SCENE 1 – Peebles Town Centre
Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie
Brenda
Alright big man, help the homeless
Gadgie I
I’m skint mate
Brenda
No worries, have a good night
Gadgie I
How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a job yer fuckin’ hobo
Exit Gadgie I, enter Nelson
Brenda
Nelson!!
Nelson
Alright Brenda, how’s tricks?
Brenda
Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya
Nelson
Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a proper pain-in-the ass
Brenda
I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss
Nelson
Lucky you
Brenda
Spare any change?
Nelson
What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack
Brenda
Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted mi ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight
Nelson
{giving change}
Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week
Brenda
You’re a star pal
{Nelson starts drawing out his money}
Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin’ to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember – wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes
Nelson
Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time
Brenda
I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night?
Nelson
You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles
Brenda
{standing up}
Look, mate, since I got mi head together I’ve been thinking a lot about life & I’ve got a wee bit of advice for ya
***
TURNAROUND
Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny,
Let me tell you man I swear
If I had the chance I would always keep on moving
Nelson
I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years
For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all
Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then oh maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children
Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin’ for us all
Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin’
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho’ the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it
Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
***
Nelson
Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?
Brenda
The Big City kid, it’ll make a man o’ yer
Nelson
The Big City – what, Glasgow?
Brenda
Fuckoff – not Weegieland, that dump’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh
Nelson
Edinburgh! Well, I’ve always thought I’d check it one day
Brenda
Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin’ about visitin’ the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max
Nelson
You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it
Brenda
Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, brother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you jump on it
Nelson
Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit
Brenda
Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man
Nelson
Y’know, I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah
Brenda
Not to this bank though, I get all mi mail sent to the Barclays up the road
Nelson
Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister
Exit Nelson / Brenda carries on busking
SCENE 2 – Edinburgh
A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus
Nelson
Wow this is mental – look at the buildings – the hi-tech trams – the castle – the women!
TC
Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from?
Nelson
Some place ya never heard of
TC
Just arrived have ya
Nelson
Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus
TC
Cool, they call me TC
Nelson
Nelson
TC
Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin’ ravin, you like to party
Nelson
Sometimes
TC
Well my mate’s just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam
Nelson
What, ecstasy
TC
Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass
Nelson
Uuuugh
TC
Dont worry, he used protection – now then, dya wanna try one or not
Nelson
Go on then
TC
Here you go pal – tell me what ya think
TC passes Nelson a pill
Nelson
Uuugh – that tastes rank
TC
That’s the MDMA that is, the bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right
Nelson
I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin’ hell
TC
Are you alright kid
Nelson
I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – mi doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something
***
ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH
Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’
Down the road, I hear my callin’
In the music that I’m singin’ man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own
Because the way I’m feelin’ now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high
TC
Wooah kid… are you alright
Nelson
No, mate, I’m really suffering
TC
Shit, sorry
Nelson
Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter
TC
Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?
Nelson
Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here
TC
Wicked, I might try one myself
Nelson
What, have you never tried these before
TC
Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half
Nelson
Ya cheeky bastard
TC
Cheeky’s my middle name kid
Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin’ thro’…
Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high
Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high
TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly
***
TC
You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv – I’m fuckin’ flyin here
Nelson
Told ya
TC
You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle
{they cuddle}
Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo Club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie
Nelson
Do bears shit in the woods
TC
Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapp’d for being a nobhead – but before we kick off the good times we’re going shopping for sure – there’s a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad
Nelson
What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune
TC
Well they saw you comin’… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut
Exit TC & Nelson
SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club
Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General
***
MUMBO JUMBO
All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
Enter The Cool Pool General carrying a tray of tequilas
General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!
Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!
All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
Enter TC & Nelson
TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground
TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon?
Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown
TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie
Nelson
Only on the telly
TC
Trust me, mate, most of ’em are… available…
know what I mean?
General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’ve ya bin
TC
Got stuck in a lift mate
General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you
TC
Why what’s up?
General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s been proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?
TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy
General
Nah, I don’t touch the devil’s dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s looking for ecstasy
TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya
General
Nah worries, nuff respect
TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, best hustler in Scotland
Nelson
Nice to meet ya
General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?
TC
We’ll see what the night brings, eh?
General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in
General goes off dancing
TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
{gets out phone}
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin’ a hundred o’ those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
{hangs up phone}
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a wee mission, look after mi stash will ya
TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh that’s been down your pants
TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grams of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do, be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters you’ve gotta worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters
Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around
***
FLIPSIDE OVER EASY
Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuck’d up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin’ around in my joint!
Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3
Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,
Bouncer
Ya goin’ down…
Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed
Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….
Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off
The Conchordia Folio 