Scene 3: A tavern in Navarrenx – Veronique is fixing drinks for Andre – Didier & Albert are making merry
Andre
Merci mademoiselle… here you go boys
Albert
Nice one mate
Didier
Tell me, Andre, what is being married actually like
Andre
It is not a bed of roses, by any means, but the true merit of any venture is in its difficulty, right – if your wife is worth it then all obstacles & pains should be overcome with a simple sense of nobility – but in the course of your wedlock, my friend, I find there is no point in arguing with your wife in any circumstance – you will never win – & you should always let her have the last word, anything you say after that will only lead to a brand new altercation
Albert
I agree wholeheartedly – I find one minute my wife is gently & delectably sipping from a glass of wine…
Andre
& the next, she is throwing it at your head, right
Albert
Right
Andre
I sometimes think they are beings from another world
Albert
Perhaps so – they seem to work from a completely different clock to us – five minutes to a woman is one of our half hours – her half an hour is the same as two of our man hours – & if she says she will be a couple of hours – well, one should simply forget the entire circumstance
Andre
It is the long, loud sigh that worries me the most – when Olive launches one of those into the room I know I shall be enduring a day of much discomfort – I will say to her, are you well my sweet, & she will reply I am fine my darling – which I now understand to mean she is far from fine – that took a great deal of head-scratching, believe me – anyway, when she says she is fine & immediately follows the word this with a long, loud sigh you are trapp’d my friend, there is no way out & it’s not pretty
Veronique brings the drinks
Veronique
Here you are gentlemen
Albert
Merci mademoiselle
Veronique
Enjoy your drinks
Albert
Mon dieu, she is the very essence of Aphrodite
Didier
Why don’t you try talking to the girl
Albert
I would never – she is far too attractive for me
Andre
My friend, woman prefer confidence & personality to good looks, go & talk to her
Albert
But how should I even approach the conversation
Didier
I believe it’s not about saying the right thing, but about not saying the wrong thing
Andre
Tell her you have been observing her from afar & thought her a striking beauty
Albert
Sounds a bit stalkery
Didier
Well, just be funny then – a woman will enjoy a man who can make her laugh
Andre
& remember, he who hesitates, masturbates
Albert
Pardieu! You are right! I shall make a damn good attempt of the wooing
Didier
One word of warning… however beautiful she appears, do not stare at her… frontal delights… during the conversation, it will not be to your credit
Andre
& when you discover the tart’s name, repeat it a few times to yourself, when it comes to courtship, forgetting what a woman is actually call’d is a most terrible faux pas
Didier
Superseded only by calling her by some other woman’s name
Andre
& once you obtain her name, repeat it to yourself a number of times so it becomes entrench’d in your memory
Albert
Thank you for the advice – wish me luck, I’m going in
Andre
Go get her tiger
Albert approaches Veronique
Albert
Hello
Veronique
More drinks
Albert
No – we have plenty, I was just wondering where I had seen you before
Veronique
Albert, you are a frequent visitor to this tavern
Albert
No, I mean, was it at the public library, I was browsing through several books on the subjects of philosophy & mathematics & other such subjects which only a great intellect can understand
Veronique
I don’t go to libraries – can’t read
Albert
You cannot read – O dear
Veronique
What are you saying
Albert
No, nothing, I’m sorry, it is of no consequence your inability to read
Veronique
I’m glad you think so – is that wll you wanted, to make me feel embarrass’d?
Albert
No, I never meant to, wait! – would you at least do me the pleasure of giving me your name
Veronique
It’s Veronique
Albert mumbles her name to himself several times
Veronique
Could you please stop your mumblings sir, you are making me feel uneasy
Albert
My apologies, let me introduce myself formally – I am Albert Dupoint – could I possibly buy you a drink
Veronique
I don’t need you to buy me a drink, I can get one whenever I want – & I am actually working, thanks – so, if you are finished, finally, I have some pots I need to wash
Albert
Do you mind if I watch you… washing those glasses that is…
Veronique
It’s a free country…
Didier
They seem to be getting on
Andre
Love is in the air, I suppose
Didier
So… how do you really feel about me marrying Annie May – I know you had a thing together once – it cut you up rather severely when she ended the trystings
Andre
I have gotten well over it my friend – I am happily married to Olive now
Didier
So, there will never be any hard feelings between us
Andre
Of course not – never – Navarrenx is a small town, Didier – the chances of ended up with one of your friend’s exes is rather high – it is all about dealing with the happenstance – but, there is one thing I want to say
Didier
What?
