Exes & Axes: Scenes 6-8


Scene 6: Outside the church / Didier is waiting / Enter Andre

Andre
Apologies for my tardiness – I overslept – how are you feeling

Didier
On top the world, mate, on top of the world

Andre
Are you not feeling weary following last night’s drinking session

Didier
No, not at all – I went to the apothecary this morning & bought me a few of these cheeky herbal remedies – want one

Andre
Go on then

Enter Olive

Olive
Andre

Andre
Darling

Olive
So, where did you go last night my love?

Andre
Ehm

Didier
He was with me, we had a nightcap or three to steady my nerves

Olive
I thought as much – good luck Didier – I shall see you both inside

Andre
Thanks for that – eh – I didn’t actually get home, I was just too drunk, I just found warm bush in the woods & fell asleep

Didier
{picking twig out of his hair}
Did you – oh yes, I can see that, well you are here now, that is all that matters

Enter Amelie

Amelie
Why, you are both looking very smart today – Didier, my sister is a lucky woman, she will revel in your handsome appearance

Didier
You are looking quite beautiful yourself, Amelie

Amelie
Thank you… now let me just straighten your flower… lemon blossom is it not

Didier
It is

Amelie
See you inside

Exit Amelie – enter the Three Muskateers

Andre
Porthos, Athos, Aramis – you made it

Aramis
Of course we did, if our new best friend is getting married, we wouldn’t miss it for the world

Didier
How wonderful you came – there will be plenty of victuals to be consumed in the town square after the ceremony

Andre
Including some genuine champagne, Aramis

Aramis
Excellent

Porthos
Congratulations again, Didier

Didier
Thank you – come with me, I shall show you to your seats – hold the fort Andre & I shall meet you inside

Andre
Of course

Exit Didier & the Three Musketeers – Enter Annie-May & Louis

Louis
My sweet child – before we go inside & I give you away forever, let me take another look at you – ah, you look just like your mother

Andre
Monseigneur Trezeguet, could I speak with your daughter alone for a moment

Louis
Of course – I shall meet you in the antechamber, dear

Exit Louis

Albert
Don’t marry him

Annie-May
It’s a little late now don’t you think

Albert
To damnation with what you think – it is how you feel that counts

Annie May
Look Andre, your chopper just cannot cut down enough trees to keep me satisfied, & that’s the end of it

Albert
Listen to me Annie-May – listen to reason & not your material wants – drive such selfish thoughts from your mind for once & hear what your heart is screaming

Annie May
Well… it does, it always does pang for you, I know, that, but…

Albert
Shhh – there is a way we can be together – tonight I shall come to your room & I’ll get rid of him – forever – we can stage a robbery, some unscrupulous pilgrim on the Camino de Santiago wanting to steal our wedding gifts – then I shall claim Didier’s axe as my own & chop down the biggest trees in the whole of France, & all of them shall fall to the earth for you, Annie-May

Annie-May
You would do that… for me

Albert
For us

Annie May
Very well – but I must marry him first

Didier
It will break my heart

Annie May
My father would be suspicious – he would know you had talked me out of marrying Didier just now – we need to maintain the pretense – go inside & tell them we are coming

They kiss / exit Andre / Annie-May takes a deep breath & enters the church


SCENE 7: The ChurchDidier, Andre, Albert, Annie-May, Amelie, Olive, Louis, Veronique, Gisella, Pierre, Priest, Porthos, Athos, Aramis

Priest
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in this lovely little church to join this man & woman in holy matrimony – I believe the bride & groom have written their own vows

APPLES IN THE STREAM

I’ll dust you down, I’ll give you rings,
I shall treat you like a queen
& we shall bob on happily like apples in the stream

The fish shall take a nip at us & from our armour flee
But we shall bob omnipotent like apples to the sea

I close me eyes, I steal the scene, my life feels like a dream
& we shall bob on happily like Apples in the stream

& when we reach lifes violent tides beyond our island bay
Sunbeating on the shadeless wastes we’ll slowly bruise away
Til from our ever happy core our pips of love released
& we shall find a haven in the sea’s eternal peace

I’ll dust you down, I’ll give you rings,
I shall treat you like the queen
& we shall bob on happily like apples in the
I close me eyes, I steal the scene, my life feels like a dream
& we shall bob on happily like Apples in the stream
Yes, we shall bob on merrily like apples in the stream
Yes, we shall find serenity like apples in the stream

Priest
Now, we must observe the couple exchange wedding rings – messieurs, do you have them

Louis & Andre pass over the rings – Didier & Annie-May place them on each other’s fingers

Priest
Let us continue… do you, Didier de Chardonnay, take Annie-May Trezeguet to be your lawful wedded wife

Didier
I do

Priest
& do you, Annie-May Trezeguet take thee, Didier de Chardonnay to be your lawful wedded husband

Annie May
I do, I do

Priest
Then I am proud to pronounce you both man & wife – You may kiss your bride

All
Huzzahs

Andre
Ladies & gentlemen – thank you all for coming to this special occasion – I hope you will agree with me when I say there has never been a lovelier couple in Navarrenx… Now, as is the custom among we woodcutters, the bride & groom shall chop a log in tandem – to show how they will be working together in life – Albert

Albert gets the axe & log

Veronique
Mon Dieu! – its ginormous

Olive
Veronique!

