Category Archives: Alibi

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As a living poet I have always held a torch to tradition, using models like pillars on which to build my own poetical buildings. The Conchordia Folio is no different, for any self-respecting poet of substance, if turning to the dramatic arts, should really be focussing on the eminent dramatic poet of the language & his body of work.

But there is emulation & there is evolution, & for my own essay into theatre I have taken on board the love of my own zeitgeist for the Broadway/West End musical which has created, when blended with Shakespearean iambic pentameter, what I have call’d ‘Conchordia.’ In its purest essence it means ‘with chords,’ & all the songs I have provided for the conchords can be played on an acoustic guitar.

One must also praise the folk duo ‘The Flight Of The Conchords,’ who really raised the bar as to what an individual performer must be – part singer, part songwriter, part actor, part comedian, part dancer, etc… i.e. all the muses operating in a single bodily space.

The first 13 conchords of the CONCHORDIA FOLIO are;

LEITHOLOGY
Alibi
Tinky Disco
Gangstaland
Timewarpin’
No Nay Never

GODS OF THE RING
Fight Of The Century
Sunshine Showdown

LYRICAL HISTORIES
Flight of The White Eagles
Malmaison
Stars & Stripes
The Siege of Gozo
Charlie
Viriathus

Millhouse Green
22/04/21


The Conchordia Folio: An Interview with Damian Beeson Bullen (September 2019)

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Ever imagined what would have happen’d
If the Stone Roses had teamed up with Shakepseare? The Mumble caught up with the man behind it all…


Hello Damo. So you are here to talk about your new project, the Conchordia Folio – what’s it all about?
Hello Mumble. Well, in essence the folio is a collection of dramatic scripts, per se, rather like the Shakespearean folio. The only difference is I’m assembling it myself, whereas the Bard’s was collated by his pals a few years after his death. It should be ready in book & audio form by the Spring. There’ also an element of competition here – why not, you only get one life. As a poet I’ve written a better epic than Milton, but Shakespeare seems untouchable. But so were Liverpool FC before Fergie got the Man U job, & after declaring he wanted to ‘knock them off their fuc£king perch’ he went on to do so. I know I’m definitely a better bass-payer than Shakespeare, so I knew had to incorporate music into my scripts, play to my strengths kinda thing. Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch!

So how exactly do you intend to ‘Knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch?’
I mean look, if a guy can run a marathon in less than two hours, another guy can outdo Shakespeare. Its the whole point of being human right, to better ourselves. Methodwise, its simple really. I’ve tried to outdo his sonnets already, creating a sequence of 154 which if you put against Shakespeare’s 154, I think I’ve got the edge. So it’ll be the same idea with the plays. I need to create a canonical 37 which when placed next to Shakepseare’s own 37, lets leave it to posterity to decide. My edge, I think, is going to be more penetrable language, shorter pieces & some proper banging tunes.

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Performing Alibi at Eden Festival, 2018

Thirty Seven plays – thats an awful lot to create in a single sitting – how long do you think will it take to achieve?
Well, I’ve written/been writing an epic poem, Axis & Allies, since 2001, so I can handle large projects no problemo. But I have set myself a time limit. With Shakespeare writing his last play, The Tempest, over the winter of 1610-1611, then he was 46 years old, approaching 47. For an even playing field, then, I need to be finishing my 37th play about the same time. I turn 47 in June 2024, so I’ve got just under four years to finish them all. Its totally doable, by the way, & watching that guy run a sub-two-hour marathon thro sheer hard work & dedication inspired me. I guess its a bit like if you got an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, or whatever it was, one of them would randomly recreate the works of William Shakespeare OR you get one very determined bard from Burnley on an emulation mission creating something rather like the complete works of William Shaksepeare.

So what exactly is Conchordia?
Well. Its essentially the artform I’m inventing. Stripped down to its most basic level the term can be interpreted as ‘with chords’ – the idea is that one can witness a piece of drama accompanied by a single acoustic guitar. That’s the core. Then, I realised that guitar could be played by a performer, which reminded me of the very funny Flight of the Conchords duo. They are like proper multi-taskers – acting, singing, dancing, playing guitars – that’s what I want ‘Conchordian’ to be able to do. Act, sing, dance & playing instruments when they’re not on stage – even if its just percussive. Also, since Concord the airplane is now defunct, the name is up for grabs these days & I like idea of people going for a ride in one of my conchords.

What traits & attributes sets Conchordia apart from the other arts?
Each of the Conchordia has different DNA – there’s some that are just rock opera with barely any dialogue, & some that are simply musicals with an acoustic guitar. My later creations, however, are definitely realising a vision of theatre I have been developing. As a poet I have a gift for blank verse – its the most artistic way of expressing human speech. Shakespeare used it, so it can’t be that bad right? It certainly feels like at this point in time I’m the leading exponent of dramatic blank verse on the planet. I mean I just love it – there is a dynamic flow in those unrhymed five-stress ten styllable lines that  seems like the dream of ordinary speach in a greater version of humainity – the idealised tongue. The English also have a genius for songwriting, while the Americans have mastered the musical. So if we blend all these together – Shakespearean blank verse, English songwriting, plus a wee splash of Broadway, you get Conchordia.

What other musical instruments are used in Conchordia, apart from the percussion?
Well, to be honest, there’s no limit. I’m going off the old edict that for a song to be a good song it needs to sound good sung on its own with only an acoustic guitar. But any producer of a conchord may use that basis to add an orchestra, or a rock & roll band, anything they like really. Each text also has a few ‘set’ pointers, which may also be interpreted as the company sees fit.

Have you performed any of your conchords yet?
I have actually – last year I put on a piece called Alibi at the Haddington Corn Exchange & also at the Eden Festival. It was fun – everyone enjoyed performing it & watching it. Doing Alibi made me realise I was onto something & began to look at my past pieces.

Your past pieces, what do you mean?
Alibi was the first slice of musical theatre I ever did – in 2007 & 2008. I was wintering in Sicily & got an acoustic guitar for Christmas, 2006. I then started looking at my old songs, connecting the common threads & adding a story. Bingo, my first conchord! I performed a it a few times in Edinburgh, Sheffield & Leeds. Next was a piece called Charlie, about the Jacobite rebellion, which I made into a film. About that period, & ever since, I’ve created a few others, but all in sketch form, in various states of completion. The Conchordio Folio is the moment I get them all nailed – a line in the sand, so to speak.

What Conchords are to be included in the Folio?
Like I said before, 37. The first five come together in a quintology  called Leithology. There’s Alibi, Gangstaland, one I haven’t given a title to, a time-travelling one called Timewarpin’ & Tinky Disco. The idea is that they all interlink through characters, who each get a main musical to strut their stuff in. Like the X-Men franchise. Tinky Disco is based loosely upon The Tinky Disco Show, & will see the return of DJ Brooklyn – like a 21st century Falstaff. There are quite a number of histories – Charlie, Finnesburgh – based on a story in Beowulf – Malmaison, which tells the story of Napoleon on his return to Paris after Waterloo, one about Princess Diana, & Gods of The Ring, about the Foreman, Ali, Frazier fights in the 70s. There’s also a trilogy called The Rock & Roll Wars, its essentially a battle of the bands on a cosmic level. There’s Exes & Axes, a 19th century tale of romantic betrayal set in 19th century France – it doesn’t quite fit with any of the others, but its really funny.


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Composing Conchordia: Provence (February 2020)

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At the teddy bear shrine of Elizabeth Drummond

Just as Shakespeare toured Italy as a prelude to the writing of his Italian plays, when deciding to compose a conchord on Gaston Dominici, I thought a story-hunting trip to Provence in order to commune with the ghosts of that most famous of 20th century crimes would surely help my craft. The crime in question is the 1952 roadside murder of nutritionist Sir Jack Drummond, his wife & their 10 year old daughter. They had camped for the night near a farmhouse owned by Gaston Dominici, a 75 year old patriarch in whose barn was kept the WW2 carbine which shot Sir Jack & his wife, & then clubbed to death little Elizabeth. A shocking case which brought the world to the Durance Valley & also sucked to the surface old family quarrels & familiar local feuds which in the end saw Gaston sentenced to death. In the clear light of seven decades it seems likely that the perpetrator was Gaston’s grandson, 16 years old & probably drunk at the time, Roger Perrin.

