SCENE 6
Hotel Samos / the guests are arriving / enter Grandad, Gran & Jackie, who is carrying all the bags
Jackie
Mum, dad, I’m gonna be reyt happy when both your lumbagos clear up
Gran
Ee, so will I pet, so will I
Grandad
I don’t think mine’ll ever clear up our kid
Manager
Ola – welcome to Hotel Samos, your names please
Grandad
Were the Brogden party, from Burnley
Manager
Can you spell that, please
Gran
Brogden – b, r, o, g, h, d, e, n – the h is silent
Grandad
It’s the only bit of her that is
Gran
Oi shut up, you
Manager
Ah yes, here you are – frank & Freida Broghden – & you must be Jaqueline, si
Jackie
Yep, that’s me
Manager
So, I have you in a family room, is that OK
Jackie
What, all of us in one room, together
Manager
Si
Jackie
I am not getting in a room with my dad, as you say in Spain no way Jose, my mam can put up with his snoring but I don’t bloody have to – I want my own room
Manager
Well, there are some singles available
Jackie
I’ll take one
Grandad
Just put it on the same tab, the guy who’s paying for everything, Donald Belmarsh
Manager
Ah yes – Mister Belmarsh – very well
Gran
Excuse me
Manager
Si
Gran
How fluffy are your pillows
Manager
Que
Gran
Your pillows – they’re not going to be too hard are they, I won’t be able to get off to sleep
Manager
We can arrange soft pillows for you, madame, so here are your key cards – you two are in room 374 – on the third floor – & you, Jaqueline, are on teh same floor, six doors down, room 380 – the lifts are over there
Jackie
Thank you very much
Grandad
What’s a bloody key card
Jackie
Dad, I’ll show you when we get upstairs – come on let’s go – thank-you very much
Gran
Wait a minute, excuse me, how do the meals work
Manager
You are all half board, which means breakfast is 7.30 until 10 AM – a full buffet, help yourselves to anything – the evening meal is the same hours – 7.30 until ten – also, please use the swimming pools & there will also be games & entertainment throughout the day, so welcome & please enjoy your stay at the Hotel Samos
Grandad
Real do – I’ve been looking forward to this
Jackie
Come on
Gran
It’s very posh innit
Jackie
Yeah it’s very nice
Gran
It’s just like walking on polish’d marble, it’s lovely
Enter Cool Pool General & Brenda – their body language is awkward
General
Oi! Oi! Guys! Guys!
Grandad
Oh, it’s the bloody General – alright lad
General
Alright Pops
Gran
Hello Brenda, are you alright, love
Brenda
I’m alright, yeah, it’s nice to finally get here – & he’s been doing my head in
General
Well, we’re here now, aren’t we babe – & I’m loving it already – proper scorchio
Jackie
We all need a bit of fun in the sun sometimes
Gran
You check in over their love
Brenda
Ok – thanks – General come on
While Brenda & the General talk to the receptionist, enter Manuel & Lisa
Manuel
Well, hello people, & welcome to Hotel Samos – where are you from
Jackie
We’re from Burnley
Manuel
Burnley, oo, how exotic – my names Manuel, & this is my assistant, Lisa
Lisa
Ola
Manuel
We are the entertainment officers here at the Hotel Samos – we are here to assist you all in having sooo much fun
Lisa
So much fun
Manuel
& so it’s time to sing you all a song
HOTEL SAMOS
Gran, Grandad, Jackie, General & Brenda join the sing-song / enter City, Don & Bulldog who go to the front desk
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Swimming pools & there’s sunshine baby
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos in the sun
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Archery & there’s dance class baby
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Everyone shake
(they pull of some shake moves)
City, Don & Bulldog join the sing-song – Enter Don Vito, Laura & Maria for desk
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Rifle range & there’s karaoke
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Magaluf’s not Britannia, baby
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Everyone jive
Don Vito, Laura & Maria join the sing-song – City, Lily, TJ & Nelson arrive at the desk
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Water games & there’s pub quiz baby
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
A holidays what the doctor order’d
Vamos, Vamos, to Hotel Samos
