TC Well I went on down to my dealer’s house To score a little exstasi, he said,
Charlie I’m cuttin mi own throat, They’re cheap at twice the price y’see
TC I said, yer try all yer like But yer’ll never make a fool outta me.
The Moustrap, Leith Walk
TC Then I strutted into the Mousetrap Met a Rasta dress’d like Bob Marley, he said
Rasta Y’all want some skunk weed
TC But it smelt like it were pot pouri I said yer try all yer like but yer’ll never make a fool outta me. Wherever I am, wherever I go, I’m always the one who sez I told yer so & yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!
Salamander Street, Leith
So I met this chick & we hit the streets Jumped in the cube of an uber taxi, He drove us home where he tried ter treble up the fee, I said, yer try all yer like but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.
Well we drank some wine, feelin fine, snortin lines, She said,
Married Woman Boy yer lookin fuckin sexy, But hurry up sunshine Mi husband’ll be home at three
TC I said, yer try all yer like but yer’ll never make a fool outta me.
Streets of Leith
TC Wherever I am, wherever I go, I’m always the one who sez I told yer so & yer might jus’ get one over on mi next time!
So I dab some coke roll a smoke put on mi coat Hit the city streets whistlin’ tunes to the moon Stroll down the hill comin’ down on mi pill til the next time
***
SCENE 2: TC’s Flat
TC is just kicking back with a tinny – there’s a furious knocking at his door
TC What the fuck !! Hello
Brooklyn TC, its me, DJ Brooklyn, let us in
{TC opens the door}
TC Can I help?
Brooklyn That’s no way to greet an old pal
TC You’re right, sorry, how ya diddlin’
Brooklyn Not too bad, Not too bad, but I seem to have got myself into a bit of a sticky fix
TC You’re always in a bit of a fix, what is it this time?
Brooklyn I need your help mate
TC You still owe me £200 from the last time I helped you out
Brooklyn Oh yeah, sorry about that, I’ll add it to your fee
TC My fee?
Brooklyn Yeah – I need somebody coche to DJ down the Mash House tonight, I cannae get anybody else decent enough on the decks , they’re all booked up, you’re my last hope
TC How charming – whats the wages
Brooklyn Including that 200 quid, it’ll be, ehm, 500 altogether
TC Yeah, alright then, what’s the gig?
Brooklyn Disco
TC Disco!
Brooklyn Yep
TC Disco’s dead mate
Brooklyn It can’t be that dead, there’s a shed load of punters have bought tickets for this gig tonight – there’s even a coach load coming from Dumfries – so anyways, I’vejust had a phone call from the band saying their bus has broken down with smoke & flames fuckin’ coming out the fuckin’ engine somewhere near Chelmsford
TC What band’s that
Brooklyn The Silver Strobes – a disco band from britsol – I don’t wanna cancel, so, I’m thinking, if we can play some decent disco records the punters migth not even bother about the band not being there, they’ll be too busy roller-skating all over the gaff underneath a glitter ball
TC I might have a couple of tunes somewhere I could dig out – wait a sec, lets have a look
***
DISCO GOLD
TC You’ve took the trouble To cook up a plan Lets dig for disco gold
I’ve got the shovel So pick up the pan Lets dig for disco gold
I’ve got the silver You’ve got the glitter glory But where’s the disco gold
Stay funky brother & when we’re hunky dory We’ll find that disco gold
Its been {years since 1977} years Since ‘I Feel Love’ Or so I’m told We’re gonna dig for disco gold
Brooklyn Whether stranded in Warsaw At ya Grandad’s in France Lets dig for disco gold
TC We can all hit the dance floor & learn how to prance Diggin that disco gold
Brooklyn Come on & take out the silence & break down those walls to find the disco gold
TC Come on & dig out the diamonds That shine in your souls Cos thats the disco gold
Its been {years since 1977} years Since ‘I Feel Love’ Or so I’m told We’re gonna dig for disco gold
Brooklyn Its been {???} years Since I was born But I don’t feel old Because I dig my disco gold
***
Brooklyn Those’ll fuckin do, nice one TC
TC Yeah, I got this, should be a cinch – I might even spit some lyrics down over the dancier bits – could be cool
Brooklyn Yeah, very cool – if it keeps ‘em happy, why not
TC This new enterprise needs a name, tho’
Brooklyn Well, obviously something to do with Disco, something kinky like, yeah that works, Kinky Disco….
TC Nah
Brooklyn Slinky Disco
TC Nearly… wait, I got it
Brooklyn What, what is it?
TC Tinky Disco!