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Last Thursday myself, Spud, Victor Pope & ex-Tinky Disco bandmate Al Roberts all made our bleary-eyed ways to Edinburgh airport for a 9.45 AM flight. Me & Spud always get wound up by Al leaving his house in a slow-shabby fashion, so opted to get to the airport ourselves – I took a tram & he the shuttle bus. Vic & Al shared an Uber without any mess-ups, which surprised us & proved a good omen to our week together on the road. As we stepped onto the tarmac to board our plane, the Scottish chill was fully raging & I was very much looking forward to a respite from the seemingly endless Caledonian winter.

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Gyptis choosing Euxene

A handful of hours later we were in Marseille & checking into our Air B&B right beside the Old Harbour, or Vieux Port. This was the spot where in 600 BC a guy called Euxene arrives from Phocae (an ancient part of Turkey) just in time for the local king’s daughter’s ‘choosing ceremony.’ In short, among a group of gathered suitors, Euxene was the one given a goblet of wine by princess Gyptis, who would later change her name to Aristoxenus. Euxene & Aristoxenus, now that’s already got the hallmarks of a conchord, I thought to myself, in the same way I thought that Gaston Dominici has a Motzartean ring about it. Looking at the Gyptis story at that point, tho, it unfortunately seemed a bit weak to make a conchord out of…

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Marseille with the lads was fun. Kicking back with a smart TV & cheap beer in the hypermodern flat or on the balcony overlooking the harbour, with the pointed cathedral rising on the central Marseille hill beyond. On the smart TV, we watched Netflix, played all our music videos, while Al could send to it our recent recordings – an album called the New Truth. I couldn’t help but notice the technological advancement of the species – the last time I was in Provence was 20 years ago & for fun me & my pal, Bryn, ended up making a chess board out of paper & stones. Here’s an extract from my journal of that time.


May 10th, 2000

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We woke up proper spangled, but a quick dip in the exquisitely cool pool proved enough of a respite from our frail noggins & we were able to pack & head out to Cannes. It was the first day of the festival & full of noisy Yanks, so we soon got out of dodge, striking inland on a bus to Grasse, a lovely town stacked high against the hillside. We had a couple of hours to kill so wandered around a bit & to our delight found it very swell, with lovely narrow streets & great prospects of the Cotes d’Azore in the distance.

After sending off our postcards we hopped on a bus north along La Route Napoleon. The view was spectacular as we climbed & wound thro’ the mountains, each one clad in trees giving a baize effect, & I could imagine Napoleon & his column following the same road. A rapid mist descended, however, followed soon after by heavy rain which showed no intention of letting up as we were unceremoniously dumped in the wee hamlet of Seranon. We dived into the only bar around for shelter & refreshment, obtaining a few funny looks off the funny looking locals.

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In the days before group emails & blogs

Eventually we found out the bus north didn’t leave til the morning, so we were stuck. We didn’t fancy putting the tent up in the rain so opted for a hotel. A friendly couple drove us a half mile down the road to their mate’s hotel, which was closed. Luckily the mustached madame opened it up for us (a whole hotel to ourselves), but we were forced to share a double bed (with pants on obviously). As soon as we paid our 15 francs the sun came out & we heaved a table up to the roof, bought wine, cheese, bread & sausage & had a most pleasant supper among the mountains. It was cool, me musing & Bryn sketchin’ & it felt nice to be doing spot of real travelling, the only sound being the constant chuckle of crickets. Bryn very correctly brought up the point we were stuck in a one horse dive & had less than two days to get to Venice, but I re-assured him all would be reyt. We made a chess-board out of paper & stones & played to the setting of the sun, before all the wine & well-thought-out moves took their toll & sent us both a-slumbering.


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At a monument to Rimbaud, Marseille seafront

Fastforward to 2020, on our first full day in France – Brexit day as it so happened – we enjoyed a daytime riviera stroll, followed by a wicked night out at bohemian La Plaine – a very funky part of Marseille. Drinking & dancing & downing tequilas, we met an English busker called Charlie, & his Slovakian girlfriend. The gods had answered our pleas, & he actually had 3 guitars. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t steal them – it’ll be too expensive to check them into our flights back,’ put him off from coming round for a jam, but he agreed to meet us the next day for a wee busk.

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It was more than a joy the following afternoon to find ourselves all jamming together by Marseille harbour to the infinite delight of the locals. Our immediate audience consisting of an annoying kid who kept banging the guitars, a Czech street lassie & a Parisenne rock-chick who finds Marseille a cheaper place to live. Before then, I’d taken a solo morning mission up to Allauch, a hilltop village right on the edge of the Marseille conurbation. It was at the old castle, even higher still, that I filmed the following Pendragon Poetry post, talking all about Conchordia.

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Allauch
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I was up in the hills as I’d read that a possible Gyptis object had been found in a hillside cave nearby. The curator of the slick local museum begged to differ, but I said I’m a poet & I didn’t want the truth to get in the way of a good story. Yes, a conchord was being born & on the way back to the appartment I googled a few Greek myths & found one, which I felt I could use – Alcyone and Ceyx. Basically, they offended the gods by calling themselves Hera & Zeus, & ended up being drowned & then turned into birds. A little creative furnace-burning later & I’d transmorped the myth into Euxene & Aristoxenus being turned into the the islands of Pomègues and Ratonneau which lie off the mouth of Marseille harbour. Like the Phaecean ship which carried Odysseus to Ithica being turned to stone.

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Alcyone & Ceyx
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Pomègues and Ratonneau

Compositionwise I only managed a few speeches from VIRIATHUS in Marseille – the second Senate scene – in the early morning before the boys woke up, mainly at a cafe by the harbour. I usually compose on my morning East Lothian walks with Daisy, accompanied otherwise only by nature and the essential headspace needed to really zone out. Not so easy in a busy city as ever. There was no way I was going to achieve my goal of finishing Viriathus on this trip & then starting ‘The Flight of the White Eagles, ‘ – my conchord about the retreat from Moscow – the notes for which I worked intensively on before I set off. Still, they are all in the bank & Viriathus should be finished within days. I’ll be recreating the antics & dashing chit-chat of Seargant Bourgogne soon enough!

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We left Marseille the next day, the sunshine heating up, arriving by train at the Durance valley & the station which serves La Brilliane & Oraison. The River Durance patches its way between them on a hugely wide stony river bed, with hills framing the scene on either side, & the snow-capped Alps closing the vista far to the north at Digne. Public transport round these parts is pretty neglible, & with it being Sunday afternoon no shops were open. Of that first of the two matters, we soon hit paydirt. After walking over the bridge to Oraison, beyond the frustratingly closed intermarche, we came to a carpark where I asked a lovely fella could he take us to Dabisse, & he agreed gladly.

IMG_20200202_180849.jpgDabisse is a wee village with a bar & a bus stop kinda thing. The bar was well busy, tho, its car park full of temporary pebbledash for a meeting of the region’s petanque teams. It was a really serendiptous, masonic, monastic moment listening to the clink-clinks & murmours of the play. Getting a carry-out together we went back to our villa & gorged on the food previous Air B&B-ers had left behind – a severe stroke of luck for a hungry bunch on a Sunday.


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Ah, the good old days! Roll on a nigh decade & I found myself composing Viriathus, drinking wine by the pool of a plush villa in Provence. We had a look at the pool, but soon covered it up again – early February means a bit of algae & no need for pool-use, I guess.

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The fridge was now full. We’d hitched a lift to Oraison in the morning off the lovely John Christmas (real name Jean-Noel), stocked up at the supermarket, then caught a taxi back to Dabisse for the day. And what a day, far from the Scottish chill and ended by a walk with Al for a sunset view over the Durance valley.

Some of those 21 degree sun-soaked, Senate-based Viriathus lines composed by the pool read like this ;

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Galba
Senators of our majestic city
& many other regions in its stride,
This treaty is, in the highest degree,
Dishonorable to all we stand for,
Staining Servilianus’ career,
Viriathus is a craved barbaric,
Beheading, disembowelling at will,
A bandit on an unsubsistive soil –
To him a border is a line to cross
To empty beaten innocents of blood
& topple pillars, pillaging obscene.

