Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie
Brenda Alright big man, help the homeless
Gadgie I I’m skint mate
Brenda No worries, have a good night
Gadgie I How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a job yer fuckin’ hobo
Exit Gadgie I, enter Nelson
Brenda Nelson!!
Nelson Alright Brenda, how’s tricks?
Brenda Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya
Nelson Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a proper pain-in-the ass
Brenda I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss
Nelson Lucky you
Brenda Spare any change?
Nelson What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack
Brenda Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted mi ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight
Nelson {giving change} Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week
Brenda You’re a star pal {Nelson starts drawing out his money} Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin’ to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember – wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes
Nelson Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time
Brenda I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night?
Nelson You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles
Brenda {standing up} Look, mate, since I got mi head together I’ve been thinking a lot about life & I’ve got a wee bit of advice for ya
***
TURNAROUND
Brenda Kid make a fresh start Let’s take the new road to walk down Cos you know in your heart That it’s time to leave your hometown It’s a big world out there Millions of girls your own age, horny, Let me tell you man I swear If I had the chance I would always keep on moving
Nelson I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears First they fill you with loans & then they kill your ideas Our planet – is waiting for us all
Brenda It’s time to turnaround (x 3) & head on down the loose track baby & never turnaround & think of home & then oh maybe You will find a finer place of liberty & life The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace To all your children & their children
Nelson I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams But our planet – is waitin’ for us all
Brenda It’s time to turnaround It’s time to turnaround It’s time to turnaround & hear the sound of your heart singin’ Come on boy leave ya friends & family & all the things you know It’s time to go, cos there’s A better life if you can find it & tho’ the road is lined with trials There’s mystery if you don’t mind it
Brenda & Nelson It’s time to (time to) turnaround It’s time to (time to) turnaround
***
Nelson Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?
Brenda The Big City kid, it’ll make a man o’ yer
Nelson The Big City – what, Glasgow?
Brenda Fuckoff – not Weegieland, that dump’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh
Nelson Edinburgh! Well, I’ve always thought I’d check it one day
Brenda Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin’ about visitin’ the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max
Nelson You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it
Brenda Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, brother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you jump on it
Nelson Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit
Brenda Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man
Nelson Y’know, I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah
Brenda Not to this bank though, I get all mi mail sent to the Barclays up the road
Nelson Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister
Exit Nelson / Brenda carries on busking
SCENE 2 – Edinburgh
A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus
Nelson Wow this is mental – look at the buildings – the hi-tech trams – the castle – the women!
TC Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from?
Nelson Some place ya never heard of
TC Just arrived have ya
Nelson Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus
TC Cool, they call me TC
Nelson Nelson
TC Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin’ ravin, you like to party
Nelson Sometimes
TC Well my mate’s just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam
Nelson What, ecstasy
TC Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass
Nelson Uuuugh
TC Dont worry, he used protection – now then, dya wanna try one or not
Nelson Go on then
TC Here you go pal – tell me what ya think
TC passes Nelson a pill
Nelson Uuugh – that tastes rank
TC That’s the MDMA that is, the bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right
Nelson I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin’ hell
TC Are you alright kid
Nelson I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – mi doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something
***
ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH
Nelson There’s nothing of this world Like a free & easy man He can do whatever he wants to & what he likes he’ll do Whatever, whenever he can I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’ Down the road, I hear my callin’ In the music that I’m singin’ man Its the only way to make the streets Your own
Because the way I’m feelin’ now I didn’t even know that it existed, The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy Brothers & my sisters & I might be a nobody But I’m the star o’ my own movie Up, down, turnaround I’m ultra-groovy high
TC Wooah kid… are you alright
Nelson No, mate, I’m really suffering
TC Shit, sorry
Nelson Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter
TC Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?
Nelson Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here
TC Wicked, I might try one myself
Nelson What, have you never tried these before
TC Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half
Nelson Ya cheeky bastard
TC Cheeky’s my middle name kid
Nelson I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways In my bliss’d-out sister love haze & I’m a-driftin thro my drug days & the super-shlinky soul light’s Shinin’ thro’…
Nelson & TC Because the way I’m feelin now I didn’t even know that it existed The way Im feelin ultra-groovy Brothers & my sisters & I might be a nobody But I’m the star o’ my own movie Up, down, turnaround I’m ultra-groovy high
Nelson & it’s true what the say about livin I guess yer live until yer die Cos the time we spend must fly I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high
TC & now I’m ultra groovy high, Ive found an oasis I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before Opening doors, breaking yer laws I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings & I can fly
***
TC You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv – I’m fuckin’ flyin here
Nelson Told ya
TC You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle {they cuddle} Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo Club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie
Nelson Do bears shit in the woods
TC Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapp’d for being a nobhead – but before we kick off the good times we’re going shopping for sure – there’s a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad
Nelson What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune
TC Well they saw you comin’… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut
Exit TC & Nelson
SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club
Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General
***
MUMBO JUMBO
All Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up & as the bouncers getting down The music’s taking us higher To higher ground
Enter The Cool Pool General carrying a tray of tequilas
General Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila When you feel flakey, honey, Shakey, shakey, shake yer money There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!
Raver Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? TEQUILA!
All Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4
And when the kids are coming up & as the bouncers getting down The music’s taking us higher To higher ground
Enter TC & Nelson
TC Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club & everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston Top banana, hot love karma, Nelson’s looking chuff’d Cause I took him to the club where all the Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up & as the bouncer’s getting down The music’s taking us higher To higher ground
TC Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon?
Nelson Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown
TC Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie
Nelson Only on the telly
TC Trust me, mate, most of ’em are… available… know what I mean?
General Yo TC, long time no see, where’ve ya bin
TC Got stuck in a lift mate
General Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you
TC Why what’s up?
General The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s been proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?
TC Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy
General Nah, I don’t touch the devil’s dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s looking for ecstasy
TC Sorry mate, can’t help ya
General Nah worries, nuff respect
TC Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, best hustler in Scotland
Nelson Nice to meet ya
General Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?
TC We’ll see what the night brings, eh?
General Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in
General goes off dancing
TC You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity {gets out phone} Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin’ a hundred o’ those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes… {hangs up phone} Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a wee mission, look after mi stash will ya
TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh that’s been down your pants
TC I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grams of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do, be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters you’ve gotta worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters
Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around
***
FLIPSIDE OVER EASY
Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round This way, thataway, Anywhichway that you want it to go Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Bouncer I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo Ya fuck’d up in the head my son, If you light that up I’m gonna do you over For messin’ around in my joint!
Nelson Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill, There’s plenty of time fer that When you’re a free man! I’m gonna skin up here if I have to, I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to, I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man, I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place & I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends, Who are Flipside Over Easy x3
Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round, This way, that-a-way, Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go, I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,
Bouncer Ya goin’ down…
Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round This way, thataway, Anywhichway that you want it to go Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Girls Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
General I remember when I carry Ten bags of mari-mari But I smoked it til it was dead I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head Yes you don’t know what I need You don’t know what I need I need some weed
Harmony 1 Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round This way, thataway, Anywhichway that you want it to go Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round
Harmony 2 Aaaaahhhhh….
Harmony 3 Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Nelson Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man
Bouncer You’re definitely not coming in now
Nelson What’s that?
Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again
Nelson Woah – woah – woah – what ya doin’- do you know who I am?
Bouncer Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off
Nelson It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in
Bouncer House regulations lad – there’s a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you might get away with it there, but not in here, now clear off
Nelson But…
Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away
Bouncer …& don’t come back
***
BLONDE GIRLS
Lily Nice song… what’s your name
Nelson Prince Nelson the Fourth
Lily A prince eh
Nelson Yep that’s me
Lily Well, your highness, I’m Lily
Nelson Honoured
Lily I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines
Nelson Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin’, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome
Lily I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry
Nelson I’ve got a couple of pills on me
Lily You have? You don’t have any coke as well, by any chance
Nelson Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin! Of course I do, got loads of the stuff
Lily Fancy havin’ a… session… at mine
Nelson You got any booze
Lily One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck
Nelson Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin’ baby – TAXI!!
Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives
General Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel
Bouncer Aye
General Which way did she go?
Bouncer You’re outta luck mate, she jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here
General Gutted… say… you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?
Bouncer I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do DON’T LET ANYONE IN
General No probs
Exit bouncer / enter two Gadgie II
General (practicing to himself) If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in
Gadgie II Alright mate, I’m on the guest list
General Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back
Gadgie II But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list
General I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait
Gadgie II (holding up bag of coke) How about a line of this
General Ooo! In you go
Charlie & TC waiting outside a toilet – groans from within
TC These pills are magic mate
Charlie Glad to hear it – I’ll have the rest for you in a minute – HURRY UP BULLDOG
Bulldog I’m trying boss – they just don’t seem to be shifting
Charlie Drink some more of that plum juice
Bulldog I’ve already necked five bottles boss… wait a second, ah here we go, here we go, they’re on their way , they’re … {SPLASH}
Charlie Nice one Bulldog
Bulldog {coming out of the loo with bag of pills} Here ya go Charlie
Charlie Wash ’em first, for fucks sake
Bulldog O yeah
Charlie so, do you have the mullah, sunshine
TC Ah Charlie – not on me, but I’ll have it soon as mate, the whole of the Bongo’s gagging for ’em
Charlie Very well – you’ve never done me over – so far – so we shall proceed with the transaction – Bulldog, give him a hundred pills!
