Category Archives: Timewarpin’

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As a living poet I have always held a torch to tradition, using models like pillars on which to build my own poetical buildings. The Conchordia Folio is no different, for any self-respecting poet of substance, if turning to the dramatic arts, should really be focussing on the eminent dramatic poet of the language & his body of work.

But there is emulation & there is evolution, & for my own essay into theatre I have taken on board the love of my own zeitgeist for the Broadway/West End musical which has created, when blended with Shakespearean iambic pentameter, what I have call’d ‘Conchordia.’ In its purest essence it means ‘with chords,’ & all the songs I have provided for the conchords can be played on an acoustic guitar.

One must also praise the folk duo ‘The Flight Of The Conchords,’ who really raised the bar as to what an individual performer must be – part singer, part songwriter, part actor, part comedian, part dancer, etc… i.e. all the muses operating in a single bodily space.

The first 13 conchords of the CONCHORDIA FOLIO are;

LEITHOLOGY
Alibi
Tinky Disco
Gangstaland
Timewarpin’
No Nay Never

GODS OF THE RING
Fight Of The Century
Sunshine Showdown

LYRICAL HISTORIES
Flight of The White Eagles
Malmaison
Stars & Stripes
The Siege of Gozo
Charlie
Viriathus

Millhouse Green
22/04/21


The Conchordia Folio: An Interview with Damian Beeson Bullen (September 2019)

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Ever imagined what would have happen’d
If the Stone Roses had teamed up with Shakepseare? The Mumble caught up with the man behind it all…


Hello Damo. So you are here to talk about your new project, the Conchordia Folio – what’s it all about?
Hello Mumble. Well, in essence the folio is a collection of dramatic scripts, per se, rather like the Shakespearean folio. The only difference is I’m assembling it myself, whereas the Bard’s was collated by his pals a few years after his death. It should be ready in book & audio form by the Spring. There’ also an element of competition here – why not, you only get one life. As a poet I’ve written a better epic than Milton, but Shakespeare seems untouchable. But so were Liverpool FC before Fergie got the Man U job, & after declaring he wanted to ‘knock them off their fuc£king perch’ he went on to do so. I know I’m definitely a better bass-payer than Shakespeare, so I knew had to incorporate music into my scripts, play to my strengths kinda thing. Its worth a pop, right, to try & knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch!

So how exactly do you intend to ‘Knock Shakespeare off his feffin perch?’
I mean look, if a guy can run a marathon in less than two hours, another guy can outdo Shakespeare. Its the whole point of being human right, to better ourselves. Methodwise, its simple really. I’ve tried to outdo his sonnets already, creating a sequence of 154 which if you put against Shakespeare’s 154, I think I’ve got the edge. So it’ll be the same idea with the plays. I need to create a canonical 37 which when placed next to Shakepseare’s own 37, lets leave it to posterity to decide. My edge, I think, is going to be more penetrable language, shorter pieces & some proper banging tunes.

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Performing Alibi at Eden Festival, 2018

Thirty Seven plays – thats an awful lot to create in a single sitting – how long do you think will it take to achieve?
Well, I’ve written/been writing an epic poem, Axis & Allies, since 2001, so I can handle large projects no problemo. But I have set myself a time limit. With Shakespeare writing his last play, The Tempest, over the winter of 1610-1611, then he was 46 years old, approaching 47. For an even playing field, then, I need to be finishing my 37th play about the same time. I turn 47 in June 2024, so I’ve got just under four years to finish them all. Its totally doable, by the way, & watching that guy run a sub-two-hour marathon thro sheer hard work & dedication inspired me. I guess its a bit like if you got an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, or whatever it was, one of them would randomly recreate the works of William Shakespeare OR you get one very determined bard from Burnley on an emulation mission creating something rather like the complete works of William Shaksepeare.

So what exactly is Conchordia?
Well. Its essentially the artform I’m inventing. Stripped down to its most basic level the term can be interpreted as ‘with chords’ – the idea is that one can witness a piece of drama accompanied by a single acoustic guitar. That’s the core. Then, I realised that guitar could be played by a performer, which reminded me of the very funny Flight of the Conchords duo. They are like proper multi-taskers – acting, singing, dancing, playing guitars – that’s what I want ‘Conchordian’ to be able to do. Act, sing, dance & playing instruments when they’re not on stage – even if its just percussive. Also, since Concord the airplane is now defunct, the name is up for grabs these days & I like idea of people going for a ride in one of my conchords.

What traits & attributes sets Conchordia apart from the other arts?
Each of the Conchordia has different DNA – there’s some that are just rock opera with barely any dialogue, & some that are simply musicals with an acoustic guitar. My later creations, however, are definitely realising a vision of theatre I have been developing. As a poet I have a gift for blank verse – its the most artistic way of expressing human speech. Shakespeare used it, so it can’t be that bad right? It certainly feels like at this point in time I’m the leading exponent of dramatic blank verse on the planet. I mean I just love it – there is a dynamic flow in those unrhymed five-stress ten styllable lines that  seems like the dream of ordinary speach in a greater version of humainity – the idealised tongue. The English also have a genius for songwriting, while the Americans have mastered the musical. So if we blend all these together – Shakespearean blank verse, English songwriting, plus a wee splash of Broadway, you get Conchordia.

What other musical instruments are used in Conchordia, apart from the percussion?
Well, to be honest, there’s no limit. I’m going off the old edict that for a song to be a good song it needs to sound good sung on its own with only an acoustic guitar. But any producer of a conchord may use that basis to add an orchestra, or a rock & roll band, anything they like really. Each text also has a few ‘set’ pointers, which may also be interpreted as the company sees fit.

Have you performed any of your conchords yet?
I have actually – last year I put on a piece called Alibi at the Haddington Corn Exchange & also at the Eden Festival. It was fun – everyone enjoyed performing it & watching it. Doing Alibi made me realise I was onto something & began to look at my past pieces.

Your past pieces, what do you mean?
Alibi was the first slice of musical theatre I ever did – in 2007 & 2008. I was wintering in Sicily & got an acoustic guitar for Christmas, 2006. I then started looking at my old songs, connecting the common threads & adding a story. Bingo, my first conchord! I performed a it a few times in Edinburgh, Sheffield & Leeds. Next was a piece called Charlie, about the Jacobite rebellion, which I made into a film. About that period, & ever since, I’ve created a few others, but all in sketch form, in various states of completion. The Conchordio Folio is the moment I get them all nailed – a line in the sand, so to speak.

What Conchords are to be included in the Folio?
Like I said before, 37. The first five come together in a quintology  called Leithology. There’s Alibi, Gangstaland, one I haven’t given a title to, a time-travelling one called Timewarpin’ & Tinky Disco. The idea is that they all interlink through characters, who each get a main musical to strut their stuff in. Like the X-Men franchise. Tinky Disco is based loosely upon The Tinky Disco Show, & will see the return of DJ Brooklyn – like a 21st century Falstaff. There are quite a number of histories – Charlie, Finnesburgh – based on a story in Beowulf – Malmaison, which tells the story of Napoleon on his return to Paris after Waterloo, one about Princess Diana, & Gods of The Ring, about the Foreman, Ali, Frazier fights in the 70s. There’s also a trilogy called The Rock & Roll Wars, its essentially a battle of the bands on a cosmic level. There’s Exes & Axes, a 19th century tale of romantic betrayal set in 19th century France – it doesn’t quite fit with any of the others, but its really funny.


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Composing Conchordia: Provence (February 2020)

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At the teddy bear shrine of Elizabeth Drummond

Just as Shakespeare toured Italy as a prelude to the writing of his Italian plays, when deciding to compose a conchord on Gaston Dominici, I thought a story-hunting trip to Provence in order to commune with the ghosts of that most famous of 20th century crimes would surely help my craft. The crime in question is the 1952 roadside murder of nutritionist Sir Jack Drummond, his wife & their 10 year old daughter. They had camped for the night near a farmhouse owned by Gaston Dominici, a 75 year old patriarch in whose barn was kept the WW2 carbine which shot Sir Jack & his wife, & then clubbed to death little Elizabeth. A shocking case which brought the world to the Durance Valley & also sucked to the surface old family quarrels & familiar local feuds which in the end saw Gaston sentenced to death. In the clear light of seven decades it seems likely that the perpetrator was Gaston’s grandson, 16 years old & probably drunk at the time, Roger Perrin.