Lupius
Obscene? Objection! You paint him monster,
Humanity, his high ascendency,
Distributes unifying spiritus
That never in the passage of this war,
In armies of tribal variety,
Was ever spill’d sedition, all obey’d,
All fearless in the presence of danger –
As statesman he was neither humble-knee’d
Nor overbearing in leagues & treaties,
Faithful, exact, aequis, veritable,
Vir Duxque Magnus, ancient ideals
Penetrated atoms of existence,
& as the adsertur of Hispania
Let us assert our honour to his will
Make good his claims to the fame of the world,
Too many lost already in that place
We owe him our respect

Galba
We owe him death
The retributive slew for youth hard lost.

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So to yesterday – the ultimate object of this mission & a trip to La Grand Terre, the farmhouse of the Dominicis. It began in fine fashion with me & Spud arguing about how to get to Lurs – it was a case of his gammy leg versus my abundant energy & in the end the lads got a taxi & I walked the muddy Durance-side fields down to the bridge & back up the other side. I got to Lurs scrambling up its rocky slopes & arrived at its medieval core to see the lads waiting at the entrance. Once reunited we hit the old goat tracks down to the road, & using a little satnav orienteering came out at the very spot where the Drummonds were murdered. The poignant teddy bear shrine is testament to the locals’ indignation at the death of a child.

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Looking back from Lurs Terrace on the way I had walked – Dabisse is the village middle left & I walked by the Durance to the right of the photo
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Oraison is the town in the middle distance – I crossed the bridge there & walked to this point
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Approaching La Grand Terre

After La Grand Terre, I’d got it in my head that we could ford the Durance – Dabisse was more or less facing us on the other bank. The lads humoured me & watched me make tentative efforts on a scouting mission in the shallower bits – but the plan was soon aborted & we caught a taxi back. That night I ruminated in a Pendragon fashion on the Drummond murders & got a pretty plausible idea of what went on that night – which I’ll use in my composition.

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The next day we chilled in the sun til 2PM, caught a taxi to the station, then a train to Saint Antione, conducted a wee walk to our Air B&B off La Pennes Mirabeau, then caught the Rangers-Hibs game over beers. At 6AM we hired a lift off our landlord to the airport & we were finally in Edinburgh by 9.30 AM. On the flight I pretty much worked out the structure of the Dominic conchord – 4 acts with a cliffhanger ending each one – & began sketching it out on the inside cover of an Agatha Christie book I was reading on the holiday- A Pocketful of Rye. Just like Agatha I was going backwards from the ending, & there’s a chance I could have a wee Mousetrap on my hands if I get mi ‘ead down. With bangin’ tunes & Shakespearean blank verse, of course!

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Composing Conchordia: Vaulting The Lockdown (May 2020)

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After the completion of the Leithology quintology – which will soon be on sale on all platforms – & the composition of Viriathus & Malmaison, I felt THE FLIGHT OF THE WHITE EAGLES was going to be a real statement-maker. If I really do wanna emulate Shakespeare, I need definitive works with meaty bodies – a bit like Hamlet innit – & so turned to Napoleon’s infamous retreat from Moscow as the first of my major conchords. There’s a hell of a lot of drama obviously, & when it comes to stagecraft the visual deterioration of the soldiers will be a wonderful story to tell.

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With five acts of seven or so scenes each, all bubbling with blank verse & containing both original songs & songs drawn from the period itself, WHITE EAGLES definitely marks a placement of my muse on a Parnassian plateaux of sorts. No looking back now – ten down, 27 to go!

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LEITHOLOGY – Available in book form soon

I began researching WHITE EAGLES last year after reading the fabulous ‘Memoirs of Sergeant Bourgogne.’ From this first catalyst – I was very verteux at the time – I began to research other memoirs up in the National Library of Scotland, such as those of Caulaincourt, & set to work on the composition period not long after my return from Provence sometime in mid-February. Then the Lock Down happened. I don’t need to rattle on about it, everyone’s experiencing it. I’m lucky tho’ – I walk dogs with my girlfriend which meant I could to & fro between my places in Edinburgh & East Lothian for ‘work that cannot be done from home‘ – the dog numbers had drastically plumetted, but there was enough to make it valid & of course meant I could compose pretty much anyway I liked – from the Lammermuirs to Leith Links. Here’s a Walking East Lothian post I created during the Lock Down.

Musically, WHITE EAGLES has been something of an educational dream, help’d along by my house-mate’s keyboard playing. By February I had a couple of tunes, but then began to write more & add local colour so to speak, translating from the French lyric into the English. Of my new songs THE BALLAD OF BORODINO is really beautiful I think, & THE GREAT NAPOLEON really fun – the Herod moment – my house mate incorporating the Tetrislike theme tune into via some techno rave from the 90s via Hicksy & Sharky. He also fell in love with Plaisir D’Amour & Compere Guillere.

The full list of songs is below, with astersks denoting my own compositions)

The Sable Raven – English version
Marlbrough is Going To war – English version
Plasir D’amour
Parisienne Skies (*)
On Va Leur Percer Le Franc
The Blood of Borodino (*)
Pomme de Terres (*)
Compere Guillere – French Version
Song of the Loricated Legion (*)
My Handsome Husband (*)
Soarin’ Home (*)
Chant du Depart
Crossing the Bridge (*)
The Great Napoleon (*)
Compere Guillere – English version (*)
Au Clair de la Lune
Le Depart Du Bologne
The March from Moscow (*)

Theatrically, there are a lot of parts – three main bodies of 8-10 characters; Napoleon & his entourage, Bourgogne’s company & the Russian partisans. There’s also another 20 or so walk-in parts, plus the crossing of the Berezhina bridge to depict – but whenever WHITE EAGLES does get performed everyone’s gonna JUST love it!

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Artistically, WHITE EAGLES is the bag daddy to Malmaison, but together they form a very good account of Napoleon’s life. Like I said at the start, it also represents the foot-scrambling heave onto the plateaux from where the rest of my conchords will be composed.

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The first of this new bunch is GODS OF THE RING & I’m extremely excited about it. The principle subject is the four fights between Ali, Foreman & Frazier, & all the dramas before, during, after & between the fights. The names of these epic combats have gone down in history – THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY, THE SUNSHINE SHOWDOWN, THE RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE & THE THRILLA IN MANILLA. Like White Eagles I’ve already got two tunes in the bank, a theme tune & the sublime, best song I’ve written in ages, BLACK POWER. I’ve been compiling the notes in the past few days, the bulk of which were studied for in the National Library just before the Lockdown.  I’m gonna print out the first notes today & get composing soon after.

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With White Eagles taking just over three months, & June the 1st on the horizon, I’ve got a feeling that every new conchord is gonna take a season – so Gods of the Ring is the conchord of the summer of 2020 – the weird summer, the one where the theatres were closed. For me, I think I’ll be spending some of it hopefully in Greece, where the next of these windows into my workings will be composed.


Songs From ALIBI

TURNAROUND

ULTRA  GROOVY HIGH

MUMBO JUMBO

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

BLONDE GIRLS

BIRDLAND

LOVE YA BABY

FAITH LOVE & UNDERSTANDING

LILY’S SONG

ALWAYS & FOREVER


TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny,
Let me tell you man I swear
If I had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years
For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then oh maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin’ for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin’
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho’ the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround


ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’
Down the road, I hear my callin’
In the music that I’m singin’ man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin’ now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin’ thro’…

There’s a rollercoaster risin’ man
Above the blue horizon &
You’ll never put a price upon
The way I’m feelin now
You’d never know

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly


MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground….


FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuck’d up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin’ around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,

Bouncer
Ya goin’ down…

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana


BLONDE GIRLS

Nelson
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Cos it makes me go weak at the knees
Your posterior is shakin’ up my area
I’m beggin yer darlin’ let me touch it please

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
That’s the best ass I’ve ever seen
& your posterior is shakin’ up my area
I’m beggin’ yer darlin’ let me kiss your booty clean

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Because brunettes are better in the winter
God damn it everythin’ gonna get in the spring
& in autumn those auburns are better
But in summertime those blonde girls
Well they’re my thing

Blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise


BIRDLAND

Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man
& I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers
But they never stick around long enough to say
Lets take a trip underneath your covers
Cos I feel like your lover today

I’m looking for my equal
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me…

& I feel like a dusky jewel,
my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you
& I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate
There’s so many love songs I have to write
Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet
Cos I feel like a lady tonight

I’m looking for my hero
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me shine…
Sh-sh-sh-shine
Come on & come on & shine
Shine on my baby, come on & shine


LOVE YA BABY

Nelson
I got the notion to show some emotion
We could be lovers if you only knew
All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout
High over skyscrapers that I love you
I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well shame on you,
Cos you’re just full of it
what a crock of shit
All you want’s a bit of what I got
feelings that I feel
Thought they could be real
But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot

Nelson
But I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby & I know my love is true
Cos ever since I met ya girl
You just gone & blown my world
So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do

Lily
How can you love me
You hardly know my name

Nelson
I love ya baby

Lily
But I do not feel the same

Nelson
Look lady I’m not full of shit
You just can’t handle it
Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life
Baby cant ya see
We were meant to be
It is your destiny to be my wife

I love ya baby…. yes I do
I love ya baby,
Look what the hell you put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well I DONT LOVE YOU
You are a liar, you are dishonest
You drive me crazy with all your promises
First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’
Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’
You say ya love me
You hardly even know my name
How can ya love me when I do not feel the same
You are a user & now you know the score
You are a loser, sonny there’s the door


MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Nelson
Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it
When ya need it, ya aint got it
When ya want it, ya can’t have it
& nobody gives a damn
About all those people
Who are so obsess’d with greed
I think if I stole their credit cards
Their very souls would bleed
But above all else, the strangest thing
I find to be real funny
Is that love is real & real is real
But there’s no such thing as money
Money, money, money…

TC
Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it

Nelson
Dunno

TC
Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths…

Nelson
I went down to the jewellers
With a house-brick in my hand,
I chuck’d it thru the windah
& I snook myself a grand,
I heard sirens to the left
& I heard violence to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight
Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree
Than a flunky of a fuckt up society

Nelson & TC
{Nelson gives TC jewels}
Money, money, money

TC
Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool

Nelson
Is a copper bent!

TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is there

TC
We went to play the tables
On the shady side of town,
I met the cool pool gen’ral,
All the hustlers gather’d round,
I potted trick-shots to the left,
I potted fluke-shots to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pool hall tonight…
Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea
Than a captain of the rock aristocracy

Nelson, TC, Chorus
Money, money, money…

Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrested

Coppers
Well hello sunshine, how do you do
You got the face that fits the crime
& son we’re after you
You might be pretty, you might be a cat
But in my city be a diplomat
Cos this country is a queen bee
& we workers make her honey
So do the time & pay the fine
& hand over all your money

All
Money, money, money…

Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police station

Nelson
So they dragg’d me to the station
Where I knew I couldn’t fail,
“Take those fuckin cuffs off me
& let me out on bail!”
I had tit-head to mi left
& I had nipple-head to mi right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pig-house tonight
Cos I’d rather be somebody like me
Than a flunky of this fuckt up society

Copper 2 leads the general to the cells

Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter
Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker
Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher,
Healer, dealer, spiritual believer,

Shunter, hunter your average punter
Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper?
Ticket inspector, comic collector,
A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler

A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine
A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker
A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker,
A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster
Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler
Alas, o woe is me…

Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money


ALIBI

Nelson
I never did it,
They got the wrong guy
& I’m tellin’ ya girl
We’re too young to die
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
You were with me yesterday
Be my Alibi

I didn’t do it
Why would I lie
I am an honest man
Just look into my eyes when you can
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
We were loving the night away
Be my Alibi
Now I’m down on my knees as I pray
Please don’t throw our love away
Be my Alibi x 4


FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING

Brenda
It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time,
Right time to show how yer feelin’,
You want to share your life
But life can be so demanding,
This is the day, now what a day, come alive,
Lay down & bear up your soul,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding

Nah, Nah, Nah…

Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again

Nah, Nah, Nah…

Brenda
{singing to General}
It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time,
Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies,
Future seems far away
But future is always pendin’,
This is the night, now what a night,
Come around,
Wake up & answer her call,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding

Some people love to lead their life
Some people like to wait
But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate

& I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new
Gonna act upon the chemistry
And see this love thing thru – Nah, Nah, Nah…

Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again

Nah, Nah, Nah…


LILY’S SONG

I don’t feel myself today
Or the things I used to say
Maybe I just shed my skin
Found the new lily within

But he’s gnawin’ at my mind
& he’s clawing at my conscience
I’m hopin’ I can find
Or come up with the answers,
Those answers…

My Lord, if I’d only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought how much you meant to me
Til I spent a night all on my own
All of the time I was thinking about you
I knew my love for you had grown
& I’m thankin’ my lucky stars
That I’m not the girl I used to be
I’m gonna go burn my bras
& take a little trip to Sicily
But that won’t be the same
If you’re not there beside me
Tho’ I hardly know ya name
I know you are the one for me,
You are the one for me…

My Lord, if id only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought i could go changin’
Til I spent a night on my own
& when I woke up I was a stranger
Cos the bird I used to be had flown
Why, cos I’m so high
Now I’m coming up for sure
For as the love for you’s my disease
So my love for you’s the cure

I had a plan
Not to love any man
Cos I got my pride
But now I’ll do what I can
To make him understand
& keep him by my side
I’m so high…


ALWAYS & FOREVER

Nelson
I’m gonna build a chain gang
Gonna lay the tracks
Gonna lay a line to your heart
Til ya want me back
I’m not gonna build a station
It’s a one way train
When I get to my destination
Will ya want me back again
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos true love lasts forever
O yes it does
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos you always do,
& remember my darlin I feel
Feel, the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

I’m gonna build a new line
On the old rail road
Windin’ thro the valleys
With an empty load
When I get to my destination
Your hearts my only stop
Gonna meet you at the station
At the back of the coffee shop
When I meet you at the coffee shop
I’ll ask you to be mine
Forever & for always
O yes I will

I’ll meet you at the coffee shop
& take your tender hand
& tell you I love you
& you’ll look in my eyes & you’ll feel
Feel the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Lily
O how I cried, I cried so much
The way I cried for you
& I nearly died, when your loving touch
From my life withdrew
Well, always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Nelson
Well, always & forever sugar
I’m gonna be your boy

Enter Brenda full of mud with a spade being chased by police

Brenda
Yo, Nelson

Nelson
Yo, Brenda, when did you get out

Brenda
About two minutes ago – o shit!

Enter Coppers chasing Brenda – enter General covered in mud

Lily & Nelson
Hey General

General
Hi people, what’s happenin,

Lily
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

Enter Bouncer / Coppers catch Brenda but are filled with ‘the love’

All
Have you ever felt the love
Dont tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

All
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

ALIBI: Scenes 1-3

SCENE 1 – Peebles Town Centre

 Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie

Brenda
Alright big man, help the homeless

Gadgie I
I’m skint mate

Brenda
No worries, have a good night

Gadgie I
How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a job yer fuckin’ hobo

Exit Gadgie I, enter Nelson

Brenda
Nelson!!

Nelson
Alright Brenda, how’s tricks?

Brenda
Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya

Nelson
Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a proper pain-in-the ass

Brenda
I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss

Nelson
Lucky you

Brenda
Spare any change?

Nelson
What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack

Brenda
Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted mi ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight

Nelson
{giving change}
Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week

Brenda
You’re a star pal
{Nelson starts drawing out his money}
Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin’ to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember – wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes

Nelson
Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time

Brenda
I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night?

Nelson
You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles

Brenda
{standing up}
Look, mate, since I got mi head together I’ve been thinking a lot about life & I’ve got a wee bit of advice for ya

***

TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny,
Let me tell you man I swear
If I had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years
For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then oh maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin’ for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin’
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho’ the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround

***

Nelson
Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?

