(AL): Scenes 4-6


SCENE 4 – In the street outside club

Nelson is thrown out of the club

Nelson
Let us back in mate

Bouncer
Look, fuck off

Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man

Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now

Nelson
What’s that?

Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again

Nelson
Woah – woah – woah – what ya doin’- do you know who I am?

Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off

Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in

Bouncer
House regulations lad – there’s a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you might get away with it there, but not in here, now clear off

Nelson
But…

Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away

Bouncer
…& don’t come back

***

BLONDE GIRLS

Lily
Nice song… what’s your name

Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth

Lily
A prince eh

Nelson
Yep that’s me

Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily

Nelson
Honoured

Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines

Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin’, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome

Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry

Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me

Lily
You have? You don’t have any coke as well, by any chance

Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin! Of course I do, got loads of the stuff

Lily
Fancy havin’ a… session… at mine

Nelson
You got any booze

Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck

Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin’ baby – TAXI!!

Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives

General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel

Bouncer
Aye

General
Which way did she go?

Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here

General
Gutted… say… you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?

Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN

General
No probs

Exit bouncer / enter two Gadgie II

General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in

Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list

General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back

Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list

General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait

Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this

General
Ooo! In you go


Charlie & TC waiting outside a toilet – groans from within

TC
These pills are magic mate

Charlie
Glad to hear it – I’ll have the rest for you in a minute – HURRY UP BULLDOG

Bulldog
I’m trying boss – they just don’t seem to be shifting

Charlie
Drink some more of that plum juice

Bulldog
I’ve already necked five bottles boss… wait a second, ah here we go, here we go, they’re on their way , they’re …
{SPLASH}

Charlie
Nice one Bulldog

Bulldog
{coming out of the loo with bag of pills}
Here ya go Charlie

Charlie
Wash ’em first, for fucks sake

Bulldog
O yeah

Charlie
so, do you have the mullah, sunshine

TC
Ah Charlie – not on me, but I’ll have it soon as mate, the whole of the Bongo’s gagging for ’em 

Charlie
Very well – you’ve never done me over – so far – so we shall proceed with the transaction – Bulldog, give him a hundred pills!

Bulldog
{passing over a bag of pills}
TC

TC
Nice one boys

The trio move to the pool table where Bulldog occasionally scratches his testicles

Charlie
Say, TC, I’m sending Bulldog back to the Dam tomorrow night to pick up some fresh sweeties – if these are half as good as what you say they are, we’re set to make a fortune

TC
Yeah, put my name down for a thousand, easy

Charlie
Will do, so… what you up to tonight

TC
I met this guy dinni, bit of a bell-end, but he’s sound as fuck really, he’s waiting for me now down Mumbo Jumbo —– hang on a minute – fuck, fer fuck’s sake

Charlie
How did that happen?

TC
Well off my head, pal, it’s these Dutch eccies innit, I was so loved up I just handed him my stash

Charlie
You daft twat, that’s the last you’ll see of him mate

TC
Nah, he was a good geezer, I can see that much, he wouldn’t do anything like that, I’m sure of it

Charlie
Maybe maybe, either way, the General’s in town tonight – I’m sorting him out a bit of ching & later on we’re gonna do a spot of ‘gambling’ down Diane’s – you interested?

TC
Could be – I’ve already seen him tonight, he’s chasin’ tail down Mumbo Jumbo – he wants some of these eccies n’all

Charlie
Maybe it’s time you went & paid him a visit, then, & start shifting some of these cheeky suckers

TC
Of course – I’ll meet you down the hall with your money when the club’s shut

Bulldog
See ya later TC

TC
{exiting}
Bulldog

Charlie
What  a wanker – now rack ’em up

Charlie
Bulldog, did you pick up something extra in the Dam – you’ve been scratching your scrotum all fucking day

Bulldog
I know – I’ve got right peppery sacks boss- I might have done a spot of window shopping, if you know what I mean

Charlie
I do know what you mean you fucking slag! I can’t believe you Bulldog, ya savvy enough to put a condom on those bags of pills ya rammed up yer arse, but when it comes down to get dirty with a hooker…

