SCENE 1

The Magaluf Strip – Tommy Gun Tammy’s

Bobby
Ladies & gentlemen, guys & gals, welcome to Tommy Gun Tammy’s, the hottest venue on the Magaluf Strip & the home tonight of everybod’ys favorite show

Everybody
Hen Party Bitch Fight

Bobby
That’s right – who’s ready for a crazy night of fighting female fun

Everybody
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Bobby
Today we’ve got a couple of cracking teams for your entertainment, when celebrating their final fling of singledom, first up it’s Debbie from Huddersfield – up you come Debbie

Debbie
Ai-ya

Bobby
So, tell us a little about yourself

Debbie
My name’s Debbie, I’m a mobile fashion consultant

Bobby
& how old are you Debbie

Debbie
I’m 28

Bobby
Alright – well, you’re looking gorgeous, your Wayne, it is Wayne, well, he’s a lucky man – how excited are you for the wedding

Debbie
Oh, I’m dead excited

Bobby

Now, let’s bring out your maid of honour – its Vivien

Vivien
Ai-ya

Bobby
So Vivien – you’re the maid of honour

Vivien
That’s right

Bobby
I heard from a little dickie bird you had a fling with Wayne a few year’s back, is that right?

Vivien
Eh?

Bobby
Is that right, Vivien Oh – Debbie didn’t know, did she? Anyway, you’re not here to fight among yourselves – you’re here to fight the opposition, now let’s bring out them out – Karen come on up

Karen
Hello everybody

Bobby
Hello Karen – can you tell us where you’re from

Karen
I’m from Swansea

Bobby
Swansea – eh – remember, viewers, if all else fails,

Everybody
Move to Wales

Bobby
That’s right – So Karen, what do you do in the world

Karen
I’m a receptionist for MDM Joiners

Bobby
Sounds like a lovely job love – & your fiance is…

Karen
Daz

Bobby
Darren, that’s right, I’ve heard he’s a bit of a nobhead, is that right?

Karen
Yeah, but I love him

Bobby
Well, I’m sure you’re gonna live happily ever after- Now – let’s bring out your maid of honour – here she comes – hello doll, what’s yer name

Penny
I’m Penny – woo!

Penny & Karen
Party girls on the prowl
Looking for the well endow’d
Woo-ooo!

Bobby
Welcome Penny – a little dickie bird tells me that you & Karen liked a wee threesome in your wilder days – is that right

Penny
Yeah it is, yeah

Bobby
Oh – that’s wonderful that is – are you going on the honeymoon with them

Bobby
No – don’t be stupid

Karen
No – she’s gonna wait til we get back

Bobby
So girls – who looks a nice cup of coffee here

Vivien
Yah I like a coffee in the mornings

Bobby
How do you take it

Vivien
Milky two sugars

Bobby
Well I like my coffee like I like my men – strong, black keeps me up all night – y’know what I’m saying

Viviene

Yeah

Bobby

Anyway, lets bring out the rest of your teams – up you come girls – so, Debbie’s darlings, your names are….

Zoe, Crystal, Debs
Zoe
Crystal
I’m also call’d Debbie, but they call me Debs instead

Bobby
Makes sense – & here we have Gang of Karen’s – what are yer names

Bronwen, Megan & Sally
Bronwen
Megan
Sally

Bobby
So ladies, are you all ready for a rumble
{cheers}
Before we begin, I want a clean fight – & above all, no hair pulling, you’ll be removed from the arena by at the first yank of a tuft – & scratching on the face is strictly forbidden, you know how much plastic surgery costs these days, don’t you – so, are we all ready, lets do the countdown

Everybody
5-4-3-2-1… BITCH FIGHT… fight, fight, fight, fight, fight…

A vigorous scrap ensues, full of cuss words such as bitch, fucking bitch, slag & slapper

---

Scene 2

Tommy Gun Tammy’s – Barry & City are watching the action

Barry
I love Hen Party Bitch Fight, me, its fucking hilarious

City
& I love you Barry, I’m having the absolute best time – everything’s beautiful – I know this might sound a little full on – but you really are my soul mate – gizza kiss