Brooklyn Yeah, I like it, & very apt
TC Damn straight, tinky as fuck me, & proud of it
Brooklyn I’ll see you down the Mashhouse mate, sound checks at nine
TC Here you are, take my records in your car will ya – If the punters are their heads on eccies they’ll never notice there’s no band – I need to get a few mor in, & all this vinyl’ll slow me down
Brooklyn Good tyhin’ … get four in for us will ya – I’m gonna have a double dunt for fun, & I’ll a couple for any hot ladies I might happen to meet
TC No sweat – see ya tonight yeah
Brooklyn Laters – & thanks pal, really appreciate it
Exit Brooklyn
TC Disco! I fuckin’ hate disco – ah well, in for a penny, in for a … well, for five hundred pounds! {Phones Charlie} Yo Charlie {TC puts his coat on} I’m gonna need 100 sweeties or so for tonght… I’m DJing pal… {TC exits house}
Enter the General, Brenda & India – Palik is is the waiter
Palik Welcome, table for three?
Brenda Yes please
Palik This way…
General Thank you
India Ooo, its nice in here innit
General It’s the best restaurant in Leith this, for multiple reasons
Palik Would you like any drinks?
General I’ll have a lager… Brenda
Brenda Same
General India?
India I’ll have a white wine please
Palik No problems be back in a minute
General Ooo & Palik
Palik Yes
General Could we have the… poppadom special for starters
Palik Good choice, sir, good choice
The party take their seats
India So lovely to meet ya Brenda, Tristan’s told me so much about you
Brenda Tristan?
India Yeah, Tristan, my brother
General Ehm, I forget to mention that
Brenda Tristan! Tristan & Brenda
India Yes it’s a little incongruous isnt it
Brenda You what?
India Incongruous… Never mind…. Brenda, Tristan & I, well, we come from a certain privileged background
Brenda So you’re posh then, babe
General Ehm
India Our family is… Tristan’s the black sheep, doesn’t want to conform, do you darlin’
General There’s more to life than buggary & polo
India You do know that the flat you’re now living in was paid for by mother
General She bought you one as well
Brenda Alright, alright, calm, down you two – you’ve only just met up – I don’t care what your name is, who your parents are & whether you own your flat or nae, I fucking love you General
They embrace
India Ah, aint that sweet
General So you’re up for coming out with us later
India Yeah, why not, what happening?
General A mate of ours is putting on a disco night
India Ooo… I love a bit of disco
General So sis, I need to tell you something – one of the reasons this is the best restaurant in Leith is that they do a nice little side-line in bingo
Brenda What, someone didn’t flush the toilet, it’s a dirty loo, thirty two
General No, not that kind of bingo, {imitates snorting coke} Bingo-bingo… & it’s the proper stuff n’all –
Brenda You can get some right nice afghan black, n’all, blows yer head right off,
General & a bit of speed on Tuesdays
Palik returns with trays of food
Palik Here’s your drinks & here’s the poppadom special – just come in today
****
POPPADOM
Brenda Have a dab o that says Abbadabbadis To Mister Tristan Poppadopalous
India Whats this
Brenda Says Tristan’s sister Tristan says
Tristan Its got a little twist
All Pom, pom… lets pop a proper poppadom Pom, pom… we all love a poppadom
Palik Dont forget the mango chutney Its imported up from Putney Makes the chicken balti taste supreme Mountains of bombay tatties Basmati rice chapattis Its the greatest feast I’ve ever seen
India Your spice is pretty damn nice
Brenda Tristan’s sister tells Abbadabadis Then gets him in the kitchen & asks him
India Can I have a little kiss
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Palik Don’t forget the lamb jalfrezi It’s the kind that’s sends you crazy Then again its gets stuck in your teeth Don’t forget the shami kebabs They’re the one everyone has But you gotta taste it to believe
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Tristan What yer suckin that fer, what the the fuck is this
Brenda Hiss’d pissed off Tristan to his little sis
India That chutney made me horny
Brenda Abbadabadis got battered with a fist
All Pom, pom… lets a proper poppadom Pom, pom…
Brenda Don’t forget the sweet bang lassi It’s the kind that sends you happy Or is it that I got stuck in a dream Don’t forget Tamwar’s peshwari We got it from the argy-bargy It’s the greatest feast there’s ever been That I’ve ever seen… That there’s ever been
****
Palik Bloody hooligans
Brenda {to Palik} Are you alright pal
Palik No I’m bloody not alright…
General I’m sorry mate, my sister’s lost her head on that dab you gave her
