SCENE 3: An Indian Restaurant in Leith
Enter the General, Brenda & India – Palik is is the waiter
Palik
Welcome, table for three?
Brenda
Yes please
Palik
This way…
General
Thank you
India
Ooo, its nice in here innit
General
It’s the best restaurant in Leith this, for multiple reasons
Palik
Would you like any drinks?
General
I’ll have a lager… Brenda
Brenda
Same
General
India?
India
I’ll have a white wine please
Palik
No problems be back in a minute
General
Ooo & Palik
Palik
Yes
General
Could we have the… poppadom special for starters
Palik
Good choice, sir, good choice
The party take their seats
India
So lovely to meet ya Brenda, Tristan’s told me so much about you
Brenda
Tristan?
India
Yeah, Tristan, my brother
General
Ehm, I forget to mention that
Brenda
Tristan! Tristan & Brenda
India
Yes it’s a little incongruous isnt it
Brenda
You what?
India
Incongruous… Never mind…. Brenda, Tristan & I, well, we come from a certain privileged background
Brenda
So you’re posh then, babe
General
Ehm
India
Our family is… Tristan’s the black sheep, doesn’t want to conform, do you darlin’
General
There’s more to life than buggary & polo
India
You do know that the flat you’re now living in was paid for by mother
General
She bought you one as well
Brenda
Alright, alright, calm, down you two – you’ve only just met up – I don’t care what your name is, who your parents are & whether you own your flat or nae, I fucking love you General
They embrace
India
Ah, aint that sweet
General
So you’re up for coming out with us later
India
Yeah, why not, what happening?
General
A mate of ours is putting on a disco night
India
Ooo… I love a bit of disco
General
So sis, I need to tell you something – one of the reasons this is the best restaurant in Leith is that they do a nice little side-line in bingo
Brenda
What, someone didn’t flush the toilet, it’s a dirty loo, thirty two
General
No, not that kind of bingo,
{imitates snorting coke}
Bingo-bingo… & it’s the proper stuff n’all –
Brenda
You can get some right nice afghan black, n’all, blows yer head right off,
General
& a bit of speed on Tuesdays
Palik returns with trays of food
Palik
Here’s your drinks & here’s the poppadom special – just come in today
****
POPPADOM
Brenda
Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis
To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous
India
Whats this
Brenda
Says Tristan’s sister
Tristan says
Tristan
Its got a little twist
All
Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom
Palik
Dont forget the mango chutney
Its imported up from Putney
Makes the chicken balti taste supreme
Mountains of bombay tatties
Basmati rice chapattis
Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen
India
Your spice is pretty damn nice
Brenda
Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis
Then gets him in the kitchen
& asks him
India
Can I have a little kiss
All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…
Palik
Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi
It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy
Then again its gets stuck in your teeth
Don’t forget the shami kebabs
They’re the one everyone has
But you gotta taste it to believe
All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…
Tristan
What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this
Brenda
Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis
India
That chutney made me horny
Brenda
Abbadabadis got battered with a fist
All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…
Brenda
Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi
It’s the kind that sends you happy
Or is it that I got stuck in a dream
Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari
We got it from the argy-bargy
It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been
That I’ve ever seen…
That there’s ever been
****
Palik
Bloody hooligans
Brenda
{to Palik}
Are you alright pal
Palik
No I’m bloody not alright…
General
I’m sorry mate, my sister’s lost her head on that dab you gave her
Palik
So its my fault is it – I never asked her for a bloody blow job – just get out my restaurant
Brenda
Look, man, we’re really sorry
Palik
Whatever – don’t come back, yeah
Exit Brenda, Tristan – exit India gesturing ‘call me’ to Palik
SCENE 4: Constitution Street, Leith
TC is waiting at a bus stop in Leith / Stacey is also waiting
****
PUSSY BUS
TC
I met a girl
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s going home to her boyfriend
& then she said
Stacey
I wanna come home with you
Because my boyfriend’s mad
Going thro a real bad time
TC
So I said
Lets get on a bus
Lets get on a bus
& get off at my bus stop
So she said
Stacey
I’m gonna come home with you
Yeah im coming with you
Cos I really really like you
Stacey & TC
Lets all ride the pussy bus
Lets all ride the pussy bus
TC
What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
TC
So I’m sat
Yeah I’m sat on a bus
At the back of the bus
With another boy’s girlfriend
Then ouch
I get a smack in the puss
Cos a boy on the bus
He knows this hussy’s boyfriend
Fuck this
I’m gonna get off the bus
I’m gonna get off the bus
& catch the bus behind us
Then the mad bitch follows us off
She follows us off
Cos she wanted to find us
Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC
What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
TC
So I’m back yeah, back in the street
& I look at my feet
& they’re covered in bloodspots
She says,
Stacey
Babe look at the moon
Its playing our tune
I love our new bus-stop
TC
I said mad bitch look at my shoes
Ya proper bad news
There’s blood on my trainers
She says
Stacey
Baby gimme ya shoes
I know what to do
We’ll try a dry cleaners
Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC
Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus
Stacey
Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus
Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC
What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
****
Stacey
So whats your name
TC
They call me TC
Stacey
TC? Nice, I’m Sta-cey – TC & Stacey, Cagney & Lacey, nice – what ya up to
TC
I’m DJ-ing tonight
Stacey
Ooo, that’s devastating that’s! A DJ – cool as – can I come
TC
{shaking head}
Is there any chance of me stopping you?