Brenda
The Big City kid, it’ll make a man o’ yer

Nelson
The Big City – what, Glasgow?

Brenda
Fuckoff – not Weegieland, that dump’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh

Nelson
Edinburgh! Well, I’ve always thought I’d check it one day

Brenda
Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin’ about visitin’ the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max

Nelson
You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it

Brenda
Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, brother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you jump on it

Nelson
Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit

Brenda
Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man

Nelson
Y’know, I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah

Brenda
Not to this bank though, I get all mi mail sent to the Barclays up the road

Nelson
Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister

Exit Nelson / Brenda carries on busking



SCENE 2 – Edinburgh

A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus

Nelson
Wow this is mental – look at the buildings – the hi-tech trams – the castle – the women!

TC
Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from?

Nelson
Some place ya never heard of

TC
Just arrived have ya

Nelson
Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus

TC
Cool, they call me TC

Nelson
Nelson

TC
Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin’ ravin, you like to party

Nelson
Sometimes

TC
Well my mate’s just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam

Nelson
What, ecstasy

TC
Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass

Nelson
Uuuugh

TC
Dont worry, he used protection – now then, dya wanna try one or not

Nelson
Go on then

TC
Here you go pal – tell me what ya think

TC passes Nelson a pill

Nelson
Uuugh – that tastes rank

TC
That’s the MDMA that is, the bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right

Nelson
I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin’ hell

TC
Are you alright kid

Nelson
I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – mi doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something

***

ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’
Down the road, I hear my callin’
In the music that I’m singin’ man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin’ now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

TC
Wooah kid… are you alright

Nelson
No, mate, I’m really suffering

TC
Shit, sorry

Nelson
Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter

TC
Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?

Nelson
Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here

TC
Wicked, I might try one myself

Nelson
What, have you never tried these before

TC
Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half

Nelson
Ya cheeky bastard

TC
Cheeky’s my middle name kid

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin’ thro’…

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly

***

TC
You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv – I’m fuckin’ flyin here

Nelson
Told ya

TC
You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle
{they cuddle}
Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo Club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie

Nelson
Do bears shit in the woods

TC
Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapp’d for being a nobhead – but before we kick off the good times we’re going shopping for sure – there’s a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad

Nelson
What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune

TC
Well they saw you comin’… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut

Exit TC & Nelson



SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club

 

Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General

***

MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter The Cool Pool General carrying a tray of tequilas

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter TC & Nelson

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

 

TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon?

Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown

TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie

Nelson
Only on the telly

TC
Trust me, mate, most of ’em are… available…
know what I mean?

General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’ve ya bin

TC
Got stuck in a lift mate

General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you

TC
Why what’s up?

General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s been proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?

TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy

General
Nah, I don’t touch the devil’s dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s looking for ecstasy

TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya

General
Nah worries, nuff respect

TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, best hustler in Scotland

Nelson
Nice to meet ya

General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?

TC
We’ll see what the night brings, eh?

General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in

General goes off dancing

TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
{gets out phone}
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin’ a hundred o’ those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
{hangs up phone}
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a wee mission, look after mi stash will ya

TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh that’s been down your pants

TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grams of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do, be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters you’ve gotta worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters

Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around

***

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuck’d up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin’ around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,

Bouncer
Ya goin’ down…

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off 

(AL): Scenes 4-6


SCENE 4 – In the street outside club

Nelson is thrown out of the club

Nelson
Let us back in mate

Bouncer
Look, fuck off

Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man

Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now

Nelson
What’s that?

Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again

Nelson
Woah – woah – woah – what ya doin’- do you know who I am?

Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off

Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in

Bouncer
House regulations lad – there’s a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you might get away with it there, but not in here, now clear off

Nelson
But…

Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away

Bouncer
…& don’t come back

***

BLONDE GIRLS

Lily
Nice song… what’s your name

Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth

Lily
A prince eh

Nelson
Yep that’s me

Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily

Nelson
Honoured

Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines

Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin’, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome

Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry

Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me

Lily
You have? You don’t have any coke as well, by any chance

Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin! Of course I do, got loads of the stuff

Lily
Fancy havin’ a… session… at mine

Nelson
You got any booze

Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck

Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin’ baby – TAXI!!

Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives

General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel

Bouncer
Aye

General
Which way did she go?

Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here

General
Gutted… say… you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?

Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN

General
No probs

Exit bouncer / enter two Gadgie II

General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in

Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list

General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back

Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list

General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait

Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this

General
Ooo! In you go


Charlie & TC waiting outside a toilet – groans from within

TC
These pills are magic mate

Charlie
Glad to hear it – I’ll have the rest for you in a minute – HURRY UP BULLDOG

Bulldog
I’m trying boss – they just don’t seem to be shifting

Charlie
Drink some more of that plum juice

Bulldog
I’ve already necked five bottles boss… wait a second, ah here we go, here we go, they’re on their way , they’re …
{SPLASH}

Charlie
Nice one Bulldog

Bulldog
{coming out of the loo with bag of pills}
Here ya go Charlie

Charlie
Wash ’em first, for fucks sake

Bulldog
O yeah

Charlie
so, do you have the mullah, sunshine

TC
Ah Charlie – not on me, but I’ll have it soon as mate, the whole of the Bongo’s gagging for ’em 

Charlie
Very well – you’ve never done me over – so far – so we shall proceed with the transaction – Bulldog, give him a hundred pills!

Bulldog
{passing over a bag of pills}
TC

TC
Nice one boys

The trio move to the pool table where Bulldog occasionally scratches his testicles

Charlie
Say, TC, I’m sending Bulldog back to the Dam tomorrow night to pick up some fresh sweeties – if these are half as good as what you say they are, we’re set to make a fortune

TC
Yeah, put my name down for a thousand, easy

Charlie
Will do, so… what you up to tonight

TC
I met this guy dinni, bit of a bell-end, but he’s sound as fuck really, he’s waiting for me now down Mumbo Jumbo —– hang on a minute – fuck, fer fuck’s sake

Charlie
How did that happen?

TC
Well off my head, pal, it’s these Dutch eccies innit, I was so loved up I just handed him my stash

Charlie
You daft twat, that’s the last you’ll see of him mate

TC
Nah, he was a good geezer, I can see that much, he wouldn’t do anything like that, I’m sure of it

Charlie
Maybe maybe, either way, the General’s in town tonight – I’m sorting him out a bit of ching & later on we’re gonna do a spot of ‘gambling’ down Diane’s – you interested?

TC
Could be – I’ve already seen him tonight, he’s chasin’ tail down Mumbo Jumbo – he wants some of these eccies n’all

Charlie
Maybe it’s time you went & paid him a visit, then, & start shifting some of these cheeky suckers

TC
Of course – I’ll meet you down the hall with your money when the club’s shut

Bulldog
See ya later TC

TC
{exiting}
Bulldog

Charlie
What  a wanker – now rack ’em up

Charlie
Bulldog, did you pick up something extra in the Dam – you’ve been scratching your scrotum all fucking day

Bulldog
I know – I’ve got right peppery sacks boss- I might have done a spot of window shopping, if you know what I mean

Charlie
I do know what you mean you fucking slag! I can’t believe you Bulldog, ya savvy enough to put a condom on those bags of pills ya rammed up yer arse, but when it comes down to get dirty with a hooker…

Bulldog
Sorry boss, I forgot, it was the magic mushroom boss – they sell them in the windows

Charlie
Forgot! Fuck sake – Next time yer find yerself cavorting in the Dam, remember the sacred words of Saint Jeremy Kyle

Charlie & Bulldog
PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT


SCENE 6 – The Lilypad

Lily & Nelson have been having a session – empty bottles of bubbly & bags of weed on the table – sexy music on in the background

Nelson
{fingering a large sausage shape in mid-air}
So, she put it in her mouth & said that’s the biggest sausage I’ve ever seen…. I’m like, ‘honey, its only a bratwurst you can get them from Lidl these days

Lily
You’re funny…

Nelson
& you’re gorgeous

Lily
Thanks… you’re not so bad yourself…. is there any coke left by the way

Nelson
Well, there’s not much now – we’ve caned most of it… might as well cook up a couple of big, fat lines… finish it off

Lily
Damn straight…

Nelson
{starts racking up the lines}
So, are you single?