Andre
You must be careful – once a temptress, always a temptress, you know what she’s like
Didier
Nonsense, the temptress has been tamed, she is completely devoted to me – she tells me every day
Andre
Words & actions are each manufactur’d from a completely different essence – all I’m saying, is, well, be careful
Didier
I appreciate your concern – but this is the genuine article – we are head over heels in love
Andre
Of, course you are, what am I saying, I am so sorry
Didier
It’s not a problem – after all, you are my best friend & my best man – I wouldn’t expect any other action – you are, & always have been like a brother to me Andre
BROTHERS IN ARMS
Well I ain’t no politician
Nor a member of yer family
But when the chips are down
I’ll come running round
Because brother you can count on me
You’re my brother from another mother
& I love the way we share our time
Cos when the day is thro’ I can count on you
Cos you’re the bestest friend of mine
Youre always with me in the good times
You always help me thro the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go
When the sycamores are falling
In the valley of Aleppo pine
Well, we got our backs
With our battleaxes
You’re he bestest friend of mine
Like a sister from another mister
Or a geisha girl that pours the wine
When the day is done
Youre a gentleman
& the bestest friend of mine
Youre always with me in the good times
You always help me thro the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go
Brothers in arms stick together
In the face of stormy weather
Like Crecy, Agincourt & all the rest
You’re always with me in the good times
You always help me thro’ the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go
Didier
I fucking love you man
Andre
I love you too brother – we are like the twinned siblings of a single womb
They embrace – Albert joins in hug – enter the three Musketeers – Portos, Athos & Aramis
Athos
Bazempleu, Porthos ! what a hovel of a tavern
Aramis
But it still serves wine, Athos, it will have to do
Veronique
Well look who it is, the three fucking Musketeers
Porthos
Steady your tongue wench, or I shall slice it off with my sword
Albert
What ya saying mate
The Three Musketeers all draw their swords
Athos
We are saying you’d better sit down & shut up
Albert
You what
Aramis
A bottle of champagne if you please, mademoiselle
Veronique
Certainly sir
Didier
{grabbing Albert}
Albert, come & sit back over here with us
Albert
I’m not going nowhere, not until these oversized pantaloons apologise
Porthos
What did you say
Veronique
Messieurs! messieurs! calm down – here’s you champagne… Albert, go & sit over there with your friends… NOW
Athos
Or better still, go back to Roncevalles where you belong you donkey-fucking mountain-boy
Albert lunges for Athos, Didier drags him back
Didier
Mate, mate, he’s not worth it, come over here & chill out
Albert
Nah, he needs to learn a lesson, mate
Didier
Not tonight, man, it’s my stag do
Albert
Aw fuck it!
Didier drags Albert away / Aramis splurts out his drink
Aramis
Why, you cheap strumpet whore, you have given us Anjou wine instead of Champagne, & fancied we’d not know better
Porthos
She has done what
Aramis
Navarrenx is so full of degenerates these days
Albert snaps angrily & rushes back
Andre
Shit!
Albert
Oi you – yes you – what did you call her
Aramis
I said she was a cheap strumpet whore
Albert
Well you, monseigneur, are just a mustache twiddling cunt
Aramis
You what
Albert decks Aramis & they begin fighting; Andre, Didier, Porthos & Aramis join in; the fight is broken up by the entrance of Louis
Louis
Arret! Arret! Stop this at once
Albert
Oh shit
Didier
Monsieur Trezeguet, I am so sorry, this is not the real me, I promise, I was randomly embroil’d in an altercation, I promise with all my heart I will be a good husband to your daughter
Louis
I do hope so, Didier, & Porthos, what the hell are you doing – this man is marrying my daughter tomorrow, it would be better if he were actually alive
Porthos
Monseigneur, I apologise, we were all in high spirit
Louis
Look, you are three & you are three – how dies unlimited dinner & drinks for six sound – on me of course
Aramis
Huzzah
Albert
I suppose that sounds alright
Louis
I wish there will be nothing but absolute joy on my daughter’s special day – there will be no more bad energy created in Navarrenx for the foreseeable future – do you understand
Andre
Of course, Monseigneur
Louis
Veronique, I will clear the bill for all these six men consume this evening on the morrow – I actually came in to tell you not to forget those cute little pink doyleys for wedding feast
Veronique
All under control Monseigneur Trezeguet
Louise
Messieurs, behave yourselves
Exit Louis
Porthos
You heard the man, we shall begin with six bottles of your, ehm, champagne as you call it… the fact it is free should make up for its deficiencies in quality
Aramis & Athos
Huzzah
Didier
Take a seat with us
Athos
So, who is it that is getting married on the morrow, is it you
Didier
It is
Athos
Well, if this is your last night of freedom, let’s get absolutely shit-faced
Porthos
All for one & one for all
All
Huzzah
Andre
By the way, what time is it
Didier
It is twenty minutes to eleven
Andre
That late ! Alas, I am afraid I continue with the festivities – I promised my wifeI would be home by elevem – we wanted a good night’s sleep before the festivities
Didier
Are you sure you’ve got to go?