Bulldog {passing over a bag of pills} TC
TC Nice one boys
The trio move to the pool table where Bulldog occasionally scratches his testicles
Charlie Say, TC, I’m sending Bulldog back to the Dam tomorrow night to pick up some fresh sweeties – if these are half as good as what you say they are, we’re set to make a fortune
TC Yeah, put my name down for a thousand, easy
Charlie Will do, so… what you up to tonight
TC I met this guy dinni, bit of a bell-end, but he’s sound as fuck really, he’s waiting for me now down Mumbo Jumbo —– hang on a minute – fuck, fer fuck’s sake
Charlie How did that happen?
TC Well off my head, pal, it’s these Dutch eccies innit, I was so loved up I just handed him my stash
Charlie You daft twat, that’s the last you’ll see of him mate
TC Nah, he was a good geezer, I can see that much, he wouldn’t do anything like that, I’m sure of it
Charlie Maybe maybe, either way, the General’s in town tonight – I’m sorting him out a bit of ching & later on we’re gonna do a spot of ‘gambling’ down Diane’s – you interested?
TC Could be – I’ve already seen him tonight, he’s chasin’ tail down Mumbo Jumbo – he wants some of these eccies n’all
Charlie Maybe it’s time you went & paid him a visit, then, & start shifting some of these cheeky suckers
TC Of course – I’ll meet you down the hall with your money when the club’s shut
Bulldog See ya later TC
TC {exiting} Bulldog
Charlie What a wanker – now rack ’em up
Charlie Bulldog, did you pick up something extra in the Dam – you’ve been scratching your scrotum all fucking day
Bulldog I know – I’ve got right peppery sacks boss- I might have done a spot of window shopping, if you know what I mean
Charlie I do know what you mean you fucking slag! I can’t believe you Bulldog, ya savvy enough to put a condom on those bags of pills ya rammed up yer arse, but when it comes down to get dirty with a hooker…
Bulldog Sorry boss, I forgot, it was the magic mushroom boss – they sell them in the windows
Charlie Forgot! Fuck sake – Next time yer find yerself cavorting in the Dam, remember the sacred words of Saint Jeremy Kyle
Charlie & Bulldog PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT
SCENE 6 – The Lilypad
Lily & Nelson have been having a session – empty bottles of bubbly & bags of weed on the table – sexy music on in the background
Nelson {fingering a large sausage shape in mid-air} So, she put it in her mouth & said that’s the biggest sausage I’ve ever seen…. I’m like, ‘honey, its only a bratwurst you can get them from Lidl these days
Lily You’re funny…
Nelson & you’re gorgeous
Lily Thanks… you’re not so bad yourself…. is there any coke left by the way
Nelson Well, there’s not much now – we’ve caned most of it… might as well cook up a couple of big, fat lines… finish it off
Lily Damn straight…
Nelson {starts racking up the lines} So, are you single?
Lily Kind of
Nelson What do you mean?
Lily I guess I’m just coming out of an open relationship
Nelson What does that mean?
Lily Well, my boyfriend, well ex now, he goes to me ‘lets have an open relationship’
Nelson Yeah, &?
Nelson Well it looks good on you
Lily Does it, oh thanks
Nelson {offering coke} That guy sounds like a proper tosser
Lily {snorting coke} He was – they always are – I seem to attract delinquent neanderthals – you’re not like that are ya?
Nelson Course not love – I’m the sophisticated type
Nelson snorts coke like a bull
Lily I mean, me & boys, it’s just a case of trying to fit square pegs into round holes – it just doesn’t work
Nelson I’ve got a round peg just waitin’ to fit into your hole sweetheart
Lily Really! So go on then, tell me about yourself
Nelson Who, me
Lily Yeah, what do you do for a living
Nelson O mi – job, eh, well, I’m, ehm, I’m a sex therapist
Lily Never
Nelson I’ll give you a free service if you like
Nelson Sometimes
Lily {standing} But… have you ever been with a real woman?
Nelson Of course I have
Lily No, you know, a woman, a woman with needs
Nelson I know what you need
Nelson kisses the back of Lily’s neck
Lily Now that was dangerous
BIRDLAND
Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man & I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere Just like a bird Have you heard the word man This bird has flown to Birdland & you can catch me if you can I’m waiting for my man Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers But they never stick around long enough to say Lets take a trip underneath your covers Cos I feel like your lover today
I’m looking for my equal You gotta shine on your woman x 3 Well blow my soul away I never met a man to make me…
& I feel like a dusky jewel, my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you & I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air Just like a bird Have you heard the word man This bird has flown to Birdland & you can catch me if you can I’m waiting for my man Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate There’s so many love songs I have to write Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet Cos I feel like a lady tonight
I’m looking for my hero You gotta shine on your woman x 3 Well blow my soul away I never met a man to make me shine… Sh-sh-sh-shine Come on & come on & shine Shine on my baby, come on & shine
Nelson & Lily kiss
Nelson I know this might sound a bit mad, & I know it’s a bit early &, I might have necked a shed load of pills, but, I positively, definitely think, that I — I – Lo…
Door buzzer goes off
Lily Who the fucks that!?
Nelson Don’t answer it
Lily It might be Felicity, it’s all over Facebook- she’s having a ‘crisis’ – I’ll just go & see… {on the intercom} Hello who is it
TC {Intercom} Alright Lily darlin, let us in, I know you’ve got Nelson up there, I need to see him pronto
Lily Oh, TC… do you know what time it is?
TC Yeah, time for to a big fat line of Charlie! Let us in will ya
Lily Well, if you put it like that… {buzzes door}
Nelson Who was that…
Lily TC… a mate of mine… do you know him
Nelson Well, sort of… is he coming up?
Lily Yeah… he said he’s got some coke as well… we’ve just finish’d yours off, so … perfect timing!
Enter TC
TC Hey-hey-hey… what’s going on here, Celebrity Love Island… the bouncer down the Bongo said you two jumped in a taxi together
Lily Hi man, I’m just getting to know your friend – he’s a-dorable
TC He will be if he chops the lines out… welcome to the Lilypad, Nelson, there’s been many a rave in ‘ere, now where’s that coke…
Nelson What coke
TC The coke, Nelson, which I told you to keep hold of for me
Nelson Oh, that coke
TC Yes, Nelson, the four grams of coke which I asked you to look after while I went on a mission to get everybody high, I’m a nice guy like that
Nelson Ehm… well, you see, its, its
Lily Its kinda gone TC
TC Whaddayamean, kindagone
Lily I thought that was your stuff Nelson… You bullshitting bastard
TC Wooah! – wooah! – wooah! – wooah! wooah! you can save the domestics ’til ya man & wife… but I’m now down a few grams of charlie – I haven’t even paid for it yet – the guys expecting the cash in the morning & there’s no way I’m shelling out for your little love-in
Nelson I’m so sorry mate, I lost mi ‘ed, them Dutch pills are well strong
TC Don’t blame the fuckin’ drugs, they didn’t hold a pistol to your head saying, ‘snort all TC’s coke,’ did they – now stop fucking about & give me some money for that coke
Nelson Sorry mate, spent up
Lily So you’re skint as well as Pinocshio… are you even from Edinburgh?
Nelson Eh?
Lily Where exactly are you from?
Nelson Peebles
Lily Peebles, Peebles, I can’t believe I was falling for someone from Peebles.
Nelson You were?
Lily I might have been… but you’ve blown it now… I think you should leave…
Nelson But baby…
Lily I’m not yer baby, never have been, never will be, now if you’d both be so kind as to fuck off – I’ve got better things to do than put up with you two monkeys
LOVE YA BABY
Nelson I got the notion to show some emotion We could be lovers if you only knew All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout High over skyscrapers that I love you I love ya baby, yes I do I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro I love ya baby, yes I do, I love ya baby
Lily Well shame on you, Cos you’re just full of it what a crock of shit All you want’s a bit of what I got feelings that I feel Thought they could be real But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot
Nelson But I love ya baby, yes I do I love ya baby & I know my love is true Cos ever since I met ya girl You just gone & blown my world So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do
Lily How can you love me You hardly know my name
Nelson I love ya baby
Lily But I do not feel the same
Nelson Look lady I’m not full of shit You just can’t handle it Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life Baby cant ya see We were meant to be It is your destiny to be my wife
I love ya baby…. yes I do I love ya baby, Look what the hell you put me thro I love ya baby, yes I do, I love ya baby
Lily Well I DONT LOVE YOU You are a liar, you are dishonest You drive me crazy with all your promises First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’ Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’ You say ya love me You hardly even know my name How can ya love me when I do not feel the same You are a user & now you know the score You are a loser, sonny there’s the door
Nelson But, but, we shared a kiss
Lily I didn’t enjoy it – when was the last time you brush’d yer teeth
Nelson Oi
Lily Look, just do one will ya
Nelson Alright, I’ll need my phone first tho’, where is it
Lily How do I know, look for it
Nelson TJ, lend us yer phone, I need to ring mine
TJ No credit
Nelson Ah Lily, lend us yours, please
Lily Fer fucks sake, but if its gonna get rid of you two numpties, alright
TC You’ve smoked all my weed n’all!
Lily Yes TC darlin’, of course we’ve smoked all your weed – I didn’t know it was yours, did I, I thought it was his
TC You fuckin’ vultures
Nelson dials his number – his own phone starts ringing
Lily What ya doin’?
Nelson Just gettin’ yer number baby
Lily What! Get out! Both of you get out! Now! Out!
Nelson Any chance of a snog before I go
Lily OUT!
TC What about me Lily
Lily Look, TC, you only want to get into my knickers so you can wear em, & I don’t do carpet munchers, now get out
TC But
Lily I mean it, get out of my fucking house NOW!!!
