Category Archives: Leithology

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As a living poet I have always held a torch to tradition, using models like pillars on which to build my own poetical buildings. The Conchordia Folio is no different, for any self-respecting poet of substance, if turning to the dramatic arts, should really be focussing on the eminent dramatic poet of the language & his body of work.

But there is emulation & there is evolution, & for my own essay into theatre I have taken on board the love of my own zeitgeist for the Broadway/West End musical which has created, when blended with Shakespearean iambic pentameter, what I have call’d ‘Conchordia.’ In its purest essence it means ‘with chords,’ & all the songs I have provided for the conchords can be played on an acoustic guitar.

One must also praise the folk duo ‘The Flight Of The Conchords,’ who really raised the bar as to what an individual performer must be – part singer, part songwriter, part actor, part comedian, part dancer, etc… i.e. all the muses operating in a single bodily space.

The first 13 conchords of the CONCHORDIA FOLIO are;

LEITHOLOGY
Alibi
Tinky Disco
Gangstaland
Timewarpin’
No Nay Never

GODS OF THE RING
Fight Of The Century
Sunshine Showdown

LYRICAL HISTORIES
Flight of The White Eagles
Malmaison
Stars & Stripes
The Siege of Gozo
Charlie
Viriathus

Millhouse Green
22/04/21


The Conchordia Folio: An Interview with Damian Beeson Bullen (September 2019)

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Ever imagined what would have happen’d
If the Stone Roses had teamed up with Shakepseare? The Mumble caught up with the man behind it all…


Hello Damo. So you are here to talk about your new project, the Conchordia Folio – what’s it all about?
Hello Mumble. Well, in essence the folio is a collection of dramatic scripts, per se, rather like the Shakespearean folio. The only difference is I’m assembling it myself, whereas the Bard’s was collated by his pals a few years after his death. It should be ready in book & audio form by the Spring. There’ also an element of competition here – why not, you only get one life. As a poet I’ve written a better epic than Milton, but Shakespeare seems untouchable. But so were Liverpool FC before Fergie got the Man U job, & after declaring he wanted to ‘knock them off their fuc£king perch’ he went on to do so. I know I’m definitely a better bass-payer than Shakespeare, so I knew had to incorporate music into my scripts, play to my strengths kinda thing. Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch!

So how exactly do you intend to ‘Knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch?’
I mean look, if a guy can run a marathon in less than two hours, another guy can outdo Shakespeare. Its the whole point of being human right, to better ourselves. Methodwise, its simple really. I’ve tried to outdo his sonnets already, creating a sequence of 154 which if you put against Shakespeare’s 154, I think I’ve got the edge. So it’ll be the same idea with the plays. I need to create a canonical 37 which when placed next to Shakepseare’s own 37, lets leave it to posterity to decide. My edge, I think, is going to be more penetrable language, shorter pieces & some proper banging tunes.

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Performing Alibi at Eden Festival, 2018

Thirty Seven plays – thats an awful lot to create in a single sitting – how long do you think will it take to achieve?
Well, I’ve written/been writing an epic poem, Axis & Allies, since 2001, so I can handle large projects no problemo. But I have set myself a time limit. With Shakespeare writing his last play, The Tempest, over the winter of 1610-1611, then he was 46 years old, approaching 47. For an even playing field, then, I need to be finishing my 37th play about the same time. I turn 47 in June 2024, so I’ve got just under four years to finish them all. Its totally doable, by the way, & watching that guy run a sub-two-hour marathon thro sheer hard work & dedication inspired me. I guess its a bit like if you got an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, or whatever it was, one of them would randomly recreate the works of William Shakespeare OR you get one very determined bard from Burnley on an emulation mission creating something rather like the complete works of William Shaksepeare.

So what exactly is Conchordia?
Well. Its essentially the artform I’m inventing. Stripped down to its most basic level the term can be interpreted as ‘with chords’ – the idea is that one can witness a piece of drama accompanied by a single acoustic guitar. That’s the core. Then, I realised that guitar could be played by a performer, which reminded me of the very funny Flight of the Conchords duo. They are like proper multi-taskers – acting, singing, dancing, playing guitars – that’s what I want ‘Conchordian’ to be able to do. Act, sing, dance & playing instruments when they’re not on stage – even if its just percussive. Also, since Concord the airplane is now defunct, the name is up for grabs these days & I like idea of people going for a ride in one of my conchords.

What traits & attributes sets Conchordia apart from the other arts?
Each of the Conchordia has different DNA – there’s some that are just rock opera with barely any dialogue, & some that are simply musicals with an acoustic guitar. My later creations, however, are definitely realising a vision of theatre I have been developing. As a poet I have a gift for blank verse – its the most artistic way of expressing human speech. Shakespeare used it, so it can’t be that bad right? It certainly feels like at this point in time I’m the leading exponent of dramatic blank verse on the planet. I mean I just love it – there is a dynamic flow in those unrhymed five-stress ten styllable lines that  seems like the dream of ordinary speach in a greater version of humainity – the idealised tongue. The English also have a genius for songwriting, while the Americans have mastered the musical. So if we blend all these together – Shakespearean blank verse, English songwriting, plus a wee splash of Broadway, you get Conchordia.

What other musical instruments are used in Conchordia, apart from the percussion?
Well, to be honest, there’s no limit. I’m going off the old edict that for a song to be a good song it needs to sound good sung on its own with only an acoustic guitar. But any producer of a conchord may use that basis to add an orchestra, or a rock & roll band, anything they like really. Each text also has a few ‘set’ pointers, which may also be interpreted as the company sees fit.

Have you performed any of your conchords yet?
I have actually – last year I put on a piece called Alibi at the Haddington Corn Exchange & also at the Eden Festival. It was fun – everyone enjoyed performing it & watching it. Doing Alibi made me realise I was onto something & began to look at my past pieces.

Your past pieces, what do you mean?
Alibi was the first slice of musical theatre I ever did – in 2007 & 2008. I was wintering in Sicily & got an acoustic guitar for Christmas, 2006. I then started looking at my old songs, connecting the common threads & adding a story. Bingo, my first conchord! I performed a it a few times in Edinburgh, Sheffield & Leeds. Next was a piece called Charlie, about the Jacobite rebellion, which I made into a film. About that period, & ever since, I’ve created a few others, but all in sketch form, in various states of completion. The Conchordio Folio is the moment I get them all nailed – a line in the sand, so to speak.

What Conchords are to be included in the Folio?
Like I said before, 37. The first five come together in a quintology  called Leithology. There’s Alibi, Gangstaland, one I haven’t given a title to, a time-travelling one called Timewarpin’ & Tinky Disco. The idea is that they all interlink through characters, who each get a main musical to strut their stuff in. Like the X-Men franchise. Tinky Disco is based loosely upon The Tinky Disco Show, & will see the return of DJ Brooklyn – like a 21st century Falstaff. There are quite a number of histories – Charlie, Finnesburgh – based on a story in Beowulf – Malmaison, which tells the story of Napoleon on his return to Paris after Waterloo, one about Princess Diana, & Gods of The Ring, about the Foreman, Ali, Frazier fights in the 70s. There’s also a trilogy called The Rock & Roll Wars, its essentially a battle of the bands on a cosmic level. There’s Exes & Axes, a 19th century tale of romantic betrayal set in 19th century France – it doesn’t quite fit with any of the others, but its really funny.


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Composing Conchordia: Provence (February 2020)

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At the teddy bear shrine of Elizabeth Drummond

Just as Shakespeare toured Italy as a prelude to the writing of his Italian plays, when deciding to compose a conchord on Gaston Dominici, I thought a story-hunting trip to Provence in order to commune with the ghosts of that most famous of 20th century crimes would surely help my craft. The crime in question is the 1952 roadside murder of nutritionist Sir Jack Drummond, his wife & their 10 year old daughter. They had camped for the night near a farmhouse owned by Gaston Dominici, a 75 year old patriarch in whose barn was kept the WW2 carbine which shot Sir Jack & his wife, & then clubbed to death little Elizabeth. A shocking case which brought the world to the Durance Valley & also sucked to the surface old family quarrels & familiar local feuds which in the end saw Gaston sentenced to death. In the clear light of seven decades it seems likely that the perpetrator was Gaston’s grandson, 16 years old & probably drunk at the time, Roger Perrin.

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Last Thursday myself, Spud, Victor Pope & ex-Tinky Disco bandmate Al Roberts all made our bleary-eyed ways to Edinburgh airport for a 9.45 AM flight. Me & Spud always get wound up by Al leaving his house in a slow-shabby fashion, so opted to get to the airport ourselves – I took a tram & he the shuttle bus. Vic & Al shared an Uber without any mess-ups, which surprised us & proved a good omen to our week together on the road. As we stepped onto the tarmac to board our plane, the Scottish chill was fully raging & I was very much looking forward to a respite from the seemingly endless Caledonian winter.

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Gyptis choosing Euxene

A handful of hours later we were in Marseille & checking into our Air B&B right beside the Old Harbour, or Vieux Port. This was the spot where in 600 BC a guy called Euxene arrives from Phocae (an ancient part of Turkey) just in time for the local king’s daughter’s ‘choosing ceremony.’ In short, among a group of gathered suitors, Euxene was the one given a goblet of wine by princess Gyptis, who would later change her name to Aristoxenus. Euxene & Aristoxenus, now that’s already got the hallmarks of a conchord, I thought to myself, in the same way I thought that Gaston Dominici has a Motzartean ring about it. Looking at the Gyptis story at that point, tho, it unfortunately seemed a bit weak to make a conchord out of…

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Marseille with the lads was fun. Kicking back with a smart TV & cheap beer in the hypermodern flat or on the balcony overlooking the harbour, with the pointed cathedral rising on the central Marseille hill beyond. On the smart TV, we watched Netflix, played all our music videos, while Al could send to it our recent recordings – an album called the New Truth. I couldn’t help but notice the technological advancement of the species – the last time I was in Provence was 20 years ago & for fun me & my pal, Bryn, ended up making a chess board out of paper & stones. Here’s an extract from my journal of that time.


May 10th, 2000

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We woke up proper spangled, but a quick dip in the exquisitely cool pool proved enough of a respite from our frail noggins & we were able to pack & head out to Cannes. It was the first day of the festival & full of noisy Yanks, so we soon got out of dodge, striking inland on a bus to Grasse, a lovely town stacked high against the hillside. We had a couple of hours to kill so wandered around a bit & to our delight found it very swell, with lovely narrow streets & great prospects of the Cotes d’Azore in the distance.

After sending off our postcards we hopped on a bus north along La Route Napoleon. The view was spectacular as we climbed & wound thro’ the mountains, each one clad in trees giving a baize effect, & I could imagine Napoleon & his column following the same road. A rapid mist descended, however, followed soon after by heavy rain which showed no intention of letting up as we were unceremoniously dumped in the wee hamlet of Seranon. We dived into the only bar around for shelter & refreshment, obtaining a few funny looks off the funny looking locals.

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In the days before group emails & blogs

Eventually we found out the bus north didn’t leave til the morning, so we were stuck. We didn’t fancy putting the tent up in the rain so opted for a hotel. A friendly couple drove us a half mile down the road to their mate’s hotel, which was closed. Luckily the mustached madame opened it up for us (a whole hotel to ourselves), but we were forced to share a double bed (with pants on obviously). As soon as we paid our 15 francs the sun came out & we heaved a table up to the roof, bought wine, cheese, bread & sausage & had a most pleasant supper among the mountains. It was cool, me musing & Bryn sketchin’ & it felt nice to be doing spot of real travelling, the only sound being the constant chuckle of crickets. Bryn very correctly brought up the point we were stuck in a one horse dive & had less than two days to get to Venice, but I re-assured him all would be reyt. We made a chess-board out of paper & stones & played to the setting of the sun, before all the wine & well-thought-out moves took their toll & sent us both a-slumbering.


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At a monument to Rimbaud, Marseille seafront

Fastforward to 2020, on our first full day in France – Brexit day as it so happened – we enjoyed a daytime riviera stroll, followed by a wicked night out at bohemian La Plaine – a very funky part of Marseille. Drinking & dancing & downing tequilas, we met an English busker called Charlie, & his Slovakian girlfriend. The gods had answered our pleas, & he actually had 3 guitars. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t steal them – it’ll be too expensive to check them into our flights back,’ put him off from coming round for a jam, but he agreed to meet us the next day for a wee busk.

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It was more than a joy the following afternoon to find ourselves all jamming together by Marseille harbour to the infinite delight of the locals. Our immediate audience consisting of an annoying kid who kept banging the guitars, a Czech street lassie & a Parisenne rock-chick who finds Marseille a cheaper place to live. Before then, I’d taken a solo morning mission up to Allauch, a hilltop village right on the edge of the Marseille conurbation. It was at the old castle, even higher still, that I filmed the following Pendragon Poetry post, talking all about Conchordia.

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Allauch
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I was up in the hills as I’d read that a possible Gyptis object had been found in a hillside cave nearby. The curator of the slick local museum begged to differ, but I said I’m a poet & I didn’t want the truth to get in the way of a good story. Yes, a conchord was being born & on the way back to the appartment I googled a few Greek myths & found one, which I felt I could use – Alcyone and Ceyx. Basically, they offended the gods by calling themselves Hera & Zeus, & ended up being drowned & then turned into birds. A little creative furnace-burning later & I’d transmorped the myth into Euxene & Aristoxenus being turned into the the islands of Pomègues and Ratonneau which lie off the mouth of Marseille harbour. Like the Phaecean ship which carried Odysseus to Ithica being turned to stone.

