Category Archives: Gangstaland

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As a living poet I have always held a torch to tradition, using models like pillars on which to build my own poetical buildings. The Conchordia Folio is no different, for any self-respecting poet of substance, if turning to the dramatic arts, should really be focussing on the eminent dramatic poet of the language & his body of work.

But there is emulation & there is evolution, & for my own essay into theatre I have taken on board the love of my own zeitgeist for the Broadway/West End musical which has created, when blended with Shakespearean iambic pentameter, what I have call’d ‘Conchordia.’ In its purest essence it means ‘with chords,’ & all the songs I have provided for the conchords can be played on an acoustic guitar.

One must also praise the folk duo ‘The Flight Of The Conchords,’ who really raised the bar as to what an individual performer must be – part singer, part songwriter, part actor, part comedian, part dancer, etc… i.e. all the muses operating in a single bodily space.

The first 13 conchords of the CONCHORDIA FOLIO are;

LEITHOLOGY
Alibi
Tinky Disco
Gangstaland
Timewarpin’
No Nay Never

GODS OF THE RING
Fight Of The Century
Sunshine Showdown

LYRICAL HISTORIES
Flight of The White Eagles
Malmaison
Stars & Stripes
The Siege of Gozo
Charlie
Viriathus

Millhouse Green
22/04/21


The Conchordia Folio: An Interview with Damian Beeson Bullen (September 2019)

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Ever imagined what would have happen’d
If the Stone Roses had teamed up with Shakepseare? The Mumble caught up with the man behind it all…


Hello Damo. So you are here to talk about your new project, the Conchordia Folio – what’s it all about?
Hello Mumble. Well, in essence the folio is a collection of dramatic scripts, per se, rather like the Shakespearean folio. The only difference is I’m assembling it myself, whereas the Bard’s was collated by his pals a few years after his death. It should be ready in book & audio form by the Spring. There’ also an element of competition here – why not, you only get one life. As a poet I’ve written a better epic than Milton, but Shakespeare seems untouchable. But so were Liverpool FC before Fergie got the Man U job, & after declaring he wanted to ‘knock them off their fuc£king perch’ he went on to do so. I know I’m definitely a better bass-payer than Shakespeare, so I knew had to incorporate music into my scripts, play to my strengths kinda thing. Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch!

So how exactly do you intend to ‘Knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch?’
I mean look, if a guy can run a marathon in less than two hours, another guy can outdo Shakespeare. Its the whole point of being human right, to better ourselves. Methodwise, its simple really. I’ve tried to outdo his sonnets already, creating a sequence of 154 which if you put against Shakespeare’s 154, I think I’ve got the edge. So it’ll be the same idea with the plays. I need to create a canonical 37 which when placed next to Shakepseare’s own 37, lets leave it to posterity to decide. My edge, I think, is going to be more penetrable language, shorter pieces & some proper banging tunes.

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Performing Alibi at Eden Festival, 2018

Thirty Seven plays – thats an awful lot to create in a single sitting – how long do you think will it take to achieve?
Well, I’ve written/been writing an epic poem, Axis & Allies, since 2001, so I can handle large projects no problemo. But I have set myself a time limit. With Shakespeare writing his last play, The Tempest, over the winter of 1610-1611, then he was 46 years old, approaching 47. For an even playing field, then, I need to be finishing my 37th play about the same time. I turn 47 in June 2024, so I’ve got just under four years to finish them all. Its totally doable, by the way, & watching that guy run a sub-two-hour marathon thro sheer hard work & dedication inspired me. I guess its a bit like if you got an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, or whatever it was, one of them would randomly recreate the works of William Shakespeare OR you get one very determined bard from Burnley on an emulation mission creating something rather like the complete works of William Shaksepeare.

So what exactly is Conchordia?
Well. Its essentially the artform I’m inventing. Stripped down to its most basic level the term can be interpreted as ‘with chords’ – the idea is that one can witness a piece of drama accompanied by a single acoustic guitar. That’s the core. Then, I realised that guitar could be played by a performer, which reminded me of the very funny Flight of the Conchords duo. They are like proper multi-taskers – acting, singing, dancing, playing guitars – that’s what I want ‘Conchordian’ to be able to do. Act, sing, dance & playing instruments when they’re not on stage – even if its just percussive. Also, since Concord the airplane is now defunct, the name is up for grabs these days & I like idea of people going for a ride in one of my conchords.

What traits & attributes sets Conchordia apart from the other arts?
Each of the Conchordia has different DNA – there’s some that are just rock opera with barely any dialogue, & some that are simply musicals with an acoustic guitar. My later creations, however, are definitely realising a vision of theatre I have been developing. As a poet I have a gift for blank verse – its the most artistic way of expressing human speech. Shakespeare used it, so it can’t be that bad right? It certainly feels like at this point in time I’m the leading exponent of dramatic blank verse on the planet. I mean I just love it – there is a dynamic flow in those unrhymed five-stress ten styllable lines that  seems like the dream of ordinary speach in a greater version of humainity – the idealised tongue. The English also have a genius for songwriting, while the Americans have mastered the musical. So if we blend all these together – Shakespearean blank verse, English songwriting, plus a wee splash of Broadway, you get Conchordia.

What other musical instruments are used in Conchordia, apart from the percussion?
Well, to be honest, there’s no limit. I’m going off the old edict that for a song to be a good song it needs to sound good sung on its own with only an acoustic guitar. But any producer of a conchord may use that basis to add an orchestra, or a rock & roll band, anything they like really. Each text also has a few ‘set’ pointers, which may also be interpreted as the company sees fit.

Have you performed any of your conchords yet?
I have actually – last year I put on a piece called Alibi at the Haddington Corn Exchange & also at the Eden Festival. It was fun – everyone enjoyed performing it & watching it. Doing Alibi made me realise I was onto something & began to look at my past pieces.

Your past pieces, what do you mean?
Alibi was the first slice of musical theatre I ever did – in 2007 & 2008. I was wintering in Sicily & got an acoustic guitar for Christmas, 2006. I then started looking at my old songs, connecting the common threads & adding a story. Bingo, my first conchord! I performed a it a few times in Edinburgh, Sheffield & Leeds. Next was a piece called Charlie, about the Jacobite rebellion, which I made into a film. About that period, & ever since, I’ve created a few others, but all in sketch form, in various states of completion. The Conchordio Folio is the moment I get them all nailed – a line in the sand, so to speak.

What Conchords are to be included in the Folio?
Like I said before, 37. The first five come together in a quintology  called Leithology. There’s Alibi, Gangstaland, one I haven’t given a title to, a time-travelling one called Timewarpin’ & Tinky Disco. The idea is that they all interlink through characters, who each get a main musical to strut their stuff in. Like the X-Men franchise. Tinky Disco is based loosely upon The Tinky Disco Show, & will see the return of DJ Brooklyn – like a 21st century Falstaff. There are quite a number of histories – Charlie, Finnesburgh – based on a story in Beowulf – Malmaison, which tells the story of Napoleon on his return to Paris after Waterloo, one about Princess Diana, & Gods of The Ring, about the Foreman, Ali, Frazier fights in the 70s. There’s also a trilogy called The Rock & Roll Wars, its essentially a battle of the bands on a cosmic level. There’s Exes & Axes, a 19th century tale of romantic betrayal set in 19th century France – it doesn’t quite fit with any of the others, but its really funny.


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Composing Conchordia: Provence (February 2020)

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At the teddy bear shrine of Elizabeth Drummond

Just as Shakespeare toured Italy as a prelude to the writing of his Italian plays, when deciding to compose a conchord on Gaston Dominici, I thought a story-hunting trip to Provence in order to commune with the ghosts of that most famous of 20th century crimes would surely help my craft. The crime in question is the 1952 roadside murder of nutritionist Sir Jack Drummond, his wife & their 10 year old daughter. They had camped for the night near a farmhouse owned by Gaston Dominici, a 75 year old patriarch in whose barn was kept the WW2 carbine which shot Sir Jack & his wife, & then clubbed to death little Elizabeth. A shocking case which brought the world to the Durance Valley & also sucked to the surface old family quarrels & familiar local feuds which in the end saw Gaston sentenced to death. In the clear light of seven decades it seems likely that the perpetrator was Gaston’s grandson, 16 years old & probably drunk at the time, Roger Perrin.

