PART 3 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY
SCENE 1: City’s Pad, Leith
City is racking up a line of coke. The buzzer rings.
City
Who’s that then?
Lily
{intercom}
Babe, its Lily
City
Nice one – come up
City buzzes Lily in, goes to finish the line of coke, then goes to open the door. Enter Lily & Nelson.
City
{upset}
Lily
Lily
There, there honey, whats up
City
Its Daddy – he’s broken Larry the Axe’s legs
Lily
So the wedding’s off
City
Of course it is – I’m hobbling down the aisle with no man, for no man
Nelson
That’s a shame, I liked Larry, he’s cool
City
Not as cool as you Nelson, watching you two together, what you have, it made me realise I can do better
Buzzer goes
City
Aw fuck
Lily
Who’s that?
City
I think it’s my dad
Don
{intercom}
Lemme in City, there’s a good girl
City
I don’t want to see you
Lily
What ya doing, nobody says no to the Don not even his precious daughter
City
Ya right – sorry dad, do come up
Don
{intercom}
Cheers treacle
City
Fuck’s sake
Lily
I warned you about Larry the Axe, didn’t I – I told you your dad couldn’t stand him
Enter Don with Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
DIAMOND GEEZERS
Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos
Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number
Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser
All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser
Archie
So whats the meaning of life
Lily
Whats the key to your story
Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Don
Why are you ignoring my calls, Felicity, what is the problem
Lily
Don, how could you do what you did to Larry the Axe
Don
I don’t give a flying fack wot you fink Lillian, that imbecile was definitely not right for my baby girl
City
That’s not up to you to decide, tho, is it? I tell you who’s not right – YOU! – you’re not right in the fuckin’ head!
Don
I did not like the way that little toerag was sleazing all over ya – he had hands like an octopus
City
But he’s my fiance
Don
He was your fiance
City
I wish we never moved to Scotland – that’s the third one you’ve nobbled this year…
Don
It’s them Jocks lav, I aint met one good enough for my princess yet – just wait & see, one day a nice English fella’s gonna sweep you off your feet
City
{checks out Nelson}
Maybe… but some of the Scots are alright Dad… Sound geezers
Don
That may be so, baby doll, but we wont be here long, we’re not stoppin… no offence, Charlie
Charlie
None taken
Archie
Dad’s right, sis, as soon as he smoothes it over with the Robson brothers, we’ll be back in the manor before you know it
City
I don’t know why we never went to Marbella
Don
You know very well the Spanish authorities were sniffing abaht all over the gaff – It’s too hot out there at the moment
City
Well, its fucking freezing in Leith – you’ve condemned me to a life of pointelle vests
{optional line for Scottish actress}
& I cannae stop blethering in this daft accent
Lily
Don, come on, I respect you & everything, but can’t you see she’s upset – this is not a good time
Girls cuddle up
Nelson
Maybe you should go, mate
Don
Who the fuck are you?
Lily
This is Nelson, he’s my new boyfriend
Don
Nelson, eh… well I like the cut of your gib, son – I’ve never met anyone with the balls to tell me to fack off before – where ya from kid
Nelson
Peebles
Don
Peebles, where the fuck’s Peebles! Nevermind, they me call the Don, the Don, & any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine, & if you’re a friend of mine you’ll be safe around Leith, alright
Nelson
Its good to meet you, sir
Lily
Don is one of the biggest gangsters
{Don coughs}
I mean one of the biggest businessmen in Edinburgh
Don
That’s right – I was once like you Nelson, a complete fucking scumbag, but now, well, let’s just say I’m socially mobile, so whadda you do
Nelson
What, like a job?
Don
Yeah
Nelson
I’ve just quit one actually – I was working in a shitty factory
Don
Do you wanna work for me?
Nelson
What?
Don
I’ll pay you a decent wdge
Nelson
What does it involve?
Don
Well — basically, one of my business associates has just had an unfortunate mishap with a sledgehammer
{City wails}
Problem is, he was due to run mea little errand – all my other boys are tied up at the moment
Nelson
Eh, what exactly will I have to do?
Don
Its simples, you just fly over to Italy for a couple of days
Nelson
Italy
Don
Yeah, Italy… you fly over there, give someone a package from me, & fly back home, simples
Nelson
I’m not a mule, Don, I’m not running drugs
Don
Nah, nah, nah, nah – its nothing like that, basically I need to be able to hand deliver something – something close to my heart – a token of my sincerity – it’s a traditonal trust motif between businessmen
Nelson
Well, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad – & Italy, I’ve always wanted to go Italy
Don
Yeah, a little holiday in the sun, you’ll love it – can you leave this this evening?
Nelson
That’s a bit soon, innit
Don
You got a problem with that?
Lily
You can’t really say no Nelson
Nelson
I can’t
Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
We wouldn’t advise it
Nelson
Well, in that case, I guess I’m off to Italy, woo-hoo
Don
Good choice, boy, good choice – this is my son, Archie, he’ll sort out the package for ya
Archie
Come with me
Nelson
Right
{to Lily}
Well, I guess I’ll see you later, babe
Lily
You’ll be fine – bring us back a nice handbag or something
Lily & Nelson embrace
City
Nice to meet you hamdsome
Nelson
You too Felicity
Archie
Oi! Bawbag, hurry up
Nelson
Alright, alright, I’m coming
Exit Nelson & Archie
Don
Everyone quiet a minute
{on the phone}
Hello, Mr Vito, is that you, nice one – Listen, I’m sending over someone different tonight… yeah… yeah… look after him will ya – he’ll have it – you too Mr Vito –bye, bye, yeah, yeah, ciao, ciao
City
Right, all of you out
Lily
You heard her boys, off you trot
Don
Alright, alright – Charlie!
{Charlie offers City a grand in cash}
This is to say I’m sorry about Larry the Axe… theres a couple of grand there – buy yourself something nice or something
City
I don’t want your dirty drugs money, dad. I want Larry the Axe
Archie
Come on, dad, she’ll calm down later
Don
Yeah, Alright son, lets go… City I’ll see you later… love ya treacles
Exit the men, Lily comforts an emotional City
The Conchordia Folio 