Giselle
But it is – I’ve never seen an axe like it – its huge

Amelie
Shh…

Didier
Thank you, Albert – so darling, grip the shaft please – 1-2-3 & swing

They chop the log together to cheers

Andre
It is also the tradition at this moment for the groom’s best man to make a speech, now where is it {bringing out lots of sheets of paper} – Only joking, I shall make it short – so, being a married man myself, I thought I would tell my best friend what to expect from wedlock – you know marriage, it has a certain ring to it doesn’t it – engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring – I mean – take my wife – no, please!

O my Wife she is such a complainer
She complains about things every day
The dog & the dishes, thro’ cold frigid kisses
I’m wishing my missus away

Yes, my Wife she is just a big moaner
& I cannot do anything right
She’s fussy & pushy
Her armpits are bushy
& her pussy has never been tight

O my Wife she is such a complainer
She complains about things every day
The dog & the dishes, thro’ cold frigid kisses
I’m wishing my missus away

You know I’m only kidding on my darling – I believe that in the end I married miss right – I just didn’t realise her first name was always – but married life does have its perks, of course, you live longer for once – but then again you’re more willing to die – but don’t get me wrong, I do love my Olive, despite not being the prettiest flower in the woods – when we go to the zoo I have to buy her another ticket so they’ll let her out – take my Olive for instance – she did remedy her looks once tho, she bought a mudpack and looked especially delectable for a few days – then the mud fell off – but you know, married life means guaranteed bedtime action & for me I find my dear wife always closes her eyes while were making love – she hates to see me having a good time ! But when the day is done my wife is so very dear to me, in fact she’s nearly spent all my money ! So, Didier, here a tip on making a marriage last – me & Olive like going to a nice restaurant twice a week, a little wine, good food, good company – she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays !

Pierre
Monsieur, could you alter your tone sil vous plait, my wife is an angel –

Andre
You’re lucky, mine’s still alive – anyway…

Louis
{interjecting}
Ehm, Andre, that was a wonderful speech, if you will allow me a few words myself

Andre
Of course

Louis
I, too, would like to thank everyone for coming to the wedding of my beautiful baby girl – I hope you will agree with me when I say she looks exceedingly gorgeous – Annie-May, Didier – I wish for you a great many blessings on your domestic happiness – & I hope you we will soon hear the flute-like voices of your children floating through the woods – & in order to supplement my wish, I have an extra wedding gift for you both

Annie-May
What is it

Louis
Open it & see

Annie-May
O papa

Didier
What is it

Louis
It’s great deal of monies so you can go anywhere you want to go on your honeymoon – as long as it has a romantic setting conducive to – well, you know – making babies

Annie-May
O papa

Didier
Merci, Monseigneur Trezeguet

Louis
You are welcome, son… well, everybody, to the town square where the feasting shall begin

All
Huzzah

The wedding party exit the church in pairs, singing

He’ll dust you down, he’ll give you rings, he shall treat you like the queen
& you’ll both bob on happily like apples in the stream
(repeat several times)

Didier & Annie-May
Yes, we’ll both bob on happily like apples in the stream


Scene 8: Bridal suite – Enter Didier & Annie-May with lots of wedding gifts

Annie May
Annie-May de Chardonnay – I do like it, the name is very me – come here my true husband & kiss me, prodigiously

Didier
One moment my love, I just need to move a few things about

Didier begins to move bedroom furniture around

Annie-May
What on earth are you doing

Didier
I thought we would be needing a little more space for our lovemaking

Annie May
Why Didier, what do you have in mind

Didier
Everything

GOOD TIME LOVER

I got this good time lover & she’s so damn fine
I think im gonna take us to the sunny side
& when she get on top were gonna double drop
As I’m up & sucking on her clementines

I got this good time lover & he makes me high
Whenever he’s-a looking deep into my eye
& when he get on top he’s like a ticking clock
As I’m a getting randy in a candy shop

I said hey, boy, it’s time to turn over
For just about the seventh time
I said it’s your turn to turn over
Cos its about time I got on top of you

I got this good time lover & he’s well alright
To the songs of the crickets on a sommer’s night