Palik So its my fault is it – I never asked her for a bloody blow job – just get out my restaurant
Brenda Look, man, we’re really sorry
Palik Whatever – don’t come back, yeah
Exit Brenda, Tristan – exit India gesturing ‘call me’ to Palik
SCENE 4: Constitution Street, Leith
TC is waiting at a bus stop in Leith / Stacey is also waiting
****
PUSSY BUS
TC I met a girl She’s gotta get on a bus She’s gotta get on a bus She’s going home to her boyfriend
& then she said
Stacey I wanna come home with you Because my boyfriend’s mad Going thro a real bad time
TC So I said Lets get on a bus Lets get on a bus & get off at my bus stop So she said
Stacey I’m gonna come home with you Yeah im coming with you Cos I really really like you
Stacey & TC Lets all ride the pussy bus Lets all ride the pussy bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC Lets take a ride on the pussy bus Its peace on earth on the pussy bus Lets take a ride on the pussy Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
TC So I’m sat Yeah I’m sat on a bus At the back of the bus With another boy’s girlfriend
Then ouch I get a smack in the puss Cos a boy on the bus He knows this hussy’s boyfriend
Fuck this I’m gonna get off the bus I’m gonna get off the bus & catch the bus behind us
Then the mad bitch follows us off She follows us off Cos she wanted to find us
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
TC So I’m back yeah, back in the street & I look at my feet & they’re covered in bloodspots She says,
Stacey Babe look at the moon Its playing our tune I love our new bus-stop
TC I said mad bitch look at my shoes Ya proper bad news There’s blood on my trainers She says
Stacey Baby gimme ya shoes I know what to do We’ll try a dry cleaners
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC Succubus, Succubus, she’s crazy succubus
Stacey Succubus, Succubus, sucky fucky succubus
Stacey & TC Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus Pussy Bus, Pussy Bus, lets all ride the Pussy Bus
TC What about your boyfriend I said
Stacey Don’t fuss hes a proper nobhead
Stacey & TC Lets take a ride on the pussy bus Its peace on earth on the pussy bus Lets take a ride on the pussy Yeah its disco time on the pussy bus
****
Stacey So whats your name
TC They call me TC
Stacey TC? Nice, I’m Sta-cey – TC & Stacey, Cagney & Lacey, nice – what ya up to
TC I’m DJ-ing tonight
Stacey Ooo, that’s devastating that’s! A DJ – cool as – can I come
TC {shaking head} Is there any chance of me stopping you?
Stacey Nope
TC Alright then, its at the Mash House
Stacey Yeah, lets have a mash up down the mash house
TC So, you like to party, do ya
Stacey Do I, I fucking love raving me
TC You do? me too
Stacey What kind of music are you playing
TC Disco
Stacey Disco, what’s that
TC It’s a bit like house music
Stacey I prefer techno me – bam-baam-blam-blam-bla-bla-blam—-bam-blam
Exit Stacey bouncing like a duracel bunny – TC follows shaking his head in a confused crush
SCENE 5: The Mash House
The club is empty – Brooklyn is messin about on the decks / enter TC & Stacey
TC Yo Brooklyn
Brooklyn TC, my main man, how ya diddlin?
TC Ready to rave, pal, ready to rave
Brooklyn & who’s this little bundle of buzziness?
Stacey I’m Stacey
Brooklyn Well hello there – I’m Brooklyn, it looks like you’re our first punter of the night
Stacey I aint payin,’ I’m with him
Brooklyn But…
TC Don’t fight it mate, you won’t win
Brooklyn OK, the more the merrier I suppose
TC Here’s them pills
Brooklyn Nice one
TC That’ll be a twenty-spot please
Brooklyn Can I give it you at the end of the night, along with your fee
TC Fer fucks sake
Brooklyn You’ll get your money, you’ll get your money, don’t fret – in the meantime its a free bar for us – there’s a wee fridge behind the decks – whaddaya want – we’ve got cans of lager, cider, there’s even a bottle of tequila
TC Just a can of lager, ta
Stacey I’ll have a tequila
Brooklyn I can’t find any ices & slices
Stacey I prefer it straight, its fine, just give me the bottle
Brooklyn Whatever… here’s yours TC
TC Thank you very much
TC & Brooklyn open & chink their cans / Stacey starts swigging the tequila
Brooklyn So here are the decks, yeah – top quality technics – the bass is buzzing
TC Buzzin
Brooklyn I meant booming, proper in your guts stuff
TC Let me put a record on, then, check it out
Stacey {singing} One tequila two tequila three tequila four Five tequila six tequila, watcha waiting for Six tequila, seven tequila, eight tequila more Nine tequila, ten tequila, then you hit the floor
Brooklyn She’s off her head, her
TC I don’t mind, I like the feisty ones
Brooklyn Feisty! She’s a borderline roaster!
