SCENE 7: Leith

It is 3AM / TC & Nelson are wandering the empty streets TC Right then you muggy little cunt, have you figured out how are you gonna pay me back yet? Nelson Whaddayamean TC You know, kid, the dosh, the cash, the mulah, the readies, the dollars, whatever you call it in Peebles… show me the fuckin’ money Nelson Money, don’t exist mate – it was made up by the governments to control the workers TC Do you live in doolalleyland or summat – money must exist cos you’ve just spent mine – you really do need to sort out what is turning out to be an extremely dangerous financial fuck-up, pronto Nelson Well, we could do a bit of busking, can you play guitar TC Course I can play guitar, do I look like a complete facking numpty Nelson Well, can you get one TC You can always get a guitar on the Cowgate – hang on a minute Exit TC for a few moments while he ‘acquires’ a guitar TC Here we go, so what shall we play Nelson How about some nineties music TC What like Happy Mondays, Stone Roses or summat Nelson Nah, more uptempo, like 2Unlimited TC Ah – got ya, you can be the hat boy Nelson What’s that? TC Just go round with ya hat innit TC & Nelson play No Limits – Nelson goes round the audience with his hat attemptig to whip up some money TC So how did we do Nelson {looking in hat} Fuckin’ shite pal TC Lets try another one – Pump Up The Jam – it’s a banger TC & Nelson play Pump Up The Jam TC Any better Nelson I’m afraid not TC Fucks sake, we’ll never make any money at this rate Nelson Mate, there’s more to life than cash, y’know TC Like what Buddhism, Gouranga, enlighten me! MONEY, MONEY, MONEY Nelson Money, when ya got it, ya just blow it When ya need it, ya aint got it When ya want it, ya can’t have it & nobody gives a damn About all those people Who are so obsess’d with greed I think if I stole their credit cards Their very souls would bleed But above all else, the strangest thing I find to be real funny Is that love is real & real is real But there’s no such thing as money Money, money, money… TC Look mate, stop pissin’ about with that singin’ shit, you owe me, so how ya gonna sort it Nelson Dunno TC Well, look, I’ve got an idea… there’s a house brick… there’s a jewellers… now do the maths… Nelson I went down to the jewellers With a house-brick in my hand, I chuck’d it thru the windah & I snook myself a grand, I heard sirens to the left & I heard violence to the right, I aint ever felt so funky as in the city tonight Cos I’d rather be a monkey in a tree Than a flunky of a fuckt up society Nelson & TC {Nelson gives TC jewels} Money, money, money TC Fuckin real do Nelson… there’s more than enough here… let’s have a bit of fun… can you play pool Nelson Is a copper bent! TC & Nelson go to a Pool Hall – The General is there TC We went to play the tables On the shady side of town, I met the cool pool gen’ral, All the hustlers gather’d round, I potted trick-shots to the left, I potted fluke-shots to the right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pool hall tonight… Cos I’d rather be a dolphin in the sea Than a captain of the rock aristocracy Nelson, TC, Chorus Money, money, money… Coppers raid pool-hall – TC puts his hat on The General’s head – makes a sharp exit as Nelson & The General are arrested Coppers Well hello sunshine, how do you do You got the face that fits the crime & son we’re after you You might be pretty, you might be a cat But in my city be a diplomat Cos this country is a queen bee & we workers make her honey So do the time & pay the fine & hand over all your money All Money, money, money… Coppers drag Nelson & General to Police station Nelson So they dragg’d me to the station Where I knew I couldn’t fail, “Take those fuckin cuffs off me & let me out on bail!” I had tit-head to mi left & I had nipple-head to mi right, I aint ever felt so funky As in the pig-house tonight Cos I’d rather be somebody like me Than a flunky of this fuckt up society {Copper 2 leads the general to the cells} Or a dentist, a doctor, fly a helicopter Butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker Poet, teacher, prophet or a preacher, Healer, dealer, spiritual believer, Shunter, hunter your average punter Lawyer, a copper, who’d wanna be a copper? Ticket inspector, comic collector, A gambler, a busker, a dirty dawg hustler A milkman, a cleaner, drive a limousine A wannabe punk or a skunkweed smoker A looker, a hooker, a real mother fucker, A buddha, a boxer, a rollercoaster Bingo-caller, lazy crazy pot-head doler Alas, o woe is me… Co they’re all addicted to the money, money, money All Money, money, money….