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Last Thursday myself, Spud, Victor Pope & ex-Tinky Disco bandmate Al Roberts all made our bleary-eyed ways to Edinburgh airport for a 9.45 AM flight. Me & Spud always get wound up by Al leaving his house in a slow-shabby fashion, so opted to get to the airport ourselves – I took a tram & he the shuttle bus. Vic & Al shared an Uber without any mess-ups, which surprised us & proved a good omen to our week together on the road. As we stepped onto the tarmac to board our plane, the Scottish chill was fully raging & I was very much looking forward to a respite from the seemingly endless Caledonian winter.

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Gyptis choosing Euxene

A handful of hours later we were in Marseille & checking into our Air B&B right beside the Old Harbour, or Vieux Port. This was the spot where in 600 BC a guy called Euxene arrives from Phocae (an ancient part of Turkey) just in time for the local king’s daughter’s ‘choosing ceremony.’ In short, among a group of gathered suitors, Euxene was the one given a goblet of wine by princess Gyptis, who would later change her name to Aristoxenus. Euxene & Aristoxenus, now that’s already got the hallmarks of a conchord, I thought to myself, in the same way I thought that Gaston Dominici has a Motzartean ring about it. Looking at the Gyptis story at that point, tho, it unfortunately seemed a bit weak to make a conchord out of…

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Marseille with the lads was fun. Kicking back with a smart TV & cheap beer in the hypermodern flat or on the balcony overlooking the harbour, with the pointed cathedral rising on the central Marseille hill beyond. On the smart TV, we watched Netflix, played all our music videos, while Al could send to it our recent recordings – an album called the New Truth. I couldn’t help but notice the technological advancement of the species – the last time I was in Provence was 20 years ago & for fun me & my pal, Bryn, ended up making a chess board out of paper & stones. Here’s an extract from my journal of that time.


May 10th, 2000

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We woke up proper spangled, but a quick dip in the exquisitely cool pool proved enough of a respite from our frail noggins & we were able to pack & head out to Cannes. It was the first day of the festival & full of noisy Yanks, so we soon got out of dodge, striking inland on a bus to Grasse, a lovely town stacked high against the hillside. We had a couple of hours to kill so wandered around a bit & to our delight found it very swell, with lovely narrow streets & great prospects of the Cotes d’Azore in the distance.

After sending off our postcards we hopped on a bus north along La Route Napoleon. The view was spectacular as we climbed & wound thro’ the mountains, each one clad in trees giving a baize effect, & I could imagine Napoleon & his column following the same road. A rapid mist descended, however, followed soon after by heavy rain which showed no intention of letting up as we were unceremoniously dumped in the wee hamlet of Seranon. We dived into the only bar around for shelter & refreshment, obtaining a few funny looks off the funny looking locals.

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In the days before group emails & blogs

Eventually we found out the bus north didn’t leave til the morning, so we were stuck. We didn’t fancy putting the tent up in the rain so opted for a hotel. A friendly couple drove us a half mile down the road to their mate’s hotel, which was closed. Luckily the mustached madame opened it up for us (a whole hotel to ourselves), but we were forced to share a double bed (with pants on obviously). As soon as we paid our 15 francs the sun came out & we heaved a table up to the roof, bought wine, cheese, bread & sausage & had a most pleasant supper among the mountains. It was cool, me musing & Bryn sketchin’ & it felt nice to be doing spot of real travelling, the only sound being the constant chuckle of crickets. Bryn very correctly brought up the point we were stuck in a one horse dive & had less than two days to get to Venice, but I re-assured him all would be reyt. We made a chess-board out of paper & stones & played to the setting of the sun, before all the wine & well-thought-out moves took their toll & sent us both a-slumbering.


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At a monument to Rimbaud, Marseille seafront

Fastforward to 2020, on our first full day in France – Brexit day as it so happened – we enjoyed a daytime riviera stroll, followed by a wicked night out at bohemian La Plaine – a very funky part of Marseille. Drinking & dancing & downing tequilas, we met an English busker called Charlie, & his Slovakian girlfriend. The gods had answered our pleas, & he actually had 3 guitars. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t steal them – it’ll be too expensive to check them into our flights back,’ put him off from coming round for a jam, but he agreed to meet us the next day for a wee busk.

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It was more than a joy the following afternoon to find ourselves all jamming together by Marseille harbour to the infinite delight of the locals. Our immediate audience consisting of an annoying kid who kept banging the guitars, a Czech street lassie & a Parisenne rock-chick who finds Marseille a cheaper place to live. Before then, I’d taken a solo morning mission up to Allauch, a hilltop village right on the edge of the Marseille conurbation. It was at the old castle, even higher still, that I filmed the following Pendragon Poetry post, talking all about Conchordia.

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Allauch
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I was up in the hills as I’d read that a possible Gyptis object had been found in a hillside cave nearby. The curator of the slick local museum begged to differ, but I said I’m a poet & I didn’t want the truth to get in the way of a good story. Yes, a conchord was being born & on the way back to the appartment I googled a few Greek myths & found one, which I felt I could use – Alcyone and Ceyx. Basically, they offended the gods by calling themselves Hera & Zeus, & ended up being drowned & then turned into birds. A little creative furnace-burning later & I’d transmorped the myth into Euxene & Aristoxenus being turned into the the islands of Pomègues and Ratonneau which lie off the mouth of Marseille harbour. Like the Phaecean ship which carried Odysseus to Ithica being turned to stone.

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Alcyone & Ceyx
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Pomègues and Ratonneau

Compositionwise I only managed a few speeches from VIRIATHUS in Marseille – the second Senate scene – in the early morning before the boys woke up, mainly at a cafe by the harbour. I usually compose on my morning East Lothian walks with Daisy, accompanied otherwise only by nature and the essential headspace needed to really zone out. Not so easy in a busy city as ever. There was no way I was going to achieve my goal of finishing Viriathus on this trip & then starting ‘The Flight of the White Eagles, ‘ – my conchord about the retreat from Moscow – the notes for which I worked intensively on before I set off. Still, they are all in the bank & Viriathus should be finished within days. I’ll be recreating the antics & dashing chit-chat of Seargant Bourgogne soon enough!

Capture

We left Marseille the next day, the sunshine heating up, arriving by train at the Durance valley & the station which serves La Brilliane & Oraison. The River Durance patches its way between them on a hugely wide stony river bed, with hills framing the scene on either side, & the snow-capped Alps closing the vista far to the north at Digne. Public transport round these parts is pretty neglible, & with it being Sunday afternoon no shops were open. Of that first of the two matters, we soon hit paydirt. After walking over the bridge to Oraison, beyond the frustratingly closed intermarche, we came to a carpark where I asked a lovely fella could he take us to Dabisse, & he agreed gladly.

IMG_20200202_180849.jpgDabisse is a wee village with a bar & a bus stop kinda thing. The bar was well busy, tho, its car park full of temporary pebbledash for a meeting of the region’s petanque teams. It was a really serendiptous, masonic, monastic moment listening to the clink-clinks & murmours of the play. Getting a carry-out together we went back to our villa & gorged on the food previous Air B&B-ers had left behind – a severe stroke of luck for a hungry bunch on a Sunday.


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Ah, the good old days! Roll on a nigh decade & I found myself composing Viriathus, drinking wine by the pool of a plush villa in Provence. We had a look at the pool, but soon covered it up again – early February means a bit of algae & no need for pool-use, I guess.

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The fridge was now full. We’d hitched a lift to Oraison in the morning off the lovely John Christmas (real name Jean-Noel), stocked up at the supermarket, then caught a taxi back to Dabisse for the day. And what a day, far from the Scottish chill and ended by a walk with Al for a sunset view over the Durance valley.

Some of those 21 degree sun-soaked, Senate-based Viriathus lines composed by the pool read like this ;

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Galba
Senators of our majestic city
& many other regions in its stride,
This treaty is, in the highest degree,
Dishonorable to all we stand for,
Staining Servilianus’ career,
Viriathus is a craved barbaric,
Beheading, disembowelling at will,
A bandit on an unsubsistive soil –
To him a border is a line to cross
To empty beaten innocents of blood
& topple pillars, pillaging obscene.

Lupius
Obscene? Objection! You paint him monster,
Humanity, his high ascendency,
Distributes unifying spiritus
That never in the passage of this war,
In armies of tribal variety,
Was ever spill’d sedition, all obey’d,
All fearless in the presence of danger –
As statesman he was neither humble-knee’d
Nor overbearing in leagues & treaties,
Faithful, exact, aequis, veritable,
Vir Duxque Magnus, ancient ideals
Penetrated atoms of existence,
& as the adsertur of Hispania
Let us assert our honour to his will
Make good his claims to the fame of the world,
Too many lost already in that place
We owe him our respect

Galba
We owe him death
The retributive slew for youth hard lost.