Bulldog
Sorry boss, I forgot, it was the magic mushroom boss – they sell them in the windows

Charlie
Forgot! Fuck sake – Next time yer find yerself cavorting in the Dam, remember the sacred words of Saint Jeremy Kyle

Charlie & Bulldog
PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT


SCENE 6 – The Lilypad

Lily & Nelson have been having a session – empty bottles of bubbly & bags of weed on the table – sexy music on in the background

Nelson
{fingering a large sausage shape in mid-air}
So, she put it in her mouth & said that’s the biggest sausage I’ve ever seen…. I’m like, ‘honey, its only a bratwurst you can get them from Lidl these days

Lily
You’re funny…

Nelson
& you’re gorgeous

Lily
Thanks… you’re not so bad yourself…. is there any coke left by the way

Nelson
Well, there’s not much now – we’ve caned most of it… might as well cook up a couple of big, fat lines… finish it off

Lily
Damn straight…

Nelson
{starts racking up the lines}
So, are you single?

Lily
Kind of

Nelson
What do you mean?

Lily
I guess I’m just coming out of an open relationship

Nelson
What does that mean?

Lily
Well, my boyfriend, well ex now, he goes to me ‘lets have an open relationship’

Nelson
Yeah, &?

Nelson
Well it looks good on you

Lily
Does it, oh thanks

Nelson
{offering coke}
That guy sounds like a proper tosser

Lily
{snorting coke}
He was – they always are – I seem to attract delinquent neanderthals – you’re not like that are ya?

Nelson
Course not love – I’m the sophisticated type

Nelson snorts coke like  a bull

Lily
I mean, me & boys, it’s just a case of trying to fit square pegs into round holes – it just doesn’t work

Nelson
I’ve got a round peg just waitin’ to fit into your hole sweetheart

Lily
Really! So go on then, tell me about yourself

Nelson
Who, me

Lily
Yeah, what do you do for a living

Nelson
O mi – job, eh, well, I’m, ehm, I’m a sex therapist

Lily
Never

Nelson
I’ll give you a free service if you like

Nelson
Sometimes

Lily
{standing}
But… have you ever been with a real woman?

Nelson
Of course I have

Lily
No, you know, a woman, a woman with needs

Nelson
I know what you need

Nelson kisses the back of Lily’s neck

Lily
Now that was dangerous

BIRDLAND

Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man
& I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers
But they never stick around long enough to say
Lets take a trip underneath your covers
Cos I feel like your lover today

I’m looking for my equal
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me…

& I feel like a dusky jewel,
my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you
& I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate
There’s so many love songs I have to write
Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet
Cos I feel like a lady tonight

I’m looking for my hero
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me shine…
Sh-sh-sh-shine
Come on & come on & shine
Shine on my baby, come on & shine

Nelson & Lily kiss

Nelson
I know this might sound a bit mad, & I know it’s a bit early &, I might have necked a shed load of pills, but, I positively, definitely think, that I — I – Lo…

Door buzzer goes off 

Lily
Who the fucks that!?

Nelson
Don’t answer it

Lily
It might be Felicity, it’s all over Facebook- she’s having a ‘crisis’ – I’ll just go & see…
{on the intercom}
Hello who is it

TC
{Intercom}
Alright Lily darlin, let us in, I know you’ve got Nelson up there, I need to see him pronto

Lily
Oh, TC… do you know what time it is?

TC
Yeah, time for to a big fat line of Charlie! Let us in will ya

Lily
Well, if you put it like that…
{buzzes door}

Nelson
Who was that…

Lily
TC… a mate of mine… do you know him

Nelson
Well, sort of… is he coming up?

Lily
Yeah… he said he’s got some coke as well… we’ve just finish’d yours off, so … perfect timing!