TC {putting on a record} That sounds absolutely banging – the top end is top notch
Brooklyn It certainly is – you ready to go
TC Yeah, I’m up for it, yeah
Brooklyn OK brother, I’ll start letting them in – see you on the flipside
TC Over easy, mate, over easy
T.D.S
TC Check it, check it, check it
Phew, phew got nuffin to do Just an egg macmuffin hat attitude Gonna put on some random records & get down to the groove
Friends, friends followin trends I heard miss disco’s making amends She gotta damn foxy symphony She gonna sing that song for you
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your vibe You got to share your high
Stacey Fucked up, big it up Got the pills & the files & they’re backed up I’m a pretty little buttercup In my summer top all see thro’ sequinfied Dont stop rev it up Whatv ya got tip top on yer laptop Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide Ah tequila ceiling feeling like its cyanide
Enter Hamish, Krissie & Kate
TC Hi! Hi! Call from Mumbai I’ve never heard nuttin like this guy’s Gonna ring round the company They gonna get down to the groove
Flow, flow, kinky Kyoto She lettin’ it hang & lettin it grow Gotta facebook her friends & set their statuses to you
Enter Larry the Axe & City
Down at the T-I-N-K-Y D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
You’ve got to find your tribe You got to share your style
Well I’m the real TC thats me I aint your normal form of MC I’m a true groove buster voodel chile Ripping it max with lots of style
I’m Scotland’s top hip-hot outfit Lyrical bandit doing my bit Musical genius jammin guitar Hear the new disco wherever you are, yeah
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
Enter Nelson & Lily
Nelson It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco It’s the Tinky Disco
Lily I put on my dancing shoes My soul it glows like a glitterball These neon lights they shine for me & you Lets his the floor my friend Gonna dip trip slide until the party ends This Tinky Disco sets me free
Enter The General, Brenda & India
TC Hands, hands, show me those hands We’re dancing naked down on the sands Gotta wee foxy flavour & a fist of fireflies Crawl, crawl, walk or you’ll fall The tides gone out the towers are tall There’s a full moon approaching & its time to phantasize
Down at the T-I-NKY D-I-S-C-O Freaky Superfly Disco Show Down at the Tinky Disco Yes its the Tinky Disco Show, so come on
We’re never gonna let the weekend stop We gonna freak & pop we gonna freak & pop
City, Larry the Axe, Lily & Nelson bump into each other
Larry the Axe How ya doing Lillian! Nice to see ya darlin’
Lily You too Larry… you’re looking good
Larry The Axe I’m feelin’ good
Lily {embracing City} Alright babe
City Glad ya could make it… who’s this ray of sunshine
Lily He... is with me
City Does he have a name?
Nelson I certainly do. I’m Nelson, nice to meet you
Nelson & City shake hands}
City Ooo! Such strong hands – where’ve you been hiding this one, Lily
Lily We’ve only just met, but its going really well
Larry I’m Larry, mate, Larry the Axe, & this is my fiance Felicity
Nelson Nice one, nice to meet yas
Larry Likewise – so lets get this party started shall we – who wants a drink
Lily I’ll have a G&T please
Nelson I’ll give you a hand mate, lets do some bonding
City Pernod & coke babe…. by the way, Nelson, do call me City… y’know cities never sleep, & I can keep going all night
Larry {exiting with Nelson} Sorry about that – she gets a wee bit excitable does mah lassie
Lily Oi – hands off – you’re supposed to be engaged
City Sorry, I’m coming up on half a pill, you know what I’m like
Lily No worries honey – got any more
City I don’t actually, I was hoping to catch TC
{Enter TC putting his arms round Lily & City}
TC Yo-yo-yo ladies, thanks for coming down – the pair of ya are looking absolutely ravishing as always –so, is there anything I can do you for
Lily Got any pills
TC Obviously – here you, go there’s ten in there, giz sixty & they’re yours
Lily {to City} Have you got thirty quid
City I owe you a tenner from last time remember,
Lillian O yeah
City Here’s 4forty from me TC
Lily & there’s the other 20
TC Pleasure doing business ladies – I shall see you two on the dancefloor – looking down from my cool fucking DJ booth
Lily It’s sounding good
TC Cheers – I’ve got some proper bangers in the bank
Lily Nice one
TC Talking of which, there’s one coming up now, I’d better…
Exit TC
Lily He’s such a wi-do that guy
City Innit
Enter Nelson & Larry the Axe with drinks
Larry Here ya go
City Cheers babe
Lily Nice one Larry
City {handing out pills} & weve got a little something for you
Nelson Where d’ya get them from
Lily You just missed TC
Nelson Good!
