& so its time to say hello I hope that you’ll enjoy the show Gather round, into the sound But not if you’ve got vertigo Because were getting higher The actors are sailin’ the ship We’re getting higher The drummers’ll funk up yer trip & all the music’s shootin’ straight from the hip So come on (get a grip) Of the song (as it slips) from your tongue As it leaps from your lips Like a lion on its prey All the gods & the ghosts Shall applaud us at our, laud us at our play
SCENE 1: The General’s Flat
The General is at home playing his X-Box Live (italics for when he’s shouting at the screen) / Enter Brenda
Brenda Alright babe… I said alright babe
General Are you taking the piss, are you actually taking the piss Hey honey – how was work
Brenda As lousy as ever, I’m absolutely knackered, I can’t believe I’ve got to go out again in an hour – I really don’t know how long I can keep this up for Tristan
General I’ve made you your tea by the way
Brenda O darlin’, – what is it, im starving
General There’s a pot noodle & a wagon wheel on the side
Brenda A pot noodle!?
General It’s a Bombay Badboy – its yer favorite
Brenda Oh, thanks
General You couldnt make us a cup of tea while the kettles on, could ya They’re down there, behind that building, can’t you see them ya muppet
Brenda begins to make the tea / pot noodle
Brenda Have you had any luck today
General Nah, still cant get past level six
Brenda Not on ya stupid wank-box, I meant about getting a job
General But babe – its Saturday
Brenda I know its a fucking Saturday – its my double shift day – I’ve just done a morning down Lidl – now I’ve got five minutes to get changed & get down the chippy for seven hours – it was easier being a busker – you haven’t even washed up, you said you’d do it
General Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tonight — O baby
Brenda Yeah
General You couldnt lend us forty quid could ya
Brenda Forty quid! How ya gonna pay me back
General Its allowance day, Monday
Brenda Oh, that’s right, mummy’s happy hand-out – so what do you want it for, anyway
General There’s a tournament on tonight down Diane’s Pool Hall
Brenda It’s been 3 months since you won any money at pool
General Exactly, my looks bound to change sooner or later right Get in there, yes, come on, quality control!
Brenda So let me get this straight, I’m going out all hours earning money which you feel entitl’d to blow on beer & pool
General Its an investment babe – mate What are you doing, keep up, fer fucks sake Do you not love me anymore, babe
Brenda Less & less each day
***
BIG FAT DREAMER
While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table
Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away
Stand up stand up be counted Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah Try tai-chi take in a movie Not on yer settee but down at the movies Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & say goodbye To your nice settee
Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away
Stand up stand up be counted Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah Try tai-chi take in a movie Not on yer settee but down at the movies…
Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy But turn off MTV & see how things could be Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning Sail a boat to a Spanish island Join a book club, cook some good grub Change ya ways & range ya style Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for Now ya more of a bedtime stranger This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for Is now cursed with a certain danger Big time dreamer Ya dreamin ya life away Big time dreamer Ya dreamin ya life away….
***
General What was all that about – is it evil week or summat?
Brenda Prick!!
Brenda storms out
***
MODERN MAN
General Who are ya foolin’ Who are ya foolin’ Who are ya foolin’ Who are ya foolin’
Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds We’ve been wastin all our money on a marathon of lines We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night & we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright
Who’d wanna be a workin’ man in the city With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord I’d be better off spendin life on the dole
Who are ya foolin’ Who are ya foolin’
Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair
It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon {enter Brenda} & then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly & she found my mistress in our flat doing fucked up things to me
Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker Talkin’ seven shades of shit on the phone my lord I’d be better off goin’ back on the dole I’d be better off playing rock & roll
The General is tied half-naked to a chair / Shannon hovers over him / Brenda is not happy
Brenda Is this for fuckin real
General It’s not what it looks like darlin
Shannon It’s exactly what it looks like, actually, & it was all going great til you turned up
Brenda Who the fuck are you
Shannon Who are you?