Everyone twerk
Don Vito, Maria & Laura join the sing-song
Everyone macarena
Big musical flourish / dance finale
SCENE 7
Brenda & the General’s hotel room
Brenda
General
Brenda
Morning babe – fucks sake, General wake up
General
What do ya want
Brenda
I want for you to wake up
General
What time is it
Brend
It’s just turn’d 8
General
Ah no way
Brenda
Its not that early – get up
General
I’m not interested
Brenda
You still sound drunk, you – are ya
General
I might be – a little bit
Brenda
I thought you only went out for a couple with – what time did you actually get in
General
Ehm – ehm – we might have accidentally walked into the strip & stayed there til 5 – or maybe 6
Brenda
Jesus – so what about our first breakfast here in Spain – you know the romantic one we’d talk’d about
General
I’ve had a kebab
Brenda
A kebab, for fucks sake General
General
I don’t need any more food – I feel sick – I just want to stay here & sleep
Brenda
I can’t believe you got so slaughter’d on your first night – well I can actually, you’re just a selfish fucknig bell-end
General
It’s not my fault
Brenda
Whose fault is it then
General
Its the mon that strip innit – every time you pass’d a new bar they’d entice you in with free shot – you know what I’m like I cannae say no to free booze
Brenda
{finding shirt)
Oh my god – you’ve puked up all over that new shirt I bought ya for your holidays – its ruined now,
General
O yeah – sorry about that – is there any chance we can talk about this later
Brenda
Id rather fucking not – I tend to forget scenes like these to protect my fucking sanity
{starting to leave}
I really don’t know what I’m doing with you, general, you told me you’d changed, you haven’t changed, well you have, you’ve chang’d for the worse
General
Leave me alone, will ya, my head hurts, please babe
Brenda
Babe, I’m not your fucking babe, im yer fucking mug – I cant live with ya, cant live without ya, but maybe I I can, y’know, I just need to do it, I cant cope with yer behaviour, – its like going out with a flippin teenager, honestly –
{General groans}
Anyway, I’m off for breakfast, then I’m gonna go into palma nova – Im not waiting around the hotel waiting for you to wake up
General
Babe, look, stop speaking so fucking loud, will ya
Brenda
{throwing something at the General}
Nob Head
SCENE 8
Grandad is in the dining room having breakfast with Bulldog
Bulldog
Will ya say that again, please, Pops
Grandad
Bloody Hell – wipe the muck out your ears & listen – if you plant horseradish near yer to your potatoes, that’s the best way to scare the bloody beetles off
Bulldog
I’ll give it a go yeah – & there’s also my broccoli – its getting completely savag’d by them fucking cabbage moths
Grandad
Well, you’ve got to plant mint – or better still, thyme – them cabbage moths can’t stand thyme – so how long do you steam your broccoli for young man
Bulldog
Oh, a good seven minutes
Grandad
Seven minutes! You only need 5 – yours’ll be soft as a sailor’s dick – you need to keep a bit of crunch – plus you don’t want to boil away all the healthy nutrients do ya
Bulldog
Enter Brenda with her breakfast
Brenda
Morning pops
Grandad
Alright Brenda, love, sleep well
Brenda
Yeah
Bulldog
I didn’t – there’s a nightclub right next door, they were all in the streets, laughing & joking &
Brenda
Enjoying their holiday, Bulldog
Grandad
Ah, it’s only the first night Bulldog, I’m sure you’ll get into the swing of things – I didn’t hear a peep
Bulldog
Where’s the General, Brenda
Brenda
He’s still sleeping – only got in a couple of hours ago – he’s still pissed – he’s doing my head in |& we’ve ojnly been her five minutes
Grandad
Like you just said yourself, Brenda sounds like he’s enjoying his holiday already, don’t worry about it
Brenda
Whatever – there’s a huge selection of food at the buffet, isn’t there
Grandad
Aye, there is that lass – I’ve finish’d off a fry up, already, & I’ve even tried some of those Majorcan breakfast meats – they’re lovely – anyway I’m gonna finish my coffee then go & a smoke my pipe by the pool – get some sunshine
Brenda
That’s great
Enter Lily & Nelson
Lily
Morning troops
Grandad
Morning
Lily
Don’t mind if we sit here
Grandad
Course not – the more the merrier
Lily
You alright Brenda?