City Alright guys – to a top fucking night
Larry Lets have it
They all down a pill & start to pull The Jacksons ‘shake your body’ moves
Lily Right – lets dance, lets shout, shake your body down to the ground… lets dance, lets shout, shake your body down to the ground…
GOOD TIME GIRL
Nelson I’m a man you’re a woman & a woman & a man gotta make a plan In the frying pan I see you comin along With yer legs so long In a full ensemble
I’m a man you’re a woman & & a woman & a man gotta make a plan When the plan demands I’m standin’ singing my song Coming along Cos I know that I want ya
You’re a good time, a good time girl & thats the kind I like-a right now, now Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl
I know I’ll get a good, good time Because a good time is on her mind
Lily I know I’ll get a good, good time Because a good time is on my mind
Lily dances with Hamish who moves away from Katie & Krissie
Nelson
Im a friend & a lover & a lover is a friend When ya sensing tension on the floor I see you slippin the twirl & trippin the girl They used to be after
When a man sees a vision & a vision sees a man Its a mission if the competition grows I see ya playin’ the star Baby you are the belle of the baftas
You’re a good time, a good time girl & thats the kind I like-a right now, now Yeah shes a good time, a good time girl
I know I’ll get a good, good time Because a good time is on her mind
Lily I know I’ll get a good, good time Because a good time is on my mind
Lily I know I’ll get a good good time Because a good time is on my mind x 2 Yeayyeye –
Nelson Shes so good lookin, im lovin’ my good time girl (repeat)
SCENE 7: The Ladies Toilets
Krissie & Katie are doing their make up & hair while queuing for a cubicle
Katie What do you think
Krissie You look great babe {pointing to her make-up} Just a little bit more here & it’ll be perfect
Katie You know a mirror can only see so much – its essential to have an honest girlfriend with ya on a night out
Krissie It’s a wicked buzz tonight
Katie But…Tinky Disco,!? what the fuck does that mean?
Krissie Dunno – but it, but it kinda fits, especially with that dodgy gadgie TC on the decks
Stacey leaves her cubicle – stares the girls down
Stacey Boo!
Katie Charming
Krissie What a barnpot!
Katie Anyway, you go in first, it looks like you’re busting
Krissie Thanks – I am – will you do my dress for me, its too tight
Katie I don’t know why you put on such baffling outfiits Krissie– I mean they look great, but are completely impracticle
Krissie Cheers – won’t be long
Enter Brenda looking for India
Brenda India?
India I’m in here
Brenda You alright?
India I’m just having a pee
Brenda drops her bag, bends down to pick it up & sees a needle wrapper on the floor of India’s cubicle
Brenda Oi, India, what are you up to in there
India I’m having a pee, leave me alone
Brenda Are you a diabetic or summat
India No
Brenda What’s the needle for then
India Ehm
Brenda I know exactly what youre doing – it’s a fucking mugs game love {to Katie} Sorry about this
Katie Is she a smack head?
Brenda Think so… come on India, its not worth it, you’ll ruin yer life on that stuff
India Away ‘n’ bile yer heid
Katie What’s she called
Brenda India
Katie Hey India – smackupuncture’s not cool babe, especially in a nightclub, its rude
A sustained silence – Krissie leaves the cubicle
Brenda India, come on out, we can talk about it, trust me, I’ve been there, let me help you out
India flushes the loo then exits the cubicle & gives Brenda a hug
Brenda That’s the first step darlin, well done, now listen up
***
TINKY DISCO SAVED THE JUNKIE
Brenda Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack I see you headin down that track That shit is worse than a heart attack It kills you & your friends yeah
Don’t shoot that shit into your arm That shit is gonna do you harm Don’t shoot that shit into your legs You’ll end up hobbling round on pegs With the gutter dregs
Katie Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky Disco saved the junkie Tinky disco, Lets go, lets go
Don’t do smack no don’t do smack You aint no joker in the pack You’ll soon be choking on your back The bullshit never ends yeah
Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes That shit’s the devil in disguise Don’t shoot that shit into your veins You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains & your grandma hangs her head in shame
Katie Don’t do smack no don’t do smack You aint no joker in the pack You’ll soon be choking on your back The bullshit never ends yeah
Krissie Don’t shoot that shit into your eyes That shit’s the devil in disguise Don’t shoot that shit into your veins You’ll lose your ill-begotten gains
Brenda & your grandma hangs her head in shame
Katie Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda Tinky Disco saved a junkie
Enter Lily
Lily Chennai Shanghai Moscow Rio de janero Jo-berg Saint Petersburg Helsinki Y’all keepin it tinky
Glasgow Chicago Tirana Espanola Bolton Haddington San Francisco Lets all have a disco
Brenda Don’t do smack no don’t do smack I see you headin down that track That shit’s worse than a heart attack It kills you & your friends yeah
Lily Don’t do smack no don’t do smack To get that monkey off your back Just chuck that monkey in a sack & let the fucker drown
Katie Wake up yer just a dealer’s flunky
Krissie They’re messing with yer mind like a wind-up monkey
Brenda Stand up girl fit & funky
Katie, Krissie, Brenda, Lily Tinky Disco saved a junkie
***
India I’m hearing ya, girls, I really am,
Krissie Listen to her – she’s a good friend
Katie Its just not worth it, doll – anyway, see yous on the dance floor girls
Exit Katie & Krissie
Lily Taking heroin is like getting stuck down a rabbit hole
Brenda & it aint no wonderland down there, trust me
India You’re right – im just a bit misguided sometimes
Lily Look, let’s chop some uppers out –I’ve got a wee coke & ecstasy cocktail that’ll put a kick in yer groove like a soul on the move
India OK cool
Lily Brenda, you in
Brenda If you don’t mind
Lily Course not –would you mind stepping into my office ladies
City, Brenda & Lily enter the cubicle laughing
SCENE 8: The Mashhouse
Brooklyn is chatting to the General / Hamish, Stacey, Nelson & City are dancing – Enter Krissie & Katie – Brooklyn notices them arrive & makes his approch
Brooklyn Here you go ladies, open wide
Katie What are they
Brooklyn Top grade ecstasy
Krissie I’ll have one
Katie Go on then, why not
Brooklyn These are for being the best looking fillies in da house {popping pills in the girls’ mouths} So whats your names?