Enter TC

TC
Hey-hey-hey… what’s going on here, Celebrity Love Island… the bouncer down the Bongo said you two jumped in a taxi together

Lily
Hi man, I’m just getting to know your friend – he’s a-dorable

TC
He will be if he chops the lines out… welcome to the Lilypad, Nelson, there’s been many a rave in ‘ere, now where’s that coke…

Nelson
What coke

TC
The coke, Nelson, which I told you to keep hold of for me

Nelson
Oh, that coke

TC
Yes, Nelson, the four grams of coke which I asked you to look after while I went on a mission to get everybody high, I’m a nice guy like that

Nelson
Ehm… well, you see, its, its

Lily
Its kinda gone TC

TC
Whaddayamean, kindagone

Lily
I thought that was your stuff Nelson…
You bullshitting bastard

TC
Wooah! – wooah! – wooah! – wooah! wooah! you can save the domestics ’til ya man & wife… but I’m now down a few grams of charlie – I haven’t even paid for it yet – the guys expecting the cash in the morning & there’s no way I’m shelling out for your little love-in

Nelson
I’m so sorry mate, I lost mi ‘ed, them Dutch pills are well strong

TC
Don’t blame the fuckin’ drugs, they didn’t hold a pistol to your head saying, ‘snort all TC’s coke,’ did they – now stop fucking about & give me some money for that coke

Nelson
Sorry mate, spent up

Lily
So you’re skint as well as Pinocshio… are you even from Edinburgh?

Nelson
Eh?

Lily
Where exactly are you from?

Nelson
Peebles

Lily
Peebles, Peebles, I can’t believe I was falling for someone from Peebles.

Nelson
You were?

Lily
I might have been… but you’ve blown it now… I think you should leave…

Nelson
But baby…

Lily
I’m not yer baby, never have been, never will be, now if you’d both be so kind as to fuck off – I’ve got better things to do than put up with you two monkeys

LOVE YA BABY

Nelson
I got the notion to show some emotion
We could be lovers if you only knew
All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout
High over skyscrapers that I love you
I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well shame on you,
Cos you’re just full of it
what a crock of shit
All you want’s a bit of what I got
feelings that I feel
Thought they could be real
But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot

Nelson
But I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby & I know my love is true
Cos ever since I met ya girl
You just gone & blown my world
So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do

Lily
How can you love me
You hardly know my name

Nelson
I love ya baby

Lily
But I do not feel the same

Nelson
Look lady I’m not full of shit
You just can’t handle it
Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life
Baby cant ya see
We were meant to be
It is your destiny to be my wife

I love ya baby…. yes I do
I love ya baby,
Look what the hell you put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well I DONT LOVE YOU
You are a liar, you are dishonest
You drive me crazy with all your promises
First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’
Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’
You say ya love me
You hardly even know my name
How can ya love me when I do not feel the same
You are a user & now you know the score
You are a loser, sonny there’s the door

Nelson
But, but, we shared a kiss

Lily
I didn’t enjoy it – when was the last time you brush’d yer teeth

Nelson
Oi

Lily
Look, just do one will ya

Nelson
Alright, I’ll need my phone first tho’, where is it

Lily
How do I know, look for it

Nelson
TJ, lend us yer phone, I need to ring mine

TJ
No credit

Nelson
Ah Lily, lend us yours, please

Lily
Fer fucks sake, but if its gonna get rid of you two numpties, alright

TC
You’ve smoked all my weed n’all!

Lily
Yes TC darlin’, of course we’ve smoked all your weed – I didn’t know it was yours, did I, I thought it was his

TC
You fuckin’ vultures

Nelson dials his number – his own phone starts ringing

Lily
What ya doin’?

Nelson
Just gettin’ yer number baby

Lily
What! Get out! Both of you get out! Now! Out!

Nelson
Any chance of a snog before I go

Lily
OUT!

TC
What about me Lily

Lily
Look, TC, you only want to get into my knickers so you can wear em, & I don’t do carpet munchers, now get out

TC
But

Lily
I mean it, get out of my fucking house NOW!!!

TC
Cheeky bitch Alright keep your hair on…

Nelson
Your loss sister

Exit Nelson & TC in a huff grabbing the champagne en route 

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