Scene 1: Burnley
Barry emerges from his mum’s house, she hands him his ‘bait’ in a lunchbox
SEVEN FIFTY
Barry
Catch the seven-fifty in the morning for my shift,
Don’t wanna be late
Its fucking Monday morning & this is the day
That I just hate
Pack’d to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…
Subscene: Barry working in a factory
Time is seven-fifty near the end of my shift
Need a spliff mate
I’ve roll’d up a reefer, I’m coming to see ya
It’ll be great
Packed to the hilt, break neck, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..
Subscene: Peanut’s house – Peanut & Mojo come in from work & start rolling a joint
Peanut
I’m a work all week so patient
Lookin out for my main man
Try to get out straighten’d
Cocktail combinations
Recall the sensation
Every situation
Buzzin the vibration
Downtime
Seven-Fifty…..
{Enter Barry}
Mojo
Give me seven-fifty & I’ll sell you a share
You’re my shipmate
I’ve skinn’d up a reefer
I’ve something to teach ya
It’ll be great
Mojo, Peanut, Barry
Packed to the hilt, break down, full tilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Back to mi quilt, head down, no guilt
Smokin’ til the sun goes down
Seven-Fifty…..
Peanut
Grind it, refine it
Gonna lick them skins & light it
Roll it & mould it
Light it up, control it
Inhale it & hold it
Indica unfolding
& reach up,
I’m floating, I’m floating
Seven-Fifty… I’m floating, I’m floating, I’m…
Peanut
That’s quality that is
Barry
What is it Peanut?
Mojo
Proper squidgy black, I prefer it myself
Barry
Tell me about it, green’s gone well expensive, & it pickles mi head n’all… how much on your teenth?
Peanut
Seven Fifty
Barry
Three teenths for twenty?
Peanut
Go on then
Mojo
Ta
Peanut starts weighing out the squidgy black
Peanut
I can’t believe its’ stag-do already
Barry
Yeah, one more day o’ work & we’ll be off to sunny Edinburgh
Mojo
Buzzin!
Peanut
So the missus has finally let you off leash mate, I can’t remember last time you were out wi’ lads
Barry
To tell ya’ truth, I coulda gone ter moon & she wunt have noticed – she’s obsess’d with that bloody wedding
Mojo
I can’t believe we’re even going to Scotland in December – Benidorm’s alright in winter, it sometimes gets to twenty degrees – it was twenty-four one Boxing Day
Barry
We go to Benidorm every July, Mojo – besides, there’s a Christmas market on in Edinburgh, I thought I’d buy Shazza a nice pricey gift, summat fancy, like
Peanut
I’ve never been to Scotland, me, I’m looking forward to it
{Passing joint}
Here you are Baz
Barry
Thanks very much, kidda… anways, there’s supposed to be some good clubs & that up there – we’re gonna cause some reyt carnage
Mojo
Course we fuckin’ are, we’re Burnley boys innit
Mojo, Barry, Peanut
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
We love you Burnley, we do
O Burnley we love you,
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
The Burnley {clap-clap-clap}
Bertie Bee said to Bill Shankly,
Have you heard of the North Bank Highbury,
Shanks said no, I don’t think so,
But I’ve heard of the Longside Burnley,
Na Na Na Na (x3) We are the Longside Burnley
Enter Sharon carrying identical wedding paraphenelia in two colours
Sharon
Alright boys
Mojo & Peanut
Sharon
Peanut
Are you all reyt
Sharon
I’m fine thank-you, I hope you don’t mind me dropping in like this but I just wanted to ask Baz a tinsy, winsy question
Barry
What is it now?
Sharon
I’m getting the feeling you don’t care about this wedding… My friend Penny says it is absolutely vital for the karmic balance of our future children to have fully colour-co-ordinated fen shui at the wedding – do you not care about your children
Barry
We don’t have any
Sharon
Not yet we don’t, but they’re gonna be so cute aren’t they, little Shabazzes running about all over the shop – anyway, red or blue
Barry
Eehm… red?
Sharon
Red!? Are you sure? I thought the blue was better – we’ll go with the blue – so are you coming or what
Barry
Where
Sharon
My place, I’m cooking your tea, remember?
Barry
O yeah – but I’ve only just put my feet up, I’ve been on ’em all day, can I just have five minutes
Sharon
No, mi potatoes are on, I’ve got’ car outside, lets go
Barry
Bloody ‘ell – alright – see you tomorrow lads
Peanut
Can’t wait mate
Sharon
By the way, if I find out any of you two have led my Barry astray up Scotland, there’ll be all hell to pay
Mojo
Don’t fret Sharon, we’ll keep him out of harm’s way, promise, don’t worry about it
Sharon
You’d better bloody had do, right Baz lets go
Barry
Lads
Peanut & Mojo
Laters
Exit Barry & Sharon
Mojo
Shes proper mental ‘er
Peanut
They all are Mojo – fancy a bong
Mojo
Go on then
Scene 2: The Lily Pad, Leith
Lily is in the middle of giving City a make-over. She is at the intercom buzzing in Brenda & India.
Lily
Up you come, its the second floor, first on the left… I still can’t believe you’re marrying an Italian gangster
City
Me neither, but we just, y’know, click – my life of casual affairs & drunken orgies is well & truly over
Lily
Are you not bothered about the age difference?