Barry
Every time I look at you I’m like, why was Jimmy God so good to me

City
Aw, shut up

Barry
So, babe, you enjoying Magaluf

City
Oh, I love it – Majorca’s a beautiful island, the hotel is lovely & the strip, oh my god, that’s a right cheeky rave that is

Barry
I know exactly what yer mean, & sharing it all with the woman you love makes it even better –

City
Ah Barry

Enter Triad

Triad
Hey lovebirds

Barry
Alright mate

Triad
You wanna buy some smoke

Barry
Yeah – I wouldn’t mind a spliff, actually – is that alright babe

City
Yeah, fine by me

Barry
What kind is it, mate

Triad
Why don’t you have a blast on this

Barry
Yeah alright, nice one
{has a toot}
Woah – that is magic, that is, what kind of stuff is it

Triad
That is squidgy black

Barry
Squidgy fucking black!

Triad
Shh – keep yer voice down, please

Barry
{whispering}
Squidgy fucking black

City
What’s so special about squidgy black

Barry
It’s the holy grail of ganga, & babe, this stuff is, like bangin’- here, have a little toot
{passing City the joint}
I’ll definitely take some mate, it’s my honeymoon, innit, it’ll be a right Brucey bonus this will

Triad
Are you just married then

City
Yeah we are – wow that is lovely

Barry
Told ya

Triad
{taking back the joint}
You two make a very nice couple – so how about 50 euros worth to start

Barry
For how much

Triad
{with fingers}
That much

Barry
You’re on – where we doing it?

Triad
Here is fine – I know that staff –

Barry

Alright here, you go, fifty euros – squidgy fucking black, bloody hell, I havn’t seen this in years

Triad
That makes me happy – so, I‘ll be by the beach most days, if you want any more

Barry
I’m sure I will – nice one

The Triad starts to leave

Barry
Mate, mate, come back a minute

Triad
Yeah

Barry
Look, hypothetically – how much of this stuff is on this island

Triad
A lot, a hell of a lot

Barry
Is there, ehm, any chance I could have a chat with somebody about, y’know, maybe, getting some more in the future, like a lot a hell of a lot

Triad
You mean… arrange some kind of shipment

City
Barry – you are not organising a major drug deal on our honeymoon are you

Barry
Of course not babe, but this isn;t an opportunity that comes round often

City
Right – I’m going to the toilet, leave you to boys to chat

Barry
Alright, babe, thanks

Triad
I tell you what – come down to Coyote Karaoke tonight, eleven o’clock- & I’ll introduce you to somebody who can give you what you want

Barry
Coyote Karaoke

Triad
Yeah, eleven o’clock

Barry
Alright mate

Triad
Laters… wait, finish that

Barry
I will, mate, thanks

Exit Triad

Barry
This really is beautiful stuff – I’m gonna make an absolute fortune here

---

Scene 3

Leith – the Don is pottering in his garden – enter City & Barry

City
Daddy

Don
Baby doll – you’re back – Barry

Barry
Alright Don

Don
Call me daddy, call me daddy, you’re part of the family now – drink

Barry
Yeah why not…
{Don looks at him sternly}
…Daddy

City
Them delphiniums are looking nice

Don
Yeah, I’m trying to create a lovely herbaceous border

City
It’s coming on a right treat, daddy

Don
Here ya go, a cold beer each, straight from my chill-box – looks like ya caught the sun my girl

City
Yeah it was well hot

Don
Nice island, is it?

City
Oh daddy, it was lovely

Don
Have a lot of fun

City
We had a great time,

Barry
Yeah babe,. The way you were shooting all your sweetness thro me, it was like we’d enter’d our own little paradise

OUR LITTLE PARADISE

I met you up in Scotland
Where I knew I’m the man for you
When I saw you bouncing on a bass line
These are the sweetest times I’m living in my life
Then I married you in Burnley
Where I knew you’re the girl for me
You’re my goddess modeling her beachware
I love the way we share Our Little Paradise

Then I took you to the dancefloor
I was liking you more & more
The way you moved your booty to the music
I think I’d like to take you to a festival
Then I took you to Majorca
& I was fallin’ in love with you
When I won a teddy on the funfair
I love the way we share Our Little Paradise

I met you on a Friday
& Im hoping to stay with you
For the rest of all our happy days love
You’re my fairy queen & im your aerial
I’m thinking of your beauty
When im singing this song for you
I’m a lily rising to your sunshine
Yes it’s yours & mine our little paradise

Don
Aw – you two are so cute together, welcome to the family Barry, – I mean whenever you talk it sounds like you’re taking a dump – but he’s not all that bad for a northern fucking numpty is he baby doll

City
No daddy – he’s great – & he’s got something very interesting to show you

Don
What’s that then… let’s have a butcher’s hook – is that ganja

Barry
Yeah Don – but not just any kind of ganja

Don
Wait a minute its not

Barry
Its is Don, yeah, it’s

Don & Barry
SQUIDGY BLACK!

