Category Archives: Exes & Axes

Exes & Axes: Scenes 1-2


SCENE 1: A country lane near Navarrenx / The Shoe-Shiner is shining shoes / Enter Didier clutching roses

HIDING IN THE WORLD
Didier – scattering roses about

She’s been listening to all my songs
& she says to me my love lets sing another one
Let it be free as the wind as it blows
Over Gascony to the rising of the morning sun

I’ve been singing her all sorts of songs
& I’ve helped them along with a tender drop of romance
Let us be pure as the snow as it falls
On the houses below the shimmmering chateauxs of France

I jump’d down off a mountain
To find myself a girl
So my love would find me, find me
Hiding in the world

& when she comes with the sun
She turns the darkness into starshine
Yes she’s mine she’s just the finest ever girl

I’ve been hoping to open a shop
At the drop of a hat
Buy a flat & make a million
Let her be lucky in all that she does
As I’m wrapped in a rug
Reading stanzas of a sweet Chanson

We’ve been drinking our wine for some time
& I find that the flow is holier than Carcassone
Let it be fine as the rose as it grows
In the glorious moment when
Lovers’ lips’ll melt as one

I Jump’d down off mountains
To find myself girl
And my love did find me, find me
Hiding in the world

& when she comes with the sun
she turns the darkness into starshine
Yes shes mine shes just my finest ever girl

& when she’s shining divine
She turns the bad times into shadows
Yes I’m yours with all the roses in the world

Didier
Ooo – I’m in love, I’m in love, love, love, love, love – how my heart does pound & quiver whenever I think of thee, my sweet, sweet Annie-May

Shoe-Shiner
Dood morning sir, I take it you’re in love

Didier
Indeed I am – why, tomorrow I shall be marrying the most wonderful woman in the whole of the Bearne

Shoe-Shiner
Lucky you sir – will you be toasting the wedding tonight with your, friends as is traditional around these parts of France, as I have heard sir

Didier
Of course I shall – Indeed, I am meeting a couple of my very good friends in this very spot, after which we shall be frequenting the taverns of Navarrenx, where we shall be imbibing a great number of extremely strong beverages

Shoe-Shiner
Excuse me sir, if you don’t mind me saying, but is it nor correct that such an occasion warrants the shiniest shoes a man could wear

Didier
Ehm – they seem fine to me

Shoe-Shiner
Sir, I am the best shiner in the area sir – when I am done with your shoes you will be able to see the whites of your teeth in their reflection – & of course you will be helping to feed me & my wife’s seventeen children ––

Didier
Seventeen children

Shoe-Shiner
Only two of them are actually mine sir – but what I’m really trying to say is this

SHOE SHINE BLUES

I got no money
So man can I shine your shoes
I got no money
So man can I shine your shoes
C’mon, give me break cos Im aching to the shoe shine blues

All I’m asking, is brother help me make some sous
All I’m asking, is brother help me make a sous
& I promise when Im finished all the girls are gonna love your shoes

Give me a chance
Sit yourself down
Let me get busy when you’re up in town
You’ll feel happy
Get any woman that you choose
Because a man looks so handsome
when he’s dancing in his new shine shoes

If you had a dernier,
then maybe you could buy the news
If you had an ecu d’argent,
you could buy yourself a bottle of booze
But if you give me a sou then
I’ll shine away your shoe-shine blues
Because a man looks so handsome
when he’s dancing in his new shine shoes

Didier
Very well, shine away

Shoe-Shiner
You will not regret it, I promise… so, monsieur, what is your trade

Didier
I am in the woodcutting business

Shoe-Shiner
Very nice

Didier
You see that house across yonder fields

Shoe-Shiner
Yes

Didier
The timber is my work in its entirety – I did the whole lot in a single afternoon

Shoe-Shiner
Very good work sir

Didier
& it is all because I have the biggest chopper in Navarrenx

Enter Albert & Andre

Andre
Bonsoir Didier!

Didier
Andre! Albert!

Albert
How are you doing my old friend

Didier
I am so glad you could make it over from Pau

Albert
Mon amis ! I would not miss it for all the cheese in Aquitaine

Andre
So, tell us, Didier, how is our groom feeling this night… excited ?

Didier
Nervous

Andre
Everything is going to be just fine. What can go wrong?

Shoe-Shiner
There you go, monsieur, like a mirror

Didier
Not bad at all – here is an ecu

Shoe-Shiner
Thank you, monsieur, most generous & perhaps your friends would also…

Albert
No, no, no – we don’t have time for that – we must proceed immediately to a local drinking establishment in order to get absolutely hammer’d

Didier & Andre
Huzzah!

Enter Gypsy

Andre
I say what a damnable creature

Albert
Begone vile crone, thine outrageous ugliness offends us

Gypsy
I am looking for a man who’ll be married come the morrow

Didier
Why, tis I who shall be married on the morrow – in the morning to be exact

Andre
Just who in damnation’s eyeballs are you, vile hag-woman

Gypsy
I be a gypsy I be & we knows abouts life’s going-ons & such like

Albert
Well, what do you want with our friend, you fiendish creature

Gypsy
I have come to sell him a flower – a very lucky flower it is

Andre
Aha! she is nothing but a common peddler, we will be having nothing to do with you & your pathetic business – leave our presence immediately

Didier
No-no-no – let us hear her out – what kind of flower is it

Gypsy
It is a lemon blossom sir – it symbolises fidelity in love

Didier
I suppose it cannot hurt – indeed, my grandmother used to tell me always trust a gypsy – very well – I shall buy one – how much

Gypsy
A dernier

Albert
A dernier! For one measly bloom – she is a veritable Saracen bandit – tell her to fly to the devil where she belongs

Didier
No – no – I cannot afford to risk it – it is only a dernier… here you go

Gypsy
Thanking you kindly – but don’t forget to put it in your jacket’s upper pocket upon the night before your wedding – for luck

Didier
Very well

Andre
Didier – falling for such superstitious hokery pokery

Didier
It is only a bit of fun, Andre – & I am getting married after all

Albert
Huzzah

Andre & Didier
Huzah!