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Last Thursday myself, Spud, Victor Pope & ex-Tinky Disco bandmate Al Roberts all made our bleary-eyed ways to Edinburgh airport for a 9.45 AM flight. Me & Spud always get wound up by Al leaving his house in a slow-shabby fashion, so opted to get to the airport ourselves – I took a tram & he the shuttle bus. Vic & Al shared an Uber without any mess-ups, which surprised us & proved a good omen to our week together on the road. As we stepped onto the tarmac to board our plane, the Scottish chill was fully raging & I was very much looking forward to a respite from the seemingly endless Caledonian winter.

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Gyptis choosing Euxene

A handful of hours later we were in Marseille & checking into our Air B&B right beside the Old Harbour, or Vieux Port. This was the spot where in 600 BC a guy called Euxene arrives from Phocae (an ancient part of Turkey) just in time for the local king’s daughter’s ‘choosing ceremony.’ In short, among a group of gathered suitors, Euxene was the one given a goblet of wine by princess Gyptis, who would later change her name to Aristoxenus. Euxene & Aristoxenus, now that’s already got the hallmarks of a conchord, I thought to myself, in the same way I thought that Gaston Dominici has a Motzartean ring about it. Looking at the Gyptis story at that point, tho, it unfortunately seemed a bit weak to make a conchord out of…

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Marseille with the lads was fun. Kicking back with a smart TV & cheap beer in the hypermodern flat or on the balcony overlooking the harbour, with the pointed cathedral rising on the central Marseille hill beyond. On the smart TV, we watched Netflix, played all our music videos, while Al could send to it our recent recordings – an album called the New Truth. I couldn’t help but notice the technological advancement of the species – the last time I was in Provence was 20 years ago & for fun me & my pal, Bryn, ended up making a chess board out of paper & stones. Here’s an extract from my journal of that time.


May 10th, 2000

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We woke up proper spangled, but a quick dip in the exquisitely cool pool proved enough of a respite from our frail noggins & we were able to pack & head out to Cannes. It was the first day of the festival & full of noisy Yanks, so we soon got out of dodge, striking inland on a bus to Grasse, a lovely town stacked high against the hillside. We had a couple of hours to kill so wandered around a bit & to our delight found it very swell, with lovely narrow streets & great prospects of the Cotes d’Azore in the distance.

After sending off our postcards we hopped on a bus north along La Route Napoleon. The view was spectacular as we climbed & wound thro’ the mountains, each one clad in trees giving a baize effect, & I could imagine Napoleon & his column following the same road. A rapid mist descended, however, followed soon after by heavy rain which showed no intention of letting up as we were unceremoniously dumped in the wee hamlet of Seranon. We dived into the only bar around for shelter & refreshment, obtaining a few funny looks off the funny looking locals.

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In the days before group emails & blogs

Eventually we found out the bus north didn’t leave til the morning, so we were stuck. We didn’t fancy putting the tent up in the rain so opted for a hotel. A friendly couple drove us a half mile down the road to their mate’s hotel, which was closed. Luckily the mustached madame opened it up for us (a whole hotel to ourselves), but we were forced to share a double bed (with pants on obviously). As soon as we paid our 15 francs the sun came out & we heaved a table up to the roof, bought wine, cheese, bread & sausage & had a most pleasant supper among the mountains. It was cool, me musing & Bryn sketchin’ & it felt nice to be doing spot of real travelling, the only sound being the constant chuckle of crickets. Bryn very correctly brought up the point we were stuck in a one horse dive & had less than two days to get to Venice, but I re-assured him all would be reyt. We made a chess-board out of paper & stones & played to the setting of the sun, before all the wine & well-thought-out moves took their toll & sent us both a-slumbering.


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At a monument to Rimbaud, Marseille seafront

Fastforward to 2020, on our first full day in France – Brexit day as it so happened – we enjoyed a daytime riviera stroll, followed by a wicked night out at bohemian La Plaine – a very funky part of Marseille. Drinking & dancing & downing tequilas, we met an English busker called Charlie, & his Slovakian girlfriend. The gods had answered our pleas, & he actually had 3 guitars. ‘Don’t worry, we won’t steal them – it’ll be too expensive to check them into our flights back,’ put him off from coming round for a jam, but he agreed to meet us the next day for a wee busk.

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It was more than a joy the following afternoon to find ourselves all jamming together by Marseille harbour to the infinite delight of the locals. Our immediate audience consisting of an annoying kid who kept banging the guitars, a Czech street lassie & a Parisenne rock-chick who finds Marseille a cheaper place to live. Before then, I’d taken a solo morning mission up to Allauch, a hilltop village right on the edge of the Marseille conurbation. It was at the old castle, even higher still, that I filmed the following Pendragon Poetry post, talking all about Conchordia.

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Allauch
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I was up in the hills as I’d read that a possible Gyptis object had been found in a hillside cave nearby. The curator of the slick local museum begged to differ, but I said I’m a poet & I didn’t want the truth to get in the way of a good story. Yes, a conchord was being born & on the way back to the appartment I googled a few Greek myths & found one, which I felt I could use – Alcyone and Ceyx. Basically, they offended the gods by calling themselves Hera & Zeus, & ended up being drowned & then turned into birds. A little creative furnace-burning later & I’d transmorped the myth into Euxene & Aristoxenus being turned into the the islands of Pomègues and Ratonneau which lie off the mouth of Marseille harbour. Like the Phaecean ship which carried Odysseus to Ithica being turned to stone.

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Alcyone & Ceyx
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Pomègues and Ratonneau

Compositionwise I only managed a few speeches from VIRIATHUS in Marseille – the second Senate scene – in the early morning before the boys woke up, mainly at a cafe by the harbour. I usually compose on my morning East Lothian walks with Daisy, accompanied otherwise only by nature and the essential headspace needed to really zone out. Not so easy in a busy city as ever. There was no way I was going to achieve my goal of finishing Viriathus on this trip & then starting ‘The Flight of the White Eagles, ‘ – my conchord about the retreat from Moscow – the notes for which I worked intensively on before I set off. Still, they are all in the bank & Viriathus should be finished within days. I’ll be recreating the antics & dashing chit-chat of Seargant Bourgogne soon enough!

Capture

We left Marseille the next day, the sunshine heating up, arriving by train at the Durance valley & the station which serves La Brilliane & Oraison. The River Durance patches its way between them on a hugely wide stony river bed, with hills framing the scene on either side, & the snow-capped Alps closing the vista far to the north at Digne. Public transport round these parts is pretty neglible, & with it being Sunday afternoon no shops were open. Of that first of the two matters, we soon hit paydirt. After walking over the bridge to Oraison, beyond the frustratingly closed intermarche, we came to a carpark where I asked a lovely fella could he take us to Dabisse, & he agreed gladly.

IMG_20200202_180849.jpgDabisse is a wee village with a bar & a bus stop kinda thing. The bar was well busy, tho, its car park full of temporary pebbledash for a meeting of the region’s petanque teams. It was a really serendiptous, masonic, monastic moment listening to the clink-clinks & murmours of the play. Getting a carry-out together we went back to our villa & gorged on the food previous Air B&B-ers had left behind – a severe stroke of luck for a hungry bunch on a Sunday.


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Ah, the good old days! Roll on a nigh decade & I found myself composing Viriathus, drinking wine by the pool of a plush villa in Provence. We had a look at the pool, but soon covered it up again – early February means a bit of algae & no need for pool-use, I guess.