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Alcyone & Ceyx
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Pomègues and Ratonneau

Compositionwise I only managed a few speeches from VIRIATHUS in Marseille – the second Senate scene – in the early morning before the boys woke up, mainly at a cafe by the harbour. I usually compose on my morning East Lothian walks with Daisy, accompanied otherwise only by nature and the essential headspace needed to really zone out. Not so easy in a busy city as ever. There was no way I was going to achieve my goal of finishing Viriathus on this trip & then starting ‘The Flight of the White Eagles, ‘ – my conchord about the retreat from Moscow – the notes for which I worked intensively on before I set off. Still, they are all in the bank & Viriathus should be finished within days. I’ll be recreating the antics & dashing chit-chat of Seargant Bourgogne soon enough!

Capture

We left Marseille the next day, the sunshine heating up, arriving by train at the Durance valley & the station which serves La Brilliane & Oraison. The River Durance patches its way between them on a hugely wide stony river bed, with hills framing the scene on either side, & the snow-capped Alps closing the vista far to the north at Digne. Public transport round these parts is pretty neglible, & with it being Sunday afternoon no shops were open. Of that first of the two matters, we soon hit paydirt. After walking over the bridge to Oraison, beyond the frustratingly closed intermarche, we came to a carpark where I asked a lovely fella could he take us to Dabisse, & he agreed gladly.

IMG_20200202_180849.jpgDabisse is a wee village with a bar & a bus stop kinda thing. The bar was well busy, tho, its car park full of temporary pebbledash for a meeting of the region’s petanque teams. It was a really serendiptous, masonic, monastic moment listening to the clink-clinks & murmours of the play. Getting a carry-out together we went back to our villa & gorged on the food previous Air B&B-ers had left behind – a severe stroke of luck for a hungry bunch on a Sunday.


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Ah, the good old days! Roll on a nigh decade & I found myself composing Viriathus, drinking wine by the pool of a plush villa in Provence. We had a look at the pool, but soon covered it up again – early February means a bit of algae & no need for pool-use, I guess.

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The fridge was now full. We’d hitched a lift to Oraison in the morning off the lovely John Christmas (real name Jean-Noel), stocked up at the supermarket, then caught a taxi back to Dabisse for the day. And what a day, far from the Scottish chill and ended by a walk with Al for a sunset view over the Durance valley.

Some of those 21 degree sun-soaked, Senate-based Viriathus lines composed by the pool read like this ;

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Galba
Senators of our majestic city
& many other regions in its stride,
This treaty is, in the highest degree,
Dishonorable to all we stand for,
Staining Servilianus’ career,
Viriathus is a craved barbaric,
Beheading, disembowelling at will,
A bandit on an unsubsistive soil –
To him a border is a line to cross
To empty beaten innocents of blood
& topple pillars, pillaging obscene.

Lupius
Obscene? Objection! You paint him monster,
Humanity, his high ascendency,
Distributes unifying spiritus
That never in the passage of this war,
In armies of tribal variety,
Was ever spill’d sedition, all obey’d,
All fearless in the presence of danger –
As statesman he was neither humble-knee’d
Nor overbearing in leagues & treaties,
Faithful, exact, aequis, veritable,
Vir Duxque Magnus, ancient ideals
Penetrated atoms of existence,
& as the adsertur of Hispania
Let us assert our honour to his will
Make good his claims to the fame of the world,
Too many lost already in that place
We owe him our respect

Galba
We owe him death
The retributive slew for youth hard lost.

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So to yesterday – the ultimate object of this mission & a trip to La Grand Terre, the farmhouse of the Dominicis. It began in fine fashion with me & Spud arguing about how to get to Lurs – it was a case of his gammy leg versus my abundant energy & in the end the lads got a taxi & I walked the muddy Durance-side fields down to the bridge & back up the other side. I got to Lurs scrambling up its rocky slopes & arrived at its medieval core to see the lads waiting at the entrance. Once reunited we hit the old goat tracks down to the road, & using a little satnav orienteering came out at the very spot where the Drummonds were murdered. The poignant teddy bear shrine is testament to the locals’ indignation at the death of a child.

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Looking back from Lurs Terrace on the way I had walked – Dabisse is the village middle left & I walked by the Durance to the right of the photo
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Oraison is the town in the middle distance – I crossed the bridge there & walked to this point
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Approaching La Grand Terre

After La Grand Terre, I’d got it in my head that we could ford the Durance – Dabisse was more or less facing us on the other bank. The lads humoured me & watched me make tentative efforts on a scouting mission in the shallower bits – but the plan was soon aborted & we caught a taxi back. That night I ruminated in a Pendragon fashion on the Drummond murders & got a pretty plausible idea of what went on that night – which I’ll use in my composition.

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The next day we chilled in the sun til 2PM, caught a taxi to the station, then a train to Saint Antione, conducted a wee walk to our Air B&B off La Pennes Mirabeau, then caught the Rangers-Hibs game over beers. At 6AM we hired a lift off our landlord to the airport & we were finally in Edinburgh by 9.30 AM. On the flight I pretty much worked out the structure of the Dominic conchord – 4 acts with a cliffhanger ending each one – & began sketching it out on the inside cover of an Agatha Christie book I was reading on the holiday- A Pocketful of Rye. Just like Agatha I was going backwards from the ending, & there’s a chance I could have a wee Mousetrap on my hands if I get mi ‘ead down. With bangin’ tunes & Shakespearean blank verse, of course!

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Composing Conchordia: Vaulting The Lockdown (May 2020)

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After the completion of the Leithology quintology – which will soon be on sale on all platforms – & the composition of Viriathus & Malmaison, I felt THE FLIGHT OF THE WHITE EAGLES was going to be a real statement-maker. If I really do wanna emulate Shakespeare, I need definitive works with meaty bodies – a bit like Hamlet innit – & so turned to Napoleon’s infamous retreat from Moscow as the first of my major conchords. There’s a hell of a lot of drama obviously, & when it comes to stagecraft the visual deterioration of the soldiers will be a wonderful story to tell.

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With five acts of seven or so scenes each, all bubbling with blank verse & containing both original songs & songs drawn from the period itself, WHITE EAGLES definitely marks a placement of my muse on a Parnassian plateaux of sorts. No looking back now – ten down, 27 to go!

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LEITHOLOGY – Available in book form soon

I began researching WHITE EAGLES last year after reading the fabulous ‘Memoirs of Sergeant Bourgogne.’ From this first catalyst – I was very verteux at the time – I began to research other memoirs up in the National Library of Scotland, such as those of Caulaincourt, & set to work on the composition period not long after my return from Provence sometime in mid-February. Then the Lock Down happened. I don’t need to rattle on about it, everyone’s experiencing it. I’m lucky tho’ – I walk dogs with my girlfriend which meant I could to & fro between my places in Edinburgh & East Lothian for ‘work that cannot be done from home‘ – the dog numbers had drastically plumetted, but there was enough to make it valid & of course meant I could compose pretty much anyway I liked – from the Lammermuirs to Leith Links. Here’s a Walking East Lothian post I created during the Lock Down.

Musically, WHITE EAGLES has been something of an educational dream, help’d along by my house-mate’s keyboard playing. By February I had a couple of tunes, but then began to write more & add local colour so to speak, translating from the French lyric into the English. Of my new songs THE BALLAD OF BORODINO is really beautiful I think, & THE GREAT NAPOLEON really fun – the Herod moment – my house mate incorporating the Tetrislike theme tune into via some techno rave from the 90s via Hicksy & Sharky. He also fell in love with Plaisir D’Amour & Compere Guillere.

The full list of songs is below, with astersks denoting my own compositions)

The Sable Raven – English version
Marlbrough is Going To war – English version
Plasir D’amour
Parisienne Skies (*)
On Va Leur Percer Le Franc
The Blood of Borodino (*)
Pomme de Terres (*)
Compere Guillere – French Version
Song of the Loricated Legion (*)
My Handsome Husband (*)
Soarin’ Home (*)
Chant du Depart
Crossing the Bridge (*)
The Great Napoleon (*)
Compere Guillere – English version (*)
Au Clair de la Lune
Le Depart Du Bologne
The March from Moscow (*)

Theatrically, there are a lot of parts – three main bodies of 8-10 characters; Napoleon & his entourage, Bourgogne’s company & the Russian partisans. There’s also another 20 or so walk-in parts, plus the crossing of the Berezhina bridge to depict – but whenever WHITE EAGLES does get performed everyone’s gonna JUST love it!

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Artistically, WHITE EAGLES is the bag daddy to Malmaison, but together they form a very good account of Napoleon’s life. Like I said at the start, it also represents the foot-scrambling heave onto the plateaux from where the rest of my conchords will be composed.

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The first of this new bunch is GODS OF THE RING & I’m extremely excited about it. The principle subject is the four fights between Ali, Foreman & Frazier, & all the dramas before, during, after & between the fights. The names of these epic combats have gone down in history – THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY, THE SUNSHINE SHOWDOWN, THE RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE & THE THRILLA IN MANILLA. Like White Eagles I’ve already got two tunes in the bank, a theme tune & the sublime, best song I’ve written in ages, BLACK POWER. I’ve been compiling the notes in the past few days, the bulk of which were studied for in the National Library just before the Lockdown.  I’m gonna print out the first notes today & get composing soon after.

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With White Eagles taking just over three months, & June the 1st on the horizon, I’ve got a feeling that every new conchord is gonna take a season – so Gods of the Ring is the conchord of the summer of 2020 – the weird summer, the one where the theatres were closed. For me, I think I’ll be spending some of it hopefully in Greece, where the next of these windows into my workings will be composed.


Songs From ALIBI

TURNAROUND

ULTRA  GROOVY HIGH

MUMBO JUMBO

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

BLONDE GIRLS

BIRDLAND

LOVE YA BABY

FAITH LOVE & UNDERSTANDING

LILY’S SONG

ALWAYS & FOREVER


TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny,
Let me tell you man I swear
If I had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years
For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then oh maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin’ for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin’
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho’ the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround


ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’
Down the road, I hear my callin’
In the music that I’m singin’ man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin’ now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin’ thro’…

There’s a rollercoaster risin’ man
Above the blue horizon &
You’ll never put a price upon
The way I’m feelin now
You’d never know

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly


MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground….


FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuck’d up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin’ around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,

Bouncer
Ya goin’ down…

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana


BLONDE GIRLS

Nelson
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Hey blondie, nice ass can I touch it
Cos it makes me go weak at the knees
Your posterior is shakin’ up my area
I’m beggin yer darlin’ let me touch it please

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
Hey lady, you guessed it, you’d get it
That’s the best ass I’ve ever seen
& your posterior is shakin’ up my area
I’m beggin’ yer darlin’ let me kiss your booty clean

Because blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise

Because brunettes are better in the winter
God damn it everythin’ gonna get in the spring
& in autumn those auburns are better
But in summertime those blonde girls
Well they’re my thing

Blonde girls are better in the summer
When the sun is shinin’ high
They’re my golden flower lovers
With their sky-blue ocean eyes
I swear they’re angels in disguise


BIRDLAND

Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man
& I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers
But they never stick around long enough to say
Lets take a trip underneath your covers
Cos I feel like your lover today

I’m looking for my equal
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me…

& I feel like a dusky jewel,
my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you
& I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate
There’s so many love songs I have to write
Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet
Cos I feel like a lady tonight

I’m looking for my hero
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me shine…
Sh-sh-sh-shine
Come on & come on & shine
Shine on my baby, come on & shine


LOVE YA BABY

Nelson
I got the notion to show some emotion
We could be lovers if you only knew
All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout
High over skyscrapers that I love you
I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well shame on you,
Cos you’re just full of it
what a crock of shit
All you want’s a bit of what I got
feelings that I feel
Thought they could be real
But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot

Nelson
But I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby & I know my love is true
Cos ever since I met ya girl
You just gone & blown my world
So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do

Lily
How can you love me
You hardly know my name

Nelson
I love ya baby

Lily
But I do not feel the same

Nelson
Look lady I’m not full of shit
You just can’t handle it
Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life
Baby cant ya see
We were meant to be
It is your destiny to be my wife

I love ya baby…. yes I do
I love ya baby,
Look what the hell you put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well I DONT LOVE YOU
You are a liar, you are dishonest
You drive me crazy with all your promises
First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’
Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’
You say ya love me
You hardly even know my name
How can ya love me when I do not feel the same
You are a user & now you know the score
You are a loser, sonny there’s the door


MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Nelson
Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it
When ya need it, ya aint got it
When ya want it, ya can’t have it
& nobody gives a damn
About all those people
Who are so obsess’d with greed
I think if I stole their credit cards
Their very souls would bleed
But above all else, the strangest thing
I find to be real funny
Is that love is real & real is real
But there’s no such thing as money
Money, money, money…

TC
Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it

Nelson
Dunno

TC
Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths…

Nelson
I went down to the jewellers
With a house-brick in my hand,
I chuck’d it thru the windah
& I snook myself a grand,
I heard sirens to the left
& I heard violence to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight
Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree
Than a flunky of a fuckt up society

Nelson & TC
{Nelson gives TC jewels}
Money, money, money

TC
Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool

Nelson
Is a copper bent!

TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is there

TC
We went to play the tables
On the shady side of town,
I met the cool pool gen’ral,
All the hustlers gather’d round,
I potted trick-shots to the left,
I potted fluke-shots to the right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pool hall tonight…
Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea
Than a captain of the rock aristocracy

Nelson, TC, Chorus
Money, money, money…

Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrested

Coppers
Well hello sunshine, how do you do
You got the face that fits the crime
& son we’re after you
You might be pretty, you might be a cat
But in my city be a diplomat
Cos this country is a queen bee
& we workers make her honey
So do the time & pay the fine
& hand over all your money

All
Money, money, money…

Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police station

Nelson
So they dragg’d me to the station
Where I knew I couldn’t fail,
“Take those fuckin cuffs off me
& let me out on bail!”
I had tit-head to mi left
& I had nipple-head to mi right,
I aint ever felt so funky
As in the pig-house tonight
Cos I’d rather be somebody like me
Than a flunky of this fuckt up society

Copper 2 leads the general to the cells

Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter
Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker
Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher,
Healer, dealer, spiritual believer,

Shunter, hunter your average punter
Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper?
Ticket inspector, comic collector,
A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler

A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine
A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker
A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker,
A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster
Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler
Alas, o woe is me…

Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money


ALIBI

Nelson
I never did it,
They got the wrong guy
& I’m tellin’ ya girl
We’re too young to die
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
You were with me yesterday
Be my Alibi

I didn’t do it
Why would I lie
I am an honest man
Just look into my eyes when you can
& I’m beggin’ ya darlin say
We were loving the night away
Be my Alibi
Now I’m down on my knees as I pray
Please don’t throw our love away
Be my Alibi x 4


FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING

Brenda
It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time,
Right time to show how yer feelin’,
You want to share your life
But life can be so demanding,
This is the day, now what a day, come alive,
Lay down & bear up your soul,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding

Nah, Nah, Nah…

Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again

Nah, Nah, Nah…

Brenda
{singing to General}
It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time,
Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies,
Future seems far away
But future is always pendin’,
This is the night, now what a night,
Come around,
Wake up & answer her call,
All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding

Some people love to lead their life
Some people like to wait
But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate

& I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new
Gonna act upon the chemistry
And see this love thing thru – Nah, Nah, Nah…

Nelson
I’ve stopped lookin’ for today
But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel no pain
I just wanna find my way
Thro these fields of pain & sorrow
Will I feel her love again

Nah, Nah, Nah…


LILY’S SONG

I don’t feel myself today
Or the things I used to say
Maybe I just shed my skin
Found the new lily within

But he’s gnawin’ at my mind
& he’s clawing at my conscience
I’m hopin’ I can find
Or come up with the answers,
Those answers…

My Lord, if I’d only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought how much you meant to me
Til I spent a night all on my own
All of the time I was thinking about you
I knew my love for you had grown
& I’m thankin’ my lucky stars
That I’m not the girl I used to be
I’m gonna go burn my bras
& take a little trip to Sicily
But that won’t be the same
If you’re not there beside me
Tho’ I hardly know ya name
I know you are the one for me,
You are the one for me…

My Lord, if id only known
When my boy did call me
I would have picked up the phone
I would have answered the call
& if id only known
When my boy did call me…

& I never thought i could go changin’
Til I spent a night on my own
& when I woke up I was a stranger
Cos the bird I used to be had flown
Why, cos I’m so high
Now I’m coming up for sure
For as the love for you’s my disease
So my love for you’s the cure

I had a plan
Not to love any man
Cos I got my pride
But now I’ll do what I can
To make him understand
& keep him by my side
I’m so high…


ALWAYS & FOREVER

Nelson
I’m gonna build a chain gang
Gonna lay the tracks
Gonna lay a line to your heart
Til ya want me back
I’m not gonna build a station
It’s a one way train
When I get to my destination
Will ya want me back again
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos true love lasts forever
O yes it does
Baby gonna take me back
Guess I know you will
Cos you always do,
& remember my darlin I feel
Feel, the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

I’m gonna build a new line
On the old rail road
Windin’ thro the valleys
With an empty load
When I get to my destination
Your hearts my only stop
Gonna meet you at the station
At the back of the coffee shop
When I meet you at the coffee shop
I’ll ask you to be mine
Forever & for always
O yes I will

I’ll meet you at the coffee shop
& take your tender hand
& tell you I love you
& you’ll look in my eyes & you’ll feel
Feel the same way too
Well always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Lily
O how I cried, I cried so much
The way I cried for you
& I nearly died, when your loving touch
From my life withdrew
Well, always & forever honey
I’m gonna shine for you

Nelson
Well, always & forever sugar
I’m gonna be your boy

Enter Brenda full of mud with a spade being chased by police

Brenda
Yo, Nelson

Nelson
Yo, Brenda, when did you get out

Brenda
About two minutes ago – o shit!

Enter Coppers chasing Brenda – enter General covered in mud

Lily & Nelson
Hey General

General
Hi people, what’s happenin,

Lily
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

Enter Bouncer / Coppers catch Brenda but are filled with ‘the love’

All
Have you ever felt the love
Dont tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

All
Have you ever felt the love
Don’t tell me you aint never
Have you ever felt the love
Always & forever

Songs From TINKY DISCO


FOOL

DISCO GOLD

POPPADOM

PUSSY BUS

T.D.S.

GOOD TIME GIRL

TINKY DISCO SAVED A JUNKIE

FLIRTELITY

SOLARIZED

KATHMANDU

IN DA HOUSE


FOOL

Charlie’s House, Albert Street

TC
Well I went on down to my dealer’s house
To score a little exstasi, he said,

Charlie
I’m cuttin mi own throat,
They’re cheap at twice the price y’see

TC
I said, yer try all yer like
But yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

The Moustrap, Leith Walk

TC
Then I strutted into the Mousetrap
Met a Rasta dress’d like Bob Marley, he said

Rasta
Y’all want some skunk weed

TC
But it smelt like it were pot pouri
I said yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.
Wherever I am, wherever I go,
I’m always the one who sez I told yer so
& yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!

Salamander Street, Leith

So I met this chick & we hit the streets
Jumped in the cube of an uber taxi,
He drove us home where he tried ter treble up the fee,
I said, yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

Well we drank some wine, feelin fine, snortin lines,
She said,

Married Woman
Boy yer lookin fuckin sexy,
But hurry up sunshine
Mi husband’ll be home at three

TC
I said, yer try all yer like
but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.

Streets of Leith

TC
Wherever I am, wherever I go,
I’m always the one who sez I told yer so
& yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!

So I dab some coke roll a smoke put on mi coat
Hit the city streets whistlin’ tunes to the moon
Stroll down the hill comin’ down on mi pill til the next time


DISCO GOLD

TC
You’ve took the trouble
To cook up a plan
Lets dig for disco gold

I’ve got the shovel
So pick up the pan
Lets dig for disco gold

I’ve got the silver
You’ve got the glitter glory
But where’s the disco gold

Stay funky brother
& when we’re hunky dory
We’ll find that disco gold

Its been {years since 1977} years
Since ‘I Feel Love’
Or so I’m told
We’re gonna dig for disco gold

Brooklyn
Whether stranded in Warsaw
At ya Grandad’s in France
Lets dig for disco gold

TC
We can all hit the dance floor
& learn how to prance
Diggin that disco gold

Brooklyn
Come on & take out the silence
& break down those walls
to find the disco gold

TC
Come on & dig out the diamonds
That shine in your souls
Cos thats the disco gold

Its been {years since 1977} years
Since ‘I Feel Love’
Or so I’m told
We’re gonna dig for disco gold

Brooklyn
Its been {???} years
Since I was born
But I don’t feel old
Because I dig my disco gold


POPPADOM

Brenda
Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis
To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous

India
Whats this

Brenda
Says Tristan’s sister
Tristan says

Tristan
Its got a little twist

All
Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom

Palik
Dont forget the mango chutney
Its imported up from Putney
Makes the chicken balti taste supreme
Mountains of bombay tatties
Basmati rice chapattis
Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen

India
Your spice is pretty damn nice

Brenda
Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis
Then gets him in the kitchen
& asks him

India
Can I have a little kiss

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Palik
Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi
It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy
Then again its gets stuck in your teeth
Don’t forget the shami kebabs
They’re the one everyone has
But you gotta taste it to believe

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Tristan
What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this

Brenda
Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis

India
That chutney made me horny

Brenda
Abbadabadis got battered with a fist

All
Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom
Pom, pom…

Brenda
Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi
It’s the kind that sends you happy
Or is it that I got stuck in a dream
Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari
We got it from the argy-bargy
It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been
That I’ve ever seen…
That there’s ever been


PUSSY BUS

TC
I met a girl
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s gotta get on a bus
She’s going home to her boyfriend

& then she said

Stacey
I wanna come home with you
Because my boyfriend’s mad
Going thro a real bad time

TC
So I said
Lets get on a bus
Lets get on a bus
& get off at my bus stop
So she said

Stacey
I’m gonna come home with you
Yeah im coming with you
Cos I really really like you

Stacey & TC
Lets all ride the pussy bus
Lets all ride the pussy bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus

TC
So I’m sat
Yeah I’m sat on a bus
At the back of the bus
With another boy’s girlfriend

Then ouch
I get a smack in the puss
Cos a boy on the bus
He knows this hussy’s boyfriend

Fuck this
I’m gonna get off the bus
I’m gonna get off the bus
& catch the bus behind us

Then the mad bitch follows us off
She follows us off
Cos she wanted to find us

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

TC
So I’m back yeah, back in the street
& I look at my feet
& they’re covered in bloodspots
She says,

Stacey
Babe look at the moon
Its playing our tune
I love our new bus-stop

TC
I said mad bitch look at my shoes
Ya proper bad news
There’s blood on my trainers
She says

Stacey
Baby gimme ya shoes
I know what to do
We’ll try a dry cleaners

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus

Stacey
Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus

Stacey & TC
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus

TC
What about your boyfriend I said

Stacey
Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead

Stacey & TC
Lets take a ride on the pussy bus
Its peace on earth on the pussy bus
Lets take a ride on the pussy
Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus


T.D.S

TC
Check it, check it, check it

Phew, phew got nuffin to do
Just an egg macmuffin hat attitude
Gonna put on some random records
& get down to the groove

Friends, friends followin trends
I heard miss disco’s making amends
She gotta damn foxy symphony
She gonna sing that song for you

Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

You’ve got to find your vibe
You got to share your high

Stacey
Fucked up, big it up
Got the pills & the files & they’re backed up
I’m a pretty little buttercup
In my summer top all see thro’ sequinfied
Dont stop rev it up
Whatv ya got tip top on yer laptop
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide

Enter Hamish, Krissie & Kate

TC
Hi! Hi! Call from Mumbai
I’ve never heard nuttin like this guy’s
Gonna ring round the company
They gonna get down to the groove

Flow, flow, kinky Kyoto
She lettin’ it hang & lettin it grow
Gotta facebook her friends
& set their statuses to you

Enter Larry the Axe & City

Down at the T-I-N-K-Y D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

You’ve got to find your tribe
You got to share your style

Well I’m the real TC thats me
I aint your normal form of MC
I’m a true groove buster voodel chile
Ripping it max with lots of style

I’m Scotland’s top hip-hot outfit
Lyrical bandit doing my bit
Musical genius jammin guitar
Hear the new disco wherever you are, yeah

We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop

Enter Nelson & Lily

Nelson
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco
It’s the Tinky Disco

Lily
I put on my dancing shoes
My soul it glows like a glitterball
These neon lights they shine for me & you
Lets his the floor my friend
Gonna dip trip slide until the party ends
This Tinky Disco sets me free

Enter The General, Brenda & India

TC
Hands, hands, show me those hands
We’re dancing naked down on the sands
Gotta wee foxy flavour & a fist of fireflies
Crawl, crawl, walk or you’ll fall
The tides gone out the towers are tall
There’s a full moon approaching
& its time to phantasize

Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O
Freaky Superfly Disco Show
Down at the Tinky Disco
Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on

We’re never gonna let the weekend stop
We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop


GOOD TIME GIRL

Nelson
I’m a man you’re a woman
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
In the frying pan
I see you comin along
With yer legs so long
In a full ensemble

I’m a man you’re a woman &
& a woman & a man gotta make a plan
When the plan demands
I’m standin’ singing my song
Coming along
Cos I know that I want ya

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

Lily dances with Hamish who moves away from Katie & Krissie

Nelson

Im a friend & a lover & a lover is a friend
When ya sensing tension on the floor
I see you slippin the twirl & trippin the girl
They used to be after

When a man sees a vision & a vision sees a man
Its a mission if the competition grows
I see ya playin’ the star
Baby you are the belle of the baftas

You’re a good time, a good time girl
& thats the kind I like-a right now, now
Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl

I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on her mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good, good time
Because a good time is on my mind

Lily
I know I’ll get a good good time
Because a good time is on my mind x 2
Yeayyeye –

Nelson
She’s so good lookin, im lovin’ my good time girl (repeat)


TINKY DISCO SAVED THE JUNKIE

Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit is worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your arm
That shit is gonna do you harm
Don’t shoot that shit into your legs
You’ll end up hobbling round on pegs
With the gutter dregs

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky Disco saved the junkie
Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go

Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
You aint no joker in the pack
You’ll soon be choking on your back
The bullshit never ends yeah

Krissie
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes
That shit’s the devil in disguise
Don’t shoot that shit into your veins
You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains

Brenda
& your grandma hangs her head in shame

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda
Tinky Disco saved a junkie

Enter Lily

Lily
Chennai
Shanghai
Moscow
Rio de janero
Jo-berg
Saint Petersburg
Helsinki
Y’all keepin it tinky

Glasgow
Chicago
Tirana
Espanola
Bolton
Haddington
San Francisco
Lets all have a disco

Brenda
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
I see you headin down that track
That shit’s worse than a heart attack
It kills you & your friends yeah

Lily
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack
To get that monkey off your back
Just chuck that monkey in a sack
& let the fucker drown

Katie
Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky

Krissie
They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey

Brenda
Stand up girl fit & funky

Katie, Krissie, Brenda, Lily
Tinky Disco saved a junkie


FLIRTELITY

Nelson
Shes got no shoes on
I put my moves on
Its time to cruise on up
To the girl with the suncookin tan

City
I think hes clocked me
He’s proper cockey
Hope he’s no Cockney nob
Because hes a good lookin man

Nelson
She looks obscure
I’d like to do her
I’m lookin thro her top
& I stop cos I wanna cop some more

City
I’m up & struttin
Slip slide & slutty
Its time to cut inside
As I glide to his side cross the floor

Nelson
Ahh its kissin time
Gonna taste the tongue o’ this girl so fine

City
NO— you aint got there yet
I’m hangin on for my tete-a-tete

Nelson
I got my eye in
Cheatin & lyin
She is a lionesse
But I’m blest with a fast sharp fork tongue

City
He gives me twirl style
Twist like a turn style
Whippin the whirl while
I’m just happy ba-bobbin along

Nelson
I put my oar in
She’s all but snoring
She finks im borin’
But I’d test the best of Cairo

City
I like ya near
My hemisphere
I’d like to be ya
Date, or mate, or would you like to know

Nelson
I’m just killing time
Until the time your tongue is mine

City
Pure apocalypse when kissing slips
Between our lips

Nelson
You’ve got to keep on
Push down the pylons
Set off the fire alarms

City
Then keep the beat strong
Let your feet stomp
It wont be long before were one

Nelson & City
& when were both in harmony
That’s you & me in ecstasy
& when weve gone & harmonized
We’ll keep the feeling feelin’ really nice
You & me that’s harmony
Me & you, what shall we do

Nelson
I fink shes foxy
Without her socks yeah
Completely rocks the world
This girl with the sun cookin tan

City
He’s such a honey
So cute & funny
I’d like to run him home
Hmm-hmm he’s a good lookin man


SOLARIZED

TC
I cannot pretend
You don’t have a dart
It shot thro the smoke
& shatter’d my heart
Yes I know this is always
The way of the ravers
When you’re dancing for fun
Then some honey blows you away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
I’m making a bed in her eyes
I’m solarized
She might be the love of my life!