Stacey
Nope
TC
Alright then, its at the Mash House
Stacey
Yeah, lets have a mash up down the mash house
TC
So, you like to party, do ya
Stacey
Do I, I fucking love raving me
TC
You do? me too
Stacey
What kind of music are you playing
TC
Disco
Stacey
Disco, what’s that
TC
It’s a bit like house music
Stacey
I prefer techno me – bam-baam-blam-blam-bla-bla-blam—-bam-blam
Exit Stacey bouncing like a duracel bunny – TC follows shaking his head in a confused crush
SCENE 5: The Mash House
The club is empty – Brooklyn is messin about on the decks / enter TC & Stacey
TC
Yo Brooklyn
Brooklyn
TC, my main man, how ya diddlin?
TC
Ready to rave, pal, ready to rave
Brooklyn
& who’s this little bundle of buzziness?
Stacey
I’m Stacey
Brooklyn
Well hello there – I’m Brooklyn, it looks like you’re our first punter of the night
Stacey
I aint payin,’ I’m with him
Brooklyn
But…
TC
Don’t fight it mate, you won’t win
Brooklyn
OK, the more the merrier I suppose
TC
Here’s them pills
Brooklyn
Nice one
TC
That’ll be a twenty-spot please
Brooklyn
Can I give it you at the end of the night, along with your fee
TC
Fer fucks sake
Brooklyn
You’ll get your money, you’ll get your money, don’t fret – in the meantime its a free bar for us – there’s a wee fridge behind the decks – whaddaya want – we’ve got cans of lager, cider, there’s even a bottle of tequila
TC
Just a can of lager, ta
Stacey
I’ll have a gin please
Brooklyn
Tonic water, ices & slices
Stacey
I prefer it straight, its fine, just give me the bottle
Brooklyn
Whatever… here’s yours TC
TC
Thank you very much
TC & Brooklyn open & chink their cans / Stacey starts swigging the gin
Brooklyn
So here are the decks, yeah – top quality technics – the bass is buzzing
TC
Buzzin
Brooklyn
I meant booming, proper in your guts stuff
TC
Let me put a record on, then, check it out
SHIRLEY’S BOUNCERS
Stacey
{singing}
I’ll take you back to the 101
Tower of Babel, Babylon
Let me into the 202
DJ spin that ting for you
Pop a pill at the 303
I heard they got some smoke machine
Let me fall in the 414
Shirley’s Bouncers run the door
At five past five we’ll take a drive
That’s when the Mardi Gras arrive
Seaside at the 606
Allesandro’s disco mix
& who gives a fuck about 007 anyways, huh?
Situate at the 808
Heaven’s gates, lets legislate
Somebody call 909
Mr White’s forgot the wine
& pucker up its ten to ten
Its time to try your luck again
& Roger, it doesnt go up to fucking eleven, mate alright
Brooklyn
She’s off her head, her
TC
I don’t mind, I like the feisty ones
Brooklyn
Feisty! She’s a borderline roaster!
TC
Anyways, that sounds absolutely banging – the top end is top notch
Brooklyn
It certainly is – you ready to go
TC
Yeah, I’m up for it, yeah
Brooklyn
OK brother, I’ll start letting them in – see you on the flipside
TC
Over easy, mate, over easy
T.D.S
TC
Check it, check it, check it
Phew, phew got nuffin to do
Just an egg macmuffin hat attitude
Gonna put on some random records
& get down to the groove
Friends, friends followin trends
I heard miss disco’s making amends
She gotta damn foxy symphony
She gonna sing that song for you
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your vibe
You got to share your high
Stacey
Enter Hamish, Krissie & Kate
TC
Hi! Hi! Call from Mumbai
I’ve never heard nuttin like this guy’s
Gonna ring round the company
They gonna get down to the groove
Flow, flow, kinky Kyoto
She lettin’ it hang & lettin it grow
Gotta facebook her friends
& set their statuses to you
Enter Larry the Axe & City
Down at the T-I-N-K-Y D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your tribe
You got to share your style
Well I’m the real TC thats me
I aint your normal form of MC
I’m a true groove buster voodel chile
Ripping it max with lots of style
I’m Scotland’s top hip-hot outfit
Lyrical bandit doing my bit
Musical genius jammin guitar
Hear the new disco wherever you are, yeah
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
Enter Nelson & Lily
Nelson
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
Lily
I put on my dancing shoes
My soul it glows like a glitterball
These neon lights they shine for me & you
Lets his the floor my friend
Gonna dip trip slide until the party ends
This Tinky Disco sets me free
Enter The General, Brenda & India
TC
Hands, hands, show me those hands
We’re dancing naked down on the sands
Gotta wee foxy flavour & a fist of fireflies
Crawl, crawl, walk or you’ll fall
The tides gone out the towers are tall
There’s a full moon approaching
& its time to phantasize
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
The Conchordia Folio 