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The fridge was now full. We’d hitched a lift to Oraison in the morning off the lovely John Christmas (real name Jean-Noel), stocked up at the supermarket, then caught a taxi back to Dabisse for the day. And what a day, far from the Scottish chill and ended by a walk with Al for a sunset view over the Durance valley.

Some of those 21 degree sun-soaked, Senate-based Viriathus lines composed by the pool read like this ;

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Galba
Senators of our majestic city
& many other regions in its stride,
This treaty is, in the highest degree,
Dishonorable to all we stand for,
Staining Servilianus’ career,
Viriathus is a craved barbaric,
Beheading, disembowelling at will,
A bandit on an unsubsistive soil –
To him a border is a line to cross
To empty beaten innocents of blood
& topple pillars, pillaging obscene.

Lupius
Obscene? Objection! You paint him monster,
Humanity, his high ascendency,
Distributes unifying spiritus
That never in the passage of this war,
In armies of tribal variety,
Was ever spill’d sedition, all obey’d,
All fearless in the presence of danger –
As statesman he was neither humble-knee’d
Nor overbearing in leagues & treaties,
Faithful, exact, aequis, veritable,
Vir Duxque Magnus, ancient ideals
Penetrated atoms of existence,
& as the adsertur of Hispania
Let us assert our honour to his will
Make good his claims to the fame of the world,
Too many lost already in that place
We owe him our respect

Galba
We owe him death
The retributive slew for youth hard lost.

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So to yesterday – the ultimate object of this mission & a trip to La Grand Terre, the farmhouse of the Dominicis. It began in fine fashion with me & Spud arguing about how to get to Lurs – it was a case of his gammy leg versus my abundant energy & in the end the lads got a taxi & I walked the muddy Durance-side fields down to the bridge & back up the other side. I got to Lurs scrambling up its rocky slopes & arrived at its medieval core to see the lads waiting at the entrance. Once reunited we hit the old goat tracks down to the road, & using a little satnav orienteering came out at the very spot where the Drummonds were murdered. The poignant teddy bear shrine is testament to the locals’ indignation at the death of a child.

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Looking back from Lurs Terrace on the way I had walked – Dabisse is the village middle left & I walked by the Durance to the right of the photo
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Oraison is the town in the middle distance – I crossed the bridge there & walked to this point
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Approaching La Grand Terre

After La Grand Terre, I’d got it in my head that we could ford the Durance – Dabisse was more or less facing us on the other bank. The lads humoured me & watched me make tentative efforts on a scouting mission in the shallower bits – but the plan was soon aborted & we caught a taxi back. That night I ruminated in a Pendragon fashion on the Drummond murders & got a pretty plausible idea of what went on that night – which I’ll use in my composition.

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The next day we chilled in the sun til 2PM, caught a taxi to the station, then a train to Saint Antione, conducted a wee walk to our Air B&B off La Pennes Mirabeau, then caught the Rangers-Hibs game over beers. At 6AM we hired a lift off our landlord to the airport & we were finally in Edinburgh by 9.30 AM. On the flight I pretty much worked out the structure of the Dominic conchord – 4 acts with a cliffhanger ending each one – & began sketching it out on the inside cover of an Agatha Christie book I was reading on the holiday- A Pocketful of Rye. Just like Agatha I was going backwards from the ending, & there’s a chance I could have a wee Mousetrap on my hands if I get mi ‘ead down. With bangin’ tunes & Shakespearean blank verse, of course!

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Composing Conchordia: Vaulting The Lockdown (May 2020)

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After the completion of the Leithology quintology – which will soon be on sale on all platforms – & the composition of Viriathus & Malmaison, I felt THE FLIGHT OF THE WHITE EAGLES was going to be a real statement-maker. If I really do wanna emulate Shakespeare, I need definitive works with meaty bodies – a bit like Hamlet innit – & so turned to Napoleon’s infamous retreat from Moscow as the first of my major conchords. There’s a hell of a lot of drama obviously, & when it comes to stagecraft the visual deterioration of the soldiers will be a wonderful story to tell.

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With five acts of seven or so scenes each, all bubbling with blank verse & containing both original songs & songs drawn from the period itself, WHITE EAGLES definitely marks a placement of my muse on a Parnassian plateaux of sorts. No looking back now – ten down, 27 to go!

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LEITHOLOGY – Available in book form soon

I began researching WHITE EAGLES last year after reading the fabulous ‘Memoirs of Sergeant Bourgogne.’ From this first catalyst – I was very verteux at the time – I began to research other memoirs up in the National Library of Scotland, such as those of Caulaincourt, & set to work on the composition period not long after my return from Provence sometime in mid-February. Then the Lock Down happened. I don’t need to rattle on about it, everyone’s experiencing it. I’m lucky tho’ – I walk dogs with my girlfriend which meant I could to & fro between my places in Edinburgh & East Lothian for ‘work that cannot be done from home‘ – the dog numbers had drastically plumetted, but there was enough to make it valid & of course meant I could compose pretty much anyway I liked – from the Lammermuirs to Leith Links. Here’s a Walking East Lothian post I created during the Lock Down.

Musically, WHITE EAGLES has been something of an educational dream, help’d along by my house-mate’s keyboard playing. By February I had a couple of tunes, but then began to write more & add local colour so to speak, translating from the French lyric into the English. Of my new songs THE BALLAD OF BORODINO is really beautiful I think, & THE GREAT NAPOLEON really fun – the Herod moment – my house mate incorporating the Tetrislike theme tune into via some techno rave from the 90s via Hicksy & Sharky. He also fell in love with Plaisir D’Amour & Compere Guillere.

The full list of songs is below, with astersks denoting my own compositions)

The Sable Raven – English version
Marlbrough is Going To war – English version
Plasir D’amour
Parisienne Skies (*)
On Va Leur Percer Le Franc
The Blood of Borodino (*)
Pomme de Terres (*)
Compere Guillere – French Version
Song of the Loricated Legion (*)
My Handsome Husband (*)
Soarin’ Home (*)
Chant du Depart
Crossing the Bridge (*)
The Great Napoleon (*)
Compere Guillere – English version (*)
Au Clair de la Lune
Le Depart Du Bologne
The March from Moscow (*)

Theatrically, there are a lot of parts – three main bodies of 8-10 characters; Napoleon & his entourage, Bourgogne’s company & the Russian partisans. There’s also another 20 or so walk-in parts, plus the crossing of the Berezhina bridge to depict – but whenever WHITE EAGLES does get performed everyone’s gonna JUST love it!

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Artistically, WHITE EAGLES is the bag daddy to Malmaison, but together they form a very good account of Napoleon’s life. Like I said at the start, it also represents the foot-scrambling heave onto the plateaux from where the rest of my conchords will be composed.

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The first of this new bunch is GODS OF THE RING & I’m extremely excited about it. The principle subject is the four fights between Ali, Foreman & Frazier, & all the dramas before, during, after & between the fights. The names of these epic combats have gone down in history – THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY, THE SUNSHINE SHOWDOWN, THE RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE & THE THRILLA IN MANILLA. Like White Eagles I’ve already got two tunes in the bank, a theme tune & the sublime, best song I’ve written in ages, BLACK POWER. I’ve been compiling the notes in the past few days, the bulk of which were studied for in the National Library just before the Lockdown.  I’m gonna print out the first notes today & get composing soon after.

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With White Eagles taking just over three months, & June the 1st on the horizon, I’ve got a feeling that every new conchord is gonna take a season – so Gods of the Ring is the conchord of the summer of 2020 – the weird summer, the one where the theatres were closed. For me, I think I’ll be spending some of it hopefully in Greece, where the next of these windows into my workings will be composed.


Songs From TIMEWARPIN’


INTRO

BIG FAT DREAMER

MODERN MAN

TIMEWARPIN’

BURN THE WITCHES

DOWN ON THE BEACH

THE ALAMO

LOVE THE PLANET

SHANGRI-LA

TSU-NA-MI

WESTERN SUICIDE

SEMINAL LIVES

NAVIGATOR

OUTRO


INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round, into the sound
But not if you’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin’ straight from the hip
So come on (get a grip)
Of the song (as it slips) from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our, laud us at our play


BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….


MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve been wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin’ man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in our flat doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin’ seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off goin’ back on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4


TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


BURN THE WITCHES

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
Were draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making bad potions
& sellin’ em all around town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why give me the tag of a satanic hag
I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one
You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame
But I know im a holy woman

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& spendin it all round the town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile
All I’ve been is something different
I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds
What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent

Peasants
Drown
We’re lettin’ the hagwoman drown
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin’ it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
What we gonna do with her people

Peasants
BURN HER!!!!

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
They are just a bunch of bitches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches


DOWN ON THE BEACH

As the drums are speeding
Johnny bums the weed in
& a mums breast feedin’
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the vibes enhancing
Dave the Rave’s gone trancin
Sally belly dancing
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress

As the seagulls swoopin
Larry loop the loopin
Uma hula hoopin
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Brotherman’s gone mental
Davey transcendental
It’s a party central
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

Jenny’s gone all jiggy
Johnnys such a hippy
Touch ya soul & dig it
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the sunlights creepin
All the birds are leapin
John the bongs gone sleepy
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

The summer of love is coming
I can hear the tribal drumming
I can see the rainbow changin
All the colours are rearranging
Love is the answer

Tho’ Jonny looks like he’s nappin
His foot start tappin
It feels like he’s still a dreaming
To this song
& when he stands up clappin
It makes us happy
It feels like we were the dreamers all along

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the sun risin’
Over the summer sea
& when the suns comin
Up to the fun drummin
This timeless fantasy
Has never felt so free

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the ships roll in
Across the summer sea
& when the boats come in
Up to the fun drummin
All of our friends can be
Part of the family

***

Dante
Now we’ve been Timewarpin’
Thro’ all the tides of time
I hope some sense sinks in
Enough to guide your mind

Present Past & future
Will forever keep alive
Til we find the answers, do ya
Sense them,

General
O yes I can

Dante
Give me your hand my man

General
Dante I plan to survive


THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett
Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai
This is mine, this aint yours,
Theres one thing u should know
I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican
Ya gonna die in the Alamo

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a bowie knife
I’d lay down my life
For the holy rodeo

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me
Cos im getting off on the odds
I got a gun for you I got a gun for two
I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the hounds & dogs

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

Well I’m fighting for the Alamo
Maybe its my time to go
The bloodlust fills my appetite
& fortifies my will to fight

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the wild frontier

Im gonna try in the Alamo
Im gonna try for the Alamo
Im gonna die in the Alamo
Im gonna die for the Alamo

Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans

Lying down in my gory guts
I’m gonna die here on my bed
But all around my last battleground
the enemys blood was shed

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
remember me when I’m dead


LOVE THE PLANET

Drowning islands, blood red diamonds
Assassin silence, it’s all the same
Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon
Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Many people fear we must dissapear
(Melt away) Like a candle
Look inside your soul, we could lose it all
(People say) it’s a scandal

Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang
We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth
God got no halo, she lyin’ down below
Mother Gaia know the simple truth

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

When you look at me tell me what you see
(Am I real) am I worthless
Look upon the earth calculate its worth
(Can you feel) it is priceless
To ye high & almighty masters of economy
Thinking that ecology could never pay
Your grotesque cabal of kings
Got so many diamond rings

I’m talking world implosion
I’m talking bout soil erosion
I’m talk bout dirty oceans too

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Love the planet – don’t be a stranger
Love the planet – cos she’s in danger
Love the planet – no need to change her ways
Cos she’s the only one we got


SHANGRI-LA

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna plant me my standard there
I’m gonna claim it for my country
As I build my country there

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a palace there
I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds
Fountain rose milk everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me my prison there
I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up
In mucky dungeon’s air

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harem there
I’m gonna bed the local beauties
Scatter rubies everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 1
Oh, Islandwhana
Boer Country Farmer
We’ve got to count the spears
& bake the tears in ancient customs

World Leader 2
Oh, Las Malvinas
What comes between us,
Lets go to Amritsar & masticate
The old dominions

World Leader 3
Oh, Teotihuaucan
On the way to Japan
Conquistadors broke down the temple doors
& call’d priests Indians

Unlucky Lucknow
On the field of plassey
We’ll slaughter fine young braves
To save their souls from dark idolatry

World Leaders 1 & 2
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harbour there
I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends
This paradise to share


TSU-NA-MI

Dante
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water
That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles
She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota
A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles

Remember the host of the ghostly battalion
Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea
Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka
The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams
As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor
& pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams

Remember the trail of those waves of destruction
From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea
Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!


WESTERN SUICIDE

Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today

General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black

Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!


SEMINAL LIVES

General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow

We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow


NAVIGATOR

General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love

Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had

General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song

General
Cos when we come together

Brenda
Yes when we come together

General
We gonna come together

Brenda
Go strolling in the heather

General
Go floating like a feather

Brenda
Over that stormy weather

General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you

Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new

General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead

Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine

General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine

General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatter’d into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin


OUTRO

And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if they’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play

TIMEWARPIN’: Intro-Scene 1a



INTRO

& so its time to say hello
I hope that you’ll enjoy the show
Gather round, into the sound
But not if you’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin’ straight from the hip
So come on (get a grip)
Of the song (as it slips) from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our, laud us at our play


SCENE 1: The General’s Flat

The General is at home playing his X-Box Live (italics for when he’s shouting at the screen) / Enter Brenda

Brenda
Alright babe… I said alright babe

General
Are you taking the piss, are you actually taking the piss
Hey honey – how was work

Brenda
As lousy as ever, I’m absolutely knackered, I can’t believe I’ve got to go out again in an hour – I really don’t know how long I can keep this up for Tristan

General
I’ve made you your tea by the way

Brenda
O darlin’, – what is it, im starving

General
There’s a pot noodle & a wagon wheel on the side

Brenda
A pot noodle!?

General
It’s a Bombay Badboy – its yer favorite

Brenda
Oh, thanks

General
You couldnt make us a cup of tea while the kettles on, could ya
They’re down there, behind that building, can’t you see them ya muppet

Brenda begins to make the tea / pot noodle

Brenda
Have you had any luck today

General
Nah, still cant get past level six

Brenda
Not on ya stupid wank-box, I meant about getting a job

General
But babe – its Saturday

Brenda
I know its a fucking Saturday – its my double shift day – I’ve just done a morning down Lidl – now I’ve got five minutes to get changed & get down the chippy for seven hours – it was easier being a busker – you haven’t even washed up, you said you’d do it

General
Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tonight — O baby

Brenda
Yeah

General
You couldnt lend us forty quid could ya

Brenda
Forty quid! How ya gonna pay me back

General
Its allowance day, Monday

Brenda
Oh, that’s right, mummy’s happy hand-out – so what do you want it for, anyway

General
There’s a tournament on tonight down Diane’s Pool Hall

Brenda
It’s been 3 months since you won any money at pool

General
Exactly, my looks bound to change sooner or later right
Get in there, yes, come on, quality control!

Brenda
So let me get this straight, I’m going out all hours earning money which you feel entitl’d to blow on beer & pool

General
Its an investment babe – mate
What are you doing, keep up, fer fucks sake
Do you not love me anymore, babe

Brenda
Less & less each day

***

BIG FAT DREAMER

While singing Brenda makes pot noodle, gets changed, makes Larry his tea, puts forty quid on the table

Ya just a big fat dreamer sat on ya ass all day
Stuck on ya couch that is where ya gonna stay
Ya just a big fat dreamer wastin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies
Don’t let life pass ya by
Just get on top & say goodbye
To your nice settee

Ya just a big time dreamer addicted to Home & Away
Smoking big fat reefers chained to a rolling tray
Ya just a big time dreamer dreamin ya life away

Stand up stand up be counted
Get ya fat ass off the couch its allowed yeah
Try tai-chi take in a movie
Not on yer settee but down at the movies…

Where you can take yer girl & maybe get a little action
Don’t let life pass ya by Just get on top & sacrifice
Ya really nice settee I know its nice & comfy
But turn off MTV & see how things could be
Why don’t ya take a stroll in the early morning
Sail a boat to a Spanish island
Join a book club, cook some good grub
Change ya ways & range ya style
Cos ya the best boy I’ve ever fell for
Now ya more of a bedtime stranger
This whole life that weve dreamt & planned for
Is now cursed with a certain danger
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away
Big time dreamer
Ya dreamin ya life away….

