SCENE 9
Club Armageddon is being held at the centre of the sun X-Factor style
CLUB ARMAGEDDON
God, Gabriel, Whore of Babylon
Ladies & gentlemen
have we got a show for you
Down at the Armageddon dome,
& this is what we do
Gabriel,
We got the pimp-ass Shiny Riders
Whore of Babylon
& the rinky-dinky Soul Stars
God
But don’t forget to buy a drink
From one of our slinky bars
From polyphonic prostitutes
To pastors in their plastic suits
Fellow hearts in mellow places
Come on in & celebrate us
To the hotline of our peers
Take a seat & lend your ears
Blow the fever of your fears away
God
It’s the Battle of the Millennium
The world’s most fearless show
There’s a cloud of lethal radium
& which way will it blow
Whore of Babylon
Will it linger on the planet
Gabriel
& make a demon race
God
Or will it blow right out o there
& vanish without a trace
Succulent as fresh tomatoes
Young rent boys & old castratos
Devil nuns & Benedictines
Come on in with all the piss’d teens
Take your seat among the crowd
Prepare for deep songs fast & loud
To blow the bullshit from your fears today
God,Gabriel, Whore of Babylon
Ladies & gentlemen
Have we got a show for you
Come down to the Armageddon dome,
& this is what we do
Gabriel
First up is the Shiny Riders
Whore of Babylon
Then the rinky-dinky Soul Stars
God
& dont forget to buy a drink
From one of our slinky bars
Gabriel, Whore of Babylon
No, dont forget to buy a drink
From one of our slinky bars
God
Ladies & gentlemen, the Shiny Riders
Enter the Shiny Riders
SHINY RIDER
Every man and woman is a shiny rider
Every man and woman psychejelly spider
Every man and woman is a star says black sun
Every man and woman little particle fractal
Every man and woman grab a piece of the action
Every man and woman is a chain reaction
Shiny Rider x4
Shiny Rider gonna slip inside yer mind
now you know you gotta go
Shine on yer lover x 3
Well blow my soul away
Every time I sit to see you shine
Every man and woman got the invitation
Every man and woman its a celebration
Every man and woman offer peace opinion
Every man and woman is a slinky ninja
Every man and woman got the rider in ya
Shiny Rider x4
Shiny Rider gonna slip inside yer mind
now you know you gotta go
Shine on yer lover x 3
Ya shit hot anyway
Every time I stop to see ya shine
Exit the Shiny Riders
God
A big round of caterwaulin’ applauding for the pimp-ass Shiny Rider boys, thank you very much, that performance was as pristeen as my mind – now we’ve got a real treat for ya’ll now – ladies & gentlemen – the Soul Stars
Enter the Soul Stars
SOUL STAR
Now’s the time to make a change, throw your souls into the air,
Way up there they shine like diamonds & they’re made up like the moon
& they sparkle thro’ the gloom with effervescent glory,
I’m gonna find out for myself, you’d better find out for yourself…
See the souls become the stars, Venus Mercury & Mars
Cannot stop this spatial streamin’ with the wizard ship in tow,
Kinda crazy geezer knows that the effervescent glory
Is gonna help me to believe, it better help ya to believe
That the Soul Stars are in season
& oops I beg yer pardon! I thought this was the Garden of Eden…
See the stars fall from the skies, rest so gently in thine eyes,
Hear the sighs of people sailin’ to the sands of Evermore,
They are bliss’d out by the shore with effervescent glory,
I’m gonna dance there on sea-shells, we’re in a trance where we’re ourselves …
Now’s the time to take the change, Soul Stars each & every one,
When the sun is at its summit, when is dancing life itself,
When is music more that health? When effervescent glory
& the rain & the flower & the sun & the love of ev’ryone
Will make the Soul Stars bloom this season,
& oops I beg yer pardon! I thought this was the Garden of Eden
& oops I beg yer pardon! Welcome to the Jester’s Garden…
‘Cos there’s a Soul Star shinin’ at just the right time,
I’m gonna catch me a Soul Star,
There’s a Soul Star fallin’ at just the right time,
I’m gonna catch me a Soul Star…
GOD
{spoken}
This is the end, my friends, the one
Reason to watch this show is done
So, press a button, clap your hands
& cheer your hearts out for these bands
Enter Shiny Riders & Soul Stars
If Shiny Riders are thy choice
Come celebrate them with wild voice
But if Soul Stars more your fancy
Come let your wild applause flow free
Be careful to deliberate
For in your vote lies all your fate
Enter Satan with a bazooka / the Shiny Riders all draw weapons & take the Soul Stars hostage
God
Jeez, jake, what a snake
Satan
Shut up Big Man ! You arre such a solid bringer-downer?” – I’ve had enough of your batshit bullshit – now I’ve got me one of those bad-ass nuclear bazookas, & with just an intsy wincy little flick from my trigger-finger, I’ll blow this whole sunshine provider to the backside of the universe, ya dig?