Didier
To the taverns of Navarrenx

Andre & Albert
To the tavern

Exit Didier, Albert & Andre

Andre
By the time we are finished with you, my man, they will have to push you up the aisle in a wheel-barrow

Shoe-Shiner
Hey gypsy

Gypsy
Yes, can I help you

Shoe-Shiner
Do you have any more of those flowers – I could sure do with a bit of luck right now – I ain’t got a dernier though – how about I buy a couple of petals for a couple of sou

Gypsy
I’m afraid not young man, – that be a special flower that be – one of a kind – but here, you keep the dernier

Shoe-Shiner
Wow, thanks lady

Exit Gypsy

Shoe Shiner
Because a man looks so handsome when he’s dancing in his newly shin’d shoes


SCENE 2: The Trezuguet Family Household – Annie-May is receiving a manicure from her sister Amelie & her friend Olive

Amelie
You must be purely quivering with excitement dear sister

Annie-May
I am – just one more sleep until my wedding day night – where I hope I won’t be sleeping, if you get my meaning

Olive
I am sure you won’t Annie – have some more wine – it will calm you down – Oo! Your nails are looking lovely

Amelie
You’re going to look so beautiful tomorrow

Annie-May
I know, I know

Enter Louis

Louis
Pardon my intrusion girls

Amelie
Papa

Annie-May
Hello father – I thought you were sleeping

Louis
I will be soon, but first I found something for my eldest daughter, for her wedding day

Annie-May
Ooo! what is it

Louis
Open it & see

Annie May
My word – what a beautiful brooch

Louis
Your mother, god bless her soul, wore it on her wedding day – like her mother & grandmother before – I am sure she would have wanted you to wear it today

Annie-May
I’ll put it on – it will be my very own talisman of happiness

Amelie
It’s beautiful

Annie-May
Thank you papa – O, how I do wish mother were alive to share my happy day

Louis
So do I my love

Amelie
She will be there in spirit I am sure

Louis
Ah, my girls, the Lord God will ever weave his ways most mysterious – it was only he who could have told your mother to walk right into the path of my axe when I was swinging it at that oak tree – a nasty, ghastly accident

Annie-May, Amelie & Olive
Nasty… ghastly

Louis
However, until that fatal day she would often tell me that being a woodcutter’s wife was the most amazing station on God’s wide earth – & I’m so glad you’ve found a woodcutter of you own – he’s a good lad that Didier – he shows much promise & his choppers even bigger than mine! Anyway, girls, I must be off to my bed, I will need a good night’s sleep if I am to keep pace with you young things during the wedding festivities

Amelie & Annie-May
Good night father

Olive
I’m sure you can still pull a move or two on the dance floor, monseigneur Trezuguet

Louis
Are you asking me to dance Olive

Olive
It would be an honour & a pleasure

Louis
I would be more than delighted – until tomorrow then, good night girls

Exit Louis

Olive
Your father’s a lovely man

Amelie
Olive, you are married

Annie-May
& you are far too young for our Papa even if you were not

Olive
But, girls, he is still the best feller in the woods – tree-feller that is

They laugh

Annie-May
I expect that very soon my Didier will have knock’d Papa from the top chopper spot

Olive
I am sure your father won’t mind at all – he’s always approved of the way Didier handles his massive axe – it is something to behold

Annie-May
You are such a dear friend, Olive, only you have handled my own engagement to Didier with so much maturity & nobility

Olive
It is no matter

Annie-May
I mean, it really does seem now that you were merely an agent of destiny meant to bring Didier to his fated love

Olive
Well, I wish fate would make his mind up – that was the fourth time you’ve taken one of our suitors

Amelie
Olive! Not tonight – remember, if my sister had not fallen in love with Didier, then you would never have got to marry your Andre

Olive
I suppose

Annie-May
I have finally made up my marital mind – but, Olive

Olive
Yes

Annie-May
Yours was a very quick marriage to Andre, I thought

Olive
Well, I was pregnant

Annie-May
But then you lost the baby – how dreadful for you both

Amelie
Annie!

Annie-May
But, are we not all friends together – we should be able to speak our minds frankly & without worry, is that not true Olive

Olive
It is

Annie -May
So, how is Andre doing… you are taking care of him I hope, he is such a lovely man

Olive
I think I am… he seems happy & well

Annie-May
We shared some good moments, Andre & I – but his chopper was just far too tiny – I mean, have you seen Didier’s – its huge

Amelie
It does have most magnificent & incredible shaft I have ever seen – such an impressive & veritably gargantuan girth

Olive
Andre’s is not so bad – & anyway, it is not the size of the chopper that matters, it is more the motion of the axe-stroke

Amelie
Very true, Olive, very true

Annie-May
I am ever so nervous though, girls – lying carnally for the first time with a new man is like becoming a virgin once again – we have never really spoken about it, Olive, but what am I to expect from my husband-to-be on our wedding night – did you ever…

Amelie
Once or twice

Annie-May
Well…

Amelie
Let us say he handles his woman like he chops down trees – his strokes are slow, steady & strong