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So to yesterday – the ultimate object of this mission & a trip to La Grand Terre, the farmhouse of the Dominicis. It began in fine fashion with me & Spud arguing about how to get to Lurs – it was a case of his gammy leg versus my abundant energy & in the end the lads got a taxi & I walked the muddy Durance-side fields down to the bridge & back up the other side. I got to Lurs scrambling up its rocky slopes & arrived at its medieval core to see the lads waiting at the entrance. Once reunited we hit the old goat tracks down to the road, & using a little satnav orienteering came out at the very spot where the Drummonds were murdered. The poignant teddy bear shrine is testament to the locals’ indignation at the death of a child.

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Looking back from Lurs Terrace on the way I had walked – Dabisse is the village middle left & I walked by the Durance to the right of the photo
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Oraison is the town in the middle distance – I crossed the bridge there & walked to this point
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Approaching La Grand Terre

After La Grand Terre, I’d got it in my head that we could ford the Durance – Dabisse was more or less facing us on the other bank. The lads humoured me & watched me make tentative efforts on a scouting mission in the shallower bits – but the plan was soon aborted & we caught a taxi back. That night I ruminated in a Pendragon fashion on the Drummond murders & got a pretty plausible idea of what went on that night – which I’ll use in my composition.

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The next day we chilled in the sun til 2PM, caught a taxi to the station, then a train to Saint Antione, conducted a wee walk to our Air B&B off La Pennes Mirabeau, then caught the Rangers-Hibs game over beers. At 6AM we hired a lift off our landlord to the airport & we were finally in Edinburgh by 9.30 AM. On the flight I pretty much worked out the structure of the Dominic conchord – 4 acts with a cliffhanger ending each one – & began sketching it out on the inside cover of an Agatha Christie book I was reading on the holiday- A Pocketful of Rye. Just like Agatha I was going backwards from the ending, & there’s a chance I could have a wee Mousetrap on my hands if I get mi ‘ead down. With bangin’ tunes & Shakespearean blank verse, of course!

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Composing Conchordia: Vaulting The Lockdown (May 2020)

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After the completion of the Leithology quintology – which will soon be on sale on all platforms – & the composition of Viriathus & Malmaison, I felt THE FLIGHT OF THE WHITE EAGLES was going to be a real statement-maker. If I really do wanna emulate Shakespeare, I need definitive works with meaty bodies – a bit like Hamlet innit – & so turned to Napoleon’s infamous retreat from Moscow as the first of my major conchords. There’s a hell of a lot of drama obviously, & when it comes to stagecraft the visual deterioration of the soldiers will be a wonderful story to tell.

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With five acts of seven or so scenes each, all bubbling with blank verse & containing both original songs & songs drawn from the period itself, WHITE EAGLES definitely marks a placement of my muse on a Parnassian plateaux of sorts. No looking back now – ten down, 27 to go!

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LEITHOLOGY – Available in book form soon

I began researching WHITE EAGLES last year after reading the fabulous ‘Memoirs of Sergeant Bourgogne.’ From this first catalyst – I was very verteux at the time – I began to research other memoirs up in the National Library of Scotland, such as those of Caulaincourt, & set to work on the composition period not long after my return from Provence sometime in mid-February. Then the Lock Down happened. I don’t need to rattle on about it, everyone’s experiencing it. I’m lucky tho’ – I walk dogs with my girlfriend which meant I could to & fro between my places in Edinburgh & East Lothian for ‘work that cannot be done from home‘ – the dog numbers had drastically plumetted, but there was enough to make it valid & of course meant I could compose pretty much anyway I liked – from the Lammermuirs to Leith Links. Here’s a Walking East Lothian post I created during the Lock Down.

Musically, WHITE EAGLES has been something of an educational dream, help’d along by my house-mate’s keyboard playing. By February I had a couple of tunes, but then began to write more & add local colour so to speak, translating from the French lyric into the English. Of my new songs THE BALLAD OF BORODINO is really beautiful I think, & THE GREAT NAPOLEON really fun – the Herod moment – my house mate incorporating the Tetrislike theme tune into via some techno rave from the 90s via Hicksy & Sharky. He also fell in love with Plaisir D’Amour & Compere Guillere.

The full list of songs is below, with astersks denoting my own compositions)

The Sable Raven – English version
Marlbrough is Going To war – English version
Plasir D’amour
Parisienne Skies (*)
On Va Leur Percer Le Franc
The Blood of Borodino (*)
Pomme de Terres (*)
Compere Guillere – French Version
Song of the Loricated Legion (*)
My Handsome Husband (*)
Soarin’ Home (*)
Chant du Depart
Crossing the Bridge (*)
The Great Napoleon (*)
Compere Guillere – English version (*)
Au Clair de la Lune
Le Depart Du Bologne
The March from Moscow (*)

Theatrically, there are a lot of parts – three main bodies of 8-10 characters; Napoleon & his entourage, Bourgogne’s company & the Russian partisans. There’s also another 20 or so walk-in parts, plus the crossing of the Berezhina bridge to depict – but whenever WHITE EAGLES does get performed everyone’s gonna JUST love it!

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Artistically, WHITE EAGLES is the bag daddy to Malmaison, but together they form a very good account of Napoleon’s life. Like I said at the start, it also represents the foot-scrambling heave onto the plateaux from where the rest of my conchords will be composed.

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The first of this new bunch is GODS OF THE RING & I’m extremely excited about it. The principle subject is the four fights between Ali, Foreman & Frazier, & all the dramas before, during, after & between the fights. The names of these epic combats have gone down in history – THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY, THE SUNSHINE SHOWDOWN, THE RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE & THE THRILLA IN MANILLA. Like White Eagles I’ve already got two tunes in the bank, a theme tune & the sublime, best song I’ve written in ages, BLACK POWER. I’ve been compiling the notes in the past few days, the bulk of which were studied for in the National Library just before the Lockdown.  I’m gonna print out the first notes today & get composing soon after.

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With White Eagles taking just over three months, & June the 1st on the horizon, I’ve got a feeling that every new conchord is gonna take a season – so Gods of the Ring is the conchord of the summer of 2020 – the weird summer, the one where the theatres were closed. For me, I think I’ll be spending some of it hopefully in Greece, where the next of these windows into my workings will be composed.


Songs From GANGSTALAND


DIAMOND GEEZERS

FUNKABILITY

GANGSTALAND

LETS GET IT ON

REAL DEAL

TROUBLE

FAFFAN CULO

FUNKABILITY (reprise)


DIAMOND GEEZERS

Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos

Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number

Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser

All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser

Archie
So whats the meaning of life

Lily
Whats the key to your story

Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

———-

FUNKABILITY

Don Vito
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace
I always wear the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Maria & Laura
They call him Mr Dandy
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all those girls around
Who say

Maria & Laura
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me

Don
I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy

Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me
Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality

Don
Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy


GANGSTALAND

Archie
Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe
Took a little drive to the harbourside
Gon’ meet me a mobster man

Archie & Charlie
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Enter Allessandro & Luigi

Charlie
Roll, roll, I got my dough
Give it all away for a bag of blow
But when that mobster turns around
There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground

Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Allessandro & Luigi
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

All
From Paris, France, ter
The sunny Cotes d’Azor
Who’d wanna be a gangster
When they go to war

Archie
What the fuck are ya doin

Allessandro
Your time has come Inglesi peeg!

Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie / Mafia Boys exit with cash

Charlie
<crawling across floor to Archie>
Frown, frown, my captain’s down
Gotta get him back on my back to town
I’ll lead my captain by the hand
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood
We might fade away that’s understood
But not if one of us can stand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Charlie
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war


LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro’ the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!


REAL DEAL

MC
Monkey to the West, monkey to the East
Something going on in the call of yer mind
Cos theres a whistle posse cryin for peace
Everybodys grooving to the thrill in your mind

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

MC
It’s so hot, burnin’ like a sauna
If ya call yer mother y’know she’ll disown yer
Everybody’s happy, the club’s like a beach
There’s a simple presence that we’re tryin to preach

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Enter Nelson & TC

TC
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body x2

Nelson
It’s so sharp, sharper than a razor
It gives a little sizzle when ya dip in the sea
& it cut some ice, cut it like a lazer,
Everybodys digging who ya tryin to be

MC
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Ravers
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

Nelson
Deep & fat, dirty & funky
Sing it like a cat or swing it like a monkey
What ya do with yer time is yer own design
Everybodys groovin to the thrill in yer mind

Harmony 1
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal

Harmony 2
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body

Harmony 3
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

***


TROUBLE

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days

Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days


FAFFAN CULO

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey

Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay


 

 

GANGSTALAND: Scene 1

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PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 1: City’s Pad, Leith

 City is racking up a line of coke. The buzzer rings.