Lily
Kind of

Nelson
What do you mean?

Lily
I guess I’m just coming out of an open relationship

Nelson
What does that mean?

Lily
Well, my boyfriend, well ex now, he goes to me ‘lets have an open relationship’

Nelson
Yeah, &?

Nelson
Well it looks good on you

Lily
Does it, oh thanks

Nelson
{offering coke}
That guy sounds like a proper tosser

Lily
{snorting coke}
He was – they always are – I seem to attract delinquent neanderthals – you’re not like that are ya?

Nelson
Course not love – I’m the sophisticated type

Nelson snorts coke like  a bull

Lily
I mean, me & boys, it’s just a case of trying to fit square pegs into round holes – it just doesn’t work

Nelson
I’ve got a round peg just waitin’ to fit into your hole sweetheart

Lily
Really! So go on then, tell me about yourself

Nelson
Who, me

Lily
Yeah, what do you do for a living

Nelson
O mi – job, eh, well, I’m, ehm, I’m a sex therapist

Lily
Never

Nelson
I’ll give you a free service if you like

Nelson
Sometimes

Lily
{standing}
But… have you ever been with a real woman?

Nelson
Of course I have

Lily
No, you know, a woman, a woman with needs

Nelson
I know what you need

Nelson kisses the back of Lily’s neck

Lily
Now that was dangerous

BIRDLAND

Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man
& I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers
But they never stick around long enough to say
Lets take a trip underneath your covers
Cos I feel like your lover today

I’m looking for my equal
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me…

& I feel like a dusky jewel,
my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you
& I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate
There’s so many love songs I have to write
Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet
Cos I feel like a lady tonight

I’m looking for my hero
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me shine…
Sh-sh-sh-shine
Come on & come on & shine
Shine on my baby, come on & shine

Nelson & Lily kiss

Nelson
I know this might sound a bit mad, & I know it’s a bit early &, I might have necked a shed load of pills, but, I positively, definitely think, that I — I – Lo…

Door buzzer goes off 

Lily
Who the fucks that!?

Nelson
Don’t answer it

Lily
It might be Felicity, it’s all over Facebook- she’s having a ‘crisis’ – I’ll just go & see…
{on the intercom}
Hello who is it

TC
{Intercom}
Alright Lily darlin, let us in, I know you’ve got Nelson up there, I need to see him pronto

Lily
Oh, TC… do you know what time it is?

TC
Yeah, time for to a big fat line of Charlie! Let us in will ya

Lily
Well, if you put it like that…
{buzzes door}

Nelson
Who was that…

Lily
TC… a mate of mine… do you know him

Nelson
Well, sort of… is he coming up?

Lily
Yeah… he said he’s got some coke as well… we’ve just finish’d yours off, so … perfect timing!

Enter TC

TC
Hey-hey-hey… what’s going on here, Celebrity Love Island… the bouncer down the Bongo said you two jumped in a taxi together

Lily
Hi man, I’m just getting to know your friend – he’s a-dorable

TC
He will be if he chops the lines out… welcome to the Lilypad, Nelson, there’s been many a rave in ‘ere, now where’s that coke…

Nelson
What coke

TC
The coke, Nelson, which I told you to keep hold of for me

Nelson
Oh, that coke

TC
Yes, Nelson, the four grams of coke which I asked you to look after while I went on a mission to get everybody high, I’m a nice guy like that

Nelson
Ehm… well, you see, its, its

Lily
Its kinda gone TC

TC
Whaddayamean, kindagone

Lily
I thought that was your stuff Nelson…
You bullshitting bastard

TC
Wooah! – wooah! – wooah! – wooah! wooah! you can save the domestics ’til ya man & wife… but I’m now down a few grams of charlie – I haven’t even paid for it yet – the guys expecting the cash in the morning & there’s no way I’m shelling out for your little love-in

Nelson
I’m so sorry mate, I lost mi ‘ed, them Dutch pills are well strong

TC
Don’t blame the fuckin’ drugs, they didn’t hold a pistol to your head saying, ‘snort all TC’s coke,’ did they – now stop fucking about & give me some money for that coke

Nelson
Sorry mate, spent up

Lily
So you’re skint as well as Pinocshio… are you even from Edinburgh?

Nelson
Eh?

Lily
Where exactly are you from?

Nelson
Peebles

Lily
Peebles, Peebles, I can’t believe I was falling for someone from Peebles.

Nelson
You were?

Lily
I might have been… but you’ve blown it now… I think you should leave…

Nelson
But baby…

Lily
I’m not yer baby, never have been, never will be, now if you’d both be so kind as to fuck off – I’ve got better things to do than put up with you two monkeys

LOVE YA BABY

Nelson
I got the notion to show some emotion
We could be lovers if you only knew
All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout
High over skyscrapers that I love you
I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well shame on you,
Cos you’re just full of it
what a crock of shit
All you want’s a bit of what I got
feelings that I feel
Thought they could be real
But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot

Nelson
But I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby & I know my love is true
Cos ever since I met ya girl
You just gone & blown my world
So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do

Lily
How can you love me
You hardly know my name

Nelson
I love ya baby

Lily
But I do not feel the same

Nelson
Look lady I’m not full of shit
You just can’t handle it
Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life
Baby cant ya see
We were meant to be
It is your destiny to be my wife

I love ya baby…. yes I do
I love ya baby,
Look what the hell you put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well I DONT LOVE YOU
You are a liar, you are dishonest
You drive me crazy with all your promises
First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’
Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’
You say ya love me
You hardly even know my name
How can ya love me when I do not feel the same
You are a user & now you know the score
You are a loser, sonny there’s the door

Nelson
But, but, we shared a kiss

Nelson
Can I make a quick call on your phone before I go – I’ve got no credit

Lily
Fer fucks sake – alright, but make it quick

TC
You’ve smoked all my weed n’all!

Lily
Yes TC darlin’, of course we’ve smoked all your weed – I didn’t know it was yours, did I, I thought it was his

TC
You fuckin’ vultures

Nelson dials his number – his own phone starts ringing

Lily
What ya doin’?

Nelson
Just gettin’ yer number baby

Lily
What! Get out! Both of you get out! Now! Out!

Nelson
Any chance of a snog before I go

Lily
OUT!

TC
What about me Lily

Lily
Look, TC, you only want to get into my knickers so you can wear em, & I don’t do carpet munchers, now get out

TC
But

Lily
I mean it, get out of my fucking house NOW!!!