TC Cheeky bitch Alright keep your hair on…
Nelson Your loss sister
Exit Nelson & TC in a huff grabbing the champagne en route
It is 3AM / TC & Nelson are wandering the empty streetsTC
Right then you muggy little cunt, have you figured out how are you gonna pay me back yet?
Nelson
Whaddayamean
TC
You know, kid, the dosh, the cash, the mulah, the readies, the dollars, whatever you call it in Peebles… show me the fuckin’ money
Nelson
Money, don’t exist mate – it was made up by the governments to control the workers
TC
Do you live in doolalleyland or summat – money must exist cos you’ve just spent mine – you really do need to sort out what is turning out to be an extremely dangerous financial fuck-up, pronto
Nelson
Well, we could do a bit of busking, can you play guitar
TC
Course I can play guitar, do I look like a complete facking numpty
Nelson
Well, can you get one
TC
You can always get a guitar on the Cowgate – hang on a minute
Exit TC for a few moments while he ‘acquires’ a guitarTC
Here we go, so what shall we play
Nelson
How about some nineties music
TC
What like Happy Mondays, Stone Roses or summat
Nelson
Nah, more uptempo, like 2Unlimited
TC
Ah – got ya, you can be the hat boy
Nelson
What’s that?
TC
Just go round with ya hat innit
TC & Nelson play No Limits – Nelson goes round the audience with his hat attemptig to whip up some moneyTC
So how did we do
Nelson{looking in hat}
Fuckin’ shite pal
TC
Lets try another one – Pump Up The Jam – it’s a banger
TC & Nelson play Pump Up The JamTC
Any better
Nelson
I’m afraid not
TC
Fucks sake, we’ll never make any money at this rate
Nelson
Mate, there’s more to life than cash, y’know
TC
Like what Buddhism, Gouranga, enlighten me!
MONEY, MONEY, MONEYNelson
Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it
When ya need it, ya aint got it
When ya want it, ya can’t have it
& nobody gives a damn
About all those people
Who are so obsess’d with greed
I think if I stole their credit cards
Their very souls would bleed
But above all else, the strangest thing
I find to be real funny
Is that love is real & real is real
But there’s no such thing as money
Money, money, money…
TC
Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it
Nelson
Dunno
TC
Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths…
Nelson
I went down to the jewellers
With a house-brick in my hand,
I chuck’d it thru the windah
& I snook myself a grand,
I heard sirens to the left
& I heard violence to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight
Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree
Than a flunky of a fuckt up society
Nelson & TC
{Nelson gives TC jewels}
Money, money, money
TC
Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool
Nelson
Is a copper bent!
TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is thereTC
We went to play the tables
On the shady side of town,
I met the cool pool gen’ral,
All the hustlers gather’d round,
I potted trick-shots to the left,
I potted fluke-shots to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pool hall tonight…
Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea
Than a captain of the rock aristocracy
Nelson, TC, Chorus
Money, money, money…
Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrestedCoppers
Well hello sunshine, how do you do
You got the face that fits the crime
& son we’re after you
You might be pretty, you might be a cat
But in my city be a diplomat
Cos this country is a queen bee
& we workers make her honey
So do the time & pay the fine
& hand over all your money
All
Money, money, money…
Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police stationNelson
So they dragg’d me to the station
Where I knew I couldn’t fail,
“Take those fuckin cuffs off me
& let me out on bail!”
I had tit-head to mi left
& I had nipple-head to mi right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pig-house tonight
Cos I’d rather be somebody like me
Than a flunky of this fuckt up society
{Copper 2 leads the general to the cells}
Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter
Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker
Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher,
Healer, dealer, spiritual believer,
Shunter, hunter your average punter
Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper?
Ticket inspector, comic collector,
A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler
A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine
A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker
A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker,
A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster
Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler
Alas, o woe is me…
Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money
All
Money, money, money….
SCENE 8 – Leith Police Station
Copper 1 is checking Nelson into custodyNelson{fidgety}
Yo copper… what the hell have you arrested me for?!
Copper 1
There was a burglary at a jewellers last night – cctv cameras picked up images of a couple of men, one of which strongly resembles yourself
Nelson
It has to be a stitch up… I’ve only just rolled into town
Copper 1
Looks like you’ll be rolling straight into prison son
Copper 2 returnsCopper 2
That’s your mate cosied up for the night, now it’s your turn – just how high are you?
Nelson
Hi, how are you
Copper 2
No, I said HOW HIGH ARE YOU – you’re clearly under the influence of narcotics – you can’t keep still
Nelson
I’m nervous…
Copper 1
I think we’ll need to give you a drugs test laddie, just put this wee swab under your tongue
Nelson
Bloody hell… what is this shit
Copper 2
This shit, as you so rudely put it, is procedure… just give us the swab
TC gives Copper 2 the swab, who puts it in machine / a few seconds pass / machine starts to flash & whirrCopper 2
Bloody hell! You’ve broke it, what exactly have you taken tonight
TC
Just a couple of rennies, that’s all
Copper 1
You’ll kill yourself if you carry on at this rate, mate
TC
Yeah – whatever – I’m allowed a phone call right
Copper 2
Of course, that is the law
Nelson
Give us one then
Copper 1
I’m afraid we will have to dial the number – do you have it
Nelson
Sure – it’s on my phone, it’s the last one diall’d
Copper 1 dials the number / at the Lilypad, Lily answersLily
Who the fuck’s that… do you know what time it is
Copper 1
Sorry about that madam… I’m calling from Leith Police station… I have a young man called Nelson here, he says he is a friend of yours…
{Lily hangs up}
I’m afraid she has hung up
Nelson
Nah, surely not… she must have been cut off – try again
Copper 1 repeats the call – gets to answer machineCopper 1
It’s the answering machine – you can leave her a message
Nelson
Cool, hold the handset up for us please
ALIBI
Nelson
I never did it,
They got the wrong guy
& I’m tellin’ ya girl
We’re too young to die
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
You were with me yesterday
Be my Alibi
I didn’t do it
Why would I lie
I am an honest man
Just look into my eyes when you can
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
We were loving the night away
Be my Alibi
Now I’m down on my knees as I pray
Please don’t throw our love away
Be my Alibi x 4
Copper 2
Right, times up lad, off to the cells with ya,
Nelson
I don’t believe this… why the fuck did I ever listen to mad bitch Brenda
Copper 2
Come on lad, this way
Exit copper 2 & Nelson
SCENE 9 – Police cell
There are two prisoners, one asleep under a blanket, one is the General – Copper 1 escorts Nelson into his cellCopper 1
In you get – now behave yourself
General
Alright mate
Nelson
Alright
General
What’s ya name again, kid
Nelson
Nelson
General
O yeah, that’s right, you’re a mate of TC’s – fucking wanker – he puts his hat on my head, scarpers, then all of a sudden I’m arrested
Nelson
Unlucky
General
& those dodgy coppers nicked all mi drugs n’all… so what you in for kid?
Nelson
They think I smashed up some jewellers
General
Did ya?
Nelson
That particular fact is not important, but my night is ruined now… who the hell do they think they are, taking away my liberty like that
General
Eh, kid, your being here & my being here, they’re not… connected… are they? Cos if they are…
Nelson
How do I know, pal… mi heads in bits & I need a fuckin spliff – I’m not even from this shithole of a city – everyone’s either posh as fuck or off their faces on drugs… I wish I’d never even come to Edinburgh in the first place – I’d be home right now, safely tucked up in bed
Brenda
At least you’ve got a bed
Nelson
Woah, Brenda, what the fuck are you doin’ here
Brenda
Listened to my own advice, thought I’d check out the big city,
Nelson
What did ya get arrested for?
General
Personal hygiene
Brenda
I got arrested for beating up the last little fanny ba’s who commented on my personal hygiene – alright – anyway, its been a while since I was in town & I forgot there were some outstanding sherrif’s court bullshit floating around from the last time
Nelson
Gutted
Brenda
Nae worries… don’t mind really, the squat down the Old Town I used to doss in has been knocked down & turned into student flats – at least I’ve got a roof over me head for the night….
Nelson
Lucky you
Enter Copper 1Copper 1
I thought you miscreants might want a cup of tea
Nelson
Fuck off fuzz
Copper 1
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that – here you are, there’s a drink each
General{trying tea}
Uuugh… what the fucks that supposed to be
Copper 1
Tea
Nelson
That’s not tea, that’s rat piss
Copper 1
Whatever it is, that’s all you are getting – this isn’t the Scotsman hotel – if you want a decent cup of tea STAY OUT OF TROUBLE
Exit copperGeneral
Listen pal, ya just havin’ a yang son – for every yang there’s a yin just waiting on the horizon – don’t worry yourself about the boys in blue, it’ll soon blow over, unless you’ve murdered someone or summat
Nelson
Nah… it’s just… I’ve only just gone & met the love of my life, haven’t I – & now I’m banged-up in this bloody place
Brenda
The love of your life… what’s she called
Nelson
Ehhm, shes call’d, eehm, well I can’t actually remember, but she’s drop-dead gorgeous & sound as a pound – I think I’m in love
Brenda
Love! You don’t even know her name
General
That’s the drugs talkin’ that is…. ecstasy specs are a lot more powerful than beer-goggles – you can go to bed with a ten out of ten & wake up with a two
Nelson
I know that – I’ve never gone to bed with a minger, but I’ve woken up with a few… but this time, it was the real thing, the real deal – it was love, I could feel it
Brenda
That was just yer hard-on, Nelson, you men are all the same, all you do is think with yer nobs, & that’s why yer fuckin nobs
Nelson
Nah Nah Nah– I love her, & she loves me too, I know she does – but I’ve just gone & used my one phone call to talk to her & she just hung up on me – blown me out – I can’t believe it, I was sure she felt the same
Brenda
She might have done mate, but girls are complex creatures – do you not know that, have you not had a girlfriend before…
Nelson
Yeah, loads
Brenda
How long did the longest last
Nelson
About three weeks
Brenda
Exactly, mate, you’re flippin’ useless –
Nelson
I’m just keeping my options open
General
Don’t blame ya – being with a woman is like being in a minefield – one false step & ‘Kerboom’Brenda
Boys, boys, boys – to truly understand a woman you’ve got to think like a woman – you gotta give her time, be sensitive to her feelings – she might come round in the end – & when she does, there are three things you must always show her
Nelson
What are they then?