City
Who’s that then?

Lily
{intercom}
Babe, its Lily

City
Nice one – come up

City buzzes Lily in, goes to finish the line of coke, then goes to open the door. Enter Lily & Nelson.

City
{upset}
Lily

Lily
There, there honey, whats up

City
Its Daddy – he’s broken Larry the Axe’s legs

Lily
So the wedding’s off

City
Of course it is – I’m hobbling down the aisle with no man, for no man

Nelson
That’s a shame, I liked Larry, he’s cool

City
Not as cool as you Nelson, watching you two together, what you have, it made me realise I can do better

Buzzer goes

City
Aw fuck

Lily
Who’s that?

City
I think it’s my dad

Don
{intercom}
Lemme in City, there’s a good girl

City
I don’t want to see you

Lily
What ya doing, nobody says no to the Don not even his precious daughter

City
Ya right – sorry dad, do come up

Don
{intercom}
Cheers treacle

City
Fuck’s sake

Lily
I warned you about Larry the Axe, didn’t I – I told you your dad couldn’t stand him

Enter Don with Archie, Charlie & Bulldog


DIAMOND GEEZERS

Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos

Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number

Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser

All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser

Archie
So whats the meaning of life

Lily
Whats the key to your story

Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)


Don
Why are you ignoring my calls, Felicity, what is the problem

Lily
Don, how could you do what you did to Larry the Axe

Don
I don’t give a flying fack wot you fink Lillian, that imbecile was definitely not right for my baby girl

City
That’s not up to you to decide, tho, is it? I tell you who’s not right – YOU! – you’re not right in the fuckin’ head!

Don
I did not like the way that little toerag was sleazing all over ya – he had hands like an octopus

City
But he’s my fiance

Don
He was your fiance

City
I wish we never moved to Scotland – that’s the third one you’ve nobbled this year…

Don
It’s them Jocks lav, I aint met one good enough for my princess yet – just wait & see, one day a nice English fella’s gonna sweep you off your feet

City
{checks out Nelson}
Maybe… but some of the Scots are alright Dad… Sound geezers

Don
That may be so, baby doll, but we wont be here long, we’re not stoppin… no offence, Charlie

Charlie
None taken

Archie
Dad’s right, sis, as soon as he smoothes it over with the Robson brothers, we’ll be back in the manor before you know it

City
I don’t know why we never went to Marbella

Don
You know very well the Spanish authorities were sniffing abaht all over the gaff – It’s too hot out there at the moment

City
Well, its fucking freezing in Leith – you’ve condemned me to a life of pointelle vests
{optional line for Scottish actress}
& I cannae stop blethering in this daft accent

Lily
Don, come on, I respect you & everything, but can’t you see she’s upset – this is not a good time

Girls cuddle up

Nelson
Maybe you should go, mate

Don
Who the fuck are you?

Lily
This is Nelson, he’s my new boyfriend

Don
Nelson, eh… well I like the cut of your gib, son – I’ve never met anyone with the balls to tell me to fack off before – where ya from kid

Nelson
Peebles

Don
Peebles, where the fuck’s Peebles! Nevermind, they me call the Don, the Don, & any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine, & if you’re a friend of mine you’ll be safe around Leith, alright

Nelson
Its good to meet you, sir

Lily
Don is one of the biggest gangsters
{Don coughs}
I mean one of the biggest businessmen in Edinburgh

Don
That’s right – I was once like you Nelson, a complete fucking scumbag, but now, well, let’s just say I’m socially mobile, so whadda you do

Nelson
What, like a job?

Don
Yeah

Nelson
I’ve just quit one actually – I was working in a shitty factory

Don
Do you wanna work for me?

Nelson
What?

Don
I’ll pay you a decent wdge

Nelson
What does it involve?

Don
Well — basically, one of my business associates has just had an unfortunate mishap with a sledgehammer
{City wails}
Problem is, he was due to run mea little errand – all my other boys are tied up at the moment

Nelson
Eh, what exactly will I have to do?

Don
Its simples, you just fly over to Italy for a couple of days

Nelson
Italy

Don
Yeah, Italy… you fly over there, give someone a package from me, & fly back home, simples

Nelson
I’m not a mule, Don, I’m not running drugs

Don
Nah, nah, nah, nah – its nothing like that, basically I need to be able to hand deliver something – something close to my heart – a token of my sincerity – it’s a traditonal trust motif between businessmen

canva-brown-paper-parcel-MACpafrzAgs.png

Nelson
Well, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad – & Italy, I’ve always wanted to go Italy

Don
Yeah, a little holiday in the sun, you’ll love it – can you leave this this evening?

Nelson
That’s a bit soon, innit

Don
You got a problem with that?

Lily
You can’t really say no Nelson

Nelson
I can’t

Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
We wouldn’t advise it

Nelson
Well, in that case, I guess I’m off to Italy, woo-hoo

Don
Good choice, boy, good choice – this is my son, Archie, he’ll sort out the package for ya

Archie
Come with me

Nelson
Right
{to Lily}
Well, I guess I’ll see you later, babe

Lily
You’ll be fine – bring us back a nice handbag or something

Lily & Nelson embrace

City
Nice to meet you hamdsome

Nelson
You too Felicity

Archie
Oi! Bawbag, hurry up

Nelson
Alright, alright, I’m coming

Exit Nelson & Archie

Don
Everyone quiet a minute
{on the phone}
Hello, Mr Vito, is that you, nice one – Listen, I’m sending over someone different tonight… yeah… yeah… look after him will ya – he’ll have it – you too Mr Vito –bye, bye, yeah, yeah, ciao, ciao

City
Right, all of you out

Lily
You heard her boys, off you trot

Don
Alright, alright – Charlie!
{Charlie offers City a grand in cash}
This is to say I’m sorry about Larry the Axe… theres a couple of grand there – buy yourself something nice or something

City
I don’t want your dirty drugs money, dad. I want Larry the Axe

Archie
Come on, dad, she’ll calm down later

Don
Yeah, Alright son, lets go… City I’ll see you later… love ya treacles

Exit the men, Lily comforts an emotional City


(GL) Scenes 2-4

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SCENE 2: Don Vito’s flash villa in Italy

Don Vito is working out to disco music with Maria & Laura

FUNKABILITY

Don Vito
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace
I always wear the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Maria & Laura
They call him Mr Dandy
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all those girls around
Who say

Maria & Laura
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me

Don
I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy

Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me
Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality

Don
Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy


Don Vito
Allessandro

Allessandro whispers in Don Vito’s ear

Don Vito
Ah Benvenuto in Italia! Sono Don Vito

Nelson
Eh?

Don Vito
You do not speak-a de Italian

Nelson
Sorry, no

Don
Well, let me start again – welcome to Italy – I am Don Vito

Nelson
Very pleased to meet you Mr Vito, it’s an honour

Don Vito
Piaceri – you are here on Donaldo’s business, si?

Nelson
I am, Mr Vito

Don Vito
So you have something for me

Nelson
{handing over a package}
Yes Mr Vito, its in there

Don Vito
Grazie
{getting a teddybear out of the package}
Ah – bella – it is the famous Eduardo – Donaldo tells me he love-a this bear since he was a bambino, si. Now I-a love heem for loving this bear, & I love-a you for bringing this bear to me – molto, molto, molto, molto grazie – cosi, are you hungry, you wanna some-a food-a

Nelson
Well, I‘m starving, actually

Don Vito
Va bene – mangia!

Don Vito clicks his fingers / Maria & Laura bring out a table, chair, pizza & wine

Don Vito
Mi scusi
{makes a call}
Ah Donaldo – your teddy bear bringa de tears to my eyes-a – everything will happen as we were discussing, the boat will be a-leaving the Netherlands tomorrow night – & you too Donaldo, ciao, ciao
{hangs up phone}
Nelson, I must-a take-a da care of some-a business – my girls will look after you – this Maria, & this is Laura

Nelson
Ladies – thank you for your hospitality Mr Vito

Don Vito
Niente, niente, ciao

Exit Don Vito

Maria
So, Nelson, what would you like-a to do now you are in Roma, the most beautiful city in the world

Nelson
I’ve always wanted to see the Trevi Fountain

Maria
Of course – it is a very beautiful place! Va bene – eat your food, then andiamo

Nelson
Andy who?