Andre
Yes, I must
Veronique brings the drinks
Veronique
Your drinks
Didier
Stay & have this last glass with us
Andre
No – I must be off, you will understand yourself when you are married, its not worth the hassle
Didier
Ah well – there will be plenty of wine come the morrow – just make sure you are at the church for mid-day
Andre
It is not me we need to worry about – Albert, you’re now in charge, make sure he gets home tonight
Albert
Of course
Andre
Messieurs & Musketeers until tomorrow
Albert
It’s going to be a lot of fun – & you’re coming too, right guys
Porthos
We are
Didier
Sure
Three Musketeers
Huzzah
Exit Andre – the men dive into conversation & drinking
Scene 4: The woods / Annie-May is waiting / enter Andre
Annie-May
O Andre – my sweet Andre – I am so glad you came – what took you so long
Andre
I went to see my wife before I attended this extremely inappropriate meeting
Annie-May
Did you tell her you were coming to see me
Andre
Of course I didn’t – she would have exploded – she is asleep now, so I felt I could come – tho’ I do feel extremely strange in doing so – for example, why are we secretly meeting in the woods the midnight before your wedding – and here of all places – our secret trysting site
Annie-May
I just needed to see you one last time – as a single woman
Andre
You what
Annie-May
There is something most particular I must tell you
Andre
What is it Annie May
Annie-May
You must know that it is you whom I truly love
Andre
What! Well, why are you marrying Didier
Annie May
It is simply his chopper – it is enormous – in a small town like Naverrenx, a girl like me needs an axe like that
Andre
Here we go – it’s always been about my axe – change the ballad-sheet Annie, it’s getting boring
Annie-May
I’m sorry, I’m just so confused
Andre
You have always been the same Annie-May – all you think about is your own needs, & to blazes with anyone who gets hurt in your wake
Annie-May
But darling – I still think of you every single day – we shared the most – exquisite of moments – in this very place – do you remember the time we were stood up against that tree
Andre
Hah – that I do recall… but you have made your choice, you are marrying my best friend
Annie-May
Could I at least have one last kiss – a farewell of sorts
Andre
I cannot comply with such a request as that
Annie-May
But it would just be for the sake of old times, for the sake of good old times
Andre
No – I cannot betray Didier in such a fashion
Voices approaching
Annie-May
Quickly – hide
Enter Didier, Albert & Aramis – they are very drunk
Aramis
Ah man – I love you lads, thanks for inviting me back for a nightcap
Albert
Not a problem at all – we are delighted to have you
Aramis
The other Musketeers are exceedingly dull in comparison – must be in bed by midnight, Aramis, must be doing the King’s service in the morning Aramis – Porthos is as vain as narcissus, & Athos, well he’s just a dick – anyway, enough of all that, Didier, tell me about this bride-to-be of yours, what’s she like
Didier
Mere words could never express how much I love her – she is the epitome of womanly perfection – & I simply cannot wait until this time tomorrow, when our conjoinment shall be finalised – carnally
Didier vomits
Albert
Better out than in – come on, let’s get you home
Didier
Alright, alright
Didier vomits again – as he wipes his mouth with a handkerchief from his pocket the lemon blossom falls out
Didier
Urrgh – that is better – but I do rather feel as if an elephant has defecated in my cranium
Albert
I think we had better get you to your bed – Aramis, give me a hand will you
Aramis
Steady on your feet, there, Didier, one foot in front of the other, that’s great, keep it up
Albert
Just a few minutes, mate, almost home
Exit Albert, Aramis & Didier
Andre
That was too close
Annie-May
You see what I am marrying – he is a veritable beast – please, please Andre, give me one last chance to feel again the one true love of my life
LETS GET ON IT
I’ve waited ages to meet in our favourite place
For the moment to come when we stand face to face
We kiss & we touch, wrap our arms round our waist
As I suck on your lips then we quicken the pace
then we slowly unravel the clothes that we wear
Lose the rose as it glows like the sun in your hair
then we fumble & tumble right onto the floor