She is dancing

Stacey
We are dancing…

TC
Is this all a game
Some chemical ruse
My soul is aflame
It burns for my muse
She inspires me these fires
Are eternally blazing
When shes dancing for me
She can see that she blows me away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
She’s siftin’ the love from the lies
I’m solarized
She might be the light of my life

She is dancing

Stacey & TC
We are dancing…

Katie & Krissie start chatting up Brooklyn at the decks & distract him

TC
I’m open to something excepting evasive sensations
The twilight is over her solar eyes blow me away
In every way

I’m hypnotized
I think that I’ve just realized
I’m solarized
I’ve danced with the love of my life
O yes she is
There’s no doubt about it
O yes she is
I’m gonna scream & shout it
O yes she is
There’s no doubt it
No doubt about it


KATHMANDU

We’re setting the floor on fire
We’re setting the room on fire
We’re setting the roof on fire
We’re setting the house on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

We’re setting the land on fire
We’re setting the skies on fire
We’re setting the world on fire
We’re setting us all on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

I’m a disco lover & I’m breakin’ it down
Like a good time lover when the sun goes down
& all ya fun lovin’ people gonna hit the floor
Hit the floor hit the floor
When ya want some more
break it down

When the dealers fix us up
& the dj picks it up
all the minxes sex it up
It’s a disco mix it up

Shes foxy shake it down
Hes rockin all over town
One fun-funk family
kinky disco energy

When the bass lines burn it up
& the faces turn it up
Theres a heatwave on the floor
We’re the kids in a candy store

Hit the dance floor crank it up
Tinky disco crank it up
Hit the dance floor crank it up
Spin around & spank it up

We’re setting the spheres on fire
We’re setting the moon on fire
We’re setting the sun on fire
We’re setting us stars on fire

Summon us inside of you
Up in the hills of Kathmandu

Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah, Ah-ah-ah-ah


IN DA HOUSE

TC
All the girlies in the house go yo (yo)

Brooklyn
Hand by hand we threaten this land
Making excuses just to expand
Twisted earth twisted land
DJ Brooklyn wants demands

From Edinburgh streets our memories bleed
Our bodies share the same scars
Metal tubes that we call cars
Ruin the skies & natures past

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..

Brooklyn
Green grass throughout the land
New presidents elected ain’t so grand
Hold the world in warm hands
Iceberg cities melts into sand
Sewing the seeds for creative needs
Beneath dark streets the light is weak
DJ Brooklyn escapes with weed
Ignoring their fake news news news feeds

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..

Brooklyn
We go where the wildlife flows
Following it down low, low, low

TC
All the girlies in the house say yo (yo)

Brooklyn
This is the way it should be
Work together & we’ll be free

TC
What ya saying Brooklyn!

Brooklyn
This is the way it should be
Work together & we’ll be free
Split nations on their knees
Crumpl’d spirits we will not be

Crowd
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
Comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’
DJ Brooklyn, in Da House,
He’s the man…..


CRIMINAL INJUSTICE

Exit everybody / they enter the Cowgate / the police are watching on

Brooklyn
These are our streets
These are our Scottish streets
& we can dance here if we want to
Midst the boulevards & fountains
But if I’m in the mountains
Making music with my friends
They can brand us tinky criminals
I guess that just depends
Upon your laws
No we don’t need them anymore
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for
I said hello
Let’s dance like 1994
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for

The party reach the Scottish Parliament / Holyrood Palace area

Nelson
After the rave
There is a melody
Something has changed
singing for you and me
After the rave
I’ll find the better me
I know I’ll survive
Cos when I look to the skies
I feel I’m feeling alive
Because I’m back with my tribe

The party moves into Holyrood Park

TC
These are our beats
These are our precious beats
& we can dance here if we want to
Midst the fauna & the heather
But when comes the paranoia
Of the government alarms
we can stick it to the lawyers
From our eco-friendly farms
I said hello, lets dance like 1994
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for
& all your laws
No we don’t need them anymore
Cos its the rave
We’ve been waiting for

The party reach the top of Arthur’s Seat

Lily
After the rains
Then comes the rainbow
Something has changed
There is a new hope
After the rave
We’ll shoot a telescope
Up, up to the skies
Where I’m back with my tribe

Everybody
After the dark
There is a synergy
Up with the lark
Singing for you and me
After the rave
We’ll share a memory
I open my eyes
& as I look to the skies
I see I’m feelin alive

After the rains
Then comes the sun again
We can obtain
Light in the world of men
Into my veins just like a medicine
I’m feelin alive because I’ve opened my eyes

Songs From GANGSTALAND


DIAMOND GEEZERS

FUNKABILITY

GANGSTALAND

LETS GET IT ON

REAL DEAL

TROUBLE

FAFFAN CULO

FUNKABILITY (reprise)


DIAMOND GEEZERS

Don
I’m one of the Diamond boys, I’m one of the diamond geezers
I had a transit full of toys & a bedsit full of freezers
But that was when I was starting out now my disco’s gone upmarket
I’ve got me an Austin Martin & a Kosovan to park it

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City & Lily
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Charlie
What’s that, you can’t pay up
You’re having a laugh, aintcha
The Don will not be happy
Well, Concrete Feet Petes in on Tuesday
If you haven’t clear the debt by then,
Let’s say you want be needing yer speedos

Don
So I turned my toys into drugs & I filled my outhouse with fridges
Then I opened a couple of clubs & I filled my warehouse with ravers
Cos clubs means money & money means power & that’s the power of prayer
I got a condo in the country & a villa in Marbella

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
They’re a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

Archie
Three pills for a tenner
You’re having a life, aintcha
I’ve got a wife & three kids to support
Awight, awight, awight
But I’m cutting my own throat here
Here’s my number

Don
Well I’m one one of the diamond boys, men call me a diamond geezer
I might act tough but Im soft in the middle & I melt like a big malteser

All
He might act tough but he’s soft in the middle & he melts like a big malteser

Archie
So whats the meaning of life

Lily
Whats the key to your story

Don
Don’t marry a mental wife, smoke heroin or vote tory
& don’t end up like the Krays, killing guys in a public bar
& every couple of days send some jellied eels to your grandpa

Archie, Charlie, Bulldog, City, Lily & Nelson
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They act real flash & they splash the cash
Like a bunch of Julius Caesars
Oh! Diamond boys, diamond boys,
Don’t you love those diamond geezers
They’re in your face like they own they place
What a bunch of Julius Caesars (oi!)

———-

FUNKABILITY

Don Vito
Have you seen Don Vito
Slick as Liberace
I always wear the coolest clothes
Armani, Versace

Maria & Laura
They call him Mr Dandy
He’s the coolest cat in town

Don Vito
& when I’m feeling randy
I get all those girls around
Who say

Maria & Laura
Hey, Don Vito, where did you get those trousers from?
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me

Don
I wanna show you some of my boogie therapy

Dance routine – Enter Nelson with Allessandro & Luigi

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you dance with me
Why don’t you show us some of your funkability

Maria & Laura
Hey Don Vito, why don’t you ravish with me
Why don’t you show me some of your sexuality

Don
Yeah, yeah, my boogie therapy


GANGSTALAND

Archie
Vibe, vibe, I got my tribe
Took a little drive to the harbourside
Gon’ meet me a mobster man

Archie & Charlie
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Enter Allessandro & Luigi

Charlie
Roll, roll, I got my dough
Give it all away for a bag of blow
But when that mobster turns around
There’s a gun to my head for the hole in the ground

Allessandro & Luigi draw guns on Archie & Charlie

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Allessandro & Luigi
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war

All
From Paris, France, ter
The sunny Cotes d’Azor
Who’d wanna be a gangster
When they go to war

Archie
What the fuck are ya doin

Allessandro
Your time has come Inglesi peeg!

Allessandro & Luigi shoot up Charlie & Archie / Mafia Boys exit with cash

Charlie
<crawling across floor to Archie>
Frown, frown, my captain’s down
Gotta get him back on my back to town
I’ll lead my captain by the hand
This is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
Blood, blood I’m soaked in blood
We might fade away that’s understood
But not if one of us can stand
Cos this is the way of the Gangstaland

Archie
What are we brethren fighting for?

Charlie
It’s just the way when gangsters go to war


LETS GET IT ON

Nelson
Ya betta know ya business
Ya gotta twirl those girls around
Then you can swap yer missus
for the cutest girl in town
You gotta act all surreptitious
Gotta sneak in right behind
Lace her neck with kisses
That stuffs sure to blow her mind

City
I say get down eezy geezer
God I’d love to dance with you
You got the grooves & I got the moves
& one & one makes two
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

They dance

Nelson
I love the way ya waltzing
Thro’ the funkstyle on the floor
Like a starving solzenhitsen
Waving scarves of semaphore
& I love the way yer hanging
Like a bird upon the air
I love yer smile, & I love yer style
& I’d love to smell your hair

City
So how about it baby
The call is up to you
I can make you feel your body’s real
Just how you’d like me to

Yes, two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!

Nelson
Well you are so fucking tidy
& I know you know you are
Like a pornographic Heidi
In a silver jaguar
On a drive beside the ocean
On a balmy night in June
When the stars dance in devotion
To the music of the moon
Lets get it on
Lets get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Because two’s a lovely number
Cos it kicks the ass off one
Before the morning slumbers
Us two kids can get it on

Nelson
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my girl
You are the one for me
Tonight

City
Let’s get it on
Let’s get in on my boy
I am the one for you,

Nelson
Damn right

City
Damn right

Both
Hey!


REAL DEAL

MC
Monkey to the West, monkey to the East
Something going on in the call of yer mind
Cos theres a whistle posse cryin for peace
Everybodys grooving to the thrill in your mind

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

MC
It’s so hot, burnin’ like a sauna
If ya call yer mother y’know she’ll disown yer
Everybody’s happy, the club’s like a beach
There’s a simple presence that we’re tryin to preach

All
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Enter Nelson & TC

TC
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body x2

Nelson
It’s so sharp, sharper than a razor
It gives a little sizzle when ya dip in the sea
& it cut some ice, cut it like a lazer,
Everybodys digging who ya tryin to be

MC
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal
So tell me how does it feel

Ravers
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

Nelson
Deep & fat, dirty & funky
Sing it like a cat or swing it like a monkey
What ya do with yer time is yer own design
Everybodys groovin to the thrill in yer mind

Harmony 1
So come on, come on now, come on
Cos this is the real deal people
Come on, come on now, so come on
Cos this is the real deal

Harmony 2
My body is a beach
The waves they keep on comin
& theyre comin on in waves
These rushes up my body

Harmony 3
Movin & a grooving & a moving & a grooving
& a moving & a grooving all over the place

***


TROUBLE

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but I’ve got to find a way
So I can say when all those chips were down I pushed em all all in
I might seem unruffled with a heart that’s turned to stone
But I swear I don’t wanna bear my problems all alone

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Oh, my days, I spend them waiting, hesitating
O my days

Nelson
When you feel down
You gotta lift up your soul
Find peace with what ya doing
See the wonder of it all
You gotta hear the sound
The sound of your true call
There’s a new dawn every morning
& the future starts right now
Your destiny is forming
& your dreams will show you how

Lily
Yes I know I’m in trouble but theres got to be a day
When we can say all our troubles have been buried in the sea
If we help one another thro this crisis of our lives
We can save one another while this love of ours survives

This is all I’ve got my dear
Look inside my soul its clear
I can’t keep nothing from you
Standing here with open arms,
Stripping naked of my charms
Whispering that I love you

Lily & Nelson
Oh, my days, I spend them waiting hesitating
O my days


FAFFAN CULO

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
Pick up yer tool, Ya’ll
Goin’ ter meet my friends
We’re comin to make amends
& when we get back to Rome
We’ll tell the family
The problem is history
Hey-Hey-Hey

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
The Don is a goner
Perche
Fratello a fratello
Abitiamo per siempre

All
Fa-fa-fa-fafanculo
We’ll take yer to school y’all
Learn our philosophy
No one is the boss o me
& keeping corragio
Cos we are the mafia
We’ve come to look after ya
You won’t be needin a gun
We’ve already got you one
Hey-Hey-Hey

Antonio & Lucas
What means more than King & Country
Going to war, fighting for your family
There might be mud, there might be slaughter
But then your blood is thicker than water

Don Vito
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-madonna
It’s a matter of honour
The Don is a goner
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay
We gonna make him pay


 

 

Songs From TIMEWARPIN’


INTRO

BIG FAT DREAMER

MODERN MAN

TIMEWARPIN’

BURN THE WITCHES

DOWN ON THE BEACH

THE ALAMO

LOVE THE PLANET

SHANGRI-LA

TSU-NA-MI

WESTERN SUICIDE

SEMINAL LIVES

NAVIGATOR

OUTRO


INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round, into the sound
But not if you’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin’ straight from the hip
So come on (get a grip)
Of the song (as it slips) from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our, laud us at our play


BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….


MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve been wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin’ man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in our flat doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin’ seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off goin’ back on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4


TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


BURN THE WITCHES

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
Were draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making bad potions
& sellin’ em all around town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why give me the tag of a satanic hag
I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one
You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame
But I know im a holy woman

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& spendin it all round the town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile
All I’ve been is something different
I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds
What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent

Peasants
Drown
We’re lettin’ the hagwoman drown
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin’ it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
What we gonna do with her people

Peasants
BURN HER!!!!

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
They are just a bunch of bitches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches


DOWN ON THE BEACH

As the drums are speeding
Johnny bums the weed in
& a mums breast feedin’
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the vibes enhancing
Dave the Rave’s gone trancin
Sally belly dancing
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress

As the seagulls swoopin
Larry loop the loopin
Uma hula hoopin
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Brotherman’s gone mental
Davey transcendental
It’s a party central
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

Jenny’s gone all jiggy
Johnnys such a hippy
Touch ya soul & dig it
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the sunlights creepin
All the birds are leapin
John the bongs gone sleepy
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

The summer of love is coming
I can hear the tribal drumming
I can see the rainbow changin
All the colours are rearranging
Love is the answer

Tho’ Jonny looks like he’s nappin
His foot start tappin
It feels like he’s still a dreaming
To this song
& when he stands up clappin
It makes us happy
It feels like we were the dreamers all along

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the sun risin’
Over the summer sea
& when the suns comin
Up to the fun drummin
This timeless fantasy
Has never felt so free

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the ships roll in
Across the summer sea
& when the boats come in
Up to the fun drummin
All of our friends can be
Part of the family

***

Dante
Now we’ve been Timewarpin’
Thro’ all the tides of time
I hope some sense sinks in
Enough to guide your mind

Present Past & future
Will forever keep alive
Til we find the answers, do ya
Sense them,

General
O yes I can

Dante
Give me your hand my man

General
Dante I plan to survive


THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett
Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai
This is mine, this aint yours,
Theres one thing u should know
I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican
Ya gonna die in the Alamo

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a bowie knife
I’d lay down my life
For the holy rodeo

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me
Cos im getting off on the odds
I got a gun for you I got a gun for two
I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the hounds & dogs

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

Well I’m fighting for the Alamo
Maybe its my time to go
The bloodlust fills my appetite
& fortifies my will to fight

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the wild frontier

Im gonna try in the Alamo
Im gonna try for the Alamo
Im gonna die in the Alamo
Im gonna die for the Alamo

Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans

Lying down in my gory guts
I’m gonna die here on my bed
But all around my last battleground
the enemys blood was shed

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
remember me when I’m dead


LOVE THE PLANET

Drowning islands, blood red diamonds
Assassin silence, it’s all the same
Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon
Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Many people fear we must dissapear
(Melt away) Like a candle
Look inside your soul, we could lose it all
(People say) it’s a scandal

Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang
We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth
God got no halo, she lyin’ down below
Mother Gaia know the simple truth

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

When you look at me tell me what you see
(Am I real) am I worthless
Look upon the earth calculate its worth
(Can you feel) it is priceless
To ye high & almighty masters of economy
Thinking that ecology could never pay
Your grotesque cabal of kings
Got so many diamond rings

I’m talking world implosion
I’m talking bout soil erosion
I’m talk bout dirty oceans too

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Love the planet – don’t be a stranger
Love the planet – cos she’s in danger
Love the planet – no need to change her ways
Cos she’s the only one we got


SHANGRI-LA

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna plant me my standard there
I’m gonna claim it for my country
As I build my country there

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a palace there
I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds
Fountain rose milk everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me my prison there
I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up
In mucky dungeon’s air

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harem there
I’m gonna bed the local beauties
Scatter rubies everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 1
Oh, Islandwhana
Boer Country Farmer
We’ve got to count the spears
& bake the tears in ancient customs

World Leader 2
Oh, Las Malvinas
What comes between us,
Lets go to Amritsar & masticate
The old dominions

World Leader 3
Oh, Teotihuaucan
On the way to Japan
Conquistadors broke down the temple doors
& call’d priests Indians

Unlucky Lucknow
On the field of plassey
We’ll slaughter fine young braves
To save their souls from dark idolatry

World Leaders 1 & 2
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harbour there
I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends
This paradise to share


TSU-NA-MI

Dante
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water
That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles
She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota
A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles

Remember the host of the ghostly battalion
Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea
Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka
The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams
As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor
& pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams

Remember the trail of those waves of destruction
From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea
Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!


WESTERN SUICIDE

Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today

General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black

Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!


SEMINAL LIVES

General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow

We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow


NAVIGATOR

General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love

Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had

General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song

General
Cos when we come together

Brenda
Yes when we come together

General
We gonna come together

Brenda
Go strolling in the heather

General
Go floating like a feather

Brenda
Over that stormy weather

General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you

Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new

General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead

Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine

General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine

General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatter’d into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin


OUTRO

And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if they’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play

Songs From NO NAY NEVER

SEVEN FIFTY

LOSE MY VIRGINITY

TRUE LEGENDS

WHEN THE HIBS GO MARCHING IN

HIGHER LICENSE

ALL SWAP PLACES

STARSIGNS

GRANDAD

TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY

VOWS

MIX IT UP

BROGDEN’S CHRISTMAS


SEVEN FIFTY

Barry
Catch the seven-fifty in the morning for my shift,
Don’t wanna be late
Its fucking Monday morning & this is the day
That I just hate

Pack’d to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…

Subscene: Barry working in a factory

Time is seven-fifty near the end of my shift
Need a spliff mate
I’ve roll’d up a reefer, I’m coming to see ya
It’ll be great

Packed to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Subscene: Peanut’s house – Peanut & Mojo come in from work & start rolling a joint

Peanut
I’m a work all week so patient
Lookin out for my main man
Try to get out straighten’d
Cocktail combinations
Recall the sensation
Every situation
Buzzin the vibration
Downtime
Seven-Fifty…..

{Enter Barry}

Mojo
Give me seven-fifty & I’ll sell you a share
You’re my shipmate
I’ve skinn’d up a reefer
I’ve something to teach ya
It’ll be great

Mojo, Peanut, Barry
Packed to the hilt, break down, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..

Peanut
Grind it, refine it
Gonna lick them skins & light it
Roll it & mould it
Light it up, control it
Inhale it & hold it
Indica unfolding
& reach up,
I’m floating, I’m floating

Seven-Fifty… I’m floating, I’m floating, I’m…


LOSING MY VIRGINTY

Lily
Mi mum went to bingo, I do recall
I called my first ever boyfriend up on the phone
Said, why don’t you come over
Mi mum wont be back til ten
He said I’d love to & can I bring a friend
I said no problem, mi mam’s filled the fridge with grub
I bought some condoms from the machine down at the pub
I met them at the bus stop they were looking so fine
I thought ooo! proper fit,
& I hoped they would both be mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh

Lily
So we went to my bedroom & put on MTV
Had fags & cider that we blagged on a fake ID
All of a sudden they were rolling over me
Why do it with two when you can try it with three
We soon got naked, having it off on the floor
Said please be gentle cos ive never done this before
They say its never very good for your first time
But I’m glad that those bad little lads were mine

All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh


TRUE LEGENDS

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(We’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask no questions, tell no lies
We are the best ones to energize… your lives
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the morning lights

Peanut
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are

Mojo
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)

Barry
Ask your consience if its OK
To let your Mojo come out & play
Stand up for your rights
Before the politic bites
Stand up for your rights
Until the day delights

Peanut, Mojo, Barry
Put your hands up, put your hands up high
Shimmering down like a dragonfly
Shining bright like a superstar
Cos you’re the true legend, yes you are
(we’re the true legends, true, true, legends)


I love you Hibernian cos you are my team
& I’ll follow you always oer mountain & scream
yes I’m one with the Hibees, with them I belong
This team is my reason I’m singing this song
Every season I shall hope for the best
With the badge worn so proudly
In the heart of my chest

You got booked for being ugly (Rock on)
Get fuckin up, its a man’s game (Rock on)
Turnbull’s Tornadoes, Hibernians the name

When I drink in the Albion on a wet night in March
When we play Calley Thistle I’m up with the larch
Cos I love my ain Hibees, with them I feel strong
This team is my reason I’m singing my song
Every season in sunshine & snow
Thro the turnstiles on Hawkhill
With the lads I go

You got booked for being ugly (Rock on)
Rudi Skatchell’s got a lovely, peachy bum (Rock on)
Turnbull’s Tornadoes, Hibernians the name


HIGHER LICENSE

Lily
She’s been to Edinburgh
She’s got her sisters with her
They’re coming back from town
Making mens’ eyes move around

Brenda
She’s got no cross to bear
She’s gorgeous as her hair
Shines like a neon light
Glittering from a satellite

India
She’s mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Brenda, India & Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill

City
We’ve come up from the Shore
Where men say more & more
I’ve got the whitest teeth
They’ve ever seen in Leith

Mojo, Billy & Peanut
& as the girls swept past
We stood their flabberghasted
Each was a star to me
Emitting that cosmic energy

City
We’re mucking up boys and taking their hearts yeah
Fuckin up toys and breaking apart their
Good time armour forged in the summer

Mojo, Billy, Peanut, Brenda, India, Lily
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill
She’s got the higher license to kill


ALL SWAP PLACES

Bom bom, jiggy bom bom
Bom jiggy bom,
Jiggy jiggy gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s jiggy with a farmer
& we all swap places…..

{Peanut returns from the toilet sniffing}

There’s a pussy playin’ fiddle
& the piggy in the middle’s getting
Jiggy with the gang bang
There’s a hooker on a cooker
She’s the hottest mother fucka
That I’ve seen in any gang bang
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with the Dalai Lama
& we all swap places

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Time to level up a partner
Menage a trois
The karma sutra
King bamboo

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Pick & mix it
Mister mistress
Bend the gender
Warp & skew

Bom bom
Theres a madame in the saddle
& she’s friggin in the riggin
As the balls are playin ping pong
& he’s no King Kong (small dong)
Still the Fonz singsalong to the sing song
Hari Krishna Krishna
Hari Rama

Hari Rama
Hari Krishna’s busy with Bananarama
& we all swap places…..

& we all swap places
& we all swap places
& we all swap places

Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Aahh, & we all swap places
Ah-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-ya

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Convalute me
Contravention
I’m at attention
Stand to

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

Light up the lava
Ask your partners
Dip in the darkness
French fondeau?

Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
Jiggy-jiggy gang bang
We love you

I never had a mango
Never had a mango?
Never had a man go down on me


STARSIGNS

Barry
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Are you Aries, summer fairies
Til the head-butt necessaries
Maybe Leo, they’re the Cleopatras
Gettin jiggy on a beach in rio
Are ya Gemini, overqualified
Struttin round like a homeless butterfly
Ya eyes are like diamonds baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine

Are you Aquarius ever varius
Or a sexy Sagittarius
Maybe Virgo, a semi-circle
Never mess with a girl in a fur coat
Are ya Libra, like Alan Shearer
Ya black & white like the stripes on a zebra
Ya smile is like sunshine baby
Are ya Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
& guess your sign & after the mantra
I’m gonna take my time & darlin’ tie ya down to the tantra
I’m an empath like my mother
I’m an astrological lover
Your vibe is like Tinsel Town
Get on down to the sound of the breakdown
Acapella pick a colour
When I guess it & I’m destined to pull her
Better mystic meg assisted
Proper bullshit but birds cant resist it
If she roots ya & she suits ya
You can cruise thro’ the views of the future
Then when the starshine glows
Get on down its time for the solos

Are ya cancer, what a chancer
Breakin’ legs like a pimp-ass dancer
Maybe Pisces, a dionysis
Living lives of crazy crises
Or maybe you’re a Capricorn
Like a slinky ninja on the microphone
Your voice is like Venus baby
Are you Taurus straight to the chorus

Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make you mine
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna guess your
Mmm, mmm I’m gonna make a make a make ya mine


GRANDAD

Barry
At nine o clock in the morning
I heard grandad bashing the door in
Now he’s crashin’ on the kitchen flooring
Cos he never made it to his bed

I knew something was wrong with mi grandad
Cos he’s pukin’ up in Granny’s handbags
& starts stacking em up like sandbags
& then ranting ’bout the bloody war

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandads having a come down
He’s even bringing mi mum down
He’s been staying up well past sundown
& Grannies climbin’ up the wall!