Laura
Andiamo – lets go

Nelson
My names not Andy, its Nelson

Laura
Nooo – in Italian andiamo means ‘lets go’

Nelson
It does, sorry about that – you got any ketchup

Maria gestures to Laura to get ketchup then stares at Nelson as he eats

Maria
You Ingleesh eat-a like-a the peegs

Nelson
I’m nae English, doll, I’m fae Scotland

Nelson tucks into his food like a hungry Highlander


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SCENE 3: The Docks

A stormy night / Charlie & Archie enter a scruffy lock-up

Archie
Nice…

Charlie
Missing yer palace are ya Archie boy

Archie
Fack off – anyways, chop em aht before them Sweeneys get ere

Charlie
Sweeneys?

Charlie
Y’know – Sweeneys, Benito Mussolinis

Charlie
Eh?

Archie
You know the Wops, the Itis, the Mafia boys

Charlie
O yeah… big fat line do ya

Archie
Sweet as mate

Charlie starts chopping out the lines / Sound of a boat’s engine

Archie
Whats that?

Charlie
They’re here

Archie
Look ‘ard

Charlie & Archie snort a line of coke

GANGSTALAND

Archie
Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe
Took a little drive to the harbourside
Gon’ meet me a mobster man

Archie & Charlie
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Enter Allessandro & Luigi

Charlie
Roll, roll, I got my dough
Give it all away for a bag of blow
But when that mobster turns around
There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground

Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Allessandro & Luigi
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

All
From Paris, France, ter
The sunny Cotes d’Azor
Who’d wanna be a gangster
When they go to war

Archie
What the fuck are ya doin

Allessandro
Your time has come Inglesi peeg!

Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie / Mafia Boys exit with cash

Charlie
<crawling across floor to Archie>
Frown, frown, my captain’s down
Gotta get him back on my back to town
I’ll lead my captain by the hand
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood
We might fade away that’s understood
But not if one of us can stand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Charlie
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war


Archie
Aaahhh! I’m in pain, Charlie, lots of pain

Charlie
Come on son, hang in there, I’ll get ya home

Archie
Am I gonna make it, Charlie, give it to me straight

Charlie
Course you are, kid, course you are

Archie
I’m fucking bleeding to death here Charlie

Charlie
You’ll be alright son, hold in there

Exit Charlie & Archie verbalising his pain quite profusely


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SCENE 4: The Don’s garden

The Don is arranging a wreath with a pair of secateurs / Bulldog arrives holding a classy phone on a silver tray

Bulldog
Phone call boss

Don
Who is it?

Bulldog
Percy the Knife

Don
What does that little runt want… tell him I’m busy arranging a wreath for my boy’s funeral & I do not appreciate being disturbed… alright

Bulldog
But boss, he says it’s really important… he’s adamant you’ll wanna hear what he’s gotta say

Don
Give it here – Hello… I know it’s you Percy, whaddayawant – are you sure… whereabouts – Did you follow him… Why not ya fackin imbecile… yeah, alright – O & Percy – if you see him again… stab him…
{hangs up}
CHARLIE!

Enter Charlie with his left arm in a sling

Charlie
You alright boss?

Don
You won’t believe this – Ooo! Nelson’s back… he’s just been spotted on a fucking tram – Ooo! the nerve of the – Ooo! The little… is he takin the piss or samfink – I mean, I take him under my wing, give him a job, a proper one n’all, he gets to travel to Italy on my good name, not to mention my good money, & nah, not only has he gone & set me up with those, with those… gangsters! Nah he’s back in town, bold as brass, swanning abaht like naffinks happened, taking the facking piss

Charlie
It’s hard to know who to trust these days, eh Don?

Don
Yeah – I trusted him like my own son, now my own son is dead because of that trust

Bulldog
It’s worse than what Prince Charles did to lady Di with that Camilla slag

Don
It definitely is Bulldog – I dint fink he ad it in ‘im – I must be getting sloppy in my old age, losing my sense of judgement – at least I can trust you boys – I’m sorry you got shot Charlie… how ya feeling

Charlie
A bit sore boss, mi arms a bit fucked, but I’m alright

Don
Right enough to do a job

Charlie
Aye

Don
Well I want him… an I want him nah

Charlie
You got it

Don
& Charlie

Charlie
Aye

Don
{giving Charlie a gun}
I don’t gave a flyin fack if he’s breavin… awright

Charlie
I’ll get on it straight away boss

Don
Rubbish… ya gotta have samfink to eat first… build yer strength up… jellied eels do ya… Bulldog

Bulldog offers a bowl of jellied eels from a fancy pot

Charlie
{turning nose up}
Not today boss, they don’t agree with my antibiotics – doctor’s orders

The Don
Nah warries – well, good luck son

Exit Charlie / the Don gets back to pruning his bush


(GL) Scene 5



SCENE 5: City’s Pad

City is at home, alone, chopping out a line of coke / the intercom buzzes

City
Who’s that?

Nelson
Alright City, its Nelson

City
Nelson? Do come up

Enter Nelson wearing an Italian hand-bag

Nelson
How’s it going

City floors Nelson with a handy mallet

Nelson
What the fuck? Come on City, back off

After a tussle Nelson wrestles an agitated City to the floor

Nelson
Have you gone mental or what!?

City
How dare you… how could ya… why, why would ya

Nelson
What ya on about… I’ve done nothing

City
Naffink… how about setting my dad up with them murderous Wops

Nelson
Wops? What… Don Vito

City
Yeah, that’s the prick

Nelson
Nah… not Don Vito… he’s a disco-dancing gangster

City
Well, this diamond geezer o’ yours has just killed my little brother

Nelson
Whoa! Archie’s dead

City
Yep

Nelson
Chill out City! Look me in the eyes – do you think I would honestly get involved in something like that – I’m gonna stand up now… the bats over there… if you don’t believe me, use it!

City
It’s not a bat, it’s a mallet you muppet!

Nelson lets City go / she grabs mallet then pauses

Nelson
You gonna tell me whats going on?

City
Because of my mate Lily you got the best job in mi dad’s organisation, his fucking liaison officer, swanning off round the friggin’ world, all expenses paid, & all you could do is betray the family

Nelson
What are you on about – what exactly happened to Archie?

City
Well, Charlie & Archie were dahn the docks meeting your so-called mates – anyway, those fackin Wops decide to shoot everyone up & do a runner with the reddies & all the fucking coke

Nelson
Shit! I don’t know what to say… Don Vito seemed sound as fuck

City
So, you really knew nothing about it

Nelson
Too fuckin right I knew nothing about it

City
He’s a facking gangster, Nelson, of course he’s facking dodgy – in this game the only people you can really trust are the members of your own family – & I’ve just gone & lost the one I trusted most, my beautiful bravver, Archie

Nelson
Talk about fucked up – this time last week I was safe & sound in Peebles – I’d never even seen Edinburgh, let alone been to Italy. But, there’s no chance now I’m ever going back, Peebles is shit. I’m staying in Edinburgh now, & whatever happens I gotta sort it out with the Don.

City
You’re ‘avin a fackin laugh aintcha, my dad would have you killed the moment he saw you -listen, its Archie’s funeral tomorrow, I’m all over the place, have a drink with me, Moet & Chandon, very expensive

Nelson
Why not, I deffo need a drink after all these revelations – its madder than Death In Paradise

City pours him champagne

City
Cheers – let’s have a cheeky line as well
{City starts chopping out the lines}
You know, Lily’s a lucky girl, to find a guy like you, you’re cute & clever… a proper lush combo

Nelson
Thanks, but speaking of Lily – where the fuck is she – she’s just vanished

City
Ask TC

Nelson
TC?

City
Yeah, she bolted to his the night it kicked off… she was in a right old state – we had a wee chat, didn’t speak long, & I haven’t heard a tinkle from her since – she’s even off her facebook

Nelson
& her twitter, snapchat, messenger, instagram & her whats app – I’ve tried ’em all

City
Yep, very weird

Nelson
{getting up}
I’ve gotta find her

City
What’s the rush? Do you not fancy chilling for a bit, tell me all about your trip, I could do with the company

Nelson
I’d love too… you know I would… but I can’t…

City runs to the front door / locks it / Nelson laughs & walks to City

Nelson
Come on City, dont mess us about, give me them keys

City
{putting them down her bra}
Why dont you get em yerself

***

LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro’ the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They are just about to kiss when the Intercom buzzes

Nelson
Don’t answer it

City
It might be Lily

Nelson
In that case, definitely don’t answer it

City
Who’s that?