Brenda I… am his girlfriend, ya little slut – get out of my house now
Shannon It’s not your house tho’ is it… its Tristan’s… who, by the way, never said he had girlfriend
General You never asked
Shannon No worries – I don’t mind at all, I’m polyamorous… {putting on her coat} It’s been fun… PM me
Exit Shannon / Brenda goes to throw one of her sex toys at her
Brenda & dont forget your…. what the fuck is that
General It’s a psychedelic spunk monkey
Brenda It’s a what?
General Look, it doesn’t matter what it is babe. I’m sorry
Brenda Sorry, sorry! – I do hope that’s the understatement of the century
General Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it is, I’m proper, proper sorry – I’m absolutely devastated
Brenda What, devastated you got caught or devasted you didn’t get to finish your sordid little gimp session
General You… me… us… I mean, I dont know… things just haven’t been right in a while now, have they?
Brenda Maybe they haven’t… but most couples talk about their problems… not go off fuckin other people… you’ve totally minced my head… you’ve broken us
General Nah baby doll – nothings unfixable… a bit of spiritual super glue & we’ll be alright, we’re just having a bit of a blip… all relationships have em, right, its natural… now if you’ll be a wee sweetheart & untie me, we can sort everything out
Brenda Look, nobhead, you’ve made your bed, now sit in it
Exit Brenda
General Brenda, come back, where ya going, ya cant just leave me here like this, BBRENNNDDDAAA… ah, bollox
The General tries to get his phone but it is too far away – enter Dante Alighieri clapping hands
Dante Bra–vo – complimenti!
General Who the fuck are you – & what the hell are ya wearing
Dante My name is Dante, Dante Alighieri, I have been sent from Heaven
General Yo freakoid! Get the fuck out of my house before I call the Fuzz
Dante Could you tell me, please, just how are you going to do that
General Look mate – if you’re gonna rob me, fine, but please dont take my X-box, I’m about to get to level seven – mi bird’s laptop is over there, take that instead, its worth loads
Dante I am not here to rob you, I’m here to help you
General You’re here to what
Dante Help you
General Well, you could make a start by untying me
Dante Una momento… first, I would like to tell you about my mission
General Your mission? What mission?
Dante My boy, since yesterday evening, do you realise you have comitted all seven of the seven deadly sins
General Did I?
Dante Si… the pride you show for your, lets admit it, shitty pool-playing
General Oi! what ya on about
Dante Your sloth-like refusal to look for a job, your lust for another woman, your gluttony for drugs & alcohol, your greed for Brenda’s money…
General You’d better watch what you’re fuckin’ saying mate
Dante Your anger…
General So what if I did, whats it got to do with you anyway
Dante Well – I’m just the middle man in the operation – God is a very busy deity you know, & simply does not have the time to attend to all of the sinners in the world – but every now & again there comes a special case where the Supreme Being likes to get a little more… involved
General What, there’s actually a God
Dante Of course there is
General Wh-wh-what’s he like
Dante The Omiscient One has no gender – but possesses infinite wisdom & has sent me to give you guidance
General Guidance, whaddayamean
Dante {untieing the General} I’m here to save your soul, boy
General Right, listen here pal, I don’t know what cuckoo-cloud you just fell off, but you’d better get out my house NOW before I throw you out
Dante {grabbing hold of the General} Delighted dear boy
General Whatcha doin!? get off me…
Dante & the General enter the space-time continuum
They are transported to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro
General What the … how the f… where the hell are we
Dante We are on top of Mount Kilimanjaro
General Kilimanjaro – in Africa – wooah – it is as well – I came here on a family safari as a kid! What the fuck just happen’d
Dante Lets say that the allmighty has invested certain powers in me
General O man – I knew I shouldnt have had any of Shannon’s ketamine
Dante Tristan, my boy, this is real – I have the ability to transfer your body & your spirit across time
General You can – where’s your machine then
Dante I do not need machine, boy, we will be travelling on the metaphysical planes, my boy, just hold on to me tightly & we’ll arrive at our next destination
General Wow – this is mental – this is really fuckin’ mental
Dante It is a little out of the ordinary isn’t it, I must say I was quite amazed the first time it happened to me
General O, Brenda, you got it so wrong girl, so, so wrong… my life’s going nowhere, she said, I’m never gonna get anywhere, she said, well how about crossing the space-time continuum honey….