Annie-May
Sounds very pleasant – but is it true what they say – that a girl can be killed by the sheer ecstasy of marital love, to suffer something so sweetly beautiful, one collapses into a man’s arms as if one was dead – is such a thing to happen to me tomorrow night

Amelie
You don’t have to be married to feel like that, the same effect might be appropriated through a ripe courgette

Olive
You should wait & see what happens on own your wedding night, Annie-May… but whatever you do, do not forget to place several rose petals in your secret whispering eye tomorrow morning before you go to church – to maintain a fresh fragrance down there throughout the festivities

Annie-May
Thank you for the tip, babe – I cannot wait to be married to Didier – there’s just something about him that makes me go mmmmm…

OPEN UP MY HEART

Open up my heart
I’m in love again
There’s a light inside of my mind
I’ve been hurt before
Sadness struck my soul
But now I’ve left those troubles behind

O tell us why you love this guy so much
It’s his kiss his smile his kindness & his touch

It’s been a long time (how long)
Since I’ve felt at ease
Now I feel feelings (how strong)
Ony his passion can appease

I was a phantom (so pale)
In the vale of lonely sighs
Now I see woman (all hail)
In the reflections of his eyes

O tell us why you love this guy so much
It’s his kiss his smile his kindness & his touch

Love is here to stay
Living every day
Knowing I’m a fluffy cuddle & a kiss away
From the realms of bliss
What a world is this
When a tender kiss
Will seal all this upon my wedding day

I’ll never love another man so much
It’s his kiss his smile his kindness & his touch

Destiny shall sing
When I say I do
& so it’s time to send
An invitation out to you
Come & celebrate (we’ll be there)
In a merry throng
Breathe the scented air
Of merriment & wine & song

O tell us why you love this guy so much
It’s his kiss his smile his kindness & his touch

I’ll never love another man so much
It’s his kiss his smile his kindness & his touch

Exes & Axes: Scenes 3-5


Scene 3: A tavern in Navarrenx – Veronique is fixing drinks for Andre – Didier & Albert are making merry

Andre
Merci mademoiselle… here you go boys

Albert
Nice one mate

Didier
Tell me, Andre, what is being married actually like

Andre
It is not a bed of roses, by any means, but the true merit of any venture is in its difficulty, right – if your wife is worth it then all obstacles & pains should be overcome with a simple sense of nobility – but in the course of your wedlock, my friend, I find there is no point in arguing with your wife in any circumstance – you will never win – & you should always let her have the last word, anything you say after that will only lead to a brand new altercation

Albert
I agree wholeheartedly – I find one minute my wife is gently & delectably sipping from a glass of wine…

Andre
& the next, she is throwing it at your head, right

Albert
Right

Andre
I sometimes think they are beings from another world

Albert
Perhaps so – they seem to work from a completely different clock to us – five minutes to a woman is one of our half hours – her half an hour is the same as two of our man hours – & if she says she will be a couple of hours – well, one should simply forget the entire circumstance

Andre
It is the long, loud sigh that worries me the most – when Olive launches one of those into the room I know I shall be enduring a day of much discomfort – I will say to her, are you well my sweet, & she will reply I am fine my darling – which I now understand to mean she is far from fine – that took a great deal of head-scratching, believe me – anyway, when she says she is fine & immediately follows the word this with a long, loud sigh you are trapp’d my friend, there is no way out & it’s not pretty

Veronique brings the drinks

Veronique
Here you are gentlemen

Albert
Merci mademoiselle

Veronique
Enjoy your drinks

Albert
Mon dieu, she is the very essence of Aphrodite

Didier
Why don’t you try talking to the girl

Albert
I would never – she is far too attractive for me

Andre
My friend, woman prefer confidence & personality to good looks, go & talk to her

Albert
But how should I even approach the conversation

Didier
I believe it’s not about saying the right thing, but about not saying the wrong thing

Andre
Tell her you have been observing her from afar & thought her a striking beauty

Albert
Sounds a bit stalkery

Didier
Well, just be funny then – a woman will enjoy a man who can make her laugh

Andre
& remember, he who hesitates, masturbates

Albert
Pardieu! You are right! I shall make a damn good attempt of the wooing

Didier
One word of warning… however beautiful she appears, do not stare at her… frontal delights… during the conversation, it will not be to your credit

Andre
& when you discover the tart’s name, repeat it a few times to yourself, when it comes to courtship, forgetting what a woman is actually call’d is a most terrible faux pas

Didier
Superseded only by calling her by some other woman’s name

Andre
& once you obtain her name, repeat it to yourself a number of times so it becomes entrench’d in your memory

Albert
Thank you for the advice – wish me luck, I’m going in

Andre
Go get her tiger

Albert approaches Veronique

Albert
Hello

Veronique
More drinks

Albert
No – we have plenty, I was just wondering where I had seen you before

Veronique
Albert, you are a frequent visitor to this tavern

Albert
No, I mean, was it at the public library, I was browsing through several books on the subjects of philosophy & mathematics & other such subjects which only a great intellect can understand

Veronique
I don’t go to libraries – can’t read

Albert
You cannot read – O dear

Veronique
What are you saying

Albert
No, nothing, I’m sorry, it is of no consequence your inability to read

Veronique
I’m glad you think so – is that wll you wanted, to make me feel embarrass’d?