Katie I’m Katie, she’s Krissie
Krissie We do everything together
Brooklyn Cool, they call me Brooklyn… DJ Brooklyn – I organised this little soiree you are currently attending &, may I ask, are you enjoying yourselves
Katie You’ve done well, we were just saying that, good effort
DJ Brooklyn My pleasure
Enter The Cool Pool General
General Alright girls
Katie & Krissie Hiya
General {to Brooklyn} Aren’t ya gonna introduce us
Brooklyn Sorry – where are my manners – ladies, this is my esteem’d gentleman friend, The Cool Pool General – General meet ehmm, ehmm, this is erm… erm… O fuck it… I’m gonna call ya Real Madrid & Barcelona – General, mate, meet Madrid & Barca
General Nice one ladies… so who’s up for pulling some moves, then?
Krissie Yeah, lets do it
Katie & Krissie cheer their encouragement then hit the dancefloor with the General & Brooklyn / City approaches Nelson
City Alright handsome
Nelson Hey, City
City Where’s Lily
Nelson Shes in the loo I think – where’s Larry
City He’s off chatting with some of his ‘associates’ – you do know you’re a bit of a fox, don’t ya –
Nelson A what?
City A fox – you’re foxy
Nelson I am?
City Yeah, we’d have a made a nice couple me & you, like the king & queen of the prom
Nelson I’ve never thought about it to be honest
City What, so since you’ve met me, even in your deeeeeepest subconscious, you’ve never imagined what it would be like to, y’know, go with me on a high speed train
Nelson A what
City On a high speed train, when ya trevellin…’ Intercity
Nelson Ehm
City {kicking off her shoes} I’m only teasin,’ come on, lets have a proper dance
***
FLIRTELITY
Nelson Shes got no shoes on I put my moves on Its time to cruise on up To the girl with the suncookin tan
City I think hes clocked me He’s proper cockey Hope he’s no Cockney nob Because hes a good lookin man
Nelson She looks obscure I’d like to do her I’m lookin thro her top & I stop cos I wanna cop some more
City I’m up & struttin Slip slide & slutty Its time to cut inside As I glide to his side cross the floor
Nelson Ahh its kissin time Gonna taste the tongue o’ this girl so fine
City NO— you aint got there yet I’m hangin on for my tete-a-tete
Nelson I got my eye in Cheatin & lyin She is a lionesse But I’m blest with a fast sharp fork tongue
City He gives me twirl style Twist like a turn style Whippin the whirl while I’m just happy ba-bobbin along
Nelson I put my oar in She’s all but snoring She finks im borin’ But I’d test the best of Cairo
City I like ya near My hemisphere I’d like to be ya Date, or mate, or would you like to know
Nelson I’m just killing time Until the time your tongue is mine
City Pure apocalypse when kissing slips Between our lips
Nelson You’ve got to keep on Push down the pylons Set off the fire alarms
City Then keep the beat strong Let your feet stomp It wont be long before were one
Nelson & City & when were both in harmony That’s you & me in ecstasy & when weve gone & harmonized We’ll keep the feeling feelin’ really nice You & me that’s harmony Me & you, what shall we do
Nelson I fink shes foxy Without her socks yeah Completely rocks the world This girl with the sun cookin tan
City He’s such a honey So cute & funny I’d like to run him home Hmm-hmm he’s a good lookin man
***
Enter Lily
Lily So what’s goin’ on here then
Nelson We were just having a boogie
City Yeah, he’s got some nice moves has your man
Lily He does, does he?