Brenda
So-so
Lily
The General
Brenda
Aye – but I refuse to give a shit any more
Nelson
I’m just gonna get some food
Lily
Alright doll, I’ll be with you in a minute
Exit Nelson
Brenda
I’m gonna have a walk into Palma Nova after breakfast – wanna come
Lily
Sure, babe, I’ll have to get changed first, tho’
Brenda
I’ll meet ya in the main lobby, yeah, what, 10 o clock
Lily
Perfect – but first, I’m gonna take a looksee at what they’ve got
Exit Lily – enter Gran & Jackie, arm-in-arm
Jackie
Morning all
Gran
You were up early
Grandad
Always am, love
Jackie
It’s nice in here innit dad
Grandad
Yeah – they’ve got some right munchies in there like
Jackie
Oo – we’ll have a look shall we mam
Exit Gran & Jackie – enter Nelson with a mountain of food
Grandad
Bloody hell – what’s that
Nelson
Bit of everything mate
Grandad
That’s not food, that just
Nelson
Tasty as fuck pops
Grandad
Bloody hell
Nelson
{to Bulldog}
What you on wi today mate
Nelson
Dunno – I’m just gonna hang around the pool, I think, broken up by occasional visits to the bar
Nelson
Sounds fuckin bliss that – it’s great being on holiday, innit
Enter Lily
Lily
What the fuck is that
Nelson
Breakfast
Lily
Oh my god you’re such a pig
Nelson
& you’re a fucking budgie – all that food on offer & youve got what, a bit of toast and a bit of avocado, what w waste
Lily
Exactly, I’m watching my waist aren’t I – when India went half board to Lanzarote, she put on half a stone in a week
Grandad
& son, you don’t have to eat everything on offer – it is optional, y’know
Nelson
I just want to try everything they’ve got – but I tell you what – I don’t like these black puddings
Grandad
No, I don’t like ‘em either – there’s no black pudding like the bury black pudding – fatty or lean – that first time you bring it your mouth to bit it’s like standing at the very gates of heaven – & then you bit down & it’s like stepping thro’ the pearly gates themselves into paradise
Nelson
What the fuck are you on about, Grandad
Grandad
Best black pudding in the world, son
Nelson
{pausing in annoyance}
Of course, you would never have tried the Stornaway black pudding
Grandad
I have
Enter Jackie & Gran
Gran
Bloody hell that’s an impressive spread is that
Grandad
It is, love, yeah
Jackie
I’ll go get the brews – tea for you mam
Gran
Aye, love
Jackie
Want another coffee, dad
Gran
Yeah, I’m gonna take it to the pool, have it in the sun
Jackie
Brenda
Brenda
I’ll come with ya – give you an hand – might get a bit of fruit
Jackie
Right-o
Lily
Hey, Jackie, where’s your Barry
Jackie
O – him & Peanut are doing a job in Padiham – theyll get here when they’re done
Lily
It’ll be nice to see him
Jackie
Yeah
Exit Jackie & Brenda
Gran
Can everyone just be quiet a minute – dear Jimmy God, thank you for this wonderful breakfast & I’m sorry I’m eating these lovely smelling slices of bacon – I’m sure the soul of that little piggie is happier in heaven with you – amen
All
Amen
Nelson