Now Grandad acts like a tinker
Cos he’s always been a heavy drinker
& Gran says get off ya stinker
When he tries to get her into bed

Grandad’s been on the sauce again
He’s just drunk he aint insane
Grandad we love you
Even tho’ you smell like a brewery
Grandad we love you
Even when ya stink of wee

Grandad
I’m the paralytic diuretic man
I’ll never make it to the old bed pan
Better put those rubber sheets down gran
Cos I’m gonna wet the bed again

Barry
Now Grandad’s after a nightcap
Cos Grandma gave him a right slap
So he’s sneaking out thro the cat flap
& he’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub
He’s going to the pub again


TESTOSTERONE PATRIARCHY

I am a hot thing
But I have to disguise
All the ways that the razors
Cut deep in my veins
& I wipe lipstick
With a tissue of lies
‘Cos I’m hook’d on destructions
That sicken & stain

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I am not fine

I’ve never felt love
For the shine of the skies
Cos I’m parked in the darkness
By the full beam of fame
& I’ve lost control
Of the look in my eyes
As I gaze on the razors
That beckon my name

It’s the way of the West
When you’re making the best
Of this Testosterone Patriarchy

I’m a good girl, look at me twirl,
This is my world, I am divine
But if you’ll see, deep inside me
Then’ you’ll agree I’m not doing fine


VOWS

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in miracles
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a fairy tale

I believe in love,
God help us,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love believes in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
Come to me my love
Come this mellow morning
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break into the Garden of Eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls

I believe in love
But I don’t believe in fairytales
Show me that you care
& I’ll sing you a miracle

I believe in love,
God help them,
Cos love is gonna see us thro
I believe in love cos love belives in you
I believe in you

Come to me my darling
& Eos be my love
Cupid’s coming calling
When a lover’s sun is gonna make us all
Jump over the wall
Gotta break into the garden of eden
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down the walls
& then we can open
Open, open the door
Be Clyde & Bonnie with a magnum forty-four
Love love is the law here,
Gotta break down the walls
Jump up over the wall
Gotta break down the towers of Babylon
Hope, hope springs eternal
Gotta break down those walls
I gotta break thro those walls


MIX IT UP

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

City
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up

Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up yeah
We’re gonna mix it up
Mix it up, mix it up,
We’re gonna mix it up sweet baby

City
We’re gonna mix it up like crazy

We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together

Baz
I know that I’ve kinda fallen for you
Don’t wanna waste it, I just gotta taste it

City
I love the way you’ve got nuffin to prove
You’re kinda tasty, your mind amazes me

Barry
I’ve gobbled up my pride
I’m feelin it inside
You are the one to break my habits

City
I cant believe its true
I cant believe its you
You are the one to make me happy

City & Barry
We’re gonna mix it up
Mixin’ like we love each other
We’re gonna mix it up
When we gonna get together


BROGDEN’S CHRISTMAS

Barry
Grandad’s pinched a turkey
Half-inched it for the family
Lets hope he doesn’t roast it
At 200 degrees

Jackie
Last year yer Granny burnt it
Lets hope this time she’s learnt from it
Dont touch those bloody marys Mam
We’re begging you please

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

The Don
Hang the calendars on the wall

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to one & all

City
Baz nips out fer reefer
My Daddy’s playing Fifa
& Grandad says

Grandad
The queen is look perky this year

Grandad
As Jackie checks on turkey
Gran gets out karaokoe
She’s singing Tina Turner
As we block up each ear

Gran
You’re simply the best!
Better than all the rest,

Grandad
Turn that bloody machine off

Jackie unplugs the karaoke machine

Grandad
Thank god fer that

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Barry
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
You’re looking so delicious
I want to give you kisses
As you give your love to me

Grandad
Merry, merry, merry Christmas
I’m gonna do all the dishes
There’s a honeymoon to Mauritius
Underneath the tinsel tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

City
Blink, ya miss it

Don
& then its gone

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to everyone

key change

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Gran
Tinsels glistening

Jackie
On the tree

All
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
A Merry Christmas to the Family

Grandad
Merry Christmas everybody

City, Granny, Jackie, Barry
Merry Christmas Grandad

LEITHOLOGY

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Nelson
One of Peebles’ top karaoke singers.

Lily
Sassy lass from Leith. Voice of an angel, mouth of a sailor

TC
Tinky DJ-type who loves a good rave

Brenda
One of the best beggar-buskers you’ll ever meet

Cool Pool General
Waster by day, hustler by night

City
Maneating, marriage-dreamin’ daughter of The Do

The Don
East-End gangter decamped in Scotland for safety reasons

Charlie
One hell of a mean Weegie

Bulldog
The Don’s muscle since the sand-pit

Larry the Axe
One of The Don’s associates & the fiance of City.

Dante Alighieri
A time-travelling Italian poet

Don Vito
Disco-dancing mobster from Italy

Laura & Maria
Don Vito’s top henchwomen

Barry
Loves his gran, Burnley FC & weed– in that order

Jackie, Grandad, Gran
Barry’s family

Mojo & Peanut
Barry’s mates

Sharon
Barry’s fiance

India
The General’s much cooler sister – apart from the smack

The Silver Strobes
A Disco Band from Bristol

Shannon
The General’s booty call

Coppers 1 & 2
Leith’s not-so-finest constabulary

Billy
A cheekey eegit from Blackburn

Bouncer
Keeps the Bongo Club all ship-shape & proper

Gadgies
Do what it says on the tine

Erb & Ting
Edinburgh’s top hip-hop outfit

Shannon
Barry’s fiance

ALIBI: Scenes 1-3

SCENE 1 – Peebles Town Centre

 Brenda the Busker is sat underneath a cash machine with a guitar & a fake comedy dog / she is singing a song / enter a Wee Gadgie

Brenda
Alright big man, help the homeless

Gadgie I
I’m skint mate

Brenda
No worries, have a good night

Gadgie I
How am I gonna have a good night with no money, get a job yer fuckin’ hobo

Exit Gadgie I, enter Nelson

Brenda
Nelson!!

Nelson
Alright Brenda, how’s tricks?

Brenda
Y’know, surviving… but wots up wi’ you Nelson, your face is trippin’ ya

Nelson
Bad day at work, y’know, my boss is a proper pain-in-the ass

Brenda
I’ve never had a boss, me… I’m me own boss

Nelson
Lucky you

Brenda
Spare any change?

Nelson
What, I earn it so you can spend it on smack

Brenda
Nah, mate, gone clean, sorted mi ‘ed out – this is just for the hostel tonight

Nelson
{giving change}
Why not, I’ve put in a bit of overtime this week

Brenda
You’re a star pal
{Nelson starts drawing out his money}
Yo Nelson – you’ve been comin’ to this cash point every Friday now for as long as I can remember – wearing the same old chinos & the same pair of shoes

Nelson
Yeah, & you’ve been here every fuckin time

Brenda
I know that, its mi job innit, but what do you do every Friday night?

Nelson
You know, the usual, I go down the pub with me mates – that’s where I’m off to now, for a night on the tiles

Brenda
{standing up}
Look, mate, since I got mi head together I’ve been thinking a lot about life & I’ve got a wee bit of advice for ya

***

TURNAROUND

Brenda
Kid make a fresh start
Let’s take the new road to walk down
Cos you know in your heart
That it’s time to leave your hometown
It’s a big world out there
Millions of girls your own age, horny,
Let me tell you man I swear
If I had the chance I would always keep on moving

Nelson
I’ve bin grindin’ my bones for all these years
For a sack full of stones & a sink full of tears
First they fill you with loans
& then they kill your ideas
Our planet – is waiting for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround (x 3)
& head on down the loose track baby
& never turnaround & think of home
& then oh maybe
You will find a finer place of liberty & life
The tales you’ll tell beside the fireplace
To all your children & their children

Nelson
I’ve bin stuck in a rut & I can’t break free
Bin bustin’ mi gut in a factory
Industrial slut & I’ve lost my dreams
But our planet – is waitin’ for us all

Brenda
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
It’s time to turnaround
& hear the sound of your heart singin’
Come on boy leave ya friends
& family & all the things you know
It’s time to go, cos there’s
A better life if you can find it
& tho’ the road is lined with trials
There’s mystery if you don’t mind it

Brenda & Nelson
It’s time to (time to) turnaround
It’s time to (time to) turnaround

***

Nelson
Cheers mate, ya right, this towns shit, I might as well split, the worlds my oyster innit, but where should I go first?

Brenda
The Big City kid, it’ll make a man o’ yer

Nelson
The Big City – what, Glasgow?

Brenda
Fuckoff – not Weegieland, that dump’s full of numpties, I meant the capital, the capital of Scotland – the Athens of the North, the Dingwall of the South – Edinburgh

Nelson
Edinburgh! Well, I’ve always thought I’d check it one day

Brenda
Of course you should laddie – I mean look at this place – it’s more like a retirement village – you should be thinkin’ about visitin’ the continent – not the incontinent – This place is just a graveyard with a TK Max

Nelson
You know, you’re right, I think I’m gonna do it

Brenda
Of course I’m right, the streets are in my blood, brother – I see everything me – anyway, there’s a bus leaving this evening, why don’t you jump on it

Nelson
Tonight…. that’s a bit soon, innit

Brenda
Time & red hot, horny ladies shaking their asses on a Friday night wait for no man

Nelson
Y’know, I’m gonna do it – yeah, fuck it, I’m doing it – I’ll send you a postcard, yeah

Brenda
Not to this bank though, I get all mi mail sent to the Barclays up the road

Nelson
Right O, catch yer on the flipside sister

Exit Nelson / Brenda carries on busking



SCENE 2 – Edinburgh

A busy Princes Street – TC is hanging out – Nelson gets off the bus

Nelson
Wow this is mental – look at the buildings – the hi-tech trams – the castle – the women!

TC
Welcome to the capital kid, you sound like you’re from outta town, where ya from?

Nelson
Some place ya never heard of

TC
Just arrived have ya

Nelson
Yeah, I’m fresh off the bus

TC
Cool, they call me TC

Nelson
Nelson

TC
Say, kid, its Friday night, I’m goin’ ravin, you like to party

Nelson
Sometimes

TC
Well my mate’s just given me a few cheeky pills – the very the latest out of Amsterdam

Nelson
What, ecstasy

TC
Yeah… he flew in this morning with a few hundred stuck up his ass

Nelson
Uuuugh

TC
Dont worry, he used protection – now then, dya wanna try one or not

Nelson
Go on then

TC
Here you go pal – tell me what ya think

TC passes Nelson a pill

Nelson
Uuugh – that tastes rank

TC
That’s the MDMA that is, the bitter it tastes, the better the mash-up, right

Nelson
I guess so – wait a minute – fuckin’ hell

TC
Are you alright kid

Nelson
I think so… I come up on my drugs straight away me – mi doctor says its my hyperactive metabolisms or something

***

ULTRA-GROOVY HIGH

Nelson
There’s nothing of this world
Like a free & easy man
He can do whatever he wants to
& what he likes he’ll do
Whatever, whenever he can
I’m a-rollin’, easy strollin’
Down the road, I hear my callin’
In the music that I’m singin’ man
Its the only way to make the streets
Your own

Because the way I’m feelin’ now
I didn’t even know that it existed,
The way I’m feelin’ ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

TC
Wooah kid… are you alright

Nelson
No, mate, I’m really suffering

TC
Shit, sorry

Nelson
Yeah I’m suffering… from a case of top quality banter

TC
Ha-ha – its them pills mate, so they’re proper decent, yeah?

Nelson
Fuckin magic mate, I’m flyin here

TC
Wicked, I might try one myself

Nelson
What, have you never tried these before

TC
Course not, I always get a muppet to neck one first… lookin at the nick of you I might just have an half

Nelson
Ya cheeky bastard

TC
Cheeky’s my middle name kid

Nelson
I’m a-skippin thro’ the subways
In my bliss’d-out sister love haze
& I’m a-driftin thro my drug days
& the super-shlinky soul light’s
Shinin’ thro’…

Nelson & TC
Because the way I’m feelin now
I didn’t even know that it existed
The way Im feelin ultra-groovy
Brothers & my sisters
& I might be a nobody
But I’m the star o’ my own movie
Up, down, turnaround
I’m ultra-groovy high

Nelson
& it’s true what the say about livin
I guess yer live until yer die
Cos the time we spend must fly
I’m livin’ on an ultra groovy high

TC
& now I’m ultra groovy high,
Ive found an oasis
I’m gonna see places I’ve never seen before
Opening doors, breaking yer laws
I’m feelin like a force of nature hollerin
The valley of Kings now I’ve spread my wings
& I can fly

***

TC
You’re right, these pills are hard core, bruv – I’m fuckin’ flyin here

Nelson
Told ya

TC
You’ll diddly do for me brother – gizza cuddle
{they cuddle}
Like I said, there’s a wicked rave on down the Bongo Club tonight – its call’d Mumbo Jumbo – fancy a boogie

Nelson
Do bears shit in the woods

TC
Dunno, don’t get bears in the big city, but what we do get is proper phat phumpin beats – lets go – word to the wise tho, don’t try any of that ‘up, down turnaround’ shit, you’ll get slapp’d for being a nobhead – but before we kick off the good times we’re going shopping for sure – there’s a nice little retro shop down the Grassmarket – get you out of those townie threads – you look like my granddad

Nelson
What yer talking about, this lot cost me a fortune

TC
Well they saw you comin’… Trust me, you look like a dick, now come on before the shops shut

Exit TC & Nelson



SCENE 3 – The New Bongo Club

 

Nightclub – there is a bar, a bouncer & a dance floor / Lily, Sally & Ally sharing a tequila with General

***

MUMBO JUMBO

All
Stevie Austin, we thought we’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston x 3

Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter The Cool Pool General carrying a tray of tequilas

General
Down on the dance floor, I couldn’t find mi dealer
Want to entrance more, so I bought some tequila
When you feel flakey, honey,
Shakey, shakey, shake yer money
There’s one thing’ll heal ya – that’s a shot of tequila!

Raver
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TEQUILA!

All
Mumbo Jumbo (take me higher) x 4

And when the kids are coming up
& as the bouncers getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

Enter TC & Nelson

TC
Well mi name is TC, I’m on a smart E
Lookin’ for a bangin’, phat girlie
The Tiger Cubs are ripping up the club
& everybody’s tripping to the woo-woo
Its Stevie Austin, they thought they’d lost him
But now he’s back on with some breaks from Boston
Top banana, hot love karma,
Nelson’s looking chuff’d
Cause I took him to the club where all the
Mumbo Jumbo kids are coming up
& as the bouncer’s getting down
The music’s taking us higher
To higher ground

 

TC
Welcome to the Bongo club brother, whaddaya reckon?

Nelson
Fuckin’ tops, there’s nothing like this in my hometown

TC
Yeah, all handbag house & happy slappers down your way – welcome to paradise – I mean – have you ever seen such quality tottie

Nelson
Only on the telly

TC
Trust me, mate, most of ’em are… available…
know what I mean?