TC
Alright City, darlin, its TC, let us in

City
Hey TC come up

Nelson
How does he do that?

City
We’ll carry on where we left off later, right

Nelson
Ehm, about that, I think we got a bit carried away there – that coke of yours is pretty strong

City
That wasn’t the coke, Nelson, that was our chemistry

TC starts banging on the door

City
Hang on, hang on – shit where’s my keys, I can’t find them

Nelson
I think they’re down, ehm

City
Oh, yeah

City opens the door

TC
Alright City, hey Nelson, what the fuck are you doing here?

Nelson
I’ve just got off the plane

TC
If I were you I’d jump on the first flight back – you do know you’re a dead man walking

Nelson
So I’ve heard – but listen man, honesty, I never knew those Mafia Boys were up to nae good

TC
Of course you didn’t, mate, you’re too fucking stupid to pull a heist that slick – but there’s blood on somebody’s hands & unfortunately, your fingerprints are all over the shooter – say, is that a little changa I see before me

City
Help yourself

TC
Sound

Nelson
So TC, have you seen Lily

TC
Lend us a card

Nelson
{getting out his bank card}
Where is she

TC
How do I know?

Nelson
Yer a good guy TC, but sometimes yer go too far with that funny shit…

City
He knows where she is

TC
Alright, alright…she’s staying with me, but she won’t be in tonight, thou’, she’s off to Glasgow… says she’ll be back tomorrow

Nelson
What’s she doing in Glasgow

TC
{snorting coke}
She never said

Intercom buzzes

City
Fuck’s sake – who’s that?

Charlie
Let us in Felicity

City
Shit – its Charlie

Nelson
Well tell him you’re not in or summat

City
It’s a bit late for that – what do you want Charlie

Charlie
Its yer dad’s business

City
Hang on a minute, let me just get dress’d – what do I do

TC
I don’t know about you, but he needs to get out of here pronto

City
The kitchen window leads out back

TC
Nice one… Nelson come on, let’s do one

City
Where ya going

TC
We’ll be down the Bongo Club, Erb & Ting are on

Nelson & TC leave / buzzer still going

City
Awright keep yer hair on… in yer trot

Enter Bulldog & Charlie

Charlie
Where is he?

City
Who?

Charlie
Don’t take the piss… I know Nelson’s back in Leith & odds on he’s been here…

City
Aint seen him

Charlie
Whats all this then? Two glasses ! Looks like you’ve had company, sweetheart – Bulldog, have a shifty

City
One of my girlfriends popped round for a glass of wine & lines – she left about five minutes ago – anyway, how dare ya burst into my house & start shoutin yer maath off like that… I don’t have to explain myself to you – just wait til my dad hears about your antics

Charlie
{picking up bank card}
My antics? I think he’ll be more interested in hearing about this – Nelson’s fuckin bank card – what a coincidence, eh? – tell me where he is & we’ll say no more about it

Bulldog
‘E’s not here boss

Charlie
Any ideas?

Bulldog
He could be with TC

Charlie
Of course, what am I thinking – shite attracts shite dunnit, & the pair of them act like a couple of fackin buffters

Bulldog
There’s a rave down the Bongo tonight boss

Charlie
Yeah, yeah, that’s where they’ll be alright

City
Nah, nah, TC’s left town for a few days, & Nelson’s gone back to Peebles, he says, to see his gran, she’s ill or summat

Charlie
Lyin bitch – if you weren’t his daughter, I swear…

City
Well I am… so, what that fuck ya gonna do about it, big man

Charlie
A headfuck without the bodyfuck… whats the point

Bulldog
Lifes a bitch then yer marry one boss

Charlie
Exactly, now come on, let’s get down the Bongo

Exit Charlie & Bulldog


(GL) Scenes 6-9


Scene 6: Outside the Bongo Club

TC & Nelson are talking to the Bouncer

TC
Listen here you daft cxnt, why don’t you just f**k off and eat a bag of d*cks

Bouncer
& what did he say?

TC
Nuttin!… he just waddl’d off dinnee – I mean, I aint paid an Edinburgh City parking fine in ten years & I’m not gonna start now

Bouncer
Damn right! in you go lads – & I hope you’re not up anything tonight TC

TC
Would I?

TC shakes Bouncers hand as they go in / the bouncer opens his hand to find a red & blue ecstasy tablet

Bouncer
Red or blue? Red or blue? Sod it

Bouncer double drops


Scene 7: The Bongo Club

Erb & Ting are playing – Laura & Maria are among the ravers

REAL DEAL

MC
Monkey to the West, monkey to the East
Something going on in the call of yer mind
Cos theres a whistle posse cryin for peace
Everybodys grooving to the thrill in your mind

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

MC
It’s so hot, burnin’ like a sauna
If ya call yer mother y’know she’ll disown yer
Everybody’s happy, the club’s like a beach
There’s a simple presence that we’re tryin to preach

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Enter Nelson & TC

TC
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body x2

Nelson
It’s so sharp, sharper than a razor
It gives a little sizzle when ya dip in the sea
& it cut some ice, cut it like a lazer,
Everybodys digging who ya tryin to be

MC
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Ravers
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

Nelson
Deep & fat, dirty & funky
Sing it like a cat or swing it like a monkey
What ya do with yer time is yer own design
Everybodys groovin to the thrill in yer mind

Harmony 1
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal

Harmony 2
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body

Harmony 3
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

***

Nelson
Its kickin off tonight, big style

TC
Yeah man
{giving Nelson a few pills}
In case we split up

Nelson
I’m proper mash’d already me, these blue eccies are absolutely blindin – gimme some love bro
{they hug}
Talking of love – I love Lily, me, I really do love her, but bloody hell, it’s like the hen-do of the gods tonight

TC
Yeah, man, check out those two Latinos over there
{pullin out pills & pointing to Maria & Laura doing doing an erotic dance}
I might even get a chance to try out one of these babies

Nelson
What are those – viagra?

TC
Nah mate, Ketamagra

Nelson
Ketamagra, what the fucks that

TC
Horse viagra – they keep you up for days bruv, if you know what I mean

Nelson
Uugh – you’re a fuckin animal you – & yer got disco foam

TC
{wiping pasties with finger & thumb}
Is it gone?

Nelson
Nah mate

TC
{wiping furiously}
Gone nah?

Nelson
Yeah, looking good

TC
Sweet – so back to business, I’ve got a pocket full of bitch tokens & I wanna cash ’em in

They reach Maria & Laura

TC
Good evening ladies

Nelson
Maria! Laura!

Maria & Laura
Ciao Nelson!

Nelson
What the fuck are you doing here?

Maria
We are looking for Alessandro, have you seen him?

Laura
He’s-a meesing

Nelson
He’s missing as well! This shit is just getting crazier & crazier

TC
Sorry to interrupt ladies – I hope you don’t mind – but it appears that you all know each other?

Nelson
We met in Italy a couple of days ago – they’re Don Vito’s girls

TC
Wow, well, welcome to Scotland – my name’s TC
{kissing hands}
Now, why don’t you three find a table, & have a wee catch up – I’ll bring some drinks over, yeah, what are you having?

Laura
We like champagne

TC
{splurting out his drink}
Champagne…!?

Maria
Si, good champagne

Nelson
Just get the drinks TC… I’ll have a lager, here you are girls, lets take this table


Scene 7: Outside the Bongo

Barry the Bouncer is buzzing / City arrives running

Bouncer
Good Evening Felicity

City
Alright Barry – is TC in

Bouncer
He certainly is – he’s got some proper nice pills n’all, I’m buzzin mi tits off here

City
Very professional

Bouncer
In you go darlin’

City enters the club, Charlie & Bulldog arrive

Bouncer
Alright boys

Charlie
Bulldog!

Bulldog steps up eagerly & sparks out the Bouncer / He then grabs the Bouncer by shoulders & slaps him about a bit

Bulldog
He’s out cold

Charlie
Leave him

Bulldog
Still got it, aint I boss?

Charlie
You never lost it, Bulldog, you never lost it – now in we go, keep yer eyes peel’d


Scene 9: Nightclub

Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria are in deep discussion around a table, the rave is bangin’ all around

MC
Posse ready, posse go… hey hey hey!!
Posse ready, posse go… hoe hoe hoe!!

Enter City

City
Boys! Boys!

Nelson
City – are you alright?

City
Charlie knows you’re here – he’s on his way his down right now – he’s gonna be here any minute

Nelson
Fuck – what are we gonna do?