Sooo… uph-uph-uph… talking of meat – Pops you were just saying that you’ve tried the Stornaway Black Pudding
Grandad
I have that
Nelson
Where
Grandad
When we went to Balmoral to see where the Queen lives
Gran
She weren’t in tho
Grandad
No she weren’t, was she
Nelson
So, Pops, if you’ve tried the Stornaway, why would you say that the Burnley black pudding is the best in the world
Grandad
Well, that Stornaway Pudding, it’s just a bit, well, salty innit
Nelson
{sliding his chair back}
It’s better than the stinkin’ offal you’ve got down Burnley, pal
Grandad
Oi! you had better watch your lip, young man
Nelson
&, eh, what ya gonna do about it,
Grandad
I might be old, but I drink down Burnley Miners – which means I’m hard as fuck – you’re way out of your league sunshine
Gran
Arthur, sit down – you’re embarrassing us
Grandad
Leave it, love – I’m defending the honour of Lancashire, here
Grandma
They taste same to me
Grandad
What you on about, those Scottish Black Puddings taste like they’ve been cook’d up somebody’s arsehole
Bulldog
Lads, lads, calm down, will ya
Nelson
I’m gonna gie ye one more chance, pal, I dont care how fucking old ye are
Grandad
Are you threatening me boy, I must warn you, I am a Karate assassin
Nelson
Listen to me you ancient piece of shit – I dare ya to diss my pudding one more time
Grandad
Your Stornaway black pudding… tastes… like… shite
A big fist-fight-food-fight ensues between Grandad & Nelson
Bulldog
Lads, lads, break it up will ya
Lily, Bulldog & Gran try to break them up – Jackie & Brenda arrive & try & help
Enter the Don
Don
{loudly}
Oi! Oi! You two – break it up – nah – what the fuck is going on here
Don breaks up the fight
Don
Oi, douchebags, the first thing I want you all to do is calm the fuck right dahn, nah
Nelson
Sorry Don
Don
We’re trying to keep a fucking low profile, here boys
Enter the Manager
Manager
What is going on here
Don
Mate, mate, its fine, it’s just a little bit of sunstroke. you know what I mean – it’s a bit of a shock to the British constitution, at first, this lovely sunshine you’ve got here
Manager
This behavior is completely unacceptable – you will have to leave the hotel
Don
I don’t think so, pal – I’ve paid a lot of money to be here – there’s about ten of us in this party – that’s a lot of moolah you’ll be losing – but I promise ya nah, there’ll be nothing like this happening again here, I promise you that nah
Manager
Let me speak in the language you English understand
{flashing a notepad}
This is your yellow card
Don
That’s white mate
Manager
You know what I mean – I’ll be watching you – like a fork
Don
You mean hawk
Manager
Yes, that is exactly what I mean – now behave yourselves from now on
Exit the Manager
Don
You fucking numpties
Nelson
I’m sorry, Don, we were just…
Don
What – causing a fucking scene – whatever beef you two have got, sort it out now
Grandad
Well, it’s not beef, it’s black pudding actually
Jackie
Dad!!