Albert
No, I never meant to, wait! – would you at least do me the pleasure of giving me your name

Veronique
It’s Veronique

Albert mumbles her name to himself several times

Veronique
Could you please stop your mumblings sir, you are making me feel uneasy

Albert
My apologies, let me introduce myself formally – I am Albert Dupoint – could I possibly buy you a drink

Veronique
I don’t need you to buy me a drink, I can get one whenever I want – & I am actually working, thanks – so, if you are finished, finally, I have some pots I need to wash

Albert
Do you mind if I watch you… washing those glasses that is…

Veronique
It’s a free country…

Didier
They seem to be getting on

Andre
Love is in the air, I suppose

Didier
So… how do you really feel about me marrying Annie May – I know you had a thing together once – it cut you up rather severely when she ended the trystings

Andre
I have gotten well over it my friend – I am happily married to Olive now

Didier
So, there will never be any hard feelings between us

Andre
Of course not – never – Navarrenx is a small town, Didier – the chances of ended up with one of your friend’s exes is rather high – it is all about dealing with the happenstance – but, there is one thing I want to say

Didier
What?

Andre
You must be careful – once a temptress, always a temptress, you know what she’s like

Didier
Nonsense, the temptress has been tamed, she is completely devoted to me – she tells me every day

Andre
Words & actions are each manufactur’d from a completely different essence – all I’m saying, is, well, be careful

Didier
I appreciate your concern – but this is the genuine article – we are head over heels in love

Andre
Of, course you are, what am I saying, I am so sorry

Didier
It’s not a problem – after all, you are my best friend & my best man – I wouldn’t expect any other action – you are, & always have been like a brother to me Andre

BROTHERS IN ARMS

Well I ain’t no politician
Nor a member of yer family
But when the chips are down
I’ll come running round
Because brother you can count on me

You’re my brother from another mother
& I love the way we share our time
Cos when the day is thro’ I can count on you
Cos you’re the bestest friend of mine

Youre always with me in the good times
You always help me thro the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go

When the sycamores are falling
In the valley of Aleppo pine
Well, we got our backs
With our battleaxes
You’re he bestest friend of mine

Like a sister from another mister
Or a geisha girl that pours the wine
When the day is done
Youre a gentleman
& the bestest friend of mine

Youre always with me in the good times
You always help me thro the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go

Brothers in arms stick together
In the face of stormy weather
Like Crecy, Agincourt & all the rest

You’re always with me in the good times
You always help me thro’ the bad times I know
& you give me hope when I’ve no place left to go

Didier
I fucking love you man

Andre
I love you too brother – we are like the twinned siblings of a single womb

They embrace – Albert joins in hug – enter the three Musketeers – Portos, Athos & Aramis

Athos
Bazempleu, Porthos ! what a hovel of a tavern

Aramis
But it still serves wine, Athos, it will have to do

Veronique
Well look who it is, the three fucking Musketeers

Porthos
Steady your tongue wench, or I shall slice it off with my sword

Albert
What ya saying mate

The Three Musketeers all draw their swords

Athos
We are saying you’d better sit down & shut up

Albert
You what

Aramis
A bottle of champagne if you please, mademoiselle

Veronique
Certainly sir

Didier
{grabbing Albert}
Albert, come & sit back over here with us

Albert
I’m not going nowhere, not until these oversized pantaloons apologise

Porthos
What did you say

Veronique
Messieurs! messieurs! calm down – here’s you champagne… Albert, go & sit over there with your friends… NOW

Athos
Or better still, go back to Roncevalles where you belong you donkey-fucking mountain-boy

Albert lunges for Athos, Didier drags him back

Didier
Mate, mate, he’s not worth it, come over here & chill out

Albert
Nah, he needs to learn a lesson, mate

Didier
Not tonight, man, it’s my stag do

Albert
Aw fuck it!

Didier drags Albert away / Aramis splurts out his drink

Aramis
Why, you cheap strumpet whore, you have given us Anjou wine instead of Champagne, & fancied we’d not know better

Porthos
She has done what

Aramis
Navarrenx is so full of degenerates these days

Albert snaps angrily & rushes back

Andre
Shit!

Albert
Oi you – yes you – what did you call her

Aramis
I said she was a cheap strumpet whore

Albert
Well you, monseigneur, are just a mustache twiddling cunt

Aramis
You what

Albert decks Aramis & they begin fighting; Andre, Didier, Porthos & Aramis join in; the fight is broken up by the entrance of Louis

Louis
Arret! Arret! Stop this at once

Albert
Oh shit

Didier
Monsieur Trezeguet, I am so sorry, this is not the real me, I promise, I was randomly embroil’d in an altercation, I promise with all my heart I will be a good husband to your daughter

Louis
I do hope so, Didier, & Porthos, what the hell are you doing – this man is marrying my daughter tomorrow, it would be better if he were actually alive

Porthos
Monseigneur, I apologise, we were all in high spirit

Louis
Look, you are three & you are three – how dies unlimited dinner & drinks for six sound – on me of course

Aramis
Huzzah

Albert
I suppose that sounds alright

Louis
I wish there will be nothing but absolute joy on my daughter’s special day – there will be no more bad energy created in Navarrenx for the foreseeable future – do you understand

Andre
Of course, Monseigneur

Louis
Veronique, I will clear the bill for all these six men consume this evening on the morrow – I actually came in to tell you not to forget those cute little pink doyleys for wedding feast

Veronique
All under control Monseigneur Trezeguet

Louise
Messieurs, behave yourselves

Exit Louis

Porthos
You heard the man, we shall begin with six bottles of your, ehm, champagne as you call it… the fact it is free should make up for its deficiencies in quality

Aramis & Athos
Huzzah

Didier
Take a seat with us

Athos
So, who is it that is getting married on the morrow, is it you

Didier
It is

Athos
Well, if this is your last night of freedom, let’s get absolutely shit-faced

Porthos
All for one & one for all

All
Huzzah

Andre
By the way, what time is it

Didier
It is twenty minutes to eleven

Andre
That late ! Alas, I am afraid I continue with the festivities – I promised my wifeI would be home by elevem – we wanted a good night’s sleep before the festivities

Didier
Are you sure you’ve got to go?