Brenda
Faith, love & understanding
FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDINGBrenda
It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time,
Right time to show how yer feelin’,
You want to share your life
But life can be so demanding,
This is the day, now what a day, come alive,
Lay down & bear up your soul,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding
Nah, Nah, Nah…
Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again
Nah, Nah, Nah…
Brenda{singing to General}
It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time,
Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies,
Future seems far away
But future is always pendin’,
This is the night, now what a night,
Come around,
Wake up & answer her call,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding
Some people love to lead their life
Some people like to wait
But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate
& I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new
Gonna act upon the chemistry
And see this love thing thro
Nah, Nah, Nah…
Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again
Nah, Nah, Nah…
Copper 1
{banging on door}
Shut that bloody racket – its lights out now
General
Nobheads
Nelson
Cheers for the advice lady… but I don’t know if I’ll be takin it… last time I listened to you look where I ended up!
Brenda
Fair enough mate… sleep on it tho’, eh?
Nelson
Will do pal
General
You <points to Brenda> don’t come anywhere near me, ya dig?
Brenda
What you on about… I can tell you want me
General
Yes I do want you – I want you to leave me a-fucking-lone
Brenda
But, sugartits, I know how to, y’know, please a man
General
Well please leave me a-fucking-lone – goodnight
Nelson
Get a room you two
Lily wakes up / starts to clean up / gets emotional about last night / finds something of Nelson – sniffs it /goes to the spot where they kissed & re-enacts it – puts on answer machine message again / she freezes in her tracks.
LILY’S SONG
I don’t feel myself today Or the things I used to say Maybe I just shed my skin Found the new lily within
But he’s gnawin’ at my mind & he’s clawing at my conscience I’m hopin’ I can find Or come up with the answers, Those answers…
My Lord, if I’d only known When my boy did call me I would have picked up the phone I would have answered the call & if id only known When my boy did call me…
& I never thought how much you meant to me Til I spent a night all on my own All of the time I was thinking about you I knew my love for you had grown & I’m thankin’ my lucky stars That I’m not the girl I used to be I’m gonna go burn my bras & take a little trip to Sicily But that won’t be the same If you’re not there beside me Tho’ I hardly know ya name I know you are the one for me, You are the one for me…
My Lord, if id only known When my boy did call me I would have picked up the phone I would have answered the call & if id only known When my boy did call me…
& I never thought i could go changin’ Til I spent a night on my own & when I woke up I was a stranger Cos the bird I used to be had flown Why, cos I’m so high Now I’m coming up for sure For as the love for you’s my disease So my love for you’s the cure
I had a plan Not to love any man Cos I got my pride But now I’ll do what I can To make him understand & keep him by my side I’m so high…
Copper 2 doing paperwork – Copper 1 returns
Copper 1 O man, what a night, I’m knackered
Copper 2 I know, tell me about it – what a shower of reprobates, but every cloud’s got a silver lining – or in this case a snowy lining – we must a grabbed a couple of grams off that pool player
Copper 1 Shame eh, seems like a nice guy – perhaps we could let him off with a ‘warning’
Copper 2 Dispose of the evidence
Copper 1 Rack ‘em up
Copper 2 Already have
Copper 1 Wait for it – ein, zwei, SNORT!
Coppers take lines / enter Lily
Copper 1 Morning
Lily The guy you bang’d up last night, Nelson, what’s he in for
Copper 1 Robbing a jewellers
Lily At what time
Copper 1 About 3 AM
Lily That’s impossible… he was with me
ALIBI (refrain)
Lily He didn’t do it Why would I lie He is an honest man Just look into his eyes & I’m begging ya hear me say We were loving the night away I’m his Alibi
See me down on my knees as I pray Please don’t lock my baby away I’m his Alibi
Copper 1 What exactly are you saying miss
Lily I’m his alibi
Copper 2 So where were you both last night
Lily What’s this, bad cop, worse cop – look, we were at my place, you know, doing the things that lovers do
Copper 2 Could you clarify that, miss, we need more details
Lily Well, he began to undress me slowly, & I him, our eyes were already lost in the carnal arts, his touch was soft, yet firm,
Copper 2 How firm?
Copper 1 Steady on girls, calm down… this is not bloody Mills & Boon… yes, we’ll let him go… but I must warn you, if you are not telling us the truth…
Lily What, l’il ol’ Lily
Exit Copper 1
Lily Use your imagination sweetheart
Lily is waiting for a tram
Nelson Yo Lily, where you going?
Lily I’m off back to bed
Nelson Room for a little un? – or a big un?
Lily Fuck off… I don’t do jewel thieves
Nelson Listen to me sweetheart – I slept on everything that happened last night & now I’ve woken up a new man
Lily That’s the drugs wearing off mate
Nelson No – I’ve had an epiphany
Lily Uuughh – don’t come near me with your piffy knee, whatever that is
Nelson No – an e-piph-a-ny – look babe, I’m, I’m willing to show you faith, love & understandin’ – buckets of the stuff – but whatever you do thanks a lot, you got me out of one hell of a mess there
Lily You seem a nice guy deep down Nelson, didn’t want to see you banged up, it’s a shame you’re such a dick head
Nelson But baby, I’m gonna change, I’m gonna change for you, I swear down, I’ve seen the light, & you’re the shining angel behind it – let me win ya back
Lily You never had me in the first place – you’re just another square peg in the playbox of my life
Nelson Look honey, from the first time your ass wiggled by me, I knew that it – I mean you – were mine forever, now listen up…
Nelson I’m gonna build a chain gang Gonna lay the tracks Gonna lay a line to your heart Til ya want me back I’m not gonna build a station It’s a one way train When I get to my destination Will ya want me back again Baby gonna take me back Guess I know you will Cos true love lasts forever O yes it does Baby gonna take me back Guess I know you will Cos you always do, & remember my darlin I feel Feel, the same way too Well always & forever honey I’m gonna shine for you
Nelson So whaddaya reckon
Lily Look Nelson, I can’t deal with this shit right now, my heads blown a gasket from last night, I took far too much cocaine all I want right now are some carb-heavy bagels & a glass of almond milk – just, leave me alone, eh
Nelson But baby baby, listen up
I’m gonna build a new line On the old rail road Windin’ thro the valleys With an empty load When I get to my destination Your hearts my only stop Gonna meet you at the station At the back of the coffee shop When I meet you at the coffee shop I’ll ask you to be mine Forever & for always O yes I will
I’ll meet you at the coffee shop & take your tender hand & tell you I love you & you’ll look in my eyes & you’ll feel Feel the same way too Well always & forever honey I’m gonna shine for you
Nelson So come on then Lily, surely you felt it
Lily Felt what?
Nelson You know, it! We had something going on me & you
Lily Well, I might have done – but you fucked it up big time
Nelson I never meant to, baby, just look in your heart. What is it saying to you?
Lily O how I cried, I cried so much The way I cried for you & I nearly died, when your loving touch From my life withdrew Well, always & forever honey I’m gonna shine for you
Nelson Well, always & forever sugar I’m gonna be your boy
Enter Brenda full of mud with a spade being chased by police
Brenda Yo, Nelson
Nelson Yo, Brenda, when did you get out
Brenda About two minutes ago – o shit!
Enter Coppers chasing Brenda – enter General covered in mud
Lily & Nelson Hey General
General Hi people, what’s happenin,
Lily Have you ever felt the love Don’t tell me you aint never Have you ever felt the love Always & forever
Enter Bouncer / Coppers catch Brenda but are filled with ‘the love’
All Have you ever felt the love Dont tell me you aint never Have you ever felt the love Always & forever
All Have you ever felt the love Don’t tell me you aint never Have you ever felt the love Always & forever
Bouncer & Coppers bow then exit / General & Brenda pair off
Brenda So, where dya live handsome
General I’ve got the keys to my mate’s house – he’s up north – dya wanna come up
Brenda Sure {leans in to kiss him}
General Nae chance – you’re taking a fucking shower before you kiss the General
Exit General & Brenda
TC Yo guys… nice to see you’ve got it together… Tinky Disco are playing the Stramash tonight… ya comin’?
Lily Not tonight TC…. we’ve got some catching up to do
TC Suit yourselves {getting his phone out} Yo Charlie any chance of another hundred of those Dutch eccies, half of Leith’s loved up here!
Exit TC
Nelson Right, what was that you were saying about going back to bed
Lily Come here… {they kiss then begin to exit} You know, Nelson, you should get a band together with a voice like that
Nelson & you should be a model with an ass like that {Nelson taps ass} By the way, what’s ya name again?
Enter the General, Brenda & India – Palik is is the waiter
Palik Welcome, table for three?
