
Laura
Maria
Maria
Lily
I can’t believe you lot have been partying at a time like this
TC
We got a bit carried away last night – emotions were running high, getting the better of us – sorry & all that – hey ladies, why don’t we go & get some coffee in the kitchen – leave these two alone
Maria
Certo
Laura
He is a very good boy your Nelson, he has a voice like an angel
Maria
& his eyes, incredibile! so addictive
Nelson
Thanks
Lily gives Laura & Nelson the look of doom
City
I can’t stay, its Archie’s funeral’s in a few hours, I’ll need to freshen up
TC
{hugging}
Alright City, take care… good luck today, yeah
City
Thanks – you’re coming down right
TC
Of course I’ll be there… come on girls
Exit TC, Laura & Maria
City
Take care Nelson, it’s been fun… Lily
Nelson
Bye
Exit City – Lily gives her a look of doom too
Lily
So, tell me, what exactly has been fun !?
Nelson
We were just hanging out, babe, no funny business or nothing – a wee sing-song here, a wee glass of bubbly there, it was fun
Lily
Yeah, it’s all fun & games with you innit, people are dying, dont you understand?
Nelson
Do you know whats going on, cos I fucking don’t, I still cant get my head around those Tallies killing Archie, then going awol with all the money & drugs – & those lassies you just met, they’re in town trying to track the Tallies down n’all
Lily
Makes sense
Nelson
What does
Lily
I’ll tell ya exactly what happened that night shall I
Nelson
I didn’t know those Mafia boys were bad apples… they seemed legit
Lily
They are legit, it’s all Charlie Boy’s doin
Nelson
Charlie?
Lily
Yeah – he’s a dirty double-crossin d**k
Nelson
How do you know that
Lily
Well, I wanted some coke didn’t I – so I rings up Archie didn’t I… he tells me to meet him down the docks, there’s a supply fresh off the boat he says – I’m like great, some decent cut before Charlie gets his grubby hands on it – so I pulls up outside this lock-up, yeah, & I see these two guys, Meditteranean types
Nelson
Tallies?
Lily
Yeah, probably, slick lookin fellas – anyway, they go inside & all of a sudden I hear gunshots – a minute later Charlie dumps two dead Italians in his boot & slams Archie in the front – he’s gushing out blood, man, it was well nasty – so I gets out of my car & runs over to see if I can help – suddenly Charlie turns on me & starts taking potshots – ne whizzed right by my fuckin head – I was lucky to survive.
Nelson
Fuck! He must have gone crazy or summat
Lily
No shit Sherlock – now listen to this
{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Hello Lily, still on Restalrig are ya? Get the kettle on love, I’m only round the corner
Lily
Theres another one – ten minutes later – he must have been round my pad
{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Seems like you’ve flown the coup little birdy – well… I suggest you stay away cos if you start flappin about round here and singin my name … well lets just say that’ll be the last time the world hears your pretty voice
Nelson
So, Charlie’s been spinning everyone a bullshit sob story
Lily
Yep – fake news
Nelson
He must have even shot himself in the arm, mad fucker
Lily
Charlie by name, Charlie by nature, he’s evil on that stuff
Nelson
Come here babe, I promise I’ll protect yer, hes gonna have to come through me to get to you
Lily
That’s what I’m worried about
***
TROUBLE
Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone
This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days
Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how
Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives
This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you
Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days
***
Nelson
{Getting his phone out}
I’ve gotta tell the Don what’s going on
Lily
Woaah, Woah, Woah! He won’t believe ya over the phone – ya gotta tell him face to face
Nelson
Face to face – I’ll be dead before I open my mouth
Lily
It’s the only way – you are going to the funeral
Nelson
Whose, Archie’s or mine
Lily
We’ve got no choice, the longer we leave it the more time Charlie has to nab us
Nelson
Fuck!
Lily
Look, there’s a charity shop round the corner, lets get you some decent formal clobber, you cant go to a funeral looking like that… Get your shoes on, I’ll meet you in the kitchen
Exit Lily
Nelson
{getting shoes on}
Go to the Big City, Brenda says, it’ll make a man of ya – there’s a bus leaving in five minutes, she says, get yourself on it – fer fucks sake
Exit Nelson
Scene 11: Leith Walk
Malik’s Cafe / Bulldog & Charlie are sat at a table playing with their phones / Malik brings the breakfasts out
Malik
Here you go lads, on the house
Charlie
Thank you very much Malik, very gracious of you, a nice full Scottish breakfast, just what the doctor ordered
Bulldog
Nice one – but thats not a Scottish breakfast boss
Charlie
Course it is
Bulldog
Actually – it’s not – now take this tea here… it’s from India… that bacon yer about to stuff down yer neck…
<Charlie freezes with his fork>
That’s Danish… the toast is French
<Charlie pushes toast away>
The sausage is German…
<Charlie drops fork>
& the baked beans, well, they’re an American invention…
<Charlie gives up on breakfast & folds his arms>
Bulldog
You don’t want that boss
Charlie
Nah -you ave it… aint ‘ungry
Bulldog
So, what nah?
Charlie
To tell yer the truth I fink Nelson has slipped us an old Harry Houdini – besides, the funeral starts soon – we’d best be showing our face – finish yer breakfast sharpish – but no more beans, I dinnae want yer fartin in the car
Bulldog
I’ll just take some with me – hey Malik, you don’t have a doggy bag do ya
Malik stares at Bulldog in silence / Bulldog puts sausage & bacon in his pocket / drains mug of tea / Gangsters start to leave / Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas enter / there is a silent testosterone showdown at the door / Exit Gangsters
Malik
Don Vito! Don Vito! The menefreghista himself ! Its a most impecabble honour to have you here in my restaurant, sir
Don Vito
Si, si, si…. do you have the merchandise
Malik
Of course Mr Vito, can I get you a drink in the meantime – on the house of course – coffee, beer, anything
Don Vito
Just give me the fuckin guns
Malik
No problem, as long as yer don’t use em on me alright, ha-ha…so, its two grand each for ya shootahs & a hundred nicker for yer ammo
Malik opens a case full of Uzis
Don Vito
These are Uzis… I aska for the shotguns… with an Uzi there is not enough… how you say… pain!
Malik
It’s all I could do at such short notice Mister Vito
Don Vito
Okey-dokey – I take them
Malik
Good choice, good choice, you won’t regret it
{his phone rings}
Excuse me Mr Vito – Oi fuck off… I’ll call you later
{ends call}
Every fucker wants gans… all I ever hear… gans, gans, gans, gans, gans! Leith’s gone gun fucking mental
Don Vito
Antonio
Antonio gives Malik a load of cash / Malik begins to count it out
Don Vito
You need not count it… there is more than enough
Malik
If you say so Mr Vito
Don Vito
{sniffing gun}
I do – now we are ready – ready for revenge
***
FAFFAN CULO
Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre
All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey
Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre
All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey
Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water
Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
***
Don Vito
Andiamo! Andiamo
Malik
Andy who?
Exit Mafia Boys
The Conchordia Folio 