Don
I don’t care what it is – it’s over – everyone sit down & finish your breakfasts in peace – talking of which, I’m off to get mine
Gran
Not me – you are bloody embarrassment
Gran
But love – I was defending our
Gran
Zip it
Exit Gran
Jackie
Will you stop upsetting my mum
Exit Jackie
Grandad
Bloody hell
Lily
I’m sorry about my boyfriend, Don, he’s literally a moron – I’m off to my room
Brenda
I’ll chum ya
Nelson
I’ll be up in a bit babe
Lily
Take your time
Exit Brenda & Lily
Bulldog
Great start to the holiday this is
Nelson
Pass us the sauce grandad
Grandad
Here you are son
SCENE 9
The Hotel Samos pool – a Cockney male guest & his girlfriend are soaking in the sun- two other girls are on sunbeds
Cockney Male Guest
Bro, bro, bro, listen – you gotta pick up – I call you you & sometimes you’ll wait two hours before you call me back – you’re being a bitch about it – bro, you hold something against me, for what – that’s bitchin in its primest fine – why ya doing this to me – why u bitchin – I’m not even lying you sent me a text at 5 am bruv – really – is that really a part of your aim of life, it’s not your goal, bro – just quit your stance, yeah, & I’ll see ya when I’m back, yeah, right, peace
{to girlfriend}
Fackin idiot
Enter the Don & Bulldog
Don
Here we are Bulldog, lets takes these beds -yeah, nah there’s a lovely view
Bulldog
But it’s just a hotel building boss
Don
I’m not talking about the bricks,I’im talking about them two little sweethearts over there
Bulldog
Right
Don
Go & test the water for us will ya
Bulldog
What
Don
Test the fucking water, Bulldog
Bulldog
Alright, alright
Don
If it’s cold I aint going in
Exit Bulldog – Don starts getting changed – enter TC with some drinks
TC
Yo Don whats happening
Don
Where’ve you been all morning
TC
Mate, I was at that Euro superclub next door – oh my god, it was full of right fit birds like – I’ve been dancing for hours – I’ve got these seven move, right, & it’s amazing how many different combinations of them exist – I’ve even invented a new one
Don
What is it
TC
{pulling off a new move}
This, I call it number 8
Don
Not bad, not bad at all
TC
Don’t mind if I join ya
Don
Go ahead
TC
Yo Don, you’re getting a bit broad, mate, you’re like a two lane being widen’d to a four
Don
Fack off
TC
Sorry man, I’m still buzzing – I’m loving this sun like, & the sea-front’s way better than Portobello – are you liking Magaluf mate
Don
No, it’s shit
TC
What do you mean
Don
Well, it’s not Benidorm, is it – there’s fuck all open
TC
Well, it’s just off season, Don – there’ll be five times more bars & shops & restaurants & stuff open in a few wells
Don
Well, it’ll be five times more shit then, won’t it
Enter Bulldog
It’s lovely in there boss – a wee bit cool on the nads, but you get used to it – right ‘I’m gonna get drinks in – what you having boss
Don
I’ll have three straight lagers, right, pints of- lovely & cool with a nice white head on em – I’m gonna line ‘em up in a row & sink ’em glug glug glug
TC
Get us a whole rum & coke will ya mate
Bulldog
Is he having one
Don
Yeah – get him a drink
Bulldog
Right-o!
Exit Bulldog
TC
So, you’re sampling the local cerveza, are ya Don
Don
Cerveza
TC
Yes, cerveza, its Spanish for beer
Don
Were not in facking spain
TC
What do ya mean we’re not in Spain
Don
We’re not in Spain
TC
Yeah, we are
Don
No we’re not – we’re in Majorca
TC
Yeah, Majorca is a part of Spain
Don
Fack off
TC
It is
Don
What you on abaht – Spain is miles away across the sea ya numpty
TC
Don – I swear down mate – Majorca belongs to Spain
Don
Rubbish! What language they all speaking round here, then
TC
Spanish
Don
Fack off – theyre not speaking Spanish
TC
They are, honest
Don
Nah – they might be speaking Dago but it aint from Spain
TC
What about Northern Ireland, then
Don
What about Northern Ireland
TC