Brenda Yes please
Palik This way…
General Thank you
India Ooo, its nice in here innit
General It’s the best restaurant in Leith this, for multiple reasons
Palik Would you like any drinks?
General I’ll have a lager… Brenda
Brenda Same
General India?
India I’ll have a white wine please
Palik No problems be back in a minute
General Ooo & Palik
Palik Yes
General Could we have the… poppadom special for starters
Palik Good choice, sir, good choice
The party take their seats
India So lovely to meet ya Brenda, Tristan’s told me so much about you
Brenda Tristan?
India Yeah, Tristan, my brother
General Ehm, I forget to mention that
Brenda Tristan! Tristan & Brenda
India Yes it’s a little incongruous isnt it
Brenda You what?
India Incongruous… Never mind…. Brenda, Tristan & I, well, we come from a certain privileged background
Brenda So you’re posh then, babe
General Ehm
India Our family is… Tristan’s the black sheep, doesn’t want to conform, do you darlin’
General There’s more to life than buggary & polo
India You do know that the flat you’re now living in was paid for by mother
General She bought you one as well
Brenda Alright, alright, calm, down you two – you’ve only just met up – I don’t care what your name is, who your parents are & whether you own your flat or nae, I fucking love you General
They embrace
India Ah, aint that sweet
General So you’re up for coming out with us later
India Yeah, why not, what happening?
General A mate of ours is putting on a disco night
India Ooo… I love a bit of disco
General So sis, I need to tell you something – one of the reasons this is the best restaurant in Leith is that they do a nice little side-line in bingo
Brenda What, someone didn’t flush the toilet, it’s a dirty loo, thirty two
General No, not that kind of bingo, {imitates snorting coke} Bingo-bingo… & it’s the proper stuff n’all –
Brenda You can get some right nice afghan black, n’all, blows yer head right off,
General & a bit of speed on Tuesdays
Palik returns with trays of food
Palik Here’s your drinks & here’s the poppadom special – just come in today
****
POPPADOM
Brenda Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous
India Whats this
Brenda Says Tristan’s sister Tristan says
Tristan Its got a little twist
All Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom
Palik Dont forget the mango chutney Its imported up from Putney Makes the chicken balti taste supreme Mountains of bombay tatties Basmati rice chapattis Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen
India Your spice is pretty damn nice
Brenda Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis Then gets him in the kitchen & asks him
India Can I have a little kiss
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Palik Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy Then again its gets stuck in your teeth Don’t forget the shami kebabs They’re the one everyone has But you gotta taste it to believe
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Tristan What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this
Brenda Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis
India That chutney made me horny
Brenda Abbadabadis got battered with a fist
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Brenda Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi It’s the kind that sends you happy Or is it that I got stuck in a dream Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari We got it from the argy-bargy It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been That I’ve ever seen… That there’s ever been
****
Palik Bloody hooligans
Brenda {to Palik} Are you alright pal
Palik No I’m bloody not alright…
General I’m sorry mate, my sister’s lost her head on that dab you gave her
Palik So its my fault is it – I never asked her for a bloody blow job – just get out my restaurant
Brenda Look, man, we’re really sorry
Palik Whatever – don’t come back, yeah
Exit Brenda, Tristan – exit India gesturing ‘call me’ to Palik
SCENE 4: Constitution Street, Leith
TC is waiting at a bus stop in Leith / Stacey is also waiting
****
PUSSY BUS
TC I met a girl She’s gotta get on a bus She’s gotta get on a bus She’s going home to her boyfriend
& then she said
Stacey I wanna come home with you Because my boyfriend’s mad Going thro a real bad time
TC So I said Lets get on a bus Lets get on a bus & get off at my bus stop So she said
Stacey I’m gonna come home with you Yeah im coming with you Cos I really really like you
Stacey & TC Lets all ride the pussy bus Lets all ride the pussy bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC Lets take a ride on the pussy bus Its peace on earth on the pussy bus Lets take a ride on the pussy Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
TC So I’m sat Yeah I’m sat on a bus At the back of the bus With another boy’s girlfriend
Then ouch I get a smack in the puss Cos a boy on the bus He knows this hussy’s boyfriend
Fuck this I’m gonna get off the bus I’m gonna get off the bus & catch the bus behind us
Then the mad bitch follows us off She follows us off Cos she wanted to find us
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
TC So I’m back yeah, back in the street & I look at my feet & they’re covered in bloodspots She says,
Stacey Babe look at the moon Its playing our tune I love our new bus-stop
TC I said mad bitch look at my shoes Ya proper bad news There’s blood on my trainers She says
Stacey Baby gimme ya shoes I know what to do We’ll try a dry cleaners
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus
Stacey Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC Lets take a ride on the pussy bus Its peace on earth on the pussy bus Lets take a ride on the pussy Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
****
Stacey So whats your name
TC They call me TC
Stacey TC? Nice, I’m Sta-cey – TC & Stacey, Cagney & Lacey, nice – what ya up to
TC I’m DJ-ing tonight
Stacey Ooo, that’s devastating that’s! A DJ – cool as – can I come
TC {shaking head} Is there any chance of me stopping you?
Stacey Nope
TC Alright then, its at the Mash House
Stacey Yeah, lets have a mash up down the mash house
TC So, you like to party, do ya
Stacey Do I, I fucking love raving me
TC You do? me too
Stacey What kind of music are you playing
TC Disco
Stacey Disco, what’s that
TC It’s a bit like house music
Stacey I prefer techno me – bam-baam-blam-blam-bla-bla-blam—-bam-blam
Exit Stacey bouncing like a duracel bunny – TC follows shaking his head in a confused crush
SCENE 5: The Mash House
The club is empty – Brooklyn is messin about on the decks / enter TC & Stacey
TC Yo Brooklyn
Brooklyn TC, my main man, how ya diddlin?
TC Ready to rave, pal, ready to rave
Brooklyn & who’s this little bundle of buzziness?
Stacey I’m Stacey
Brooklyn Well hello there – I’m Brooklyn, it looks like you’re our first punter of the night
Stacey I aint payin,’ I’m with him
Brooklyn But…
TC Don’t fight it mate, you won’t win
Brooklyn OK, the more the merrier I suppose
TC Here’s them pills
Brooklyn Nice one
TC That’ll be a twenty-spot please
Brooklyn Can I give it you at the end of the night, along with your fee
TC Fer fucks sake
Brooklyn You’ll get your money, you’ll get your money, don’t fret – in the meantime its a free bar for us – there’s a wee fridge behind the decks – whaddaya want – we’ve got cans of lager, cider, there’s even a bottle of tequila
TC Just a can of lager, ta
Stacey I’ll have a tequila
Brooklyn I can’t find any ices & slices
Stacey I prefer it straight, its fine, just give me the bottle
Brooklyn Whatever… here’s yours TC
TC Thank you very much
TC & Brooklyn open & chink their cans / Stacey starts swigging the tequila
Brooklyn So here are the decks, yeah – top quality technics – the bass is buzzing
TC Buzzin
Brooklyn I meant booming, proper in your guts stuff
TC Let me put a record on, then, check it out
Stacey {singing} One tequila two tequila three tequila four Five tequila six tequila, watcha waiting for Six tequila, seven tequila, eight tequila more Nine tequila, ten tequila, then you hit the floor
Brooklyn She’s off her head, her
TC I don’t mind, I like the feisty ones
Brooklyn Feisty! She’s a borderline roaster!