General
Yo TC, long time no see, where’ve ya bin

TC
Got stuck in a lift mate

General
Did ya? Anyway am I glad to see you

TC
Why what’s up?

General
The clubs dry, pal, everyone’s necked their pills, the dealers are nowhere to be seen & we’ve finished off the house tequila – even the legal highs are illegal these days – since them SNP got in power it’s been proper hard to get off you face – please tell me yer packing summat TC?

TC
Not really, I could spare you a bit of billy

General
Nah, I don’t touch the devil’s dandruff mate, me & just about everyone else in the the club’s looking for ecstasy

TC
Sorry mate, can’t help ya

General
Nah worries, nuff respect

TC
Respect… yo, Nelson, I’d like to introduce you to a good friend of mine… Nelson, meet the Cool Pool General, best hustler in Scotland

Nelson
Nice to meet ya

General
Likewise… say TC, you goin’ down the hall later, pocket a few balls?

TC
We’ll see what the night brings, eh?

General
Hopefully one of those pretty little lovebirds over there – wish me luck, I’m going in

General goes off dancing

TC
You know Nelson, I think I might have spotted a small business opportunity
{gets out phone}
Yo, Charlie, any chance of scorin’ a hundred o’ those Dutch eccies…. how much…. you in now… right, I’ll be there in twenty minutes…
{hangs up phone}
Yo Nelson mate, I’m just off on a wee mission, look after mi stash will ya

TC gets bag out of underpants / Nelson holds bag as if to say – uuugh that’s been down your pants

TC
I got good vibes about you, son – I know a trustworthy geezer when I see one – there’s a few grams of charlie in there, & a bit of weed – after the rave ya can crash at mine – we’re all set for a bangin’ night – but, if ya fancy skinnin’ up, whatever you do, be discreet – the bouncers are proper tight round these parts, but it’s the punters you’ve gotta worry about the most, they’ll pounce on ya like a pack of volossur raptors – anyway, gotta fly – laters

Exit TC – Nelson looks in bag – finds a corner & begins to skin up – one by one the chorus (Lily, Sally, Ally & the General) notice him & flock around

***

FLIPSIDE OVER EASY

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Bouncer
I’m a bouncer down the Mumbo Jumbo
Ya fuck’d up in the head my son,
If you light that up I’m gonna do you over
For messin’ around in my joint!

Nelson
Hey chill, man chill, lets split this pill,
There’s plenty of time fer that
When you’re a free man!
I’m gonna skin up here if I have to,
I’m gonna skin up whenever I want to,
I’m gonna skin up right in yer face man,
I’m gonna skin up in yer home-boys place &
I’m gonna pass it on to all my friends,
Who are Flipside Over Easy x3

Flipside Over Easy, inside-out & round & round,
This way, that-a-way,
Any which way that I’m wantin’ to go,
I’m back-to-front, I’m comin’ up,

Bouncer
Ya goin’ down…

Lily, Krissie, Hamish, Katie, General
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Girls
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

General
I remember when I carry
Ten bags of mari-mari
But I smoked it til it was dead
I didn’t have a reefer to ease my head
Yes you don’t know what I need
You don’t know what I need
I need some weed

Harmony 1
Skin-up ezy geezer, skin it up & pass it round
This way, thataway,
Anywhichway that you want it to go
Just pack it in & skin it up & pass it round

Harmony 2
Aaaaahhhhh….

Harmony 3
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana
Herbaweed ana weedaganj ana
Ganja-a-weed ana weedamarijuana

Nelson lights up spliff & Bouncer drags him off 

(AL): Scenes 4-6


SCENE 4 – In the street outside club

Nelson is thrown out of the club

Nelson
Let us back in mate

Bouncer
Look, fuck off

Nelson
Did you go to nobhead school or summat, come on let us back in, man

Bouncer
You’re definitely not coming in now

Nelson
What’s that?

Nelson points to imaginary plan & tries to run in but is thrown out again

Nelson
Woah – woah – woah – what ya doin’- do you know who I am?

Bouncer
Yeah I know who you are, ya barr’d, now fuck off

Nelson
It was only a wee spliff – mate, cmon let us back in

Bouncer
House regulations lad – there’s a Dub night on down Cabaret Voltaire tonight – they turn a blind eye to that ganja stuff – you might get away with it there, but not in here, now clear off

Nelson
But…

Lily exits club – Nelson looks at her ass & falls in love straight away

Bouncer
…& don’t come back

***

BLONDE GIRLS

Lily
Nice song… what’s your name

Nelson
Prince Nelson the Fourth

Lily
A prince eh

Nelson
Yep that’s me

Lily
Well, your highness, I’m Lily

Nelson
Honoured

Lily
I saw you get kicked out of the club… that’s no way to treat royalty… hard lines

Nelson
Yeah, just for a wee spliff, n’all… so darlin’, where’s such a radiant angel like yourself off to all on her lonesome

Lily
I thought I’d go home, the clubs dry

Nelson
I’ve got a couple of pills on me

Lily
You have? You don’t have any coke as well, by any chance

Nelson
Coke, nah… wait-waitaminute, what was I thinkin! Of course I do, got loads of the stuff

Lily
Fancy havin’ a… session… at mine

Nelson
You got any booze

Lily
One of my mates, a barmaid down the Pond, she usually sell us some under the counter if I’m stuck

Nelson
Wicked, lets get a few bottles of pricey bubbly in, I’m payin’ baby – TAXI!!

Exit Lily & Nelson – General arrives

General
Yo mate, you haven’t seen a blonde girl have ya, she had an ass like an angel

Bouncer
Aye

General
Which way did she go?

Bouncer
You’re outta luck mate, she jumped in a taxi with that arsehole I just threw out of here

General
Gutted… say… you don’t have any pills for sale do ya?

Bouncer
I might have… just watch the door a minute while I nip to my car, & whatever you do
DON’T LET ANYONE IN

General
No probs

Exit bouncer / enter two Gadgie II

General
(practicing to himself)
If ya names not down, ya not comin’ in

Gadgie II
Alright mate, I’m on the guest list

General
Sorry, I cant let ya in til the bouncer gets back

Gadgie II
But I’m reviewing for the Mumble -Damo said I’d be on the guest list

General
I cannae do it – you’re gonna have to wait

Gadgie II
(holding up bag of coke)
How about a line of this

General
Ooo! In you go


Charlie & TC waiting outside a toilet – groans from within

TC
These pills are magic mate

Charlie
Glad to hear it – I’ll have the rest for you in a minute – HURRY UP BULLDOG

Bulldog
I’m trying boss – they just don’t seem to be shifting

Charlie
Drink some more of that plum juice

Bulldog
I’ve already necked five bottles boss… wait a second, ah here we go, here we go, they’re on their way , they’re …
{SPLASH}

Charlie
Nice one Bulldog

Bulldog
{coming out of the loo with bag of pills}
Here ya go Charlie

Charlie
Wash ’em first, for fucks sake

Bulldog
O yeah

Charlie
so, do you have the mullah, sunshine

TC
Ah Charlie – not on me, but I’ll have it soon as mate, the whole of the Bongo’s gagging for ’em 

Charlie
Very well – you’ve never done me over – so far – so we shall proceed with the transaction – Bulldog, give him a hundred pills!

Bulldog
{passing over a bag of pills}
TC

TC
Nice one boys

The trio move to the pool table where Bulldog occasionally scratches his testicles

Charlie
Say, TC, I’m sending Bulldog back to the Dam tomorrow night to pick up some fresh sweeties – if these are half as good as what you say they are, we’re set to make a fortune

TC
Yeah, put my name down for a thousand, easy

Charlie
Will do, so… what you up to tonight

TC
I met this guy dinni, bit of a bell-end, but he’s sound as fuck really, he’s waiting for me now down Mumbo Jumbo —– hang on a minute – fuck, fer fuck’s sake

Charlie
How did that happen?

TC
Well off my head, pal, it’s these Dutch eccies innit, I was so loved up I just handed him my stash

Charlie
You daft twat, that’s the last you’ll see of him mate

TC
Nah, he was a good geezer, I can see that much, he wouldn’t do anything like that, I’m sure of it

Charlie
Maybe maybe, either way, the General’s in town tonight – I’m sorting him out a bit of ching & later on we’re gonna do a spot of ‘gambling’ down Diane’s – you interested?

TC
Could be – I’ve already seen him tonight, he’s chasin’ tail down Mumbo Jumbo – he wants some of these eccies n’all

Charlie
Maybe it’s time you went & paid him a visit, then, & start shifting some of these cheeky suckers

TC
Of course – I’ll meet you down the hall with your money when the club’s shut

Bulldog
See ya later TC

TC
{exiting}
Bulldog

Charlie
What  a wanker – now rack ’em up

Charlie
Bulldog, did you pick up something extra in the Dam – you’ve been scratching your scrotum all fucking day

Bulldog
I know – I’ve got right peppery sacks boss- I might have done a spot of window shopping, if you know what I mean

Charlie
I do know what you mean you fucking slag! I can’t believe you Bulldog, ya savvy enough to put a condom on those bags of pills ya rammed up yer arse, but when it comes down to get dirty with a hooker…

Bulldog
Sorry boss, I forgot, it was the magic mushroom boss – they sell them in the windows

Charlie
Forgot! Fuck sake – Next time yer find yerself cavorting in the Dam, remember the sacred words of Saint Jeremy Kyle

Charlie & Bulldog
PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT


SCENE 6 – The Lilypad

Lily & Nelson have been having a session – empty bottles of bubbly & bags of weed on the table – sexy music on in the background

Nelson
{fingering a large sausage shape in mid-air}
So, she put it in her mouth & said that’s the biggest sausage I’ve ever seen…. I’m like, ‘honey, its only a bratwurst you can get them from Lidl these days

Lily
You’re funny…

Nelson
& you’re gorgeous

Lily
Thanks… you’re not so bad yourself…. is there any coke left by the way

Nelson
Well, there’s not much now – we’ve caned most of it… might as well cook up a couple of big, fat lines… finish it off

Lily
Damn straight…

Nelson
{starts racking up the lines}
So, are you single?

Lily
Kind of

Nelson
What do you mean?

Lily
I guess I’m just coming out of an open relationship

Nelson
What does that mean?

Lily
Well, my boyfriend, well ex now, he goes to me ‘lets have an open relationship’

Nelson
Yeah, &?

Nelson
Well it looks good on you

Lily
Does it, oh thanks

Nelson
{offering coke}
That guy sounds like a proper tosser

Lily
{snorting coke}
He was – they always are – I seem to attract delinquent neanderthals – you’re not like that are ya?

Nelson
Course not love – I’m the sophisticated type

Nelson snorts coke like  a bull

Lily
I mean, me & boys, it’s just a case of trying to fit square pegs into round holes – it just doesn’t work

Nelson
I’ve got a round peg just waitin’ to fit into your hole sweetheart

Lily
Really! So go on then, tell me about yourself

Nelson
Who, me

Lily
Yeah, what do you do for a living

Nelson
O mi – job, eh, well, I’m, ehm, I’m a sex therapist

Lily
Never

Nelson
I’ll give you a free service if you like

Nelson
Sometimes

Lily
{standing}
But… have you ever been with a real woman?

Nelson
Of course I have

Lily
No, you know, a woman, a woman with needs

Nelson
I know what you need

Nelson kisses the back of Lily’s neck

Lily
Now that was dangerous

BIRDLAND

Now I am higher than superflyer than, any man
& I, I will take you dear, thro’ the stratosphere
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos I’ve had my pick of all those pimp-ass lovers
But they never stick around long enough to say
Lets take a trip underneath your covers
Cos I feel like your lover today

I’m looking for my equal
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me…

& I feel like a dusky jewel,
my karma sutra school, Ill keep for you
& I, I can take you there, willowing thro’ the air
Just like a bird
Have you heard the word man
This bird has flown to Birdland
& you can catch me if you can
I’m waiting for my man
Cos it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate
There’s so many love songs I have to write
Lets take a trip on the top of my duvet
Cos I feel like a lady tonight

I’m looking for my hero
You gotta shine on your woman x 3
Well blow my soul away
I never met a man to make me shine…
Sh-sh-sh-shine
Come on & come on & shine
Shine on my baby, come on & shine

Nelson & Lily kiss

Nelson
I know this might sound a bit mad, & I know it’s a bit early &, I might have necked a shed load of pills, but, I positively, definitely think, that I — I – Lo…

Door buzzer goes off 

Lily
Who the fucks that!?

Nelson
Don’t answer it

Lily
It might be Felicity, it’s all over Facebook- she’s having a ‘crisis’ – I’ll just go & see…
{on the intercom}
Hello who is it

TC
{Intercom}
Alright Lily darlin, let us in, I know you’ve got Nelson up there, I need to see him pronto

Lily
Oh, TC… do you know what time it is?

TC
Yeah, time for to a big fat line of Charlie! Let us in will ya

Lily
Well, if you put it like that…
{buzzes door}

Nelson
Who was that…

Lily
TC… a mate of mine… do you know him

Nelson
Well, sort of… is he coming up?

Lily
Yeah… he said he’s got some coke as well… we’ve just finish’d yours off, so … perfect timing!

Enter TC

TC
Hey-hey-hey… what’s going on here, Celebrity Love Island… the bouncer down the Bongo said you two jumped in a taxi together

Lily
Hi man, I’m just getting to know your friend – he’s a-dorable

TC
He will be if he chops the lines out… welcome to the Lilypad, Nelson, there’s been many a rave in ‘ere, now where’s that coke…

Nelson
What coke

TC
The coke, Nelson, which I told you to keep hold of for me

Nelson
Oh, that coke

TC
Yes, Nelson, the four grams of coke which I asked you to look after while I went on a mission to get everybody high, I’m a nice guy like that

Nelson
Ehm… well, you see, its, its

Lily
Its kinda gone TC

TC
Whaddayamean, kindagone

Lily
I thought that was your stuff Nelson…
You bullshitting bastard

TC
Wooah! – wooah! – wooah! – wooah! wooah! you can save the domestics ’til ya man & wife… but I’m now down a few grams of charlie – I haven’t even paid for it yet – the guys expecting the cash in the morning & there’s no way I’m shelling out for your little love-in

Nelson
I’m so sorry mate, I lost mi ‘ed, them Dutch pills are well strong

TC
Don’t blame the fuckin’ drugs, they didn’t hold a pistol to your head saying, ‘snort all TC’s coke,’ did they – now stop fucking about & give me some money for that coke

Nelson
Sorry mate, spent up

Lily
So you’re skint as well as Pinocshio… are you even from Edinburgh?