SCENE 2: The Space-Time Continuum
Dante & The General are travelling thro’ time
TIMEWARPIN
Dante We’re goin Timewarpin We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time We’ll get some good stuff in When we’ll be watching centurions Crossing those rubicons Drinking that true Trojan wine
General We’re goin Timewarpin & I might never be coming back home We’ll get some good lovin Down in Julius Ceasar’s Or his son Augustus Or crazy Caligula’s rome
Dante & the General Present past & futures Comin’ thro us down the line & all that we can glean are distant Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin
Dante Were going tightropin’ On a ribbony rope tho’ the air We’ll get some good dope in In those palaces of all the Glorious & gaudy Parises of Baudelair
General Were goin Timewarpin’ & I’m leavin somebody behind She might be good lookin’ But shes getting me thinkin’ Her company’s bringin’ Those monkeys that swing in my mind
Dante & the General Present past & futures Gonna teach us right from wrong & all the scenes we’ll see is history
Dante Shatter’d into pieces Speaking to this species As if Oddysean song
Tristan Some sentimental feelin’
Dante Time, time, Time x2 Is always goin in circles Time, time Time x2
General But nobody knows this for certain
Dante We’re goin Timewarpin Thro the chronicles of human kind & from the mess you’re in We shall dig out the man in your mind
Dante & the General Present past & futures Comin thro us down the line & all that we can glean are distant Dreams of the divine
Dante Y’gotta rise your soul into a Higher calling Like a flyer fallin We’ll be fireballin’
Dante Once the day is done Ya get one life no other one Should never have to cast aside Those dreams we had when we felt so alive
Hey boy hold on tight Were like a symbiotic satellite Goin up high with the pegasi Beyond the ken of all your sciences
General Alright I’m squeezing tight But I’ve never been the bad type in my life But if ya think that I need to try A little harder then friend lets do this
Dante We’re born, & then we die Across the short chiasmic gulf of life One should learn to quantify Our celebrations & alliances
Hold on we wont be long We gotta do that timewarp to the song So we can work out whats right & wrong Thro’ all our exits & our entrances
Mary Sutton, the swimming of a witch in 1608, Her cartwheel was broken: it was believed that if this was done a witch couldn’t curse you
An English village – Lucy Periwinkle is tied to a stake inserted in a pile of firewood – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
General Where are we? When are we?
Dante This is England, sixteen hundred & forty three – the height of the Civil War – you are about to witness the execution of a young woman call’d Lucy Periwinkle
General What did she do
Dante Nothing at all
General Why’s she gonna die
Dante Alas, Miss Periwinkleis an unfortunate victim of the ignorant & mindless perescution innate in every human being – on this occasion it is being channel’d thro’ the evil spirit that was Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General – ah… speak of the Devil
Enter Matthew Hopkins & some surly looking peasants
***
BURN THE WITCHES
Matthew Hopkins Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Drag them down into the ditches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float
General Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float
Matthew Hopkins If they don’t drown they’re goin down Were draggin the hagwoman down I bet she’s been making bad potions & sellin’ em all around town
Lucy Periwinkle Why give me the tag of a satanic hag I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame But I know im a holy woman
Peasants Down We’re draggin the hagwoman down I bet she’s been making a fortune & keepin it all from the crown
Matthew Hopkins Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Drag them down into the ditches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float
General Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float
Matthew Hopkins If they don’t drown they’re goin down We’re draggin the hagwoman down I bet she’s been making a fortune & spendin it all round the town
Lucy Periwinkle Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile All I’ve been is something different I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent
Peasants Drown We’re lettin’ the hagwoman drown I bet she’s been making a fortune & keepin’ it all from the crown
Matthew Hopkins What we gonna do with her people
Peasants BURN HER!!!!