It’s the time that the angels must always adore
Let’s get on it I want it I know that you want it
I know that I want it, I want you to want it
& as we get on it lets sing a love sonnet
I’m on it, I want on it
Let the passion roar x 2
Let the passion soar x 2
You’re full of bad chat you don’t dig my hat
& you never listen to a word I say
You’re my Annie-May
You use illusion, make confusion
But you’re always smiling when the skies are grey
You’re my Annie May, when you say
If you want my body take me home, home take me home
If you want my body take me home, boy take me home
If you want my body take me home, c’mon take me away
I’m your Annie-May
So, this is the time of our lives yes, it is
As we’re joined at the loins with our groins in a tizz
She sings in my ear such a sensual sound
As it swells to the bells of our hearts as they pound
To this moment of magic two lovers entwined
As some beautiful music moves up thro the mind
It’s the song of Olympus while Bachus plays on
We are good, we are strong, we belong, we are one
Let’s get on it I want it I know that you want it
I know that I want it, I want you to want it
& as we get on it lets sing a love sonnet
I’m on it, I want on it
Let the passion roar x 2
Let the passion soar x 2
You’re full of pullbacks
You don’t dig my axe
But you’re always smiling when the skies are grey
You’re my Annie-May
You make diversions, casts aspersions
But I’m so excited when you’re out to play
You’re my Annie-May, when you say
If you want my body take me home, home take me home
If you want my body take me home, boy take me home
If you want my body take me home, c’mon take me away
I’m your Annie-May, until my wedding day
I’ll be your Annie-May until my wedding day…
Scene 5: The same / it is dawn / Andre & Annie-May are asleep in a post-coital embrace / enter Didier
Didier
Where is that fucking flower – respect the Gypsies my grandmother said – I could hardly bring a curse down on my married life before it has even begun – now where on earth could that flower be where – I recall being sick somewhere, now where was it… uugh, found it – & the flower also – ah! Mon dieu !
Didier freezes as he sees Andre & Annie-May asleep
MURDER ON MY MIND
There’s a traitor’s pain in my side
Tonight, I’ll murder my bride
I saw her down in the woods
Doing something that curdl’d my blood
But I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me
Deep inside deep inside deep inside I’m bleeding
What is more, I feel raw for the gore I’m needing
But I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me
I’m sorry that u have to die
I’m sorry but u have to die
I’m sorry that u have to die
I’m sorry but u have to die
You broke my heart
Before we did marry
It’s time to start
Your hari-kari
Tonight, were the talk of the town
Celebrating true love which we’ve found
& then when the town’s all asleep
I’ll drown my love down in the deep
Cos I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me x 4
Exit Didier
Andre
What was that – I heard a noise
Annie-May
It was probably a wild boar or something – but look – it is dawn – I, I – must get home – I’m getting married today
Andre
But how can you marry him now – after last night
Annie-May
I must
Andre
No – I insist you call the wedding off & marry me instead – we cannot spend the rest of lives living a lie
Annie-May
But you are married yourself
Andre
Ah shit, I forgot – well it was a mistake to marry Olive – I only became her lover to soften the anguish of losing you – then she fell with child & I was forc’d to marry her – to save your father’s precious status in the town – then she lost the baby & I was stuck – I have never loved her – it has always been you
Annie-May
We would never be accepted in Navarrenx – my family would not accept the union, & it would kill my sister – no, it cannot be
Andre
We could elope – catch the morning coach – we could be in Paris in a week
A pause
Annie-May
A charming & romantic thought, but I must marry Didier – our won love-making last night, Andre, was heavenly, however – I will take the memory to my grave – always remember, that while my body goes to him, my heart shall live in thine – farewell my lover, my dear, dear Andre
Exit Annie-May – Andre sits on the ground dejected – begins to cry
The Conchordia Folio 