God
I dig
Satan
Daddy o I’m ready to go, all your hypes just a bunch of tripe – I came here looking for a little fun, so why don’t you cats dance to the tune of my gun, & give my boys the hard-earn’d victory – the soul of the Human Race will never be won by honest competition – that’s one nasty, fuck’d up species ya’’ll created,
Enter Jesus
Jesus
Hey man, relax, chill out, why ya being such a drag
Satan
You two can cool it while I rule it – the Human Race is your mistake, you made them bad then tried to make them good – no way, man – they’re just plain bad, & they’re gonna stay bad, ya dig – now, Big Man, before you freeze on the flying trapeze, shout out my sinners as the winners – before I do something we’re all gonna regret
Enter Elvis Presley
All this stud’s laying down is a deuce of demons, because he don’t spread nothing but thins on the line – put that gun down, boy, & listen up good – there ain’t nobody else but the King who’s the king? Hey, Shaun Ryder, you’ve got the right hammer but you use the wrong nail. And you, Ian Brown, you’re picking up nickels and laying down dimes but your bounce is beat and sour as limes. – I’m a hipper cat, understand – these days I’m utilised, digitalised, & immortalised; all the Hindoos thrive to my jive, all the Islams move on my groove, & the Buddhists, well, they just dig my lyrics – the Soul of the Human Race should not be decided by some astro-theological hunkum-punkum hocus pocus – Big Man in the sky ! Bad man in the ground, no way, jose, the Soul of the Human Race is music, & as the King of music, I say why don’t just let everybody dance… hit it
Elvis sings Hound Dog – everyone has a massive rave – after a while Satan stops the music & points the bazooka at Elvis
Satan
Well, Elvis Presley, if you’re the King, I’m holding the ace, now
God
Aw, just fuck off Satan
Jesus punches Satan – everyone cheers & the music continues
THE HEAVENLY UH-UH
In a
chorus –
c / g/ d/ em / c /d e major
I’m Elvis Aaron Presley
I’m better than Bez me
Electrical as Tesla
& who the fucks George Ezra
A ninja kid from Nashville
My destiny was ask’d to
Fill the planet’s magic
Like a NASA sadget
Now it’s all gone tits up at the Centre of the Sun
I am the only one
Who can save the day, uh-huh
uh-huh
uh-huh
uh-huh
I went from fresh apprentice
To the messiah from Memphis
No-one could never not groove
To my funky-punk moves
They thought me quite infernal
Cos Satan was my Colonel
So, beam me to the future
I’m screaming retribution
You should have let me play in Italy & Spain
But you lied & you cheated your way
Thro’ my given days, uh-huh
uh-huh
uh-huh
uh-huh
You got to keep on
Push down the pylons
Set off the fire alarms
Then keep the beat strong
& let your feet stomp
You’ve got to keep on keepin’ on
& when were one in revelry
That’s you & me in harmony
& when we’ve gone & harmoniz’d
We’ll get the feeling feeling really nice
You & me in harmony
mM & you
I’ve hunted like a hound dog
I’m fronting for a new god
You cannot hide, it’s too late
You’re going to the Pit, mate
With all of your freemasons
& idiotic racists
Hear my funky strumming
I’m the Second Coming
Giving all your bad advice is struck off for all time
Cos Satan & hatred rhyme
You must fade away, uh-huh
uh-huh…
You must fade away, uh-huh
uh-huh…
You must fade away, uh-huh
uh-huh…
{Satan fades away until he dissapears}
Elvis
{To the whore of Babylon}
But you, baby, you can stay – hit it
Elvis & the Whore of Babylon do a dance duet – the rest of the cast form a dance troupe
If you will feel us noise up your dealers
Knock back tequilas
& hit the dance floor
That’s what this songs for
It wont be long before we’re one
Cos when weve gone & harmonized
We’ll get the feeling feeling really nice
You & me that’s harmony
Me & you….
Everybody stand up
Theatres & night clubs
But if you’re stuck in prison
Turn up your television
Rock & Roll Apocalypse
Kickin’ in as it rips
Thro’ all your psyches
Princes, pimps & pikeys
Dancing has releas’d us
Flashy fashionistas
Heroin & High Kings
Valium & Vikings
Ecstasy Egyptian
DMT prescription
LSD Iraqi
Where’s the waccy-baccy
Gabriel’s got cocaine
God has got a crack grain
Jesus got his weed out
Everybody freak out
Yes, I’ve got my skunk out
Everybody funk now
This Rock & Roll Apocalypse is pretty near the end
& its time for Elvis to ascend
To the Heavenly, uh-uh
Finale to church bells
EPILOGUE
Bez is waking up Shaun
Bez
Shaun, wake up, for fuck’s sake, wake up!
Shaun
Bez – woah !
Bez
You’re on stage in half an hour mate, ya need to get up
Shaun
Fuckin hell, that was one mad trip
Bez
What was
Shaun
That dream I’ve just had, you were Satan, Rowetta was the Whore of Babylon & I was up front for the Four Horsemen of the fuckin’ Apocalypse
Bez
What the fuck have you been smoking
Shaun
It must have been that stuff what Kermit gave me
Bez
Kermit – they found him belly dancin’ naked in the hare krishna kitchen – he was off his head, anywhere, come on, get yer shit together, this gig’s gonna be fuckin’ bangin’
Shaun
I’m gonna need a hit of something first tho’
Bez
Ee’ya, bang a couple of these down yer neck & lets go
Shaun
I fucking love you Bez – you’re always there for me when I need ya
Bez
Come on yer dick!
Exit Bez & Shaun
The Conchordia Folio 