Matthew Hopkins Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Drag them down into the ditches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Peasants Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches
Matthew Hopkins They are just a bunch of bitches
Peasants Burn em, burn em, burn the witches
General I cannae watch this
Dante I know, gruesome stuff eh?
General It’s bloody barbaric
Dante I’m glad you noticed…
General Can we not do something to help
Dante I’m afraid its against the rules {Lucy starts screaming} Its better I get you out of here rapido – I would like to show you the exact opposite of persecution
General What’s that?
Dante It is love, my boy, love for your fellow man… its time we hit the Sixties, the west coast of America, at the geographical & chronological centre of the Summer of Love…
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
SCENE 4: San Francisco (1967)
A group of hippies are having a sunrise hippy jam lovefest – enter Dante & the General from the space-time coninuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
General It all looks a bit Charlie Manson to me
Dante No, that’s LA, its a different vibe completely down there, all that Hollywood & cocaine plant extract… no, this is San Francisco, acid country, peace man !
General Far out
Dante Sarcasm might not qualify as a major sin in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, but it is definitely annoying – basta, si, finito!
General Alright, alight, chillax
Dante Chillax?
General It means chilling out & relaxing at the same time
Dante {writing in a notebook} Hmm, I like that, chill-lax, an interesting & most quality kenning
***
DOWN ON THE BEACH
As the drums are speeding Johnny bums the weed in & a mums breast feedin’ Down on the beach (down on the beach) As the vibes enhancing Dave the Rave’s gone trancin Sally belly dancing Down on the beach (down on the beach) Peace love & happiness makes me undress
As the seagulls swoopin Larry loop the loopin Uma hula hoopin Down on the beach (down on the beach) Brotherman’s gone mental Davey transcendental It’s a party central Down on the beach (down on the beach) Peace love & happiness makes me undress I got half a mind to leap in the sea Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest Before the sunjammin’ family
Jenny’s gone all jiggy Johnnys such a hippy Touch ya soul & dig it Down on the beach (down on the beach) As the sunlights creepin All the birds are leapin John the bongs gone sleepy Down on the beach (down on the beach) Peace love & happiness makes me undress I got half a mind to leap in the sea Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest Before the sunjammin’ family
The summer of love is coming I can hear the tribal drumming I can see the rainbow changin All the colours are rearranging Love is the answer
Tho’ Jonny looks like he’s nappin His foot start tappin It feels like he’s still a dreaming To this song & when he stands up clappin It makes us happy It feels like we were the dreamers all along
We are the sunjammin Sunjammin family Watchin the sun risin’ Over the summer sea & when the suns comin Up to the fun drummin This timeless fantasy Has never felt so free
We are the sunjammin Sunjammin family Watchin the ships roll in Across the summer sea & when the boats come in Up to the fun drummin All of our friends can be Part of the family
***
Dante Now we’ve been Timewarpin’ Thro’ all the tides of time I hope some sense sinks in Enough to guide your mind
Present Past & future Will forever keep alive Til we find the answers, do ya Sense them,
General O yes I can
Dante Give me your hand my man
General Dante I plan to survive
Dante Look at how they all love each other – good music, good people, feee love – they are living together under the spell of social acceptance – everybody is equal in the eyes of a hippy
General Everybody drinks the same water, right
Dante Essato {swigging from a bottle} Or in this case some rather delicious tropical rum, I found it near the hippies
General I thought we weren’t supposed to get involved
Dante Booze is allowed {swigging from the bottle} Its good – want some
General Alright, gizza swig {swigging from the bottle} So where next
Dante We shall now be focussing on one of the most important virtues
General What’s that
Dante Lotalty, my boy, loyalty… its time we went to Texas
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
***
SCENE 5: The Alamo, 1836
Davy Crockett is in his bed, the Mexican assault on the Alamo is raging all around inside the fort – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
***
THE ALAMO
Davy Crockett Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai This is mine, this aint yours, Theres one thing u should know I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican Ya gonna die in the Alamo
Cos they call me Davy Crockett I got a pistol in my pocket I got a bowie knife I’d lay down my life For the holy rodeo