I got this good time lover & the way he moans
Hes softening the marrow in my ankle bones
When he get on top he did a belly flop
& our eyes sent a spinning like a satellite

I got this good time lover when the nights on fire
Were gonna wiggle it get jiggy to our hearts desire
& when she get on top, I hope she never stops
As I’m up & licking on her lollipops

Hey girl I’m lying in clover
& your perfume tastes divine
But it’s your turn to turn over
Cos it’s about time I got on top of you

Ordinarily I don’t believe the hype
But if you find a lover that is just your type
Getting hot & sweaty is the thing to do
Especially with somebody as hot as you

Hey, girl, it’s time to turn over
For just about the seventh time
I said its your turn to turn over
& I know that you looking hot
Climbing like Camelot
But it’s about time I got on top of you

Annie May
Mon Dieu

Didier
What is it

Annie May
I never thought it possible – I thought it was just a woodland myth

Didier
What

Annie May
I – I think I just died

Didier
What – shall I call a doctor

Annie May
No, no need – come here – that was amazing – you have made me feel like a woman for the very first time – I – I think I love you – we must do all that again, night after night, forever & ever – I love you

Didier
Really

Annie May
Of course – I mean – before I was unsure – but nobody had ever made me feel like that in my whole life – like ever – so whole, so complete – like I am one with the universe – but, wait, Didier, why, your wedding ring is on the wrong finger

Didier
That is because I married the wrong woman

Annie May
What on earth do you mean darling

Didier
I should never have let you charm me out of your sister – she is a thousand times the woman you will ever be

Annie May
Good lord – whatever has gotten into you

Didier
Drop thy false mask, thou brazen harlot

Annie May
What?

Didier
I saw you

Annie May
What

Didier
This morning – down in the woods – with Andre

Annie May
What did you see

Didier
Enough

Annie May
I can explain my love

Didier
Don’t give me your condescending bullshit – I gave you my heart, & you have ripped it out – stamped on the poor thing in your wedding shoes to tenderized the meat – put in the oven – cooked it for an hour – chopped it up into little pieces & fed it to the woodland wolves

Annie May
It was a mistake – all a mistake – but things are different now, honey – it is you that I love – profoundly

Didier
What! Love – love is the most selfish of all the passions, but you transcend even that self-serving obsession – you love only yourself Annie-May – & now I feel there is a black bear at rage inside me that can only be appeased by blood – your blood

I’m sorry that you have to die
I’m sorry but you have to die
I’m sorry that you have to die
I’m sorry but you have to die

You broke my heart
Before we did marry
It’s time to start
Your hari-kari

Annie May
My husband – forgive me, forgive me please – I am your wife – I love you I love you I love you

A pause

Didier
Somehow – I sense now that you might mean it – look me in the eyes – I am sorry, I have come to my senses now – come to my arms Annie-May

They hug

Annie May
O, Didier, my sweet darling Didier – you now are the only man I will ever need

Didier
You must promise me you will never see Andre again

Annie May
Andre

Enter Andre wielding an axe

Andre
I am here my love

Annie May
Andre – listen…

Andre
We can speak in a moment darling – this should only take a minute

Didier
Andre, you fiend, you treacherous dog – you moral-less monster – what are you doing in our bridal suite – get out at once

Andre
I know we are supposed to be the best friends & all that – but Annie May & I are in love – your marriage is a sham

Annie May
No – you are wrong – I don’t love you anymore, it is Didier whom I love

Andre
You do not have to pretend any more, my sweet angel – everything will be alright in a second or two

Didier
We’ll see about that

Annie May
Please – stop this at once – you are the best of friends

Didier
Not any more

Brothers in arms stick together
In the face of stormy weather
Like Crecy, Agincourt & all the rest

But no brother of mine would cross the line
Between sunshine & the shadows
Spreading darkness to my heart right thro my chest

It is time to meet you maker Andre

An axe battle – Didier is mortally wounded

Andre
Whose got the biggest chopper now, Didier

Didier
Why are you doing this?

Andre
I am sorry – but she loves me as I love her – we always have been soul-mates – you & your fucking axe are – were – the only thing that stopped us from being together

Andre closes eyes & takes swing

Annie May
Noo —–

Annie May is slain

Andre
Oh, Annie May! what have I done
& what is love, then, after all
A rose whose thorns shall scratch us
A sea whose storms shall drown us
A violent force that drives the mind to deeds
Unthought in all our darkest miseries
& now its stark reality has shown
Into what beasts we fools for love are grown
My darling, please forgive me

While Andre mourns over Annie May’s body, Didier draws on the last of his strength & slays Andre, then collapses on top of the two bodies – enter gypsy hag who picks up the lemon blossom

Gypsy
Fucking idiots

Gypsy leaves the stage cackling

FIN.

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