Enter Larry
Larry Alright people – guess what I’ve got– go on, oh, you’ll never guess –I’ve only just gone & scored a gram of proper Walter White – cheeky line anyone
City Walter White! Where the fuck did you get that from babe
Larry Its coming in through the Chinese students
Lily Nice one… I haven’t had any of that in years
Larry Well, shall we partake in the booth, its pretty discreet really
Lily We’ll be with you in a minute
City That is a proper score Larry
Larry I thought so!
Exit City & Larry
Nelson I’ve got this feeling you’re pissed off with me or something
Lily Am I – I wonder why
Nelson We were only dancing
Lily Your hands were all over her – & you’ve got a semi -I should have left you to rot in jail, life’s a struggle enough without letting fucked-up muppets like you into it
Nelson But baby, you’re the green mint triangle in the quality street box of my emotions – the semi is because I’m talking to you
Lily Is it
Nelson Of course it is, our bodies are connected, like, spiritually
Lily I’m really sorry – I’m not the jealous type, but I’ve only just found ya & I’m terrified of losing ya
Nelson Come here
Lily & Nelson embrace
Lily It’s not a semi anymore
Nelson Come on, lets have that line
Exit a loved-up Lily & Nelson / Enter TC & Stacey luvd up
TC Yo Brooklyn!
Brooklyn Whats happening bro?
TC Hold the decks for a couple of tunes will ya, me & Stacey are gonna have a dance
Brooklyn No worries – & by the way, I’m proud of ya – you’re doing a wicked job pal, totally saved the day
TC It’s what I do, innit – I’m glad you asked me anyway, its kind of alright, this disco malarkey – gizza cuddle
TC & Brooklyn embrace
Stacey Come on gaylord, lets boogie
SOLARIZED
TC I cannot pretend You don’t have a dart It shot thro the smoke & shatter’d my heart Yes I know this is always The way of the ravers When you’re dancing for fun Then some honey blows you away In every way
I’m hypnotized I’m making a bed in her eyes I’m solarized She might be the love of my life!
She is dancing
Stacey We are dancing…
TC Is this all a game Some chemical ruse My soul is aflame It burns for my muse She inspires me these fires Are eternally blazing When shes dancing for me She can see that she blows me away In every way
I’m hypnotized She’s siftin’ the love from the lies I’m solarized She might be the light of my life
She is dancing
Stacey & TC We are dancing…
Katie & Krissie start chatting up Brooklyn at the decks & distract him
TC I’m open to something excepting evasive sensations The twilight is over her solar eyes blow me away In every way
I’m hypnotized I think that I’ve just realized I’m solarized I’ve danced with the love of my life O yes she is There’s no doubt about it O yes she is I’m gonna scream & shout it O yes she is There’s no doubt it No doubt about it
The Silver Strobes are singer Aletia, keyboardist Primrose & guitarist Roger – Primrose & Roger start setting up their gear
TC {picking up mike} Sorry about that people – yer next tune’s coming right up
Aletia {grabbing mike} & it will be being played by the Silver Strobes, thank-you
TC Who the fuck are you
Aletia We’re the band, the Silver Strobes, where’s DJ Brooklyn
Brooklyn That’s me, I’m Brooklyn
Aletia You booked us to play tonight, right
Brooklyn I did, but, you’re a bit late don’t you think
Aletia Apologies for our tardiness, but its never too late for some funktastic live disco
Roger We’re in
Aletia OK – la music sil vous plait
***
KATHMANDU
We’re setting the floor on fire We’re setting the room on fire We’re setting the roof on fire We’re setting the house on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
We’re setting the land on fire We’re setting the skies on fire We’re setting the world on fire We’re setting us all on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
I’m a disco lover & I’m breakin’ it down Like a good time lover when the sun goes down & all ya fun lovin’ people gonna hit the floor Hit the floor hit the floor When ya want some more break it down
When the dealers fix us up & the dj picks it up all the minxes sex it up It’s a disco mix it up
Shes foxy shake it down Hes rockin all over town One fun-funk family kinky disco energy
When the bass lines burn it up & the faces turn it up Theres a heatwave on the floor We’re the kids in a candy store
Hit the dance floor crank it up Tinky disco crank it up Hit the dance floor crank it up Spin around & spank it up
We’re setting the spheres on fire We’re setting the moon on fire We’re setting the sun on fire We’re setting us stars on fire
Summon us inside of you Up in the hills of Kathmandu
The crowd show massive appreciation – lights go up at the end of the song – Brooklyn takes the mike
Brooklyn Wow, that was astounding, but times up people, its 3AM – thanks for coming down everybody & I’ll see you next time
The crowd moan their dissaffection
Brooklyn There’s nothing I can do about it, guys, shit happens – but remember, you’ve all been living legends tonight & I’ll see you at the next Wildcat Production
Aletia Right, that’ll be 600
Brooklyn You what – I’m not paying you 600 bucks for one fucking tune
Aletia Look Brooklyn, we signed a contract when you booked us – there was no stipulation as to how long we played, just as long as we played,
Brooklyn Look, right here you, – this is Scotland, you cant get away with that bullshit up here
Roger Look sunshine, ya gonna pay us a what
Brooklyn I aint paying ya £600 for one song
Primrose But the crowd were loving it
Brooklyn They were enjoying it, yeah, but they weren’t loving it – let me show you how high proper love from crowd can go – gimme that fuckin mike – TC – spin that shit
TC starts playing a cheezy disco track
Brooklyn No, no, no, not disco, I mean some proper deep hip-hop beats bro
TC Gotcha
***
IN DA HOUSE
TC All the girlies in the house go yo (yo)
Brooklyn Hand by hand we threaten this land Making excuses just to expand Twisted earth twisted land DJ Brooklyn wants demands
From Edinburgh streets our memories bleed Our bodies share the same scars Metal tubes that we call cars Ruin the skies & natures past
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn Green grass throughout the land New presidents elected ain’t so grand Hold the world in warm hands Iceberg cities melts into sand Sewing the seeds for creative needs Beneath dark streets the light is weak DJ Brooklyn escapes with weed Ignoring their fake news news news feeds
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn We go where the wildlife flows Following it down low, low, low
TC All the girlies in the house say yo (yo)
Brooklyn This is the way it should be Work together & we’ll be free
TC What ya saying Brooklyn!