I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no Im Texicana fighting for the lone star
I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me Cos im getting off on the odds I got a gun for you I got a gun for two I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods
Cos they call me Davy Crockett I got a pistol in my pocket I got a shotgun & a bowie knife I’m the king of the hounds & dogs
I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no Im Texicana fighting for the lone star
Well I’m fighting for the Alamo Maybe its my time to go The bloodlust fills my appetite & fortifies my will to fight
Cos they call me Davy Crockett I got a pistol in my pocket I got a shotgun & a bowie knife I’m the king of the wild frontier
Im gonna try in the Alamo Im gonna try for the Alamo Im gonna die in the Alamo Im gonna die for the Alamo
Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans
Lying down in my gory guts I’m gonna die here on my bed But all around my last battleground the enemys blood was shed
Cos they call me Davy Crockett I got a pistol in my pocket I got a shotgun & a bowie knife remember me when im dead
***
General Wow – so that’s Davy Crockett
Dante Davy Crockett, si – this is the Alamo fortress – Texas 1836, just a couple of hundred brave American souls are battling ten thousand Mexicans – but for them the end has almost come
General Why bring me here, dude
Dante I wanted to teach you about loyalty – of defending your ideals & your responsibility – all Humans are capable of such nobility, but all you seem interested in right now is getting, how you say, off your face, & playing with sticks & balls, a silly game, by the way, which you seem to lose an awful lot at
General I’m just having a bad run of luck pal
Dante No matter, as long as you are absorbing into your psyche that, just as Davey Crockett died for Texas, so everyone alive must defend the honour of the loved one
General Alright, alright, I get it
Dante Aha! I see a little chink has appeared in your, how would you say it in the colloquial – ‘nobhead armour’– the Divine spirit was right, as always, your soul might be saveable yet
General So where next, this is cool
Dante This time, my boy, we’ll be shooting forwards to the future!!
A meeting of the world leader cabal – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
General When are we now
Dante It is the year Twenty Fifty – those people sitting down are members of the world leader cabal – they are so obsessed with money they are literally killing the Planet Earth, all in the name of personal wealth
General Pure greed
Dante Essato – any moment now they are to receive a visit from a certain body of green activists
General What, Greenpeace, Extinction Rebellion?
Dante No, these are the main guys, they call themselves the Druids, my boy – & here they come, bang on time as usual – they’re very punctual are the Pendragons
Enter druids
***
LOVE THE PLANET
Drowning islands, blood red diamonds Assassin silence, it’s all the same Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne
Love the planet (save her) Love the planet She’s the only one we got
Many people fear we must dissapear (Melt away) Like a candle Look inside your soul, we could lose it all (People say) it’s a scandal
Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth God got no halo, she lyin’ down below Mother Gaia know the simple truth
Love the planet (save her) Love the planet She’s the only one we got
When you look at me tell me what you see (Am I real) am I worthless Look upon the earth calculate its worth (Can you feel) it is priceless To ye high & almighty masters of economy Thinking that ecology could never pay Your grotesque cabal of kings Got so many diamond rings
I’m talking world implosion I’m talking bout soil erosion I’m talk bout dirty oceans too
Love the planet (save her) Love the planet She’s the only one we got
Love the planet – don’t be a stranger Love the planet – cos shes in danger Love the planet – no need to change her ways Cos she’s the only one we got
***
World Leader 1 Your protest has been noted
World Leader 2 You may leave…
Druid We hope you heed our words of warning well
World Leader 3 Your advice has been registered
Exit druids / World Leaders burst into laughter
World Leader 3 Fucking hippies
World Leader 1 So, anyway where were we
World Leader 2 The Israelis – apparently they refuse to buy any more missiles
World Leader 3 We’ll see about that shall we
World Leader 2 Yes, I think a little war in the Middle East is long overdue
World Leader 1 After lunch gentlemen – listening to those beatniks has given me an appetite for some ethnic foods
World Leader 2 Grand idea
World Leader 3 How’s the new house coming along {insert name of world leader}
World Leader 1 Slowly – the natives are a terrible nuisance – they simply refuse to leave the island
World Leader 2 Have you tried an epidemic – there’s plenty of Coronavirus still in storage at my castle in Luxemburg