***

General
What was all that about – is it evil week or summat?

Brenda
Prick!!

Brenda storms out

***

MODERN MAN

General
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Well I’ve bin cruising with the cool crew to the music in our minds
We’ve been wastin all our money on a marathon of lines
We’ve been foolin with the floozies & the ladies of the night
& we all get fuckin wasted cos it makes us feel alright

Who’d wanna be a workin’ man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed-up money maker
Talkin seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off spendin life on the dole

Who are ya foolin’
Who are ya foolin’

Enter Shannon who strips The General & ties him to a chair

It was a bad day for a hangover it was a Satday afternoon
Well my mistress came on over & she was synched up to the moon
{enter Brenda}
& then my girlfriend finished work early quite unexpectedly
& she found my mistress in our flat doing fucked up things to me

Who’d wanna be a modern man in the city
With mother fuckers suckin’ on ya soul
It’s time to decide am I a pissed up money maker
Talkin’ seven shades of shit on the phone my lord
I’d be better off goin’ back on the dole
I’d be better off playing rock & roll

Who are ya foolin x 4


(TW) Scenes 1b – 2



Scene 1b: The General’s flat

The General is tied half-naked to a chair / Shannon hovers over him / Brenda is not happy

Brenda
Is this for fuckin real

General
It’s not what it looks like darlin

Shannon
It’s exactly what it looks like, actually, & it was all going great til you turned up

Brenda
Who the fuck are you

Shannon
Who are you?

Brenda
I… am his girlfriend, ya little slut – get out of my house now

Shannon
It’s not your house tho’ is it… its Tristan’s… who, by the way, never said he had girlfriend

General
You never asked

Shannon
No worries – I don’t mind at all, I’m polyamorous…
{putting on her coat}
It’s been fun… PM me

Exit Shannon / Brenda goes to throw one of her sex toys at her

Brenda
& dont forget your…. what the fuck is that

General
It’s a psychedelic spunk monkey

Brenda
It’s a what?

General
Look, it doesn’t matter what it is babe. I’m sorry

Brenda
Sorry, sorry! – I do hope that’s the understatement of the century

General
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it is, I’m proper, proper sorry – I’m absolutely devastated

Brenda
What, devastated you got caught or devasted you didn’t get to finish your sordid little gimp session

General
You… me… us… I mean, I dont know… things just haven’t been right in a while now, have they?

Brenda
Maybe they haven’t… but most couples talk about their problems… not go off fuckin other people… you’ve totally minced my head… you’ve broken us

General
Nah baby doll – nothings unfixable… a bit of spiritual super glue & we’ll be alright, we’re just having a bit of a blip… all relationships have em, right, its natural… now if you’ll be a wee sweetheart & untie me, we can sort everything out

Brenda
Look, nobhead, you’ve made your bed, now sit in it

Exit Brenda

General
Brenda, come back, where ya going, ya cant just leave me here like this, BBRENNNDDDAAA… ah, bollox

Dante.jpg

The General tries to get his phone but it is too far away – enter Dante Alighieri clapping hands

Dante
Bra–vo – complimenti!

General
Who the fuck are you – & what the hell are ya wearing

Dante
My name is Dante, Dante Alighieri, I have been sent from Heaven

General
Yo freakoid! Get the fuck out of my house before I call the Fuzz

Dante
Could you tell me, please, just how are you going to do that

General
Look mate – if you’re gonna rob me, fine, but please dont take my X-box, I’m about to get to level seven – mi bird’s laptop is over there, take that instead, its worth loads

Dante
I am not here to rob you, I’m here to help you

General
You’re here to what

Dante
Help you

General
Well, you could make a start by untying me

Dante
Una momento… first, I would like to tell you about my mission

General
Your mission? What mission?

Dante
My boy, since yesterday evening, do you realise you have comitted all seven of the seven deadly sins

General
Did I?

Dante
Si… the pride you show for your, lets admit it, shitty pool-playing

General
Oi! what ya on about

Dante
Your sloth-like refusal to look for a job, your lust for another woman, your gluttony for drugs & alcohol, your greed for Brenda’s money…

General
You’d better watch what you’re fuckin’ saying mate

Dante
Your anger…

General
So what if I did, whats it got to do with you anyway

Dante
Well – I’m just the middle man in the operation – God is a very busy deity you know, & simply does not have the time to attend to all of the sinners in the world – but every now & again there comes a special case where the Supreme Being likes to get a little more… involved

General
What, there’s actually a God

Dante
Of course there is

General
Wh-wh-what’s he like

Dante
The Omiscient One has no gender – but possesses infinite wisdom & has sent me to give you guidance

General
Guidance, whaddayamean

Dante
{untieing the General}
I’m here to save your soul, boy

General
Right, listen here pal, I don’t know what cuckoo-cloud you just fell off, but you’d better get out my house NOW before I throw you out

Dante
{grabbing hold of the General}
Delighted dear boy

General
Whatcha doin!? get off me…

Dante & the General enter the space-time continuum

They are transported to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
What the … how the f… where the hell are we

Dante
We are on top of Mount Kilimanjaro

General
Kilimanjaro – in Africa – wooah – it is as well – I came here on a family safari as a kid! What the fuck just happen’d

Dante
Lets say that the allmighty has invested certain powers in me

General
O man – I knew I shouldnt have had any of Shannon’s ketamine

Dante
Tristan, my boy, this is real – I have the ability to transfer your body & your spirit across time

General
You can – where’s your machine then

Dante
I do not need machine, boy, we will be travelling on the metaphysical planes, my boy, just hold on to me tightly & we’ll arrive at our next destination

General
Wow – this is mental – this is really fuckin’ mental

Dante
It is a little out of the ordinary isn’t it, I must say I was quite amazed the first time it happened to me

General
O, Brenda, you got it so wrong girl, so, so wrong… my life’s going nowhere, she said, I’m never gonna get anywhere, she said, well how about crossing the space-time continuum honey….


SCENE 2: The Space-Time Continuum

Dante & The General are travelling thro’ time

TIMEWARPIN

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
We’re gonna soar thro’ the annals of time
We’ll get some good stuff in
When we’ll be watching centurions
Crossing those rubicons
Drinking that true Trojan wine

General
We’re goin Timewarpin
& I might never be coming back home
We’ll get some good lovin
Down in Julius Ceasar’s
Or his son Augustus
Or crazy Caligula’s rome

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin’ thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of this divine & sentimental feelin

Dante
Were going tightropin’
On a ribbony rope tho’ the air
We’ll get some good dope in
In those palaces of all the
Glorious & gaudy
Parises of Baudelair

General
Were goin Timewarpin’
& I’m leavin somebody behind
She might be good lookin’
But shes getting me thinkin’
Her company’s bringin’
Those monkeys that swing in my mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ll see is history

Dante
Shatter’d into pieces
Speaking to this species
As if Oddysean song

Tristan
Some sentimental feelin’

Dante
Time, time, Time x2
Is always goin in circles
Time, time Time x2

General
But nobody knows this for certain

Dante
We’re goin Timewarpin
Thro the chronicles of human kind
& from the mess you’re in
We shall dig out the man in your mind

Dante & the General
Present past & futures
Comin thro us down the line
& all that we can glean are distant
Dreams of the divine

Dante
Y’gotta rise your soul into a
Higher calling
Like a flyer fallin
We’ll be fireballin’

Dante
Once the day is done
Ya get one life no other one
Should never have to cast aside
Those dreams we had when we felt so alive

Hey boy hold on tight
Were like a symbiotic satellite
Goin up high with the pegasi
Beyond the ken of all your sciences

General
Alright I’m squeezing tight
But I’ve never been the bad type in my life
But if ya think that I need to try
A little harder then friend lets do this

Dante
We’re born, & then we die
Across the short chiasmic gulf of life
One should learn to quantify
Our celebrations & alliances

Hold on we wont be long
We gotta do that timewarp to the song
So we can work out whats right & wrong
Thro’ all our exits & our entrances

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


(TW) Scenes 3-5



SCENE 3: ENGLAND (1643)

Mary Sutton, the swimming of a witch in 1608, Her cartwheel was broken: it was believed that if this was done a witch couldn’t curse you

An English village – Lucy Periwinkle is tied to a stake inserted in a pile of firewood – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we? When are we?