TC
We’re gonna get out of here, that’s what we’re gonna do

Nelson
But what about…

Laura
We go weeeth you

TC
Right lets skedaddle – we can get onto the Royal Mile thro’ the upstairs’ bit

Exit City, Nelson, TC, Laura & Maria / enter Charlie & Bulldog – jostled by ravers, checking everybody in club / causing trouble

MC
We aint got no time for no light-weight’s an no slaver chops, fuck keeping your trainers clean… let’s ave it… wait a minute – who are these fuckin wannabee bad boys messin up the vibes – donít come ‘ere an try & be Moses partin the rave sea…. get out of my fuckin club

Charlie snaps / draws gun from sling / roars / Lets rip at MC / the stunned MC drops behind decks / other ravers run out

MC
Security to the dancefloor – security to the dancefloor

Charlie lets off a few more rounds, when it stops clicking the MC gets up & dashes out

Bulldog
Bleedin ‘ell gav, ya’ve emptied ya clip… & the club…

Charlie
I fuckin hate dance music me – it sounds like someone’s kickin a drum kit doon a set of stairs

Enter Bouncer, raving

Bouncer
Alright boys – whats going on – why has the music stopped?

Bulldog
Can I do ‘im again boss, can I, can I?

Charlie
Nah, he’s done, & so am I – not to mention thoroughly piss’d off – come on Bulldog, let’s get out of here

Bouncer
Nice one lads! Top fuckin night!

Exit Charlie & Bulldog


(GL) Scenes 10-11



Scene 10: TC’s House

It is morning / a scene of party carnage / everyone is flaked out – a few snores / City is cuddling Nelson / enter Lily

Lily
{coughing}
What’s all this then

TC
Eehh!

City
Alright Lily babe

Lily
Alright babe, glad to see you’ve been getting to know my Nelson – Nelson – wake up – NELSON!!!

Nelson
Wha-wha-wha-wha… Lily – woah – so nice to see you

Lily
Well it’s certainly not nice to see you – look at the state of ya – & this place, its trashed – & who the fuck are these two

Laura
Laura

Maria
Maria

Lily
I can’t believe you lot have been partying at a time like this

TC
We got a bit carried away last night – emotions were running high, getting the better of us – sorry & all that – hey ladies, why don’t we go & get some coffee in the kitchen – leave these two alone

Maria
Certo

Laura
He is a very good boy your Nelson, he has a voice like an angel

Maria
& his eyes, incredibile! so addictive

Nelson
Thanks

Lily gives Laura & Nelson the look of doom

City
I can’t stay, its Archie’s funeral’s in a few hours, I’ll need to freshen up

TC
{hugging}
Alright City, take care… good luck today, yeah

City
Thanks – you’re coming down right

TC
Of course I’ll be there… come on girls

Exit TC, Laura & Maria

City
Take care Nelson, it’s been fun… Lily

Nelson
Bye

Exit City – Lily gives her a look of doom too

Lily
So, tell me, what exactly has been fun !?

Nelson
We were just hanging out, babe, no funny business or nothing – a wee sing-song here, a wee glass of bubbly there, it was fun

Lily
Yeah, it’s all fun & games with you innit, people are dying, dont you understand?

Nelson
Do you know whats going on, cos I fucking don’t, I still cant get my head around those Tallies killing Archie, then going awol with all the money & drugs – & those lassies you just met, they’re in town trying to track the Tallies down n’all

Lily
Makes sense

Nelson
What does

Lily
I’ll tell ya exactly what happened that night shall I

Nelson
I didn’t know those Mafia boys were bad apples… they seemed legit

Lily
They are legit, it’s all Charlie Boy’s doin

Nelson
Charlie?

Lily
Yeah – he’s a dirty double-crossin d**k

Nelson
How do you know that

Lily
Well, I wanted some coke didn’t I – so I rings up Archie didn’t I… he tells me to meet him down the docks, there’s a supply fresh off the boat he says – I’m like great, some decent cut before Charlie gets his grubby hands on it – so I pulls up outside this lock-up, yeah, & I see these two guys, Meditteranean types

Nelson
Tallies?

Lily
Yeah, probably, slick lookin fellas – anyway, they go inside & all of a sudden I hear gunshots – a minute later Charlie dumps two dead Italians in his boot & slams Archie in the front – he’s gushing out blood, man, it was well nasty – so I gets out of my car & runs over to see if I can help – suddenly Charlie turns on me & starts taking potshots – ne whizzed right by my fuckin head – I was lucky to survive.

Nelson
Fuck! He must have gone crazy or summat

Lily
No shit Sherlock – now listen to this

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Hello Lily, still on Restalrig are ya? Get the kettle on love, I’m only round the corner

Lily
Theres another one – ten minutes later – he must have been round my pad

{Charlie’s Voice Message}
Seems like you’ve flown the coup little birdy – well… I suggest you stay away cos if you start flappin about round here and singin my name … well lets just say that’ll be the last time the world hears your pretty voice

Nelson
So, Charlie’s been spinning everyone a bullshit sob story

Lily
Yep – fake news

Nelson
He must have even shot himself in the arm, mad fucker

Lily
Charlie by name, Charlie by nature, he’s evil on that stuff

Nelson
Come here babe, I promise I’ll protect yer, hes gonna have to come through me to get to you

Lily
That’s what I’m worried about

***

TROUBLE

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days

Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days

***

Nelson
{Getting his phone out}
I’ve gotta tell the Don what’s going on

Lily
Woaah, Woah, Woah! He won’t believe ya over the phone – ya gotta tell him face to face

Nelson
Face to face – I’ll be dead before I open my mouth

Lily
It’s the only way – you are going to the funeral

Nelson
Whose, Archie’s or mine

Lily
We’ve got no choice, the longer we leave it the more time Charlie has to nab us

Nelson
Fuck!

Lily
Look, there’s a charity shop round the corner, lets get you some decent formal clobber, you cant go to a funeral looking like that… Get your shoes on, I’ll meet you in the kitchen

Exit Lily

Nelson
{getting shoes on}
Go to the Big City, Brenda says, it’ll make a man of ya – there’s a bus leaving in five minutes, she says, get yourself on it – fer fucks sake

Exit Nelson


Scene 11: Leith Walk

 Malik’s Cafe / Bulldog & Charlie are sat at a table playing with their phones / Malik brings the breakfasts out

Malik
Here you go lads, on the house

Charlie
Thank you very much Malik, very gracious of you, a nice full Scottish breakfast, just what the doctor ordered

Bulldog
Nice one – but thats not a Scottish breakfast boss

Charlie
Course it is

Bulldog
Actually – it’s not – now take this tea here… it’s from India… that bacon yer about to stuff down yer neck…
<Charlie freezes with his fork>
That’s Danish… the toast is French
<Charlie pushes toast away>
The sausage is German…
<Charlie drops fork>
& the baked beans, well, they’re an American invention…
<Charlie gives up on breakfast & folds his arms>

Bulldog
You don’t want that boss

Charlie
Nah -you ave it… aint ‘ungry

Bulldog
So, what nah?

Charlie
To tell yer the truth I fink Nelson has slipped us an old Harry Houdini – besides, the funeral starts soon – we’d best be showing our face – finish yer breakfast sharpish – but no more beans, I dinnae want yer fartin in the car

Bulldog
I’ll just take some with me – hey Malik, you don’t have a doggy bag do ya

Malik stares at Bulldog in silence / Bulldog puts sausage & bacon in his pocket / drains mug of tea / Gangsters start to leave / Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas enter / there is a silent testosterone showdown at the door / Exit Gangsters

Malik
Don Vito! Don Vito! The menefreghista himself ! Its a most impecabble honour to have you here in my restaurant, sir

Don Vito
Si, si, si…. do you have the merchandise

Malik
Of course Mr Vito, can I get you a drink in the meantime – on the house of course – coffee, beer, anything

Don Vito
Just give me the fuckin guns

Malik
No problem, as long as yer don’t use em on me alright, ha-ha…so, its two grand each for ya shootahs & a hundred nicker for yer ammo

Malik opens a case full of Uzis

Don Vito
These are Uzis… I aska for the shotguns… with an Uzi there is not enough… how you say… pain!