World Leader 3 I’d like a new island myself, with the oceans rising so much these days… there’s plenty of new ones available
***
SHANGRI-LA
World Leader 3 I’m gonna buy myself an island I’m gonna plant me my standard there I’m gonna claim it for my country As I build my country there
I’m gonna buy myself an island I’m gonna build me a palace there I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds Fountain rose milk everywhere
World Leaders 1 & 2 Following the Eastern Star Sailing to the shores of Shangri La You don’t have to travel far To find out the star you are
World Leader 3 I’m gonna buy myself an island I’m gonna build me my prison there I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up In mucky dungeon’s air
I’m gonna buy myself an island I’m gonna build me a harem there I’m gonan bed the local beauties Scatter rubies everywhere
World Leaders 1 & 2 Following the Eastern Star Sailing to the shores of Shangri La You don’t have to travel far To find out the star you are
World Leader 1 Oh, Islandwhana Boer Country Farmer We’ve got to count the spears & bake the tears in ancient customs
World Leader 2 Oh, Las Malvinas What comes between us, Lets go to Amritsar & masticate The old dominions
World Leader 3 Oh, Teotihuaucan On the way to Japan Conquistadors broke down the temple doors & call’d priests Indians
Unlucky Lucknow On the field of plassey We’ll slaughter fine young braves To save their souls from dark idolatry
World Leaders 1 & 2 I’m gonna buy myself an island I’m gonna build me a harbour there I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends This paradise to share
***
General They are proper evil bampots, them lot, like
Dante Indeed they are – it is time to explain why we are here.. the Rise of the Druids represents the spirit of your Brenda, pleading to common sense & humanity… while the World Leader are…
General Are me, I presume
Dante Essato, you really getting to grips with all this aren’t you
General I think I’m getting it now, yeah, I have been a massive prick to Brenda, but its just, I’m just so young & so good looking & so fuckin talented – I cannae help it if the birds are into me, & its just so difficult to say no, especially when your mojo is on fire
Dante Hmmm
General What!?
General You think you are so smart, so clever, so cool
General I don’t think so, I know so
Dante Well, it is time for your next lesson, definitively, I think you need to learn your place in the cosmos young man….
General Lets do it
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
SCENE 7: A Sri Lankan Beach
Enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
General Where are we
Dante This is the island of Ceylon
General Where
Dante Of course, they changed its name, didn’t they, what is it again, ah that’s right, we are on the beaches of Sri Lanka, Boxing Day 2004
General Why does that date ring a bell
Dante Look!
General At what
Dante Out to sea
General I cannae see anything
Dante Look again
General Nah, nothing… why’s the tide out so far?
Dante Look again
General Fuck – it’s a tidal wave, we’ve gotta get out of her
Dante You are perfectly safe with me, now watch, & listen
Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles
Remember the host of the ghostly battalion Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI
Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor & pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams
Remember the trail of those waves of destruction From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!
SCENE 8: The Streets of Leith, this time next year
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Brenda is waiting on a street corner – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum
Dante & General Time-Warp-In!
***
WAY OUT
Brenda I’m so tired of your nonsensical mind Show me the way out, show me the way out I can find
I’m so bored, I’m so bored of your bullshit brain Show me the way out, show me the way out of this drain
I’m so lost, I’m so lost in your foolish ways Show me the way out, show me the way out of this maze
I’m so caught, I’m so caught by your awful spell Show me the way out, show me the way out of this hell
Turn, turn that mad tap off of my life force You’ve had a good blast as yer took me to task Now I’m askin for a bit of relief Burn, burn that bridge that you thought we were buildin’ Cos my bridge can’t stand on on your selfish sands As you pull the rug from under me feet & the culling of my heart is complete
I’m so torn, because you tear my soul apart Show me the way in Show me the way into your heart
***
Enter Malik
Malik Wotcha Brenda
Brenda Oh, hi, Malik, thanks for coming out at such short notice
Malik So what can I do you for
Brenda I was looking for a… a… a gun
Malik A gun, well, I might be able to help you out with that, what kind of a gun are you looking for
Brenda Nothing fancy, just one that works.