Andre
Yes, I must

Veronique brings the drinks

Veronique
Your drinks

Didier
Stay & have this last glass with us

Andre
No – I must be off, you will understand yourself when you are married, its not worth the hassle

Didier
Ah well – there will be plenty of wine come the morrow – just make sure you are at the church for mid-day

Andre
It is not me we need to worry about – Albert, you’re now in charge, make sure he gets home tonight

Albert
Of course

Andre
Messieurs & Musketeers until tomorrow

Albert
It’s going to be a lot of fun – & you’re coming too, right guys

Porthos
We are

Didier
Sure

Three Musketeers
Huzzah

Exit Andre – the men dive into conversation & drinking


Scene 4: The woods / Annie-May is waiting / enter Andre

Annie-May
O Andre – my sweet Andre – I am so glad you came – what took you so long

Andre
I went to see my wife before I attended this extremely inappropriate meeting

Annie-May
Did you tell her you were coming to see me

Andre
Of course I didn’t – she would have exploded – she is asleep now, so I felt I could come – tho’ I do feel extremely strange in doing so – for example, why are we secretly meeting in the woods the midnight before your wedding – and here of all places – our secret trysting site

Annie-May
I just needed to see you one last time – as a single woman

Andre
You what

Annie-May
There is something most particular I must tell you

Andre
What is it Annie May

Annie-May
You must know that it is you whom I truly love

Andre
What! Well, why are you marrying Didier

Annie May
It is simply his chopper – it is enormous – in a small town like Naverrenx, a girl like me needs an axe like that

Andre
Here we go – it’s always been about my axe – change the ballad-sheet Annie, it’s getting boring

Annie-May
I’m sorry, I’m just so confused

Andre
You have always been the same Annie-May – all you think about is your own needs, & to blazes with anyone who gets hurt in your wake

Annie-May
But darling – I still think of you every single day – we shared the most – exquisite of moments – in this very place – do you remember the time we were stood up against that tree

Andre
Hah – that I do recall… but you have made your choice, you are marrying my best friend

Annie-May
Could I at least have one last kiss – a farewell of sorts

Andre
I cannot comply with such a request as that

Annie-May
But it would just be for the sake of old times, for the sake of good old times

Andre
No – I cannot betray Didier in such a fashion

Voices approaching

Annie-May
Quickly – hide

Enter Didier, Albert & Aramis – they are very drunk

Aramis
Ah man – I love you lads, thanks for inviting me back for a nightcap

Albert
Not a problem at all – we are delighted to have you

Aramis
The other Musketeers are exceedingly dull in comparison – must be in bed by midnight, Aramis, must be doing the King’s service in the morning Aramis – Porthos is as vain as narcissus, & Athos, well he’s just a dick – anyway, enough of all that, Didier, tell me about this bride-to-be of yours, what’s she like

Didier
Mere words could never express how much I love her – she is the epitome of womanly perfection – & I simply cannot wait until this time tomorrow, when our conjoinment shall be finalised – carnally

Didier vomits

Albert
Better out than in – come on, let’s get you home

Didier
Alright, alright

Didier vomits again – as he wipes his mouth with a handkerchief from his pocket the lemon blossom falls out

Didier
Urrgh – that is better – but I do rather feel as if an elephant has defecated in my cranium

Albert
I think we had better get you to your bed – Aramis, give me a hand will you

Aramis
Steady on your feet, there, Didier, one foot in front of the other, that’s great, keep it up

Albert
Just a few minutes, mate, almost home

Exit Albert, Aramis & Didier

Andre
That was too close

Annie-May
You see what I am marrying – he is a veritable beast – please, please Andre, give me one last chance to feel again the one true love of my life

LETS GET ON IT

I’ve waited ages to meet in our favourite place
For the moment to come when we stand face to face
We kiss & we touch, wrap our arms round our waist
As I suck on your lips then we quicken the pace
then we slowly unravel the clothes that we wear
Lose the rose as it glows like the sun in your hair
then we fumble & tumble right onto the floor
It’s the time that the angels must always adore
Let’s get on it I want it I know that you want it
I know that I want it, I want you to want it
& as we get on it lets sing a love sonnet
I’m on it, I want on it
Let the passion roar x 2
Let the passion soar x 2

You’re full of bad chat you don’t dig my hat
& you never listen to a word I say
You’re my Annie-May
You use illusion, make confusion
But you’re always smiling when the skies are grey
You’re my Annie May, when you say

If you want my body take me home, home take me home
If you want my body take me home, boy take me home
If you want my body take me home, c’mon take me away
I’m your Annie-May

So, this is the time of our lives yes, it is
As we’re joined at the loins with our groins in a tizz
She sings in my ear such a sensual sound
As it swells to the bells of our hearts as they pound
To this moment of magic two lovers entwined
As some beautiful music moves up thro the mind
It’s the song of Olympus while Bachus plays on
We are good, we are strong, we belong, we are one
Let’s get on it I want it I know that you want it
I know that I want it, I want you to want it
& as we get on it lets sing a love sonnet
I’m on it, I want on it
Let the passion roar x 2
Let the passion soar x 2

You’re full of pullbacks
You don’t dig my axe
But you’re always smiling when the skies are grey
You’re my Annie-May
You make diversions, casts aspersions
But I’m so excited when you’re out to play
You’re my Annie-May, when you say

If you want my body take me home, home take me home
If you want my body take me home, boy take me home
If you want my body take me home, c’mon take me away
I’m your Annie-May, until my wedding day
I’ll be your Annie-May until my wedding day…


Scene 5: The same / it is dawn / Andre & Annie-May are asleep in a post-coital embrace / enter Didier

Didier
Where is that fucking flower – respect the Gypsies my grandmother said – I could hardly bring a curse down on my married life before it has even begun – now where on earth could that flower be where – I recall being sick somewhere, now where was it… uugh, found it – & the flower also – ah! Mon dieu !