TC
Cheeky bitch Alright keep your hair on…

Nelson
Your loss sister

Exit Nelson & TC in a huff grabbing the champagne en route 

(AL): Scenes 7-9

SCENE 7: Leith

It is 3AM / TC & Nelson are wandering the empty streets TC Right then you muggy little cunt, have you figured out how are you gonna pay me back yet? Nelson Whaddayamean TC You know, kid, the dosh, the cash, the mulah, the readies, the dollars, whatever you call it in Peebles… show me the fuckin’ money Nelson Money, don’t exist mate – it was made up by the governments to control the workers TC Do you live in doolalleyland or summat – money must exist cos you’ve just spent mine – you really do need to sort out what is turning out to be an extremely dangerous financial fuck-up, pronto Nelson Well, we could do a bit of busking, can you play guitar TC Course I can play guitar, do I look like a complete facking numpty Nelson Well, can you get one TC You can always get a guitar on the Cowgate – hang on a minute Exit TC for a few moments while he ‘acquires’ a guitar TC Here we go, so what shall we play Nelson How about some nineties music TC What like Happy Mondays, Stone Roses or summat Nelson Nah, more uptempo, like 2Unlimited TC Ah – got ya, you can be the hat boy Nelson What’s that? TC Just go round with ya hat innit TC & Nelson play No Limits – Nelson goes round the audience with his hat attemptig to whip up some money TC So how did we do Nelson {looking in hat} Fuckin’ shite pal TC Lets try another one – Pump Up The Jam – it’s a banger TC & Nelson play Pump Up The Jam TC Any better Nelson I’m afraid not TC Fucks sake, we’ll never make any money at this rate Nelson Mate, there’s more to life than cash, y’know TC Like what Buddhism, Gouranga, enlighten me! MONEY, MONEY, MONEY Nelson Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it When ya need it, ya aint got it When ya want it, ya can’t have it & nobody gives a damn About all those people Who are so obsess’d with greed I think if I stole their credit cards Their very souls would bleed But above all else, the strangest thing I find to be real funny Is that love is real & real is real But there’s no such thing as money Money, money, money… TC Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it Nelson Dunno TC Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths… Nelson I went down to the jewellers With a house-brick in my hand, I chuck’d it thru the windah & I snook myself a grand, I heard sirens to the left & I heard violence to the right, I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree Than a flunky of a fuckt up society Nelson & TC {Nelson gives TC jewels} Money, money, money TC Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool Nelson Is a copper bent! TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is there TC We went to play the tables On the shady side of town, I met the cool pool gen’ral, All the hustlers gather’d round, I potted trick-shots to the left, I potted fluke-shots to the right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pool hall tonight… Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea Than a captain of the rock aristocracy Nelson, TC, Chorus Money, money, money… Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrested Coppers Well hello sunshine, how do you do You got the face that fits the crime & son we’re after you You might be pretty, you might be a cat But in my city be a diplomat Cos this country is a queen bee & we workers make her honey So do the time & pay the fine & hand over all your money All Money, money, money… Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police station Nelson So they dragg’d me to the station Where I knew I couldn’t fail, “Take those fuckin cuffs off me & let me out on bail!” I had tit-head to mi left & I had nipple-head to mi right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pig-house tonight Cos I’d rather be somebody like me Than a flunky of this fuckt up society {Copper 2 leads the general to the cells} Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher, Healer, dealer, spiritual believer, Shunter, hunter your average punter Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper? Ticket inspector, comic collector, A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker, A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler Alas, o woe is me… Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money All Money, money, money….

SCENE 8 – Leith Police Station

Copper 1 is checking Nelson into custody Nelson {fidgety} Yo copper… what the hell have you arrested me for?! Copper 1 There was a burglary at a jewellers last night – cctv cameras picked up images of a couple of men, one of which strongly resembles yourself Nelson It has to be a stitch up… I’ve only just rolled into town Copper 1 Looks like you’ll be rolling straight into prison son Copper 2 returns Copper 2 That’s your mate cosied up for the night, now it’s your turn – just how high are you? Nelson Hi, how are you Copper 2 No, I said HOW HIGH ARE YOU – you’re clearly under the influence of narcotics – you can’t keep still Nelson I’m nervous… Copper 1 I think we’ll need to give you a drugs test laddie, just put this wee swab under your tongue Nelson Bloody hell… what is this shit Copper 2 This shit, as you so rudely put it, is procedure… just give us the swab TC gives Copper 2 the swab, who puts it in machine / a few seconds pass / machine starts to flash & whirr Copper 2 Bloody hell! You’ve broke it, what exactly have you taken tonight TC Just a couple of rennies, that’s all Copper 1 You’ll kill yourself if you carry on at this rate, mate TC Yeah – whatever – I’m allowed a phone call right Copper 2 Of course, that is the law Nelson Give us one then Copper 1 I’m afraid we will have to dial the number – do you have it Nelson Sure – it’s on my phone, it’s the last one diall’d Copper 1 dials the number / at the Lilypad, Lily answers Lily Who the fuck’s that… do you know what time it is Copper 1 Sorry about that madam… I’m calling from Leith Police station… I have a young man called Nelson here, he says he is a friend of yours… {Lily hangs up} I’m afraid she has hung up Nelson Nah, surely not… she must have been cut off – try again Copper 1 repeats the call – gets to answer machine Copper 1 It’s the answering machine – you can leave her a message Nelson Cool, hold the handset up for us please ALIBI Nelson I never did it, They got the wrong guy & I’m tellin’ ya girl We’re too young to die & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say You were with me yesterday Be my Alibi I didn’t do it Why would I lie I am an honest man Just look into my eyes when you can & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say We were loving the night away Be my Alibi Now I’m down on my knees as I pray Please don’t throw our love away Be my Alibi x 4 Copper 2 Right, times up lad, off to the cells with ya, Nelson I don’t believe this… why the fuck did I ever listen to mad bitch Brenda Copper 2 Come on lad, this way Exit copper 2 & Nelson

SCENE 9 – Police cell

There are two  prisoners, one asleep under a blanket, one is the General – Copper 1 escorts Nelson into his cell Copper 1 In you get – now behave yourself General Alright mate Nelson Alright General What’s ya name again, kid Nelson Nelson General O yeah, that’s right, you’re a mate of TC’s – fucking wanker – he puts his hat on my head, scarpers, then all of a sudden I’m arrested Nelson Unlucky General & those dodgy coppers nicked all mi drugs n’all… so what you in for kid? Nelson They think I smashed up some jewellers General Did ya? Nelson That particular fact is not important, but my night is ruined now… who the hell do they think they are, taking away my liberty like that General Eh, kid, your being here & my being here, they’re not… connected… are they? Cos if they are… Nelson How do I know, pal… mi heads in bits & I need a fuckin spliff – I’m not even from this shithole of a city – everyone’s either posh as fuck or off their faces on drugs… I wish I’d never even come to Edinburgh in the first place – I’d be home right now, safely tucked up in bed Brenda At least you’ve got a bed Nelson Woah, Brenda, what the fuck are you doin’ here Brenda Listened to my own advice, thought I’d check out the big city, Nelson What did ya get arrested for? General Personal hygiene Brenda I got arrested for beating up the last little fanny ba’s who commented on my personal hygiene – alright – anyway, its been a while since I was in town & I forgot there were some outstanding sherrif’s court bullshit floating around from the last time Nelson Gutted Brenda Nae worries… don’t mind really, the squat down the Old Town I used to doss in has been knocked down & turned into student flats – at least I’ve got a roof over me head for the night…. Nelson Lucky you Enter Copper 1 Copper 1 I thought you miscreants might want a cup of tea Nelson Fuck off fuzz Copper 1 I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that – here you are, there’s a drink each General {trying tea} Uuugh… what the fucks that supposed to be Copper 1 Tea Nelson That’s not tea, that’s rat piss Copper 1 Whatever it is, that’s all you are getting – this isn’t the Scotsman hotel – if you want a decent cup of tea STAY OUT OF TROUBLE Exit copper General Listen pal, ya just havin’ a yang son – for every yang there’s a yin just waiting on the horizon – don’t worry yourself about the boys in blue, it’ll soon blow over, unless you’ve murdered someone or summat Nelson Nah… it’s just… I’ve only just gone & met the love of my life, haven’t I – & now I’m banged-up in this bloody place Brenda The love of your life… what’s she called Nelson Ehhm, shes call’d, eehm, well I can’t actually remember, but she’s drop-dead gorgeous & sound as a pound – I think I’m in love Brenda Love! You don’t even know her name General That’s the drugs talkin’ that is…. ecstasy specs are a lot more powerful than beer-goggles – you can go to bed with a ten out of ten & wake up with a two Nelson I know that – I’ve never gone to bed with a minger, but I’ve woken up with a few… but this time, it was the real thing, the real deal – it was love, I could feel it Brenda That was just yer hard-on, Nelson, you men are all the same, all you do is think with yer nobs, & that’s why yer fuckin nobs Nelson Nah Nah Nah– I love her,  & she loves me too, I know she does – but I’ve just gone & used my one phone call to talk to her & she just hung up on me – blown me out – I can’t believe it, I was sure she felt the same Brenda She might have done mate, but girls are complex creatures – do you not know that, have you not had a girlfriend before… Nelson Yeah, loads Brenda How long did the longest last Nelson About three weeks Brenda Exactly, mate, you’re flippin’ useless – Nelson I’m just keeping my options open General Don’t blame ya – being with a woman is like being in a minefield – one false step & ‘Kerboom’ Brenda Boys, boys, boys – to truly understand a woman you’ve got to think like a woman – you gotta give her time, be sensitive to her feelings – she might come round in the end – & when she does, there are three things you must always show her Nelson What are they then? Brenda Faith, love & understanding FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING Brenda It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time, Right time to show how yer feelin’, You want to share your life But life can be so demanding, This is the day, now what a day, come alive, Lay down & bear up your soul, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Brenda {singing to General} It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time, Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies, Future seems far away But future is always pendin’, This is the night, now what a night, Come around, Wake up & answer her call, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Some people love to lead their life Some people like to wait But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate & I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new Gonna act upon the chemistry And see this love thing thro Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Copper 1 {banging on door} Shut that bloody racket – its lights out now General Nobheads Nelson Cheers for the advice lady… but I don’t know if I’ll be takin it… last time I listened to you look where I ended up! Brenda Fair enough mate… sleep on it tho’, eh? Nelson Will do pal General You <points to Brenda> don’t come anywhere near me, ya dig? Brenda What you on about… I can tell you want me General Yes I do want you – I want you to leave me a-fucking-lone Brenda But, sugartits, I know how to, y’know, please a man General Well please leave me a-fucking-lone – goodnight Nelson Get a room you two