SCENE 8 – Leith Police Station

Copper 1 is checking Nelson into custody Nelson {fidgety} Yo copper… what the hell have you arrested me for?! Copper 1 There was a burglary at a jewellers last night – cctv cameras picked up images of a couple of men, one of which strongly resembles yourself Nelson It has to be a stitch up… I’ve only just rolled into town Copper 1 Looks like you’ll be rolling straight into prison son Copper 2 returns Copper 2 That’s your mate cosied up for the night, now it’s your turn – just how high are you? Nelson Hi, how are you Copper 2 No, I said HOW HIGH ARE YOU – you’re clearly under the influence of narcotics – you can’t keep still Nelson I’m nervous… Copper 1 I think we’ll need to give you a drugs test laddie, just put this wee swab under your tongue Nelson Bloody hell… what is this shit Copper 2 This shit, as you so rudely put it, is procedure… just give us the swab TC gives Copper 2 the swab, who puts it in machine / a few seconds pass / machine starts to flash & whirr Copper 2 Bloody hell! You’ve broke it, what exactly have you taken tonight TC Just a couple of rennies, that’s all Copper 1 You’ll kill yourself if you carry on at this rate, mate TC Yeah – whatever – I’m allowed a phone call right Copper 2 Of course, that is the law Nelson Give us one then Copper 1 I’m afraid we will have to dial the number – do you have it Nelson Sure – it’s on my phone, it’s the last one diall’d Copper 1 dials the number / at the Lilypad, Lily answers Lily Who the fuck’s that… do you know what time it is Copper 1 Sorry about that madam… I’m calling from Leith Police station… I have a young man called Nelson here, he says he is a friend of yours… {Lily hangs up} I’m afraid she has hung up Nelson Nah, surely not… she must have been cut off – try again Copper 1 repeats the call – gets to answer machine Copper 1 It’s the answering machine – you can leave her a message Nelson Cool, hold the handset up for us please ALIBI Nelson I never did it, They got the wrong guy & I’m tellin’ ya girl We’re too young to die & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say You were with me yesterday Be my Alibi I didn’t do it Why would I lie I am an honest man Just look into my eyes when you can & I’m beggin’ ya darlin say We were loving the night away Be my Alibi Now I’m down on my knees as I pray Please don’t throw our love away Be my Alibi x 4 Copper 2 Right, times up lad, off to the cells with ya, Nelson I don’t believe this… why the fuck did I ever listen to mad bitch Brenda Copper 2 Come on lad, this way Exit copper 2 & Nelson