TC {putting on a record} That sounds absolutely banging – the top end is top notch
Brooklyn It certainly is – you ready to go
TC Yeah, I’m up for it, yeah
Brooklyn OK brother, I’ll start letting them in – see you on the flipside
TC Over easy, mate, over easy
T.D.S
TC Check it, check it, check it
Phew, phew got nuffin to do Just an egg macmuffin hat attitude Gonna put on some random records & get down to the groove
Friends, friends followin trends I heard miss disco’s making amends She gotta damn foxy symphony She gonna sing that song for you
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your vibe You got to share your high
Stacey Fucked up, big it up Got the pills & the files & they’re backed up I’m a pretty little buttercup In my summer top all see thro’ sequinfied Dont stop rev it up Whatv ya got tip top on yer laptop Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Enter Hamish, Krissie & Kate
TC Hi! Hi! Call from Mumbai I’ve never heard nuttin like this guy’s Gonna ring round the company They gonna get down to the groove
Flow, flow, kinky Kyoto She lettin’ it hang & lettin it grow Gotta facebook her friends & set their statuses to you
Enter Larry the Axe & City
Down at the T-I-N-K-Y D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your tribe You got to share your style
Well I’m the real TC thats me I aint your normal form of MC I’m a true groove buster voodel chile Ripping it max with lots of style
I’m Scotland’s top hip-hot outfit Lyrical bandit doing my bit Musical genius jammin guitar Hear the new disco wherever you are, yeah
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
Enter Nelson & Lily
Nelson It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco
Lily I put on my dancing shoes My soul it glows like a glitterball These neon lights they shine for me & you Lets his the floor my friend Gonna dip trip slide until the party ends This Tinky Disco sets me free
Enter The General, Brenda & India
TC Hands, hands, show me those hands We’re dancing naked down on the sands Gotta wee foxy flavour & a fist of fireflies Crawl, crawl, walk or you’ll fall The tides gone out the towers are tall There’s a full moon approaching & its time to phantasize
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
The Silver Strobes are singer Aletia, keyboardist Primrose & guitarist Roger – Primrose & Roger start setting up their gear
TC {picking up mike} Sorry about that people – yer next tune’s coming right up
Aletia {grabbing mike} & it will be being played by the Silver Strobes, thank-you
TC Who the fuck are you
Aletia We’re the band, the Silver Strobes, where’s DJ Brooklyn
Brooklyn That’s me, I’m Brooklyn
Aletia You booked us to play tonight, right
Brooklyn I did, but, you’re a bit late don’t you think
Aletia Apologies for our tardiness, but its never too late for some funktastic live disco
Roger We’re in
Aletia OK – la music sil vous plait
***
KATHMANDU
We’re setting the floor on fire We’re setting the room on fire We’re setting the roof on fire We’re setting the house on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
We’re setting the land on fire We’re setting the skies on fire We’re setting the world on fire We’re setting us all on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
I’m a disco lover & I’m breakin’ it down Like a good time lover when the sun goes down & all ya fun lovin’ people gonna hit the floor Hit the floor hit the floor When ya want some more break it down
When the dealers fix us up & the dj picks it up all the minxes sex it up It’s a disco mix it up
Shes foxy shake it down Hes rockin all over town One fun-funk family kinky disco energy
When the bass lines burn it up & the faces turn it up Theres a heatwave on the floor We’re the kids in a candy store
Hit the dance floor crank it up Tinky disco crank it up Hit the dance floor crank it up Spin around & spank it up
We’re setting the spheres on fire We’re setting the moon on fire We’re setting the sun on fire We’re setting us stars on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
The crowd show massive appreciation – lights go up at the end of the song – Brooklyn takes the mike
Brooklyn Wow, that was astounding, but times up people, its 3AM – thanks for coming down everybody & I’ll see you next time
The crowd moan their dissaffection
Brooklyn There’s nothing I can do about it, guys, shit happens – but remember, you’ve all been living legends tonight & I’ll see you at the next Wildcat Production
Aletia Right, that’ll be 600
Brooklyn You what – I’m not paying you 600 bucks for one fucking tune
Aletia Look Brooklyn, we signed a contract when you booked us – there was no stipulation as to how long we played, just as long as we played,
Brooklyn Look, right here you, – this is Scotland, you cant get away with that bullshit up here
Roger Look sunshine, ya gonna pay us a what
Brooklyn I aint paying ya £600 for one song
Primrose But the crowd were loving it
Brooklyn They were enjoying it, yeah, but they weren’t loving it – let me show you how high proper love from crowd can go – gimme that fuckin mike – TC – spin that shit
TC starts playing a cheezy disco track
Brooklyn No, no, no, not disco, I mean some proper deep hip-hop beats bro
TC Gotcha
***
IN DA HOUSE
TC All the girlies in the house go yo (yo)
Brooklyn Hand by hand we threaten this land Making excuses just to expand Twisted earth twisted land DJ Brooklyn wants demands
From Edinburgh streets our memories bleed Our bodies share the same scars Metal tubes that we call cars Ruin the skies & natures past
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn Green grass throughout the land New presidents elected ain’t so grand Hold the world in warm hands Iceberg cities melts into sand Sewing the seeds for creative needs Beneath dark streets the light is weak DJ Brooklyn escapes with weed Ignoring their fake news news news feeds
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn We go where the wildlife flows Following it down low, low, low
TC All the girlies in the house say yo (yo)
Brooklyn This is the way it should be Work together & we’ll be free
TC What ya saying Brooklyn!
Brooklyn This is the way it should be Work together & we’ll be free Split nations on their knees Crumpl’d spirits we will not be
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn I’m the man…..
Enter Copper 1 & Copper 2 who switch off the music with a scratch / the crowd moan their dissaffection
Copper 1 We’ve been having complaints
Nelson Not you two again
Copper You can hear these tunes in the Grassmarket, we’re pulling the plug
Brooklyn Alright mate, its game over, no sweat
Copper 1 If we hear another peep we’ll confiscate all the equipment
Copper 2 We’ll be watchin’ you lot
Copper 1 He means listening
Copper 2 Yeah, & watching as well
Copper 1 Behave yourselves
Nelson {to exiting Coppers} Nobheads
Aletia We still want paying by the way
TC & me, Brooklyn
Brooklyn Alright, alright – here’s three hundred for you Aletia, thanks for coming, it was your car that broke down, not mine… here’s your five hundred TC, like promised, plus twenty for the pills, plus another twenty for four more cos looking at those two {pointing at Katie & Krissie doing an erotic lesbo dance} I’m gonna need em
TC Look guys – fuck the po-lice, this party aint finished, lets all go down Leith Links – I’ll get a taxi to mine, pick up mi power speakers – they’re battery powered
Hamish What about the Criminal Justice act of 1994
TC What’s that
Hamish Its when they bann’d gatherings characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats – its still in force mate, even in Scotland
TC There’s a change of plan, we’re going up Arthur’s Seat instead – they’ll never get the meatwagons up there
Brooklyn Yeah, man, let’s bag up these vibes and snort a fat one
Stacey Wo-hoo – there aint no-one gonna stop us raving baby!
SCENE 9: Edinburgh
Leith from Arthur’s Seat
CRIMINAL INJUSTICE
Exit everybody / they enter the Cowgate / the police are watching on
Brooklyn These are our streets These are our Scottish streets & we can dance here if we want to Midst the boulevards & fountains But if I’m in the mountains Making music with my friends They can brand us tinky criminals I guess that just depends Upon your laws No we don’t need them anymore Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for I said hello Let’s dance like 1994 Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for
The party reach the Scottish Parliament / Holyrood Palace area
Nelson After the rave There is a melody Something has changed singing for you and me After the rave I’ll find the better me I know I’ll survive Cos when I look to the skies I feel I’m feeling alive Because I’m back with my tribe
The party moves into Holyrood Park
TC These are our beats These are our precious beats & we can dance here if we want to Midst the fauna & the heather But when comes the paranoia Of the government alarms we can stick it to the lawyers From our eco-friendly farms I said hello, lets dance like 1994 Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for & all your laws No we don’t need them anymore Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for
The party reach the top of Arthur’s Seat
Lily After the rains Then comes the rainbow Something has changed There is a new hope After the rave We’ll shoot a telescope Up, up to the skies Where I’m back with my tribe
Everybody After the dark There is a synergy Up with the lark Singing for you and me After the rave We’ll share a memory I open my eyes & as I look to the skies I see I’m feelin alive
After the rains Then comes the sun again We can obtain Light in the world of men Into my veins just like a medicine I’m feelin alive because I’ve opened my eyes
City is racking up a line of coke. The buzzer rings.
City Who’s that then?
Lily {intercom} Babe, its Lily
City Nice one – come up
City buzzes Lily in, goes to finish the line of coke, then goes to open the door. Enter Lily & Nelson.
City {upset} Lily
Lily There, there honey, whats up
City Its Daddy – he’s broken Larry the Axe’s legs
Lily So the wedding’s off
City Of course it is – I’m hobbling down the aisle with no man, for no man
Nelson That’s a shame, I liked Larry, he’s cool
City Not as cool as you Nelson, watching you two together, what you have, it made me realise I can do better
Buzzer goes
City Aw fuck
Lily Who’s that?
City I think it’s my dad
Don {intercom} Lemme in City, there’s a good girl
City I don’t want to see you
Lily What ya doing, nobody says no to the Don not even his precious daughter
City Ya right – sorry dad, do come up
Don {intercom} Cheers treacle
City Fuck’s sake
Lily I warned you about Larry the Axe, didn’t I – I told you your dad couldn’t stand him
Enter Don with Archie, Charlie & Bulldog
DIAMOND GEEZERS
Don I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys, Don’t you love those diamond geezers They act real flash & they splash the cash Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Charlie What’s that, you can’t pay up You’re having a laugh, aintcha The Don will not be happy Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday If you haven’t clear the debt by then, Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos
Don So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys, Don’t you love those diamond geezers They’re in your face like they own they place They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Archie Three pills for a tenner You’re having a life, aintcha I’ve got a wife & three kids to support Awight, awight, awight But I’m cutting my own throat here Here’s my number
Don Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser
All He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser
Archie So whats the meaning of life
Lily Whats the key to your story
Don Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory & don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar & every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa
Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys, Don’t you love those diamond geezers They act real flash & they splash the cash Like a bunch of Julius Caesars Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys, Don’t you love those diamond geezers They’re in your face like they own they place What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)
Don Why are you ignoring my calls, Felicity, what is the problem
Lily Don, how could you do what you did to Larry the Axe
Don I don’t give a flying fack wot you fink Lillian, that imbecile was definitely not right for my baby girl
City That’s not up to you to decide, tho, is it? I tell you who’s not right – YOU! – you’re not right in the fuckin’ head!
Don I did not like the way that little toerag was sleazing all over ya – he had hands like an octopus
City But he’s my fiance
Don He was your fiance
City I wish we never moved to Scotland – that’s the third one you’ve nobbled this year…
Don It’s them Jocks lav, I aint met one good enough for my princess yet – just wait & see, one day a nice English fella’s gonna sweep you off your feet
City {checks out Nelson} Maybe… but some of the Scots are alright Dad… Sound geezers
Don That may be so, baby doll, but we wont be here long, we’re not stoppin… no offence, Charlie
Charlie None taken
Archie Dad’s right, sis, as soon as he smoothes it over with the Robson brothers, we’ll be back in the manor before you know it
City I don’t know why we never went to Marbella
Don You know very well the Spanish authorities were sniffing abaht all over the gaff – It’s too hot out there at the moment
City Well, its fucking freezing in Leith – you’ve condemned me to a life of pointelle vests {optional line for Scottish actress} & I cannae stop blethering in this daft accent
Lily Don, come on, I respect you & everything, but can’t you see she’s upset – this is not a good time
Girls cuddle up
Nelson Maybe you should go, mate
Don Who the fuck are you?