Didier freezes as he sees Andre & Annie-May asleep

MURDER ON MY MIND

There’s a traitor’s pain in my side
Tonight, I’ll murder my bride
I saw her down in the woods
Doing something that curdl’d my blood
But I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me

Deep inside deep inside deep inside I’m bleeding
What is more, I feel raw for the gore I’m needing
But I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me

I’m sorry that u have to die
I’m sorry but u have to die
I’m sorry that u have to die
I’m sorry but u have to die

You broke my heart
Before we did marry
It’s time to start
Your hari-kari

Tonight, were the talk of the town
Celebrating true love which we’ve found
& then when the town’s all asleep
I’ll drown my love down in the deep
Cos I still love you baby
But I can’t lie with you
Cos ya lying to me x 4

Exit Didier

Andre
What was that – I heard a noise

Annie-May
It was probably a wild boar or something – but look – it is dawn – I, I – must get home – I’m getting married today

Andre
But how can you marry him now – after last night

Annie-May
I must

Andre
No – I insist you call the wedding off & marry me instead – we cannot spend the rest of lives living a lie

Annie-May
But you are married yourself

Andre
Ah shit, I forgot – well it was a mistake to marry Olive – I only became her lover to soften the anguish of losing you – then she fell with child & I was forc’d to marry her – to save your father’s precious status in the town – then she lost the baby & I was stuck – I have never loved her – it has always been you

Annie-May
We would never be accepted in Navarrenx – my family would not accept the union, & it would kill my sister – no, it cannot be

Andre
We could elope – catch the morning coach – we could be in Paris in a week

A pause

Annie-May
A charming & romantic thought, but I must marry Didier – our won love-making last night, Andre, was heavenly, however – I will take the memory to my grave – always remember, that while my body goes to him, my heart shall live in thine – farewell my lover, my dear, dear Andre

Exit Annie-May – Andre sits on the ground dejected – begins to cry

Exes & Axes: Scenes 6-8


Scene 6: Outside the church / Didier is waiting / Enter Andre

Andre
Apologies for my tardiness – I overslept – how are you feeling

Didier
On top the world, mate, on top of the world

Andre
Are you not feeling weary following last night’s drinking session

Didier
No, not at all – I went to the apothecary this morning & bought me a few of these cheeky herbal remedies – want one

Andre
Go on then

Enter Olive

Olive
Andre

Andre
Darling

Olive
So, where did you go last night my love?

Andre
Ehm

Didier
He was with me, we had a nightcap or three to steady my nerves

Olive
I thought as much – good luck Didier – I shall see you both inside

Andre
Thanks for that – eh – I didn’t actually get home, I was just too drunk, I just found warm bush in the woods & fell asleep

Didier
{picking twig out of his hair}
Did you – oh yes, I can see that, well you are here now, that is all that matters

Enter Amelie

Amelie
Why, you are both looking very smart today – Didier, my sister is a lucky woman, she will revel in your handsome appearance

Didier
You are looking quite beautiful yourself, Amelie

Amelie
Thank you… now let me just straighten your flower… lemon blossom is it not

Didier
It is

Amelie
See you inside

Exit Amelie – enter the Three Muskateers

Andre
Porthos, Athos, Aramis – you made it

Aramis
Of course we did, if our new best friend is getting married, we wouldn’t miss it for the world

Didier
How wonderful you came – there will be plenty of victuals to be consumed in the town square after the ceremony

Andre
Including some genuine champagne, Aramis

Aramis
Excellent

Porthos
Congratulations again, Didier

Didier
Thank you – come with me, I shall show you to your seats – hold the fort Andre & I shall meet you inside

Andre
Of course

Exit Didier & the Three Musketeers – Enter Annie-May & Louis

Louis
My sweet child – before we go inside & I give you away forever, let me take another look at you – ah, you look just like your mother

Andre
Monseigneur Trezeguet, could I speak with your daughter alone for a moment

Louis
Of course – I shall meet you in the antechamber, dear

Exit Louis

Albert
Don’t marry him

Annie-May
It’s a little late now don’t you think

Albert
To damnation with what you think – it is how you feel that counts

Annie May
Look Andre, your chopper just cannot cut down enough trees to keep me satisfied, & that’s the end of it

Albert
Listen to me Annie-May – listen to reason & not your material wants – drive such selfish thoughts from your mind for once & hear what your heart is screaming

Annie May
Well… it does, it always does pang for you, I know, that, but…

Albert
Shhh – there is a way we can be together – tonight I shall come to your room & I’ll get rid of him – forever – we can stage a robbery, some unscrupulous pilgrim on the Camino de Santiago wanting to steal our wedding gifts – then I shall claim Didier’s axe as my own & chop down the biggest trees in the whole of France, & all of them shall fall to the earth for you, Annie-May