Malik Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a nice little WW2 German number in my pocket… Waffen SS Luger, 1943, Eastern Front… for you, four hundred quid
Brenda I’ll take it {starts handing out the notes}
Malik & bullets, do you want any bullets
Brenda I’ll just need the one please
Malik Well, there’s three or four in the chamber already, just keep ’em – gimme a bell if you want anymore
Brenda I’ll keep that in mind, thanks
Malik Are you alright doll
Brenda Never been better – I’ll see you around Malik
Exit Malik
Brenda It’s been a beautiful journey, world, but… I just cannae cope anymore
Brenda shoots herself, but the gun goes click
Brenda Story of my life, nothing’s ever worked, maybe its a sign not to…
Brenda accidentally shoots herself in the head
General Noo…… Brenda !!!
The General dashes to Brenda & picks her up in his arms
***
WESTERN SUICIDE
Dante Old man pulls down the shutter She’s dead, down in the gutter, Her blood pours thro’ the sewers No fun, life in the cureless grey On a day like today
She’s just another western suicide I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died She got stuck down a lonely street The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
Her momma thought her so pretty She bought a ticket to the city She left her mansion in Cockenzie So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze In a Hollywood, movie
She’s just another western suicide I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died She got stuck down a lonely street The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
She work’d for twenty seven hours a day Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay Her life’s young dreams have all faded away On a day like today
General Why throw it away when ya cant turn back Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black
Dante & General She’s just another western suicide I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died She got stuck down a lonely street The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet
So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!
***
Larry What the fuck are you doing Dante?
Dante We are in the future, exactly one year from the day that Brenda caught you shmozzing with that floozy & the plastic monkeys… she could not cope with the break-up & so she sunk into a deep depression which has led to this sad, sad moment
Larry O my god, what have I done, Brenda, I’m so sorry, Dante how can I change it, how can we fix this?
Dante Look inside yourself Tristan, what is your soul saying, tell me boy, what are the words
***
SEMINAL LIVES
General We spend our chemical youth Lookin for love & seekin truth til We’ve had our fill of the feeling But now I’m towing the right line Findin the time to free my mind & findin’ life so appealin’ Cos when I heard
Dante Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb Dont seem to give a damn about anyone stop or you’re goin to blow
General Then I heard
Dante Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb You dont seem to give a damn about anyone Stop or you’re going to blow
General I bet you dont feel like I do x2 I bet you dont feel like I feel x2
I get this feelin when I get outta bed I’m gonna do the damn things That are runnin’ inside my head Running around in the life that I know I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow
We spend our seminal lives Lookin for ways to woo our wives When we’re ready to settle All our criminal past Hide it away in plaster cast Or wrap it in precious metal Cos when I heard
Dante Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb You dont seem to give a damn about anyone Stop or you’re going to blow
General Then I heard
Dante Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb You dont seem to give a damn about anyone Stop or you’re going to blow
General I bet you dont feel like I do x2 I bet you dont feel like I feel x2
I get this feelin when I get outta bed I’m gonna do the damn things That are runnin inside my head Running round & round in the life that I know I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow
***
Dante Well, well, well – I said it was an imposible task – but the boss upstairs insisted you had a shred of decency somewhere – I didn’t expect it at all, but, my boy, I think you have learned your lesson & earned yourself your reprieve… there shall be last timewarp to make….
General Cheers Dante, everything you said makes sense pal, y’know you might look like a complete tube but you’re alright underneath – if this is our last jump together, lets hold hands or something
Dante I am afraid I will not be escorting you on this timewarp – it will be our goodbye Tristan, so farewell & good luck
Dante Its been great {They shake hands} & one more thing…. Don’t fuck it up!