SCENE 9 – Police cell

There are two  prisoners, one asleep under a blanket, one is the General – Copper 1 escorts Nelson into his cell Copper 1 In you get – now behave yourself General Alright mate Nelson Alright General What’s ya name again, kid Nelson Nelson General O yeah, that’s right, you’re a mate of TC’s – fucking wanker – he puts his hat on my head, scarpers, then all of a sudden I’m arrested Nelson Unlucky General & those dodgy coppers nicked all mi drugs n’all… so what you in for kid? Nelson They think I smashed up some jewellers General Did ya? Nelson That particular fact is not important, but my night is ruined now… who the hell do they think they are, taking away my liberty like that General Eh, kid, your being here & my being here, they’re not… connected… are they? Cos if they are… Nelson How do I know, pal… mi heads in bits & I need a fuckin spliff – I’m not even from this shithole of a city – everyone’s either posh as fuck or off their faces on drugs… I wish I’d never even come to Edinburgh in the first place – I’d be home right now, safely tucked up in bed Brenda At least you’ve got a bed Nelson Woah, Brenda, what the fuck are you doin’ here Brenda Listened to my own advice, thought I’d check out the big city, Nelson What did ya get arrested for? General Personal hygiene Brenda I got arrested for beating up the last little fanny ba’s who commented on my personal hygiene – alright – anyway, its been a while since I was in town & I forgot there were some outstanding sherrif’s court bullshit floating around from the last time Nelson Gutted Brenda Nae worries… don’t mind really, the squat down the Old Town I used to doss in has been knocked down & turned into student flats – at least I’ve got a roof over me head for the night…. Nelson Lucky you Enter Copper 1 Copper 1 I thought you miscreants might want a cup of tea Nelson Fuck off fuzz Copper 1 I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that – here you are, there’s a drink each General {trying tea} Uuugh… what the fucks that supposed to be Copper 1 Tea Nelson That’s not tea, that’s rat piss Copper 1 Whatever it is, that’s all you are getting – this isn’t the Scotsman hotel – if you want a decent cup of tea STAY OUT OF TROUBLE Exit copper General Listen pal, ya just havin’ a yang son – for every yang there’s a yin just waiting on the horizon – don’t worry yourself about the boys in blue, it’ll soon blow over, unless you’ve murdered someone or summat Nelson Nah… it’s just… I’ve only just gone & met the love of my life, haven’t I – & now I’m banged-up in this bloody place Brenda The love of your life… what’s she called Nelson Ehhm, shes call’d, eehm, well I can’t actually remember, but she’s drop-dead gorgeous & sound as a pound – I think I’m in love Brenda Love! You don’t even know her name General That’s the drugs talkin’ that is…. ecstasy specs are a lot more powerful than beer-goggles – you can go to bed with a ten out of ten & wake up with a two Nelson I know that – I’ve never gone to bed with a minger, but I’ve woken up with a few… but this time, it was the real thing, the real deal – it was love, I could feel it Brenda That was just yer hard-on, Nelson, you men are all the same, all you do is think with yer nobs, & that’s why yer fuckin nobs Nelson Nah Nah Nah– I love her,  & she loves me too, I know she does – but I’ve just gone & used my one phone call to talk to her & she just hung up on me – blown me out – I can’t believe it, I was sure she felt the same Brenda She might have done mate, but girls are complex creatures – do you not know that, have you not had a girlfriend before… Nelson Yeah, loads Brenda How long did the longest last Nelson About three weeks Brenda Exactly, mate, you’re flippin’ useless – Nelson I’m just keeping my options open General Don’t blame ya – being with a woman is like being in a minefield – one false step & ‘Kerboom’ Brenda Boys, boys, boys – to truly understand a woman you’ve got to think like a woman – you gotta give her time, be sensitive to her feelings – she might come round in the end – & when she does, there are three things you must always show her Nelson What are they then? Brenda Faith, love & understanding FAITH, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING Brenda It’s a right time, it’s a right, right time, Right time to show how yer feelin’, You want to share your life But life can be so demanding, This is the day, now what a day, come alive, Lay down & bear up your soul, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Brenda {singing to General} It’s a fine time, it’s a fine, fine time, Fine time fer huntin’ for fireflies, Future seems far away But future is always pendin’, This is the night, now what a night, Come around, Wake up & answer her call, All she wants is a little bit of faith, love & understanding Some people love to lead their life Some people like to wait But destiny is bullshit, girl, I don’t believe in fate & I wont I’m lie sick & tired of seeking something new Gonna act upon the chemistry And see this love thing thro Nah, Nah, Nah… Nelson I’ve stopped lookin’ for today But I’ll be searchin’ til tomorrow I don’t wanna feel no pain I just wanna find my way Thro these fields of pain & sorrow Will I feel her love again Nah, Nah, Nah… Copper 1 {banging on door} Shut that bloody racket – its lights out now General Nobheads Nelson Cheers for the advice lady… but I don’t know if I’ll be takin it… last time I listened to you look where I ended up! Brenda Fair enough mate… sleep on it tho’, eh? Nelson Will do pal General You <points to Brenda> don’t come anywhere near me, ya dig? Brenda What you on about… I can tell you want me General Yes I do want you – I want you to leave me a-fucking-lone Brenda But, sugartits, I know how to, y’know, please a man General Well please leave me a-fucking-lone – goodnight Nelson Get a room you two