Brooklyn This is the way it should be Work together & we’ll be free Split nations on their knees Crumpl’d spirits we will not be
Crowd DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, Comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s comin at ya two-time stylin’ DJ Brooklyn, in Da House, He’s the man…..
Brooklyn I’m the man…..
Enter Copper 1 & Copper 2 who switch off the music with a scratch / the crowd moan their dissaffection
Copper 1 We’ve been having complaints
Nelson Not you two again
Copper You can hear these tunes in the Grassmarket, we’re pulling the plug
Brooklyn Alright mate, its game over, no sweat
Copper 1 If we hear another peep we’ll confiscate all the equipment
Copper 2 We’ll be watchin’ you lot
Copper 1 He means listening
Copper 2 Yeah, & watching as well
Copper 1 Behave yourselves
Nelson {to exiting Coppers} Nobheads
Aletia We still want paying by the way
TC & me, Brooklyn
Brooklyn Alright, alright – here’s three hundred for you Aletia, thanks for coming, it was your car that broke down, not mine… here’s your five hundred TC, like promised, plus twenty for the pills, plus another twenty for four more cos looking at those two {pointing at Katie & Krissie doing an erotic lesbo dance} I’m gonna need em
TC Look guys – fuck the po-lice, this party aint finished, lets all go down Leith Links – I’ll get a taxi to mine, pick up mi power speakers – they’re battery powered
Hamish What about the Criminal Justice act of 1994
TC What’s that
Hamish Its when they bann’d gatherings characterised by the emission of a succession of repetitive beats – its still in force mate, even in Scotland
TC There’s a change of plan, we’re going up Arthur’s Seat instead – they’ll never get the meatwagons up there
Brooklyn Yeah, man, let’s bag up these vibes and snort a fat one
Stacey Wo-hoo – there aint no-one gonna stop us raving baby!
SCENE 9: Edinburgh
Leith from Arthur’s Seat
CRIMINAL INJUSTICE
Exit everybody / they enter the Cowgate / the police are watching on
Brooklyn These are our streets These are our Scottish streets & we can dance here if we want to Midst the boulevards & fountains But if I’m in the mountains Making music with my friends They can brand us tinky criminals I guess that just depends Upon your laws No we don’t need them anymore Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for I said hello Let’s dance like 1994 Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for
The party reach the Scottish Parliament / Holyrood Palace area
Nelson After the rave There is a melody Something has changed singing for you and me After the rave I’ll find the better me I know I’ll survive Cos when I look to the skies I feel I’m feeling alive Because I’m back with my tribe
The party moves into Holyrood Park
TC These are our beats These are our precious beats & we can dance here if we want to Midst the fauna & the heather But when comes the paranoia Of the government alarms we can stick it to the lawyers From our eco-friendly farms I said hello, lets dance like 1994 Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for & all your laws No we don’t need them anymore Cos its the rave We’ve been waiting for
The party reach the top of Arthur’s Seat
Lily After the rains Then comes the rainbow Something has changed There is a new hope After the rave We’ll shoot a telescope Up, up to the skies Where I’m back with my tribe
Everybody After the dark There is a synergy Up with the lark Singing for you and me After the rave We’ll share a memory I open my eyes & as I look to the skies I see I’m feelin alive
After the rains Then comes the sun again We can obtain Light in the world of men Into my veins just like a medicine I’m feelin alive because I’ve opened my eyes
The Conchordia Folio 