(AL): Scene 10-12


Lily wakes up / starts to clean up / gets emotional about last night / finds something of Nelson – sniffs it /goes to the spot where they kissed & re-enacts it – puts on answer machine message again / she freezes in her tracks.

LILY’S SONG

I don’t feel myself today
Or the things I used to say
Maybe I just shed my skin
Found the new lily within

But he’s gnawin’ at my mind
& he’s clawing at my conscience
I’m hopin’ I can find
Or come up with the answers,
Those answers…

My Lord, if I’d only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought how much you meant to me
Til I spent a night all on my own
All of the time I was thinking about you
I knew my love for you had grown
& I’m thankin’ my lucky stars
That I’m not the girl I used to be
I’m gonna go burn my bras
& take a little trip to Sicily
But that won’t be the same
If you’re not there beside me
Tho’ I hardly know ya name
I know you are the one for me,
You are the one for me…

My Lord, if id only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought i could go changin’
Til I spent a night on my own
& when I woke up I was a stranger
Cos the bird I used to be had flown
Why, cos I’m so high
Now I’m coming up for sure
For as the love for you’s my disease
So my love for you’s the cure

I had a plan
Not to love any man
Cos I got my pride
But now I’ll do what I can
To make him understand
& keep him by my side
I’m so high…

Copper 2 doing paperwork – Copper 1 returns

Copper 1
O man, what a night, I’m knackered

Copper 2
I know, tell me about it – what a shower of reprobates, but every cloud’s got a silver lining – or in this case a snowy lining – we must a grabbed a couple of grams off that pool player

Copper 1
Shame eh, seems like a nice guy – perhaps we could let him off with a ‘warning’

Copper 2
Dispose of the evidence

Copper 1
Rack ‘em up

Copper 2
Already have

Copper 1
Wait for it – ein, zwei, SNORT!

Coppers take lines / enter Lily

Copper 1
Morning

Lily
The guy you bang’d up last night, Nelson, what’s he in for

Copper 1
Robbing a jewellers

Lily
At what time

Copper 1
About 3 AM

Lily
That’s impossible… he was with me

ALIBI (refrain)

Lily
He didn’t do it
Why would I lie
He is an honest man
Just look into his eyes
& I’m begging ya hear me say
We were loving the night away
I’m his Alibi

See me down on my knees as I pray
Please don’t lock my baby away
I’m his Alibi

Copper 1
What exactly are you saying miss

Lily
I’m his alibi

Copper 2
So where were you both last night

Lily
What’s this, bad cop, worse cop – look, we were at my place, you know, doing the things that lovers do

Copper 2
Could you clarify that, miss, we need more details

Lily
Well, he began to undress me slowly, & I him, our eyes were already lost in the carnal arts, his touch was soft, yet firm,

Copper 2
How firm?

Copper 1
Steady on girls, calm down… this is not bloody Mills & Boon… yes, we’ll let him go… but I must warn you, if you are not telling us the truth…

Lily
What, l’il ol’ Lily

Exit Copper 1

Lily
Use your imagination sweetheart

Lily is waiting for a tram

Nelson
Yo Lily, where you going?

Lily
I’m off back to bed

Nelson
Room for a little un? – or a big un?

Lily
Fuck off… I don’t do jewel thieves

Nelson
Listen to me sweetheart – I slept on everything that happened last night & now I’ve woken up a new man

Lily
That’s the drugs wearing off mate

Nelson
No – I’ve had an epiphany

Lily
Uuughh – don’t come near me with your piffy knee, whatever that is

Nelson
No – an e-piph-a-ny – look babe, I’m, I’m willing to show you faith, love & understandin’ – buckets of the stuff – but whatever you do thanks a lot, you got me out of one hell of a mess there

Lily
You seem a nice guy deep down Nelson, didn’t want to see you banged up, it’s a shame you’re such a dick head

Nelson
But baby, I’m gonna change, I’m gonna change for you, I swear down, I’ve seen the light, & you’re the shining angel behind it – let me win ya back

Lily
You never had me in the first place – you’re just another square peg in the playbox of my life

Nelson
Look honey, from the first time your ass wiggled by me, I knew that it – I mean you – were mine forever, now listen up…

Nelson
I’m gonna build a chain gang
Gonna lay the tracks
Gonna lay a line to your heart
Til ya want me back
I’m not gonna build a station
It’s a one way train
When I get to my destination
Will ya want me back again
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos true love lasts forever
O yes it does
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos you always do,
& remember my darlin I feel
Feel, the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Nelson
So whaddaya reckon

Lily
Look Nelson, I can’t deal with this shit right now, my heads blown a gasket from last night, I took far too much cocaine all I want right now are some carb-heavy bagels & a glass of almond milk –  just, leave me alone, eh

Nelson
But baby baby, listen up

I’m gonna build a new line
On the old rail road
Windin’ thro the valleys
With an empty load
When I get to my destination
Your hearts my only stop
Gonna meet you at the station
At the back of the coffee shop
When I meet you at the coffee shop
I’ll ask you to be mine
Forever & for always
O yes I will

I’ll meet you at the coffee shop
& take your tender hand
& tell you I love you
& you’ll look in my eyes & you’ll feel
Feel the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Nelson
So come on then Lily, surely you felt it

Lily
Felt what?

Nelson
You know, it! We had something going on me & you

Lily
Well, I might have done – but you fucked it up big time

Nelson
I never meant to, baby, just look in your heart. What is it saying to you?

Lily
O how I cried, I cried so much
The way I cried for you
& I nearly died, when your loving touch
From my life withdrew
Well, always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Nelson
Well, always & forever sugar
I’m gonna be your boy

Enter Brenda full of mud with a spade being chased by police

Brenda
Yo, Nelson

Nelson
Yo, Brenda, when did you get out

Brenda
About two minutes ago – o shit!

Enter Coppers chasing Brenda – enter General covered in mud

Lily & Nelson
Hey General

General
Hi people, what’s happenin,

Lily
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

Enter Bouncer / Coppers catch Brenda but are filled with ‘the love’

All
Have you ever felt the love
Dont tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

All
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

Bouncer & Coppers bow then exit / General & Brenda pair off

Brenda
So, where dya live handsome

General
I’ve got the keys to my mate’s house – he’s up north – dya wanna come up

Brenda
Sure
{leans in to kiss him}

General
Nae chance – you’re taking a fucking shower before you kiss the General

Exit General & Brenda

TC
Yo guys… nice to see you’ve got it together… Tinky Disco are playing the Stramash tonight… ya comin’?

Lily
Not tonight TC…. we’ve got some catching up to do

TC
Suit yourselves
{getting his phone out}
Yo Charlie any chance of another hundred of those Dutch eccies, half of Leith’s loved up here!

Exit TC

Nelson
Right, what was that you were saying about going back to bed

Lily
Come here…
{they kiss then begin to exit}
You know, Nelson, you should get a band together with a voice like that

Nelson
& you should be a model with an ass like that
{Nelson taps ass}
By the way, what’s ya name again?