Lily This is Nelson, he’s my new boyfriend
Don Nelson, eh… well I like the cut of your gib, son – I’ve never met anyone with the balls to tell me to fack off before – where ya from kid
Nelson Peebles
Don Peebles, where the fuck’s Peebles! Nevermind, they me call the Don, the Don, & any friend of Lily’s is a friend of mine, & if you’re a friend of mine you’ll be safe around Leith, alright
Nelson Its good to meet you, sir
Lily Don is one of the biggest gangsters {Don coughs} I mean one of the biggest businessmen in Edinburgh
Don That’s right – I was once like you Nelson, a complete fucking scumbag, but now, well, let’s just say I’m socially mobile, so whadda you do
Nelson What, like a job?
Don Yeah
Nelson I’ve just quit one actually – I was working in a shitty factory
Don Do you wanna work for me?
Nelson What?
Don I’ll pay you a decent wdge
Nelson What does it involve?
Don Well — basically, one of my business associates has just had an unfortunate mishap with a sledgehammer {City wails} Problem is, he was due to run mea little errand – all my other boys are tied up at the moment
Nelson Eh, what exactly will I have to do?
Don Its simples, you just fly over to Italy for a couple of days
Nelson Italy
Don Yeah, Italy… you fly over there, give someone a package from me, & fly back home, simples
Nelson I’m not a mule, Don, I’m not running drugs
Don Nah, nah, nah, nah – its nothing like that, basically I need to be able to hand deliver something – something close to my heart – a token of my sincerity – it’s a traditonal trust motif between businessmen
Nelson Well, I suppose that doesn’t sound too bad – & Italy, I’ve always wanted to go Italy
Don Yeah, a little holiday in the sun, you’ll love it – can you leave this this evening?
Nelson That’s a bit soon, innit
Don You got a problem with that?
Lily You can’t really say no Nelson
Nelson I can’t
Archie, Charlie & Bulldog We wouldn’t advise it
Nelson Well, in that case, I guess I’m off to Italy, woo-hoo
Don Good choice, boy, good choice – this is my son, Archie, he’ll sort out the package for ya
Archie Come with me
Nelson Right {to Lily} Well, I guess I’ll see you later, babe
Lily You’ll be fine – bring us back a nice handbag or something
Lily & Nelson embrace
City Nice to meet you hamdsome
Nelson You too Felicity
Archie Oi! Bawbag, hurry up
Nelson Alright, alright, I’m coming
Exit Nelson & Archie
Don Everyone quiet a minute {on the phone} Hello, Mr Vito, is that you, nice one – Listen, I’m sending over someone different tonight… yeah… yeah… look after him will ya – he’ll have it – you too Mr Vito –bye, bye, yeah, yeah, ciao, ciao
City Right, all of you out
Lily You heard her boys, off you trot
Don Alright, alright – Charlie! {Charlie offers City a grand in cash} This is to say I’m sorry about Larry the Axe… theres a couple of grand there – buy yourself something nice or something
City I don’t want your dirty drugs money, dad. I want Larry the Axe
Archie Come on, dad, she’ll calm down later
Don Yeah, Alright son, lets go… City I’ll see you later… love ya treacles
Don Vito is working out to disco music with Maria & Laura
FUNKABILITY
Don Vito Have you seen Don Vito Slick as Liberace I always wear the coolest clothes Armani, Versace
Maria & Laura They call him Mr Dandy He’s the coolest cat in town
Don Vito & when I’m feeling randy I get all those girls around Who say
Maria & Laura Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from? Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me Why don’t you show us some of your funkability Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Don I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy
Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi
Maria & Laura Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Maria & Laura Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality
Don Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy
Don Vito Allessandro
Allessandro whispers in Don Vito’s ear
Don Vito Ah Benvenuto in Italia! Sono Don Vito
Nelson Eh?
Don Vito You do not speak-a de Italian
Nelson Sorry, no
Don Well, let me start again – welcome to Italy – I am Don Vito
Nelson Very pleased to meet you Mr Vito, it’s an honour
Don Vito Piaceri – you are here on Donaldo’s business, si?
Nelson I am, Mr Vito
Don Vito So you have something for me
Nelson {handing over a package} Yes Mr Vito, its in there
Don Vito Grazie {getting a teddybear out of the package} Ah – bella – it is the famous Eduardo – Donaldo tells me he love-a this bear since he was a bambino, si. Now I-a love heem for loving this bear, & I love-a you for bringing this bear to me – molto, molto, molto, molto grazie – cosi, are you hungry, you wanna some-a food-a
Nelson Well, I‘m starving, actually
Don Vito Va bene – mangia!
Don Vito clicks his fingers / Maria & Laura bring out a table, chair, pizza & wine
Don Vito Mi scusi {makes a call} Ah Donaldo – your teddy bear bringa de tears to my eyes-a – everything will happen as we were discussing, the boat will be a-leaving the Netherlands tomorrow night – & you too Donaldo, ciao, ciao {hangs up phone} Nelson, I must-a take-a da care of some-a business – my girls will look after you – this Maria, & this is Laura
Nelson Ladies – thank you for your hospitality Mr Vito
Don Vito Niente, niente, ciao
Exit Don Vito
Maria So, Nelson, what would you like-a to do now you are in Roma, the most beautiful city in the world
Nelson I’ve always wanted to see the Trevi Fountain
Maria Of course – it is a very beautiful place! Va bene – eat your food, then andiamo
Nelson Andy who?
Laura Andiamo – lets go
Nelson My names not Andy, its Nelson
Laura Nooo – in Italian andiamo means ‘lets go’
Nelson It does, sorry about that – you got any ketchup
Maria gestures to Laura to get ketchup then stares at Nelson as he eats
Maria You Ingleesh eat-a like-a the peegs
Nelson I’m nae English, doll, I’m fae Scotland
Nelson tucks into his food like a hungry Highlander
SCENE 3: The Docks
A stormy night / Charlie & Archie enter a scruffy lock-up
Archie Nice…
Charlie Missing yer palace are ya Archie boy
Archie Fack off – anyways, chop em aht before them Sweeneys get ere
Charlie Sweeneys?
Charlie Y’know – Sweeneys, Benito Mussolinis
Charlie Eh?
Archie You know the Wops, the Itis, the Mafia boys
Charlie O yeah… big fat line do ya
Archie Sweet as mate
Charlie starts chopping out the lines / Sound of a boat’s engine
Archie Whats that?
Charlie They’re here
Archie Look ‘ard
Charlie & Archie snort a line of coke
GANGSTALAND
Archie Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe Took a little drive to the harbourside Gon’ meet me a mobster man
Archie & Charlie This is the way of the Gangstaland
Enter Allessandro & Luigi
Charlie Roll, roll, I got my dough Give it all away for a bag of blow But when that mobster turns around There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground
Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie
Archie What are we brethren fighting for?
Allessandro & Luigi It’s just the way when gangsters go to war
All From Paris, France, ter The sunny Cotes d’Azor Who’d wanna be a gangster When they go to war
Archie What the fuck are ya doin
Allessandro Your time has come Inglesi peeg!
Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie / Mafia Boys exit with cash
Charlie <crawling across floor to Archie> Frown, frown, my captain’s down Gotta get him back on my back to town I’ll lead my captain by the hand This is the way of the Gangstaland
Archie Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood We might fade away that’s understood But not if one of us can stand Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland
Archie What are we brethren fighting for?
Charlie It’s just the way when gangsters go to war
Archie Aaahhh! I’m in pain, Charlie, lots of pain
Charlie Come on son, hang in there, I’ll get ya home
Archie Am I gonna make it, Charlie, give it to me straight
Charlie Course you are, kid, course you are
Archie I’m fucking bleeding to death here Charlie
Charlie You’ll be alright son, hold in there
Exit Charlie & Archie verbalising his pain quite profusely
SCENE 4: The Don’s garden
The Don is arranging a wreath with a pair of secateurs / Bulldog arrives holding a classy phone on a silver tray
Bulldog Phone call boss
Don Who is it?
Bulldog Percy the Knife
Don What does that little runt want… tell him I’m busy arranging a wreath for my boy’s funeral & I do not appreciate being disturbed… alright
Bulldog But boss, he says it’s really important… he’s adamant you’ll wanna hear what he’s gotta say
Don Give it here – Hello… I know it’s you Percy, whaddayawant – are you sure… whereabouts – Did you follow him… Why not ya fackin imbecile… yeah, alright – O & Percy – if you see him again… stab him… {hangs up} CHARLIE!
Enter Charlie with his left arm in a sling
Charlie You alright boss?
Don You won’t believe this – Ooo! Nelson’s back… he’s just been spotted on a fucking tram – Ooo! the nerve of the – Ooo! The little… is he takin the piss or samfink – I mean, I take him under my wing, give him a job, a proper one n’all, he gets to travel to Italy on my good name, not to mention my good money, & nah, not only has he gone & set me up with those, with those… gangsters! Nah he’s back in town, bold as brass, swanning abaht like naffinks happened, taking the facking piss
Charlie It’s hard to know who to trust these days, eh Don?