Dante
This is England, sixteen hundred & forty three – the height of the Civil War – you are about to witness the execution of a young woman call’d Lucy Periwinkle

General
What did she do

Dante
Nothing at all

General
Why’s she gonna die

Dante
Alas, Miss Periwinkleis an unfortunate victim of the ignorant & mindless perescution innate in every human being – on this occasion it is being channel’d thro’ the evil spirit that was Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General – ah… speak of the Devil

Enter Matthew Hopkins & some surly looking peasants

***

BURN THE WITCHES

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
Were draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making bad potions
& sellin’ em all around town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why give me the tag of a satanic hag
I’ve done nothing to you, I’ve done nothing to no one
You can blacken my name, you can cut me with shame
But I know im a holy woman

Peasants
Down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

General
Chuck ’em in the duck pond see if they float

Matthew Hopkins
If they don’t drown they’re goin down
We’re draggin the hagwoman down
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& spendin it all round the town

Lucy Periwinkle
Why put me on trial, I’ve never been vile
All I’ve been is something different
I heal with with my herbs, I shpiel with the birds
What’s wrong with the world, I’m innocent

Peasants
Drown
We’re lettin’ the hagwoman drown
I bet she’s been making a fortune
& keepin’ it all from the crown

Matthew Hopkins
What we gonna do with her people

Peasants
BURN HER!!!!

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Drag them down into the ditches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Peasants
Burn ’em, burn ’em, burn the witches

Matthew Hopkins
They are just a bunch of bitches

Peasants
Burn em, burn em, burn the witches

General
I cannae watch this

Dante
I know, gruesome stuff eh?

General
It’s bloody barbaric

Dante
I’m glad you noticed…

General
Can we not do something to help

Dante
I’m afraid its against the rules
{Lucy starts screaming}
Its better I get you out of here rapido – I would like to show you the exact opposite of persecution

General
What’s that?

Dante
It is love, my boy, love for your fellow man… its time we hit the Sixties, the west coast of America, at the geographical & chronological centre of the Summer of Love…

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


SCENE 4: San Francisco (1967)

A group of hippies are having a sunrise hippy jam lovefest – enter Dante & the General from the space-time coninuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
It all looks a bit Charlie Manson to me

Dante
No, that’s LA, its a different vibe completely down there, all that Hollywood & cocaine plant extract… no, this is San Francisco, acid country, peace man !

General
Far out

Dante
Sarcasm might not qualify as a major sin in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, but it is definitely annoying – basta, si, finito!

General
Alright, alight, chillax

Dante
Chillax?

General
It means chilling out & relaxing at the same time

Dante
{writing in a notebook}
Hmm, I like that, chill-lax, an interesting & most quality kenning

***

DOWN ON THE BEACH

As the drums are speeding
Johnny bums the weed in
& a mums breast feedin’
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the vibes enhancing
Dave the Rave’s gone trancin
Sally belly dancing
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress

As the seagulls swoopin
Larry loop the loopin
Uma hula hoopin
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Brotherman’s gone mental
Davey transcendental
It’s a party central
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

Jenny’s gone all jiggy
Johnnys such a hippy
Touch ya soul & dig it
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
As the sunlights creepin
All the birds are leapin
John the bongs gone sleepy
Down on the beach (down on the beach)
Peace love & happiness makes me undress
I got half a mind to leap in the sea
Watch the waters slide slowly all over my chest
Before the sunjammin’ family

The summer of love is coming
I can hear the tribal drumming
I can see the rainbow changin
All the colours are rearranging
Love is the answer

Tho’ Jonny looks like he’s nappin
His foot start tappin
It feels like he’s still a dreaming
To this song
& when he stands up clappin
It makes us happy
It feels like we were the dreamers all along

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the sun risin’
Over the summer sea
& when the suns comin
Up to the fun drummin
This timeless fantasy
Has never felt so free

We are the sunjammin
Sunjammin family
Watchin the ships roll in
Across the summer sea
& when the boats come in
Up to the fun drummin
All of our friends can be
Part of the family

***

Dante
Now we’ve been Timewarpin’
Thro’ all the tides of time
I hope some sense sinks in
Enough to guide your mind

Present Past & future
Will forever keep alive
Til we find the answers, do ya
Sense them,

General
O yes I can

Dante
Give me your hand my man

General
Dante I plan to survive

Dante
Look at how they all love each other – good music, good people, feee love – they are living together under the spell of social acceptance – everybody is equal in the eyes of a hippy

General
Everybody drinks the same water, right

Dante
Essato
{swigging from a bottle}
Or in this case some rather delicious tropical rum, I found it near the hippies

General
I thought we weren’t supposed to get involved

Dante
Booze is allowed
{swigging from the bottle}
Its good – want some

General
Alright, gizza swig
{swigging from the bottle}
So where next

Dante
We shall now be focussing on one of the most important virtues

General
What’s that

Dante
Lotalty, my boy, loyalty… its time we went to Texas

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

SCENE 5: The Alamo, 1836

Davy Crockett is in his bed, the Mexican assault on the Alamo is raging all around inside the fort – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

THE ALAMO

Davy Crockett
Ay-ee-ya-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yai
This is mine, this aint yours,
Theres one thing u should know
I’m a Texan, if ya Mexican
Ya gonna die in the Alamo

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a bowie knife
I’d lay down my life
For the holy rodeo

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

I don’t give a damn if ya coming for me
Cos im getting off on the odds
I got a gun for you I got a gun for two
I’m gonna blow ya back to your gods

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the hounds & dogs

I aint a Mexican no no I aint American no no
Im Texicana fighting for the lone star

Well I’m fighting for the Alamo
Maybe its my time to go
The bloodlust fills my appetite
& fortifies my will to fight

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
I’m the king of the wild frontier

Im gonna try in the Alamo
Im gonna try for the Alamo
Im gonna die in the Alamo
Im gonna die for the Alamo

Enter Several Mexicans – Crockett shoots some, runs out of bullets & is bayoneted – exit Mexicans

Lying down in my gory guts
I’m gonna die here on my bed
But all around my last battleground
the enemys blood was shed

Cos they call me Davy Crockett
I got a pistol in my pocket
I got a shotgun & a bowie knife
remember me when im dead

***

General
Wow – so that’s Davy Crockett

Dante
Davy Crockett, si – this is the Alamo fortress – Texas 1836, just a couple of hundred brave American souls are battling ten thousand Mexicans – but for them the end has almost come

General
Why bring me here, dude

Dante
I wanted to teach you about loyalty – of defending your ideals & your responsibility – all Humans are capable of such nobility, but all you seem interested in right now is getting, how you say, off your face, & playing with sticks & balls, a silly game, by the way, which you seem to lose an awful lot at

General
I’m just having a bad run of luck pal

Dante
No matter, as long as you are absorbing into your psyche that, just as Davey Crockett died for Texas, so everyone alive must defend the honour of the loved one

General
Alright, alright, I get it

Dante
Aha! I see a little chink has appeared in your, how would you say it in the colloquial – ‘nobhead armour’– the Divine spirit was right, as always, your soul might be saveable yet

General
So where next, this is cool

Dante
This time, my boy, we’ll be shooting forwards to the future!!