General I’m on it pal… timewarpin’
Scene 9: The General’s Flat, today
General Timewarpin’ – Woah, wait a minute – what, that’s well weird – I can’t remember taking any ketamine
The doorbell goes / the General answers it / Shannon is waiting at the door in a sexy outfit
Shannon Hello Sailor!
General Shannon… do come in come in
Shannon I am feeling so fucking horny {starts waving the psychedelic spunk monkey} I brought us something to play with
General Wooaahhh! Wait one mother fuckin’ minute –– I’m buzzin’ with de ja vu – we’ve been in this exact situation before
Shannon What are you on about
General Dante Alighieri
Shannon Who
General Dante Alighieri – the poet
Shannon I havnae a clue what ya rattling on about, but I don’t give a flying fack {getting rope from her bag} Now take off your clothes, I’m gonna tie you to that chair & do some very naughty things to ya
General Look Shannon, I’ve enjoy’d our hook-ups, really I have, but, but I can’t see you again, like, ever
Shannon & why not
General I’ve got a girlfriend – did I just say that – yeah I did, no, I do, I’ve got a girlfriend – & I fuckin’ love her n’all – you’ll have to leave
Shannon You never said you had a girlfriend
General You never asked – but you’ve gotta go, its over
Shannon Its over is it, alright, fuck you {Shannon waves her small wiener finger} I wasn’t missing much anyway
Exit Shannon
General {starting to tidy up} Jeesh – look at the state of this place
***
Enter Brenda
Brenda What are you doing
General Tidying the house honey… you’re home early
Brenda Work let me go, they said I was too tired, they’re bang on, y’know, I’m exhausted
General Why don’t you put your feet up, I’ll run you a bath, eh, then cook us up a nice tasty tea, how does that sound
Brenda Are you alright
General Yeah, never been better – listen babe, I’ve realised I’ve been a massive jerk – I promise things are gonna change round here– I’m gonna change
Brenda How are you gonna change
General Well dunno, day-by-day, intelligent increments & bold baby-steps – I’m even open for suggestions honey, you can mould me
***
NAVIGATOR
General Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings Show me the way to satisfy your tender love Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love
Ooh lets come together Lets have some fun together We could be good together We should be lovers I know
Brenda Yes I know
General Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had
General & Brenda Ooh lets come together Lets have some fun together We could be good together We should be lovers I know
Brenda Yes I know
Hold on to the things you love You might never get another chance to love someone Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad On the tip of your tongue My baby Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us In this wide world we living in Go strolling in the heather Go floating like a feather Over that stormy weather
Brenda Yes I know
General Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song
General Cos when we come together
Brenda Yes when we come together
General We gonna come together
Brenda Go strolling in the heather
General Go floating like a feather
Brenda Over that stormy weather
General I love u baby U know I do I’m hot for you
Brenda I love ya too boy What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new
General Don’t go to work girl Lets lie in bed & make love instead
Brenda Present past future Youre the truest love of mine
General & all we need is music Converstion & good wine
General & Brenda Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong & all the scenes we’ve seen was history Shatterd into pieces Speaking to this species As if odyssean song Cos weve been Timewarpin
Brenda I love you Tristan
General I love you too honey
Brenda So wheres this meal you gonna be cooking for me – im starving
General Fuck cooking baby, lets go out & grab a romantic meal – I’m paying
Brenda Sure
General You’re gonna have to lend me another forty quid tho
Fin.
OUTRO
And so its time for us to go I hope that you enjoy’d the show Come again, bring ya friends But not if they’ve got vertigo Because were getting higher The actors are sailin’ the ship We’re getting higher The drummers’ll funk up yer trip & all the music’s shootin straight from the hip So come on get a grip Of the song as it slips from your tongue As it leaps from your lips Like a lion on its prey All the gods & the ghosts Shall applaud us at our Laud us at our play
The Conchordia Folio 