Nelson
Eh?

Lily
Where exactly are you from?

Nelson
Peebles

Lily
Peebles, Peebles, I can’t believe I was falling for someone from Peebles.

Nelson
You were?

Lily
I might have been… but you’ve blown it now… I think you should leave…

Nelson
But baby…

Lily
I’m not yer baby, never have been, never will be, now if you’d both be so kind as to fuck off – I’ve got better things to do than put up with you two monkeys

LOVE YA BABY

Nelson
I got the notion to show some emotion
We could be lovers if you only knew
All I can think about is raisin’ my voice to shout
High over skyscrapers that I love you
I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby, what the hell ya put & put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well shame on you,
Cos you’re just full of it
what a crock of shit
All you want’s a bit of what I got
feelings that I feel
Thought they could be real
But now you’ve blown the deal so off you trot

Nelson
But I love ya baby, yes I do
I love ya baby & I know my love is true
Cos ever since I met ya girl
You just gone & blown my world
So tell me what the hell am I supposed to do

Lily
How can you love me
You hardly know my name

Nelson
I love ya baby

Lily
But I do not feel the same

Nelson
Look lady I’m not full of shit
You just can’t handle it
Cos I’m the missing bit to fill your life
Baby cant ya see
We were meant to be
It is your destiny to be my wife

I love ya baby…. yes I do
I love ya baby,
Look what the hell you put me thro
I love ya baby, yes I do,
I love ya baby

Lily
Well I DONT LOVE YOU
You are a liar, you are dishonest
You drive me crazy with all your promises
First you were lyin’, now you are leavin’
Don’t see me cryin’, don’t see me grievin’
You say ya love me
You hardly even know my name
How can ya love me when I do not feel the same
You are a user & now you know the score
You are a loser, sonny there’s the door

Nelson
But, but, we shared a kiss

Nelson
Can I make a quick call on your phone before I go – I’ve got no credit

Lily
Fer fucks sake – alright, but make it quick

TC
You’ve smoked all my weed n’all!

Lily
Yes TC darlin’, of course we’ve smoked all your weed – I didn’t know it was yours, did I, I thought it was his

TC
You fuckin’ vultures

Nelson dials his number – his own phone starts ringing

Lily
What ya doin’?

Nelson
Just gettin’ yer number baby

Lily
What! Get out! Both of you get out! Now! Out!

Nelson
Any chance of a snog before I go

Lily
OUT!

TC
What about me Lily

Lily
Look, TC, you only want to get into my knickers so you can wear em, & I don’t do carpet munchers, now get out

TC
But

Lily
I mean it, get out of my fucking house NOW!!!

TC
Cheeky bitch Alright keep your hair on…

Nelson
Your loss sister

Exit Nelson & TC in a huff grabbing the champagne en route 

(AL): Scenes 7-9

SCENE 7: Leith

It is 3AM / TC & Nelson are wandering the empty streets TC Right then you muggy little cunt, have you figured out how are you gonna pay me back yet? Nelson Whaddayamean TC You know, kid, the dosh, the cash, the mulah, the readies, the dollars, whatever you call it in Peebles… show me the fuckin’ money Nelson Money, don’t exist mate – it was made up by the governments to control the workers TC Do you live in doolalleyland or summat – money must exist cos you’ve just spent mine – you really do need to sort out what is turning out to be an extremely dangerous financial fuck-up, pronto Nelson Well, we could do a bit of busking, can you play guitar TC Course I can play guitar, do I look like a complete facking numpty Nelson Well, can you get one TC You can always get a guitar on the Cowgate – hang on a minute Exit TC for a few moments while he ‘acquires’ a guitar TC Here we go, so what shall we play Nelson How about some nineties music TC What like Happy Mondays, Stone Roses or summat Nelson Nah, more uptempo, like 2Unlimited TC Ah – got ya, you can be the hat boy Nelson What’s that? TC Just go round with ya hat innit TC & Nelson play No Limits – Nelson goes round the audience with his hat attemptig to whip up some money TC So how did we do Nelson {looking in hat} Fuckin’ shite pal TC Lets try another one – Pump Up The Jam – it’s a banger TC & Nelson play Pump Up The Jam TC Any better Nelson I’m afraid not TC Fucks sake, we’ll never make any money at this rate Nelson Mate, there’s more to life than cash, y’know TC Like what Buddhism, Gouranga, enlighten me! MONEY, MONEY, MONEY Nelson Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it When ya need it, ya aint got it When ya want it, ya can’t have it & nobody gives a damn About all those people Who are so obsess’d with greed I think if I stole their credit cards Their very souls would bleed But above all else, the strangest thing I find to be real funny Is that love is real & real is real But there’s no such thing as money Money, money, money… TC Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it Nelson Dunno TC Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths… Nelson I went down to the jewellers With a house-brick in my hand, I chuck’d it thru the windah & I snook myself a grand, I heard sirens to the left & I heard violence to the right, I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree Than a flunky of a fuckt up society Nelson & TC {Nelson gives TC jewels} Money, money, money TC Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool Nelson Is a copper bent! TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is there TC We went to play the tables On the shady side of town, I met the cool pool gen’ral, All the hustlers gather’d round, I potted trick-shots to the left, I potted fluke-shots to the right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pool hall tonight… Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea Than a captain of the rock aristocracy Nelson, TC, Chorus Money, money, money… Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrested Coppers Well hello sunshine, how do you do You got the face that fits the crime & son we’re after you You might be pretty, you might be a cat But in my city be a diplomat Cos this country is a queen bee & we workers make her honey So do the time & pay the fine & hand over all your money All Money, money, money… Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police station Nelson So they dragg’d me to the station Where I knew I couldn’t fail, “Take those fuckin cuffs off me & let me out on bail!” I had tit-head to mi left & I had nipple-head to mi right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pig-house tonight Cos I’d rather be somebody like me Than a flunky of this fuckt up society {Copper 2 leads the general to the cells} Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher, Healer, dealer, spiritual believer, Shunter, hunter your average punter Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper? Ticket inspector, comic collector, A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker, A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler Alas, o woe is me… Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money All Money, money, money….

SCENE 8 – Leith Police Station

Copper 1 is checking Nelson into custody Nelson {fidgety} Yo copper… what the hell have you arrested me for?! Copper 1 There was a burglary at a jewellers last night – cctv cameras picked up images of a couple of men, one of which strongly resembles yourself Nelson It has to be a stitch up… I’ve only just rolled into town Copper 1 Looks like you’ll be rolling straight into prison son Copper 2 returns Copper 2 That’s your mate cosied up for the night, now it’s your turn – just how high are you? Nelson Hi, how are you Copper 2 No, I said HOW HIGH ARE YOU – you’re clearly under the influence of narcotics – you can’t keep still Nelson I’m nervous… Copper 1 I think we’ll need to give you a drugs test laddie, just put this wee swab under your tongue Nelson Bloody hell… what is this shit Copper 2 This shit, as you so rudely put it, is procedure… just give us the swab TC gives Copper 2 the swab, who puts it in machine / a few seconds pass / machine starts to flash & whirr Copper 2 Bloody hell! You’ve broke it, what exactly have you taken tonight TC Just a couple of rennies, that’s all Copper 1 You’ll kill yourself if you carry on at this rate, mate TC Yeah – whatever – I’m allowed a phone call right Copper 2 Of course, that is the law Nelson Give us one then Copper 1 I’m afraid we will have to dial the number – do you have it Nelson Sure – it’s on my phone, it’s the last one diall’d Copper 1 dials the number / at the Lilypad, Lily answers Lily Who the fuck’s that… do you know what time it is Copper 1 Sorry about that madam… I’m calling from Leith Police station… I have a young man called Nelson here, he says he is a friend of yours… {Lily hangs up} I’m afraid she has hung up Nelson Nah, surely not… she must have been cut off – try again Copper 1 repeats the call – gets to answer machine Copper 1 It’s the answering machine – you can leave her a message Nelson Cool, hold the handset up for us please ALIBI Nelson I never did it, They got the wrong guy & I’m tellin’ ya girl We’re too young to die & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say You were with me yesterday Be my Alibi I didn’t do it Why would I lie I am an honest man Just look into my eyes when you can & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say We were loving the night away Be my Alibi Now I’m down on my knees as I pray Please don’t throw our love away Be my Alibi x 4 Copper 2 Right, times up lad, off to the cells with ya, Nelson I don’t believe this… why the fuck did I ever listen to mad bitch Brenda Copper 2 Come on lad, this way Exit copper 2 & Nelson

SCENE 9 – Police cell

There are two  prisoners, one asleep under a blanket, one is the General – Copper 1 escorts Nelson into his cell Copper 1 In you get – now behave yourself General Alright mate Nelson Alright General What’s ya name again, kid Nelson Nelson General O yeah, that’s right, you’re a mate of TC’s – fucking wanker – he puts his hat on my head, scarpers, then all of a sudden I’m arrested Nelson Unlucky General & those dodgy coppers nicked all mi drugs n’all… so what you in for kid? Nelson They think I smashed up some jewellers General Did ya? Nelson That particular fact is not important, but my night is ruined now… who the hell do they think they are, taking away my liberty like that General Eh, kid, your being here & my being here, they’re not… connected… are they? Cos if they are… Nelson How do I know, pal… mi heads in bits & I need a fuckin spliff – I’m not even from this shithole of a city – everyone’s either posh as fuck or off their faces on drugs… I wish I’d never even come to Edinburgh in the first place – I’d be home right now, safely tucked up in bed Brenda At least you’ve got a bed Nelson Woah, Brenda, what the fuck are you doin’ here Brenda Listened to my own advice, thought I’d check out the big city, Nelson What did ya get arrested for? General Personal hygiene Brenda I got arrested for beating up the last little fanny ba’s who commented on my personal hygiene – alright – anyway, its been a while since I was in town & I forgot there were some outstanding sherrif’s court bullshit floating around from the last time Nelson Gutted Brenda Nae worries… don’t mind really, the squat down the Old Town I used to doss in has been knocked down & turned into student flats – at least I’ve got a roof over me head for the night…. Nelson Lucky you Enter Copper 1 Copper 1 I thought you miscreants might want a cup of tea Nelson Fuck off fuzz Copper 1 I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that – here you are, there’s a drink each General {trying tea} Uuugh… what the fucks that supposed to be Copper 1 Tea Nelson That’s not tea, that’s rat piss Copper 1 Whatever it is, that’s all you are getting – this isn’t the Scotsman hotel – if you want a decent cup of tea STAY OUT OF TROUBLE Exit copper General Listen pal, ya just havin’ a yang son – for every yang there’s a yin just waiting on the horizon – don’t worry yourself about the boys in blue, it’ll soon blow over, unless you’ve murdered someone or summat Nelson Nah… it’s just… I’ve only just gone & met the love of my life, haven’t I – & now I’m banged-up in this bloody place Brenda The love of your life… what’s she called Nelson Ehhm, shes call’d, eehm, well I can’t actually remember, but she’s drop-dead gorgeous & sound as a pound – I think I’m in love Brenda Love! You don’t even know her name General That’s the drugs talkin’ that is…. ecstasy specs are a lot more powerful than beer-goggles – you can go to bed with a ten out of ten & wake up with a two Nelson I know that – I’ve never gone to bed with a minger, but I’ve woken up with a few… but this time, it was the real thing, the real deal – it was love, I could feel it Brenda That was just yer hard-on, Nelson, you men are all the same, all you do is think with yer nobs, & that’s why yer fuckin nobs Nelson Nah Nah Nah– I love her,  & she loves me too, I know she does – but I’ve just gone & used my one phone call to talk to her & she just hung up on me – blown me out – I can’t believe it, I was sure she felt the same Brenda She might have done mate, but girls are complex creatures – do you not know that, have you not had a girlfriend before… Nelson Yeah, loads Brenda How long did the longest last Nelson About three weeks Brenda Exactly, mate, you’re flippin’ useless – Nelson I’m just keeping my options open General Don’t blame ya – being with a woman is like being in a minefield – one false step & ‘Kerboom’ Brenda Boys, boys, boys – to truly understand a woman you’ve got to think like a woman – you gotta give her time, be sensitive to her feelings – she might come round in the end – & when she does, there are three things you must always show her Nelson What are they then? Brenda Faith, love & understanding FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING Brenda It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time, Right time to show how yer feelin’, You want to share your life But life can be so demanding, This is the day, now what a day, come alive, Lay down & bear up your soul, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Brenda {singing to General} It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time, Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies, Future seems far away But future is always pendin’, This is the night, now what a night, Come around, Wake up & answer her call, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Some people love to lead their life Some people like to wait But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate & I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new Gonna act upon the chemistry And see this love thing thro Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Copper 1 {banging on door} Shut that bloody racket – its lights out now General Nobheads Nelson Cheers for the advice lady… but I don’t know if I’ll be takin it… last time I listened to you look where I ended up! Brenda Fair enough mate… sleep on it tho’, eh? Nelson Will do pal General You <points to Brenda> don’t come anywhere near me, ya dig? Brenda What you on about… I can tell you want me General Yes I do want you – I want you to leave me a-fucking-lone Brenda But, sugartits, I know how to, y’know, please a man General Well please leave me a-fucking-lone – goodnight Nelson Get a room you two