Annie-May
You would do that… for me

Albert
For us

Annie May
Very well – but I must marry him first

Didier
It will break my heart

Annie May
My father would be suspicious – he would know you had talked me out of marrying Didier just now – we need to maintain the pretense – go inside & tell them we are coming

They kiss / exit Andre / Annie-May takes a deep breath & enters the church


SCENE 7: The ChurchDidier, Andre, Albert, Annie-May, Amelie, Olive, Louis, Veronique, Gisella, Pierre, Priest, Porthos, Athos, Aramis

Priest
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in this lovely little church to join this man & woman in holy matrimony – I believe the bride & groom have written their own vows

APPLES IN THE STREAM

I’ll dust you down, I’ll give you rings,
I shall treat you like a queen
& we shall bob on happily like apples in the stream

The fish shall take a nip at us & from our armour flee
But we shall bob omnipotent like apples to the sea

I close me eyes, I steal the scene, my life feels like a dream
& we shall bob on happily like Apples in the stream

& when we reach lifes violent tides beyond our island bay
Sunbeating on the shadeless wastes we’ll slowly bruise away
Til from our ever happy core our pips of love released
& we shall find a haven in the sea’s eternal peace

I’ll dust you down, I’ll give you rings,
I shall treat you like the queen
& we shall bob on happily like apples in the
I close me eyes, I steal the scene, my life feels like a dream
& we shall bob on happily like Apples in the stream
Yes, we shall bob on merrily like apples in the stream
Yes, we shall find serenity like apples in the stream

Priest
Now, we must observe the couple exchange wedding rings – messieurs, do you have them

Louis & Andre pass over the rings – Didier & Annie-May place them on each other’s fingers

Priest
Let us continue… do you, Didier de Chardonnay, take Annie-May Trezeguet to be your lawful wedded wife

Didier
I do

Priest
& do you, Annie-May Trezeguet take thee, Didier de Chardonnay to be your lawful wedded husband

Annie May
I do, I do

Priest
Then I am proud to pronounce you both man & wife – You may kiss your bride

All
Huzzahs

Andre
Ladies & gentlemen – thank you all for coming to this special occasion – I hope you will agree with me when I say there has never been a lovelier couple in Navarrenx… Now, as is the custom among we woodcutters, the bride & groom shall chop a log in tandem – to show how they will be working together in life – Albert

Albert gets the axe & log

Veronique
Mon Dieu! – its ginormous

Olive
Veronique!

Giselle
But it is – I’ve never seen an axe like it – its huge

Amelie
Shh…

Didier
Thank you, Albert – so darling, grip the shaft please – 1-2-3 & swing

They chop the log together to cheers

Andre
It is also the tradition at this moment for the groom’s best man to make a speech, now where is it {bringing out lots of sheets of paper} – Only joking, I shall make it short – so, being a married man myself, I thought I would tell my best friend what to expect from wedlock – you know marriage, it has a certain ring to it doesn’t it – engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring – I mean – take my wife – no, please!

O my Wife she is such a complainer
She complains about things every day
The dog & the dishes, thro’ cold frigid kisses
I’m wishing my missus away

Yes, my Wife she is just a big moaner
& I cannot do anything right
She’s fussy & pushy
Her armpits are bushy
& her pussy has never been tight

O my Wife she is such a complainer
She complains about things every day
The dog & the dishes, thro’ cold frigid kisses
I’m wishing my missus away

You know I’m only kidding on my darling – I believe that in the end I married miss right – I just didn’t realise her first name was always – but married life does have its perks, of course, you live longer for once – but then again you’re more willing to die – but don’t get me wrong, I do love my Olive, despite not being the prettiest flower in the woods – when we go to the zoo I have to buy her another ticket so they’ll let her out – take my Olive for instance – she did remedy her looks once tho, she bought a mudpack and looked especially delectable for a few days – then the mud fell off – but you know, married life means guaranteed bedtime action & for me I find my dear wife always closes her eyes while were making love – she hates to see me having a good time ! But when the day is done my wife is so very dear to me, in fact she’s nearly spent all my money ! So, Didier, here a tip on making a marriage last – me & Olive like going to a nice restaurant twice a week, a little wine, good food, good company – she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays !

Pierre
Monsieur, could you alter your tone sil vous plait, my wife is an angel –

Andre
You’re lucky, mine’s still alive – anyway…

Louis
{interjecting}
Ehm, Andre, that was a wonderful speech, if you will allow me a few words myself

Andre
Of course

Louis
I, too, would like to thank everyone for coming to the wedding of my beautiful baby girl – I hope you will agree with me when I say she looks exceedingly gorgeous – Annie-May, Didier – I wish for you a great many blessings on your domestic happiness – & I hope you we will soon hear the flute-like voices of your children floating through the woods – & in order to supplement my wish, I have an extra wedding gift for you both

Annie-May
What is it

Louis
Open it & see

Annie-May
O papa

Didier
What is it

Louis
It’s great deal of monies so you can go anywhere you want to go on your honeymoon – as long as it has a romantic setting conducive to – well, you know – making babies

Annie-May
O papa

Didier
Merci, Monseigneur Trezeguet

Louis
You are welcome, son… well, everybody, to the town square where the feasting shall begin

All
Huzzah

The wedding party exit the church in pairs, singing

He’ll dust you down, he’ll give you rings, he shall treat you like the queen
& you’ll both bob on happily like apples in the stream
(repeat several times)

Didier & Annie-May
Yes, we’ll both bob on happily like apples in the stream


Scene 8: Bridal suite – Enter Didier & Annie-May with lots of wedding gifts

Annie May
Annie-May de Chardonnay – I do like it, the name is very me – come here my true husband & kiss me, prodigiously