City
Not at all – I prefer older men anyway, the geezers our age are all fingers and thumbs
Lily
Ooo! I love a bit of fingers & thumbs , me
City
I know what you mean, doll… top my glass up will you
Enter India & Brenda
India
Are you pouring?
Lily
Sure am – hello Brenda
Brenda
Hiya… India invited me along, I hope you don’t mind
City
Course not
Brenda
I needed a night out… the General’s on a massive love mission at the moment – to be honest he’s doing in my coupon – I need a bit of girlie time
Lily
Well you’ve come to the right place lady, there’s no boys here
City
You’re more than welcome Brenda, help yourself to wine & nibbles
India
So City… how are you doing, you must be nervous
City
I’m fine, the immediate prospect of moving to salubrious villa high over the hills of Rome is calming me down better than any camomile tea, if you know what I mean
India
I do like your hair, City
City
Thanks
Lily
I got it out of an old Smash Hits – she makes a good Siobhan Fahey, don’t you think girls
India
Very nice
Brenda
Who’s Siobhan Fahey
Lily
She’s in Banarama
City
It’s a hen party innit – but there’s only three in Bananarama, I’m afraid Brenda… I’ve some pussycat ears & a black catsuit, tho’, you can borrow them if you like
Brenda
Why not?
City
I’ll go get ’em you
Exit City
Lily
So how about it girls, a bit of Bananarama to get the party started
Lily puts on ‘Venus’ & starts singing it – India & Brenda join in pulling some reyt moves – City returns with a cat suit, pussycat ears & two veils
City
Here you go Brenda, put these on, you’ll look well hot – so girls I need some help – which one of those two veils should I wear – I can’t decide which is the best colour –
India
Whats the difference
Lily
One’s offwhite & the other’s eggshell – can’t you tell
India
Well…
Brenda
Go with the eggshell
City
Yeah, I though that
Lily
You’re gonna look sooo gorgeous on your wedding day, City
India
True… but don’t get me wrong, it’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a dress you’re only ever gonna wear the once, when all it does is end up being crumpled in a heap on your wedding night
India
I won’t be needing a dress at my wedding – I’ll be getting married naked in the woods
Brenda
{getting into catsuit}
I don’t think I’ll ever get married – I mean, making legal a whole world of hassles, snores & socks &, quite frankly, the downright sheer ridiculousness of living with a man
City
You can always mould one to personal taste, y’know, it just takes a bit of effort & time, but they’ll crack eventually, we women hold the keys to paradise
Lily
To be honest, I don’t think there’ll be any moulding of Don Vito y’know – at his age he’s fully formed
India
Hey doll, have you & Don Vito, y’know…
City
Not yet… I’m saving myself for the wedding night
Lily
Then she’ll be off to the races with her Italian stallion
Brenda
You’re brave – I find sex the first time with a new guy a freaky experience – I’m like does he think I’m fat – am I a bit stinky – y’know
India
If a man truly loves you, it doesn’t matter what you look like – you’ll be making love an an astral level
City
I prefer my men to be like wild animals
Lily
Mine’s a wild animal
Brenda
Lucky you
Lily
Yeah, he stinks out the house & eats any food that’s left out
City
Having sex for the first time with a new guy is just like losing your virginity all over – its exciting
Brenda
I remember losing my virginity… I’d always had this dream of making love to an exotic gentleman beneath the stars, on a soft, sandy beach right next to the Pacific Ocean
Lily
Did it come true?
Brenda
Nearly… it was Trevor Mackintosh, in a bunker on Peebles golf course
India
Did he get a hole in one
Brenda
He was a wonder with a one wood
Lily
I had a threesome my first time
City
You what!?
Brenda
You never
Lily
I did
City
How old were you
Lily
Sixteen, we all were
Brenda
That’s a bit sexually sophisticated for sixteen is it not… boys that age think that foreplay is sharing a bottle of bucky
India
Go on, spill the beans
LOSING MY VIRGINTY
Lily
Mi mum went to bingo, I do recall
I called my first ever boyfriend up on the phone
Said, why don’t you come over
Mi mum wont be back til ten
He said I’d love to & can I bring a friend
I said no problem, mi mam’s filled the fridge with grub
I bought some condoms from the machine down at the pub
I met them at the bus stop they were looking so fine
I thought ooo! proper fit,
& I hoped they would both be mine
All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh
Lily
So we went to my bedroom & put on MTV
Had fags & cider that we blagged on a fake ID
All of a sudden they were rolling over me
Why do it with two when you can try it with three
We soon got naked, having it off on the floor
Said please be gentle cos ive never done this before
They say its never very good for your first time
But I’m glad that those bad little lads were mine
All
Oo-na-nah, na-na-nah
Woah-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh
City
Alright girls, lets show the Cowgate what we got
Lily, Brenda & City howl their appreciation
Lily
Ecstasy anybody
India
Don’t mind if I do
Lily begins handing out ecstasy tablets
India
Thank you very much
Lily
{To City}
Here you go, hen
City
Nice one Lillian…
{putting cat-ears on Brenda}
Finishing touches – you look great – we can do your whiskers in the pub
Lily
A cheeky half Brenda
Brenda
I think I’ll have a full one, I’m ready to dance
City
{at the door ready to lock up}
Ladies…
Lily
Tis the season to be wicked
All
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Lily
I lost my head, my purse, my knickers
All
Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Exit Lily, India, Brenda & City
The Conchordia Folio 