Right, Northern Ireland is part of the UK – but it’s separated from the rest of Britain by the Irish Sea
Don
Don’t get me started on the Irish – they bombed my nan’s chippy
TC
I thought that was the Germans
Don
Well, wherever the fack they were from, when I get my bleedin’ hands on them they’ll realise soon enough they’ve piss’d of the wrong facking family, alright
Bulldog returns with drinks & Nelson
Bulldog
Here we go lads
Nelson
Alright boys
Don
Have you calmed down nah, son
TC
Yeah Don, I’m sorry about that – I don’t know what it is about a stornoway black pudding, buthere in slated like that just trigger’d something, y’know, primal, likes
Don
I don’t know what all the fuss is about – black facking puddings, what’s that all about, suet & pig’s blood, sounds like some sick facker’s idea of a joke
Nelson
It just matters, Don, it’s weird, I know, but it just does
Don
I’ll tell you what we’ll do when I get back to Leith, I’m gonna set up the Great British Pudding off – invite the best black puddings of Burnley & Stornaway to town, then get some foreign tourists to judge whichever one’s the best – that should settle the matter forever, & there’ll be no more of that fist-fight-food-fight bullshit ever again
Bulldog
Sounds like a plan
Don
Just call me the peacemaker
Enter Don Vito
Don Vito
Ah Donaldo, bueno matina
Don
What
Don Vito
Good morning
Don
Ah, good morning
Don Vito
It is very beautiful, life in the Mediterranean, si
Don
It’s not bad Mr Vito, not bad at all
Don Vito
Well, last night I made contact with the, how you say, merchandise – there will be a full meeting at ten o’clock tonight
Don
Where
Don Vito
In the back of a karaoke bar
Don
Karaoke – I’m a fucking black belt in karaoke, me- right let’s have a look at these beers, shall we
Don drinks three beers in a row
Don
Bulldog, go & get some more fackin’ beers
Bulldog
Yes boss
Don
What you having Mr Vito
Don Vito
I am OK for now, thank you
Don
Suit yourself
Exit Bulldog
Don
Oi Nelson
Nelson
Yeah
Don
Rub some sun cream in my back will ya
Nelson
What
Don
Just facking do it
Nelson
Oh my god
Nelson rubs cream in the Don’s back
Don
Oh that’s facking lovely, Nelson
SCENE 10
Coyote Karaoke bar – City, Lily & Brenda are all murdering a song – Nelson, the General & TC are at a table watching on – the song finishes & the girls are like
Brenda
That was brilliant girls, let’s get a drink
Lily
I was well out of tune, I’m sure
City
You were great, dont worry about it, we smashed it, babe
Lily
Aw thanks
Brenda
What ya having Lily
Lily
I’ll have a pink gin & tonic please
City
I’ll help you Brenda
Brenda
Thanks
Lily
I’ll see if the boys want one
City & Brenda head for the bar – Lily heads for the boys
Lily
Enjoy that boys
Nelson
That was buzzing to fuck, thanks
TC does thumbs ups
Lily
Were just off to the bar – want a drink
Nelson
Nice one – lager for me please
TC points to a beer & nods
Lily
General, what’s your favorite drink
General
The next one
Lily
Which will be
General
Eh, lager
Lily
Right, three lagers it is
Lily heads for the bar
General
That was fucking awful that was
Nelson
I know
TC
{pulling ear plugs out}
Honestly, these silicone ear plugs are great, can’t hear a fucking thing -you just twist them in your ears – they’re brilliant
Enter Manuel
Manuel
Oo – hello boys – you’re staying at my hotel arent you
Nelson
Hello
TC
Alright mate
Manuel
Are you boys having fun
General
Yeah, it’s right enough
Manuel
I know, you have to love Shaagaluf, right – when you are, how you British say, up to your bollocks in rollicking & frolicking
Nelson
Do we say that
Manuel
Yeaaaaah – of course you do – so, my name is Im Manuel, do you remember
TC
Alright mate, I’m TC
General
& they call me the…
Manuel turns his back on the General to focus on Nelson
Manuel
So, handsome, where are you from
Nelson
Me
Manuel
Yeaaahh
Nelson
Eh, a place call’d Peebles,
Manuel