Don Yeah – I trusted him like my own son, now my own son is dead because of that trust
Bulldog It’s worse than what Prince Charles did to lady Di with that Camilla slag
Don It definitely is Bulldog – I dint fink he ad it in ‘im – I must be getting sloppy in my old age, losing my sense of judgement – at least I can trust you boys – I’m sorry you got shot Charlie… how ya feeling
Charlie A bit sore boss, mi arms a bit fucked, but I’m alright
Don Right enough to do a job
Charlie Aye
Don Well I want him… an I want him nah
Charlie You got it
Don & Charlie
Charlie Aye
Don {giving Charlie a gun} I don’t gave a flyin fack if he’s breavin… awright
Charlie I’ll get on it straight away boss
Don Rubbish… ya gotta have samfink to eat first… build yer strength up… jellied eels do ya… Bulldog
Bulldog offers a bowl of jellied eels from a fancy pot
Charlie {turning nose up} Not today boss, they don’t agree with my antibiotics – doctor’s orders
The Don Nah warries – well, good luck son
Exit Charlie / the Don gets back to pruning his bush
City is at home, alone, chopping out a line of coke / the intercom buzzes
City Who’s that?
Nelson Alright City, its Nelson
City Nelson? Do come up
Enter Nelson wearing an Italian hand-bag
Nelson How’s it going
City floors Nelson with a handy mallet
Nelson What the fuck? Come on City, back off
After a tussle Nelson wrestles an agitated City to the floor
Nelson Have you gone mental or what!?
City How dare you… how could ya… why, why would ya
Nelson What ya on about… I’ve done nothing
City Naffink… how about setting my dad up with them murderous Wops
Nelson Wops? What… Don Vito
City Yeah, that’s the prick
Nelson Nah… not Don Vito… he’s a disco-dancing gangster
City Well, this diamond geezer o’ yours has just killed my little brother
Nelson Whoa! Archie’s dead
City Yep
Nelson Chill out City! Look me in the eyes – do you think I would honestly get involved in something like that – I’m gonna stand up now… the bats over there… if you don’t believe me, use it!
City It’s not a bat, it’s a mallet you muppet!
Nelson lets City go / she grabs mallet then pauses
Nelson You gonna tell me whats going on?
City Because of my mate Lily you got the best job in mi dad’s organisation, his fucking liaison officer, swanning off round the friggin’ world, all expenses paid, & all you could do is betray the family
Nelson What are you on about – what exactly happened to Archie?
City Well, Charlie & Archie were dahn the docks meeting your so-called mates – anyway, those fackin Wops decide to shoot everyone up & do a runner with the reddies & all the fucking coke
Nelson Shit! I don’t know what to say… Don Vito seemed sound as fuck
City So, you really knew nothing about it
Nelson Too fuckin right I knew nothing about it
City He’s a facking gangster, Nelson, of course he’s facking dodgy – in this game the only people you can really trust are the members of your own family – & I’ve just gone & lost the one I trusted most, my beautiful bravver, Archie
Nelson Talk about fucked up – this time last week I was safe & sound in Peebles – I’d never even seen Edinburgh, let alone been to Italy. But, there’s no chance now I’m ever going back, Peebles is shit. I’m staying in Edinburgh now, & whatever happens I gotta sort it out with the Don.
City You’re ‘avin a fackin laugh aintcha, my dad would have you killed the moment he saw you -listen, its Archie’s funeral tomorrow, I’m all over the place, have a drink with me, Moet & Chandon, very expensive
Nelson Why not, I deffo need a drink after all these revelations – its madder than Death In Paradise
City pours him champagne
City Cheers – let’s have a cheeky line as well {City starts chopping out the lines} You know, Lily’s a lucky girl, to find a guy like you, you’re cute & clever… a proper lush combo
Nelson Thanks, but speaking of Lily – where the fuck is she – she’s just vanished
City Ask TC
Nelson TC?
City Yeah, she bolted to his the night it kicked off… she was in a right old state – we had a wee chat, didn’t speak long, & I haven’t heard a tinkle from her since – she’s even off her facebook
Nelson & her twitter, snapchat, messenger, instagram & her whats app – I’ve tried ’em all
City Yep, very weird
Nelson {getting up} I’ve gotta find her
City What’s the rush? Do you not fancy chilling for a bit, tell me all about your trip, I could do with the company
Nelson I’d love too… you know I would… but I can’t…
City runs to the front door / locks it / Nelson laughs & walks to City
Nelson Come on City, dont mess us about, give me them keys
City {putting them down her bra} Why dont you get em yerself
***
LETS GET IT ON
Nelson Ya betta know ya business Ya gotta twirl those girls around Then you can swap yer missus for the cutest girl in town You gotta act all surreptitious Gotta sneak in right behind Lace her neck with kisses That stuffs sure to blow her mind
City I say get down eezy geezer God I’d love to dance with you You got the grooves & I got the moves & one & one makes two Because two’s a lovely number Cos it kicks the ass off one Before the morning slumbers Us two kids can get it on
Nelson Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my girl You are the one for me Tonight
City Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my boy I am the one for you,
Nelson Damn right
City Damn right
Both Hey!
They dance
Nelson I love the way ya waltzing Thro’ the funkstyle on the floor Like a starving solzenhitsen Waving scarves of semaphore & I love the way yer hanging Like a bird upon the air I love yer smile, & I love yer style & I’d love to smell your hair
City So how about it baby The call is up to you I can make you feel your body’s real Just how you’d like me to
Yes, two’s a lovely number Cos it kicks the ass off one Before the morning slumbers Us two kids can get it on
Nelson Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my girl You are the one for me Tonight
City Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my boy I am the one for you,
Nelson Damn right
City Damn right
Both Hey!
Nelson Well you are so fucking tidy & I know you know you are Like a pornographic Heidi In a silver jaguar On a drive beside the ocean On a balmy night in June When the stars dance in devotion To the music of the moon Lets get it on Lets get in on my girl You are the one for me Tonight
City Because two’s a lovely number Cos it kicks the ass off one Before the morning slumbers Us two kids can get it on
Nelson Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my girl You are the one for me Tonight
City Let’s get it on Let’s get in on my boy I am the one for you,
Nelson Damn right
City Damn right
Both Hey!
They are just about to kiss when the Intercom buzzes
Nelson Don’t answer it
City It might be Lily
Nelson In that case, definitely don’t answer it
City Who’s that?
TC Alright City, darlin, its TC, let us in
City Hey TC come up
Nelson How does he do that?
City We’ll carry on where we left off later, right
Nelson Ehm, about that, I think we got a bit carried away there – that coke of yours is pretty strong
City That wasn’t the coke, Nelson, that was our chemistry
TC starts banging on the door
City Hang on, hang on – shit where’s my keys, I can’t find them
Nelson I think they’re down, ehm
City Oh, yeah
City opens the door
TC Alright City, hey Nelson, what the fuck are you doing here?
Nelson I’ve just got off the plane
TC If I were you I’d jump on the first flight back – you do know you’re a dead man walking
Nelson So I’ve heard – but listen man, honesty, I never knew those Mafia Boys were up to nae good
TC Of course you didn’t, mate, you’re too fucking stupid to pull a heist that slick – but there’s blood on somebody’s hands & unfortunately, your fingerprints are all over the shooter – say, is that a little changa I see before me
City Help yourself
TC Sound
Nelson So TC, have you seen Lily
TC Lend us a card
Nelson {getting out his bank card} Where is she
TC How do I know?
Nelson Yer a good guy TC, but sometimes yer go too far with that funny shit…
City He knows where she is
TC Alright, alright…she’s staying with me, but she won’t be in tonight, thou’, she’s off to Glasgow… says she’ll be back tomorrow
Nelson What’s she doing in Glasgow
TC {snorting coke} She never said
Intercom buzzes
City Fuck’s sake – who’s that?
Charlie Let us in Felicity
City Shit – its Charlie
Nelson Well tell him you’re not in or summat
City It’s a bit late for that – what do you want Charlie
Charlie Its yer dad’s business
City Hang on a minute, let me just get dress’d – what do I do
TC I don’t know about you, but he needs to get out of here pronto
City The kitchen window leads out back
TC Nice one… Nelson come on, let’s do one
City Where ya going
TC We’ll be down the Bongo Club, Erb & Ting are on
Nelson & TC leave / buzzer still going
City Awright keep yer hair on… in yer trot
Enter Bulldog & Charlie
Charlie Where is he?
City Who?
Charlie Don’t take the piss… I know Nelson’s back in Leith & odds on he’s been here…
City Aint seen him
Charlie Whats all this then? Two glasses ! Looks like you’ve had company, sweetheart – Bulldog, have a shifty
City One of my girlfriends popped round for a glass of wine & lines – she left about five minutes ago – anyway, how dare ya burst into my house & start shoutin yer maath off like that… I don’t have to explain myself to you – just wait til my dad hears about your antics
Charlie {picking up bank card} My antics? I think he’ll be more interested in hearing about this – Nelson’s fuckin bank card – what a coincidence, eh? – tell me where he is & we’ll say no more about it
Bulldog ‘E’s not here boss
Charlie Any ideas?
Bulldog He could be with TC
Charlie Of course, what am I thinking – shite attracts shite dunnit, & the pair of them act like a couple of fackin buffters
Bulldog There’s a rave down the Bongo tonight boss
Charlie Yeah, yeah, that’s where they’ll be alright
City Nah, nah, TC’s left town for a few days, & Nelson’s gone back to Peebles, he says, to see his gran, she’s ill or summat
Charlie Lyin bitch – if you weren’t his daughter, I swear…
City Well I am… so, what that fuck ya gonna do about it, big man
Charlie A headfuck without the bodyfuck… whats the point
Bulldog Lifes a bitch then yer marry one boss
Charlie Exactly, now come on, let’s get down the Bongo
The Conchordia Folio 