Malik
It’s all I could do at such short notice Mister Vito

Don Vito
Okey-dokey – I take them

Malik
Good choice, good choice, you won’t regret it
{his phone rings}
Excuse me Mr Vito – Oi fuck off… I’ll call you later
{ends call}
Every fucker wants gans… all I ever hear… gans, gans, gans, gans, gans! Leith’s gone gun fucking mental

Don Vito
Antonio

Antonio gives Malik a load of cash / Malik begins to count it out

Don Vito
You need not count it… there is more than enough

Malik
If you say so Mr Vito

Don Vito
{sniffing gun}
I do – now we are ready – ready for revenge

***

FAFFAN CULO

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey

Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay

***

Don Vito
Andiamo! Andiamo

Malik
Andy who?

Exit Mafia Boys


(GL) Scene 12


Scene 12: Rosebank Cemetery

A priest, Don, City, Charlie, Larry the Axe (in a wheelchair) & Bulldog are chatting over Archie’s grave / The General & Brenda arrive

Don
General, thanks for coming

General
We wanted to pay our respects Don

Don
Means a lot, means a lot… welcome to Edinburgh Brenda, I’m sorry we couldn’t have met under better circumstances

Brenda nods & walks off with the General to join Charlie & Bulldog / City leaves the priest and walks over to Don, who is chatting to Larry the Axe

City
How are you coping dad?

Don
I’m awight baby doll… but yer bravver… he had the world at his feet he did… if I ever saw the greasy Wops wot dun it

City
Shhh! Daddy… not today… for Archie’s sake… we gotta be strong

Don
Yer right love… be… strong

Charlie & Bulldog walk over to the Don

Charlie
My upmost sympathies Don, he was a lovely boy

Don
Thank you… I appreciate ya comin Charlie… & you Bulldog

Bulldog
Had to be here boss

The Don
It makes yer proud to be a gangster, dunnit… the whole of the Edinburgh underworld has sent my boy a wreath…. here’s one off Percy the Knife & there’s another off Concrete Feet Pete. Even Jimmy No Fingers has sent one – he got his missus to write it obviously… I mean, he had a nasty to-do with Larry the Axe

Larry the Axe
Nasty… very nasty

Sicilian guitar music / enter Don Vito, Antonio & Lucas / Gangsters freeze as if to say ‘Who the fuck is that,’ then gather around the Don / Italians take three paces forwards & stop

Don Vito
Salve, Donaldo – I am a Don Vito… you keel-a my son… no?

Italians take three paces

Don
Ah, Don Vito… you killed my son… no?

Gangsters take three paces

Don Vito
No, Donaldo…you keel a mah son …si?! And now I must a keel you… no?

Italians take three paces / the Don stands face to face with Don Vito / All henchmen draw guns

Don
{with Italian accent, trying to ‘communicate’}
No…no…no…Don Vito…you… keela… my… sonna… See?…now I keelah you No?

Don Vito
Now you eensult me

Don Vito spits on the Don & the Italians guns go click / Don looks at spit, then Don Vito

Don
Gob on my fackin funeral suit widja?
{Gangster’s guns click – Don brings out bazooka}
You’re outgunned sonnyboy – Waltz in ‘ere takin all kind ov liberties wiv my patience…dintcha… well… cam on in… make yer fackin selves at home… cos this ‘ere cemetery is where you’re stayin

Enter Lily & Nelson, Laura & Maria

Lily
NOOooo!! Don’t shoot…

All gangsters turn to face Lily – guns remain pointing at each other

Don & Don Vito
{in unison}
Nelson!

All guns point at Nelson / Lily jumps in front of him

Lily
If you shoot him… you shoot me…

Don
I don’t have a problem with that

City
{joining Lily}
& me, dad

Lily
Nelson ain’t done anything… it was all… it was all… it was all Charlie, it was him who did for Archie, & the Iti boys, n’all – he killed them all

Laura & Felicity are telling the same story to Don Vito in Italian

Don
Charlie?

Charlie
Are you trippin love! Don’t listen to them Don, they’ve been up all night… raving… dont know their arses from their elbows boss

Don
Can everybody lower their guns… remember where you are… Don Vito, do you mind

Don Vito
{gesturing to his men to lower their guns}
No – I would like-a to hear-a da more

Don
Come on then, Charlie, whats all this about… cos I for one am a little bit confused

Charlie
They’ve absolutely lost it boss, too many pills, they’re off their faces

Don
But not too smashed too talk… Nelson, what have you got to say about all this

Nelson
It’s true man… Charlie set me up, he killed Archie, the Itis, he’s got all your coke Mr Vito, & all your cash, Don, that wound on his arm he gave to himself

Charlie
Woah… woah… woah… hang on… are you seriously saying I shot myself in the fuckin arm… what ya on aboot ya tool – I nearly died down them docks… it was a deadly ambush

City
Dad, just look at him – he’s got guilty cunt written all over his face

Charlie
Shut up you tart

Don
Hold it there me old! May I remind you that’s my little girl yer gobbin at… & at my boys funeral n’all…

Lily
{passing him her mobile}
Listen to this Don

Don listens to the message

Don
Charlie, I want a simple answer to a simple fucking question – I’ll ask you once, & once only… Did you kill my son?

Charlie
No boss… course I didnae… it was them fackin Wops

Don
Then how come they’re over here wantin to know what happened to their boys?

Lily
You’ve been rumbled Charlie, you murdering bastard

Charlie panics & shoots his gun / it just clicks

Don
Well! Well! Well! What have we here?

Charlie
{looking at the gun}
What the fuck!?

Bulldog
I swapped the clips in the car, Charlie, you’ve facking lost it, mate

Don
Bulldog, take him aht!

Bulldog floors Charlie with one punch – a clean KO

Bulldog
Still got it boss, aint I…

Don
Yer never lost it, son… I’ll take over from here

Laura & Maria start hitting on Bulldog / The Don stands over a KO’d Charlie / starts slapping him hard

Don
Wake up…. fucking wake up you trollop…

Charlie
What the… get off me!

City
Kick ‘im in the dick, daddy

Don
I’ll be doing better than sweetheart, don’t you worry abahy it… good morning sunshine – nah, I ain’t killed a man in … ooo… seven years… but fer you son, I’m coming out of retirement… Bulldog… fetch me my secateurs… I’m gonna prune this pansy

Charlie
I’m beggin ya, have mercy…that coke’s fucked me up… I didnae ken what I was doin…

Don
Yes you fuckin did – so, seeing as you took the crown jewel away from my family, I’m gonna take away your family jewels… get me… Bulldog

Bulldog passes secateurs…

Charlie
Don’t do it Don…. Please, I’m begging ya… NO!

Don snips – there is a scream / Don gives Don Vito the secateurs

Don
Didn’t want you to miss out on the fun Mista Vito…. Perhaps you’d like to have the other one… For ya son

Don Vito
Yes… I think I like-a dis plan

Charlie
NO!

Don Vito snips – there is a scream

Don
Get him out of here, we’ll deal with the rest of him later, find out what happened to our boys Mr Vito

Charlie is carried away / City approaches Don Vito

City
Are you not gonna introduce us

Don
Sorry, Mr Vito, this is…

City
…Felicity, & absolute pleasure to meet you

Don Vito
{kissing City’s hand}
Piaceri

City
Tell me, is there a Mrs Vito?

Don Vito
Purtroppo, there is no more-a Signora Vito – she died in a freak yachting accident off Calabria

Don
That is very sad, Mr Vito, y’know, I lost my own wife in accident

Don Vito
You did

Don
Yeah, she fell out of a big dipper on Southend Pier

City
I am so sorry to hear your loss Mr Vito – but, I’m available

Don Vito
Comme?

City
Why dont we two get married, form an alliance between our families

Don
City?

Don Vito
Hmmm – it is true you are a very beautiful woman

City
Thank you Mr Vito, you’re not so bad yourself – & I do know all about the business, I’ve been watching my daddy since I was a baby girl

Don Vito
Your daddy… Donaldo?

City
Yeah, this sugarlump of loveliness is my daddy

DV
Your sugar daddy?

City
No my real daddy!

Don Vito
Brava! In this case, I accept-a your proposal, we shall-a get married & we all make-a, how you say, fuck loads of money, si?

Don
Hang on a minute….

City
Daddy…

Don
Alright, alright, alright, you can marry Mr Vito, you’ve both got my blessing

Don Vito
Meriviglosa!

FUNKABILITY
reprise

Laura
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace

Maria
He always wears the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Antonio
They call him Mr Dandy

Lucas
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all the girls around
Who say

Maria, Laura, City, Lily & Brenda
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?

All
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

City
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you marry me
Why don’t you show me some of your sensuality

Don Vito
& my sexuality

Don
Welcome to the family

All
{musical number finish}
Alright!