Didier
One moment my love, I just need to move a few things about

Didier begins to move bedroom furniture around

Annie-May
What on earth are you doing

Didier
I thought we would be needing a little more space for our lovemaking

Annie May
Why Didier, what do you have in mind

Didier
Everything

GOOD TIME LOVER

I got this good time lover & she’s so damn fine
I think im gonna take us to the sunny side
& when she get on top were gonna double drop
As I’m up & sucking on her clementines

I got this good time lover & he makes me high
Whenever he’s-a looking deep into my eye
& when he get on top he’s like a ticking clock
As I’m a getting randy in a candy shop

I said hey, boy, it’s time to turn over
For just about the seventh time
I said it’s your turn to turn over
Cos its about time I got on top of you

I got this good time lover & he’s well alright
To the songs of the crickets on a sommer’s night

I got this good time lover & the way he moans
Hes softening the marrow in my ankle bones
When he get on top he did a belly flop
& our eyes sent a spinning like a satellite

I got this good time lover when the nights on fire
Were gonna wiggle it get jiggy to our hearts desire
& when she get on top, I hope she never stops
As I’m up & licking on her lollipops

Hey girl I’m lying in clover
& your perfume tastes divine
But it’s your turn to turn over
Cos it’s about time I got on top of you

Ordinarily I don’t believe the hype
But if you find a lover that is just your type
Getting hot & sweaty is the thing to do
Especially with somebody as hot as you

Hey, girl, it’s time to turn over
For just about the seventh time
I said its your turn to turn over
& I know that you looking hot
Climbing like Camelot
But it’s about time I got on top of you

Annie May
Mon Dieu

Didier
What is it

Annie May
I never thought it possible – I thought it was just a woodland myth

Didier
What

Annie May
I – I think I just died

Didier
What – shall I call a doctor

Annie May
No, no need – come here – that was amazing – you have made me feel like a woman for the very first time – I – I think I love you – we must do all that again, night after night, forever & ever – I love you

Didier
Really

Annie May
Of course – I mean – before I was unsure – but nobody had ever made me feel like that in my whole life – like ever – so whole, so complete – like I am one with the universe – but, wait, Didier, why, your wedding ring is on the wrong finger

Didier
That is because I married the wrong woman

Annie May
What on earth do you mean darling

Didier
I should never have let you charm me out of your sister – she is a thousand times the woman you will ever be

Annie May
Good lord – whatever has gotten into you

Didier
Drop thy false mask, thou brazen harlot

Annie May
What?

Didier
I saw you

Annie May
What

Didier
This morning – down in the woods – with Andre

Annie May
What did you see

Didier
Enough

Annie May
I can explain my love

Didier
Don’t give me your condescending bullshit – I gave you my heart, & you have ripped it out – stamped on the poor thing in your wedding shoes to tenderized the meat – put in the oven – cooked it for an hour – chopped it up into little pieces & fed it to the woodland wolves

Annie May
It was a mistake – all a mistake – but things are different now, honey – it is you that I love – profoundly

Didier
What! Love – love is the most selfish of all the passions, but you transcend even that self-serving obsession – you love only yourself Annie-May – & now I feel there is a black bear at rage inside me that can only be appeased by blood – your blood

I’m sorry that you have to die
I’m sorry but you have to die
I’m sorry that you have to die
I’m sorry but you have to die

You broke my heart
Before we did marry
It’s time to start
Your hari-kari

Annie May
My husband – forgive me, forgive me please – I am your wife – I love you I love you I love you

A pause

Didier
Somehow – I sense now that you might mean it – look me in the eyes – I am sorry, I have come to my senses now – come to my arms Annie-May

They hug

Annie May
O, Didier, my sweet darling Didier – you now are the only man I will ever need

Didier
You must promise me you will never see Andre again

Annie May
Andre

Enter Andre wielding an axe

Andre
I am here my love

Annie May
Andre – listen…

Andre
We can speak in a moment darling – this should only take a minute

Didier
Andre, you fiend, you treacherous dog – you moral-less monster – what are you doing in our bridal suite – get out at once

Andre
I know we are supposed to be the best friends & all that – but Annie May & I are in love – your marriage is a sham

Annie May
No – you are wrong – I don’t love you anymore, it is Didier whom I love

Andre
You do not have to pretend any more, my sweet angel – everything will be alright in a second or two

Didier
We’ll see about that

Annie May
Please – stop this at once – you are the best of friends

Didier
Not any more

Brothers in arms stick together
In the face of stormy weather
Like Crecy, Agincourt & all the rest

But no brother of mine would cross the line
Between sunshine & the shadows
Spreading darkness to my heart right thro my chest

It is time to meet you maker Andre

An axe battle – Didier is mortally wounded

Andre
Whose got the biggest chopper now, Didier

Didier
Why are you doing this?

Andre
I am sorry – but she loves me as I love her – we always have been soul-mates – you & your fucking axe are – were – the only thing that stopped us from being together

Andre closes eyes & takes swing

Annie May
Noo —–

Annie May is slain

Andre
Oh, Annie May! what have I done
& what is love, then, after all
A rose whose thorns shall scratch us
A sea whose storms shall drown us
A violent force that drives the mind to deeds
Unthought in all our darkest miseries
& now its stark reality has shown
Into what beasts we fools for love are grown
My darling, please forgive me

While Andre mourns over Annie May’s body, Didier draws on the last of his strength & slays Andre, then collapses on top of the two bodies – enter gypsy hag who picks up the lemon blossom

Gypsy
Fucking idiots

Gypsy leaves the stage cackling

FIN.