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


(TW) Scenes 6-7



SCENE 6: Geneva, 2050

A meeting of the world leader cabal – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
When are we now

Dante
It is the year Twenty Fifty – those people sitting down are members of the world leader cabal – they are so obsessed with money they are literally killing the Planet Earth, all in the name of personal wealth

General
Pure greed

Dante
Essato – any moment now they are to receive a visit from a certain body of green activists

General
What, Greenpeace, Extinction Rebellion?

Dante
No, these are the main guys, they call themselves the Druids, my boy – & here they come, bang on time as usual – they’re very punctual are the Pendragons

Enter druids

***

LOVE THE PLANET

Drowning islands, blood red diamonds
Assassin silence, it’s all the same
Sighing Parthenon, dying Amazon
Cryin’ now shes gone, we’re all to blamne

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Many people fear we must dissapear
(Melt away) Like a candle
Look inside your soul, we could lose it all
(People say) it’s a scandal

Children’s hunger pang, dead orangatang
We’ll go off with a bang, still in our youth
God got no halo, she lyin’ down below
Mother Gaia know the simple truth

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

When you look at me tell me what you see
(Am I real) am I worthless
Look upon the earth calculate its worth
(Can you feel) it is priceless
To ye high & almighty masters of economy
Thinking that ecology could never pay
Your grotesque cabal of kings
Got so many diamond rings

I’m talking world implosion
I’m talking bout soil erosion
I’m talk bout dirty oceans too

Love the planet (save her)
Love the planet
She’s the only one we got

Love the planet – don’t be a stranger
Love the planet – cos shes in danger
Love the planet – no need to change her ways
Cos she’s the only one we got

***

World Leader 1
Your protest has been noted

World Leader 2
You may leave…

Druid
We hope you heed our words of warning well

World Leader 3
Your advice has been registered

Exit druids / World Leaders burst into laughter

World Leader 3
Fucking hippies

World Leader 1
So, anyway where were we

World Leader 2
The Israelis – apparently they refuse to buy any more missiles

World Leader 3
We’ll see about that shall we

World Leader 2
Yes, I think a little war in the Middle East is long overdue

World Leader 1
After lunch gentlemen – listening to those beatniks has given me an appetite for some ethnic foods

World Leader 2
Grand idea

World Leader 3
How’s the new house coming along {insert name of world leader}

World Leader 1
Slowly – the natives are a terrible nuisance – they simply refuse to leave the island

World Leader 2
Have you tried an epidemic – there’s plenty of Coronavirus still in storage at my castle in Luxemburg

World Leader 3
I’d like a new island myself, with the oceans rising so much these days… there’s plenty of new ones available

***

SHANGRI-LA

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna plant me my standard there
I’m gonna claim it for my country
As I build my country there

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a palace there
I’m gonna fill the pool with diamonds
Fountain rose milk everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 3
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me my prison there
I’m gonna chain the native wisemen up
In mucky dungeon’s air

I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harem there
I’m gonan bed the local beauties
Scatter rubies everywhere

World Leaders 1 & 2
Following the Eastern Star
Sailing to the shores of Shangri La
You don’t have to travel far
To find out the star you are

World Leader 1
Oh, Islandwhana
Boer Country Farmer
We’ve got to count the spears
& bake the tears in ancient customs

World Leader 2
Oh, Las Malvinas
What comes between us,
Lets go to Amritsar & masticate
The old dominions

World Leader 3
Oh, Teotihuaucan
On the way to Japan
Conquistadors broke down the temple doors
& call’d priests Indians

Unlucky Lucknow
On the field of plassey
We’ll slaughter fine young braves
To save their souls from dark idolatry

World Leaders 1 & 2
I’m gonna buy myself an island
I’m gonna build me a harbour there
I’m gonna send a boat for all my friends
This paradise to share

***

General
They are proper evil bampots, them lot, like

Dante
Indeed they are – it is time to explain why we are here.. the Rise of the Druids represents the spirit of your Brenda, pleading to common sense & humanity… while the World Leader are…

General
Are me, I presume

Dante
Essato, you really getting to grips with all this aren’t you

General
I think I’m getting it now, yeah, I have been a massive prick to Brenda, but its just, I’m just so young & so good looking & so fuckin talented – I cannae help it if the birds are into me, & its just so difficult to say no, especially when your mojo is on fire

Dante
Hmmm

General
What!?

General
You think you are so smart, so clever, so cool

General
I don’t think so, I know so

Dante
Well, it is time for your next lesson, definitively, I think you need to learn your place in the cosmos young man….

General
Lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


SCENE 7:  A Sri Lankan Beach

Enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

General
Where are we

Dante
This is the island of Ceylon

General
Where

Dante
Of course, they changed its name, didn’t they, what is it again, ah that’s right, we are on the beaches of Sri Lanka, Boxing Day 2004

General
Why does that date ring a bell

Dante
Look!

General
At what

Dante
Out to sea

General
I cannae see anything

Dante
Look again

General
Nah, nothing… why’s the tide out so far?

Dante
Look again

General
Fuck – it’s a tidal wave, we’ve gotta get out of her

Dante
You are perfectly safe with me, now watch, & listen

***

TSU-NA-MI

Dante
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember them fleeing those huge walls of water
That snapp’d them & toss’d them & made bloody piles
She’ll search’d for her daughter around Hambantota
A sad scene repeated some three thousand miles

Remember the host of the ghostly battalion
Imagine them drown’d in a growling sea
Beach-huts for driftwood, corpses for carrion
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

Remember the sounds on the shores of Sri Lanka
The crunching & breaking & snapping & screams
As ships of pig-iron are ripped from the anchor
& pack’d teeming trains flung from bent, steely beams

Remember the trail of those waves of destruction
From Asia to Africa surged the wild sea
Remember, remember the Lord of the Ocean
O sing a sad song for the TSU-NA-MI!

Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!
Tsu-tsu-tsunami, Tsunami, Tsunami!

***

General
I do, yeah, its like I’m a part of nature & we’re all one entity & everything

Dante
Very good, my boy, very good… I think you are ready

General
Ready, ready for what

Dante
For your final lesson… its time to take you home… ready?

General
I suppose I am, yeah, lets do it

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!


(TW) Scenes 8-Outro


PART 4 OF THE LEITHOLOGY QUINTOLOGY


SCENE 8: The Streets of Leith, this time next year

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Brenda is waiting on a street corner – enter Dante & the General from the space-time continuum

Dante & General
Time-Warp-In!

***

WAY OUT

Brenda
I’m so tired of your nonsensical mind
Show me the way out, show me the way out I can find

I’m so bored, I’m so bored of your bullshit brain
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this drain

I’m so lost, I’m so lost in your foolish ways
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this maze

I’m so caught, I’m so caught by your awful spell
Show me the way out, show me the way out of this hell

Turn, turn that mad tap off of my life force
You’ve had a good blast as yer took me to task
Now I’m askin for a bit of relief
Burn, burn that bridge that you thought we were buildin’
Cos my bridge can’t stand on on your selfish sands
As you pull the rug from under me feet
& the culling of my heart is complete

I’m so torn, because you tear my soul apart
Show me the way in
Show me the way into your heart

***

Enter Malik

Malik
Wotcha Brenda

Brenda
Oh, hi, Malik, thanks for coming out at such short notice

Malik
So what can I do you for

Brenda
I was looking for a… a… a gun

Malik
A gun, well, I might be able to help you out with that, what kind of a gun are you looking for

Brenda
Nothing fancy, just one that works.