Peebles, oh my god, I love that place already, it sounds absolutely gorgeous – just like you
Nelson
Mate, what you doing
Manuel
I am just-a, saying, hello
Nelson
Mate – eh, I don’t mean to be rude or anything
Manuel
Oh, I like a bit of rudeness
Nelson
No, mate, I’m saying, I don’t think well, I play the same pool rules as you
Manuel
What do you mean
Nelson
Y’know, do two shots carry, do free balls go behind the line, you know what I’m saying
Manuel
No, I don’t
Nelson
Look, let me spell it out – I’m not gay, mate
Manuel
You’re not – are ya sure about that – this is not what my gaydar is telling me – but look, I am sorry, whatever you are mister mentally mixed up – what do you want to drink
Nelson
Well my GIRLFRIEND is just at the bar, getting one thinks
Manuel
Ah – you are living a lie – very well – enjoy the rest of the night honey
Enter Bobby
Bobby
Well, look who it is – the Keith Chegwin of rock n roll
Manuel
Well, well, well – look at what the cat dragg’d in – Le boeuf sur le toit
Bobby
Well, it’s better than le putain en forme de poire
Manuel
I hope you’re not singing tonight – when you sing it’s like being in a room full of women giving birth without anesthetic
Bobby
When you sing its like flinging a pot full of piss in the face of the public
Manuel
Ooh – well, your song selection is just an orgy of vulgar noise, there’s a few nice moments, but a lot of awful minutes
Bobby
Well, the way you carry a song to its awkward conclusion is like some crude monstrosity which, refusing to expire even when bleeding to death still thrashes around angrily & vainly with its tail
Manuel
Ooo – well, when you sing I need an umbrella – it’s for shower of shite that comes out of your mouth
Bobby
Do you know your vocal range
Manuela
Yeah, what of it, honey, jealous
Bobby
Nah – Its like you put all the notes of the song n a blunderbus & shoot them against a wall – they’re all over the place
Manuel
I’d rather hang myself than have your voice – it reminds me of the sound of a cat hung upside-down outside a window trying to cling to the glass with its claws
Bobby
Oo- you haughty-scorning bitch – well, listening to you reminds me of that renaissance painting of an Italian martyr whose intestines are slowly unwound from his body on a reel – anyway who’s he
This is Nelson – he’s with me
Nelson
No I’m not – I’m not with him & I’m not even gay
Bobby
Sure darling, that’s what they all say – I can tell by your pheromones that you’re chemically unbalanced
Nelson
What you on about
Bobby
Look, honey, as soon as you dip your toe in the gay pond, it’s gonna turn pink
Nelson
It’s fucking not
Bobby
Are we doing this, or what
Manuel
If, we have to
Bobby clicks his fingers, two mics are thrown out to him & Manuel – they begin singing – during the song the Don & Don Vito arrive with a Triad, who leads them into a back room – Bulldog is with them, he goes to join the boys
HANGIN’ WI’ MI’ BESTIE
I’ve gone round to my besties
Where the jager bombs’ll flow
You & me, we’re so sexy
We’re going to the disco
My sequin shiny sister
Is reflecting both our styles
You & me & energy
Are going out on the tiles
Crushes & chances
Cheek blushers like lances
He’s lush as he dances
Around our sexy bodies
I got my boogie shoes on
& I’ve painted all my toes
Let’s fix a hit, well up for it
We’re going to the disco
Let’s crack open the vodka
‘Cos the jagerbombs aint lasted
Me & you what shall we do
We’re going to get plaster’d
Splaffin’ & tarty
Laughin’ so hearty
We’re havin’ a party
Come watch our sexy bodies
Let’s go down, down to disco town
Sunset turns to funky sounds
Drunk on all the fun we’ve found
When best friends boogie woogie
Boogie woogie’s groovy
I’m hanging with my bestie
She’s like Marilyn Monroe
You & me, we’re so sexy
Are going to the disco
Manuel
Bitch
Bobby
Slag
Bobby & Manuel part ways
The Conchordia Folio 