Malik
Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a nice little WW2 German number in my pocket… Waffen SS Luger, 1943, Eastern Front… for you, four hundred quid

Brenda
I’ll take it
{starts handing out the notes}

Malik
& bullets, do you want any bullets

Brenda
I’ll just need the one please

Malik
Well, there’s three or four in the chamber already, just keep ’em – gimme a bell if you want anymore

Brenda
I’ll keep that in mind, thanks

Malik
Are you alright doll

Brenda
Never been better – I’ll see you around Malik

Exit Malik

Brenda
It’s been a beautiful journey, world, but… I just cannae cope anymore

Brenda shoots herself, but the gun goes click

Brenda
Story of my life, nothing’s ever worked, maybe its a sign not to…

Brenda accidentally shoots herself in the head

General
Noo…… Brenda !!!

The General dashes to Brenda & picks her up in his arms

***

WESTERN SUICIDE

Dante
Old man pulls down the shutter
She’s dead, down in the gutter,
Her blood pours thro’ the sewers
No fun, life in the cureless grey
On a day like today

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

Her momma thought her so pretty
She bought a ticket to the city
She left her mansion in Cockenzie
So fast, flyin’ like a kamakaze
In a Hollywood, movie

She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

She work’d for twenty seven hours a day
Dumb, lazy boyfriend’s wastin all her pay
Now she’s lost her job got nowhere to stay
Her life’s young dreams have all faded away
On a day like today

General
Why throw it away when ya cant turn back
Put it all on red & watch the ball turn black

Dante & General
She’s just another western suicide
I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the way she died
She got stuck down a lonely street
The kind of girl that you’re never likely to meet

So you think you’re so lucky that your life is not like that!

***

Larry
What the fuck are you doing Dante?

Dante
We are in the future, exactly one year from the day that Brenda caught you shmozzing with that floozy & the plastic monkeys… she could not cope with the break-up & so she sunk into a deep depression which has led to this sad, sad moment

Larry
O my god, what have I done, Brenda, I’m so sorry, Dante how can I change it, how can we fix this?

Dante
Look inside yourself Tristan, what is your soul saying, tell me boy, what are the words

***

SEMINAL LIVES

General
We spend our chemical youth
Lookin for love & seekin truth til
We’ve had our fill of the feeling
But now I’m towing the right line
Findin the time to free my mind
& findin’ life so appealin’
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
Dont seem to give a damn about anyone
stop or you’re goin to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin’ inside my head
Running around in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin rat & I’m caught in the undertow

We spend our seminal lives
Lookin for ways to woo our wives
When we’re ready to settle
All our criminal past
Hide it away in plaster cast
Or wrap it in precious metal
Cos when I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
Then I heard

Dante
Stop, stop runnin around like a time bomb
You dont seem to give a damn about anyone
Stop or you’re going to blow

General
I bet you dont feel like I do x2
I bet you dont feel like I feel x2

I get this feelin when I get outta bed
I’m gonna do the damn things
That are runnin inside my head
Running round & round in the life that I know
I’m like a drownin man & I’m caught in the undertow

***

Dante
Well, well, well – I said it was an imposible task – but the boss upstairs insisted you had a shred of decency somewhere – I didn’t expect it at all, but, my boy, I think you have learned your lesson & earned yourself your reprieve… there shall be last timewarp to make….

General
Cheers Dante, everything you said makes sense pal, y’know you might look like a complete tube but you’re alright underneath – if this is our last jump together, lets hold hands or something

Dante
I am afraid I will not be escorting you on this timewarp – it will be our goodbye Tristan, so farewell & good luck

Dante
Its been great
{They shake hands}
& one more thing…. Don’t fuck it up!

General
I’m on it pal… timewarpin’


Scene 9: The General’s Flat, today

General
Timewarpin’ – Woah, wait a minute – what, that’s well weird – I can’t remember taking any ketamine

The doorbell goes / the General answers it / Shannon is waiting at the door in a sexy outfit

Shannon
Hello Sailor!

General
Shannon… do come in come in

Shannon
I am feeling so fucking horny
{starts waving the psychedelic spunk monkey}
I brought us something to play with

General
Wooaahhh! Wait one mother fuckin’ minute –– I’m buzzin’ with de ja vu – we’ve been in this exact situation before

Shannon
What are you on about

General
Dante Alighieri

Shannon
Who

General
Dante Alighieri – the poet

Shannon
I havnae a clue what ya rattling on about, but I don’t give a flying fack
{getting rope from her bag}
Now take off your clothes, I’m gonna tie you to that chair & do some very naughty things to ya

General
Look Shannon, I’ve enjoy’d our hook-ups, really I have, but, but I can’t see you again, like, ever

Shannon
& why not

General
I’ve got a girlfriend – did I just say that – yeah I did, no, I do, I’ve got a girlfriend – & I fuckin’ love her n’all – you’ll have to leave

Shannon
You never said you had a girlfriend

General
You never asked – but you’ve gotta go, its over

Shannon
Its over is it, alright, fuck you
{Shannon waves her small wiener finger}
I wasn’t missing much anyway

Exit Shannon

General
{starting to tidy up}
Jeesh – look at the state of this place

***

Enter Brenda

Brenda
What are you doing

General
Tidying the house honey… you’re home early

Brenda
Work let me go, they said I was too tired, they’re bang on, y’know, I’m exhausted

General
Why don’t you put your feet up, I’ll run you a bath, eh, then cook us up a nice tasty tea, how does that sound

Brenda
Are you alright

General
Yeah, never been better – listen babe, I’ve realised I’ve been a massive jerk – I promise things are gonna change round here– I’m gonna change

Brenda
How are you gonna change

General
Well dunno, day-by-day, intelligent increments & bold baby-steps – I’m even open for suggestions honey, you can mould me

***

NAVIGATOR

General
Show me the way to na-na-navigate thro’ all your mood swings
Show me the way to satisfy your tender love
Show me the way to a-na-nhialate those things that bug you
I need to hug you, snug you, drug you with my love

Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to sa-sa-suffocate my mental monkeys
The way they move inside my mind makes me so mad
Show me the way to understand the way you think Im thinking
Cos you’re the singlest sweetest treat I’ve ever had

General & Brenda
Ooh lets come together
Lets have some fun together
We could be good together
We should be lovers I know

Brenda
Yes I know

Hold on to the things you love
You might never get another chance to love someone
Before the songs are gone & sitting so sad
On the tip of your tongue
My baby
Lets hit the countryside & leave our pride behind us
In this wide world we living in
Go strolling in the heather
Go floating like a feather
Over that stormy weather

Brenda
Yes I know

General
Show me the way to demonstrate my sweet desire for you
Show me the way to remonstrate when things go wrong
Show me the way to sa-sa-celebrate your vixen fire
Cos youre the music in my soul & I’m your song

General
Cos when we come together

Brenda
Yes when we come together

General
We gonna come together

Brenda
Go strolling in the heather

General
Go floating like a feather

Brenda
Over that stormy weather

General
I love u baby
U know I do I’m hot for you

Brenda
I love ya too boy
What’s wrong with you, you seem brand new

General
Don’t go to work girl
Lets lie in bed & make love instead

Brenda
Present past future
Youre the truest love of mine

General
& all we need is music
Converstion & good wine

General & Brenda
Present past & futures’ gonna teach us right from wrong
& all the scenes we’ve seen was history
Shatterd into pieces Speaking to this species
As if odyssean song
Cos weve been Timewarpin

Brenda
I love you Tristan

General
I love you too honey

Brenda
So wheres this meal you gonna be cooking for me – im starving

General
Fuck cooking baby, lets go out & grab a romantic meal – I’m paying

Brenda
Sure

General
You’re gonna have to lend me another forty quid tho

Fin.


OUTRO

And so its time for us to go
I hope that you enjoy’d the show
Come again, bring ya friends
But not if they’ve got vertigo
Because were getting higher
The actors are sailin’ the ship
We’re getting higher
The drummers’ll funk up yer trip
& all the music’s shootin straight from the hip
So come on get a grip
Of the song as it slips from your tongue
As it leaps from your lips
Like a lion on its prey
All the gods & the ghosts
Shall applaud us at our
Laud us at our play