Don
Nah – it can’t be – I aint seen that stuff for years

Barry
I swear down, it’s squidgy black, & its the best squidgy black I’ve ever had

SQUIDGY BLACK SONG

Squidgy black squidgy blacks back
Man I’m soo chuffed to bits
That stuff really is the good shit
Man I’m made up to hear
Its not even that fucking dear

Roll up a spliff play a guitar riff
Star wars & munchies mars bars for lunch is good
Better still oo what a thrill
Ya gotta rake up a bong
Make up a song to sing —

Squidgy black squidgy blacks back
Man I’m soo chuffed to bits
That stuff really is the good shit
Man I’m made up to hear
Its not even that fucking dear

Weve lost all the skins
So I’m off to oddbins
Pick up a four pack
Of poor mans prozac
But when I’m out trawl thro the douts
If they’re not too grim
I’ll find me a blim to smoke

Home grown gold seal it
Good stuff gotta unpeel it
Back home reckon ill deal it
My tribe everyone feel it

Don
Squidgy facking black, my word, that’s making me ears prick up like sharks fins that is – any chance of making a doobie

Barry
Already roll’d mate – spark it up

Don
Don’t mind if I do -that’s right on the bees & honey that is – facking gorgeous

Barry
Listen Don, I know where there’s a shit load more of that

Don
Where

Barry
Majorca

Don
Majorca

City
Yes, daddy, I smuggl’d this back in my bra after the honeymoon

Barry
We me a big time dealer out in Magaluf, Don – she can arrange big shipments – all you need to do is get a boat to Majorca

Don
Really – well, we’d make an absolute killing on this stuff – squidgy fucking black –

City
I know, daddy, it’s a wonderful opportunity

Don
& you can trust this woman, you say

City
Yeah, she’s sound dad – but better still, come & meet her for yourself – incognito, like – pretend you’re on holiday, then make the connection

Don
Yeah good finking, but, we’re gonna need a boat – now who do we know in the Mediterranean, somebody who wouldn’t stick aht, someone we can trust

City, Don, Barry
{looking at each other}
DON VITO!

Don
Right, City darlin, get out yer ipad & book me a flight to Rome – it looks like I’m going to Italy – y’know, son, we could save the world with some proper squidgy black

Barry
I know mate, I know

Don
City lav, hes a keeper

Scene 4

Don Vito is in his garden enjoying the sun – enter henchmen & the Don – the henchmen wakes up Don Vito

Don Vito
Don-al-do

Don
Alright Don Vito

Don Vito
Don-al-do – my brother
{Lots of hugs & kisses}

Don
Very nice gaff you’ve got here, Mr Vito

Don Vito
It is, si, you can see the whole of the city of Roma – it is very beautiful , but in the nigth it is like gazing on the universe itself

Don
Like I said very nice

Don Vito
You wanna take-a drink

Don Vito
Don’t mind if I do

Don Vito
I have a very nice chianti just breathing

Don
Sounds lovely – I’ll take mine with a little water if you don’t mind Mr Vito

Don Vito
Certo – due bicchieri di chianti, uno con un po’ d’acqua per il nostro ospite
{exit henchmen}
So, you are very welcome, but why have you come to Italy

Don
Well, mister Vito, lets just say I’m on a business trip

Don Vito
Bus-i-ness, what kind of bus-i-ness

Don
The kind of business that makes a lot of money

Don Vito
Ah that kind of bus-i-ness – my favorite kind – please, take a seat

Don
Don’t mind if I do, Mister Vito

Enter henchmen with two glasses of wine

Don
Thank-you gentlemen

Don Vito
So – what is this bus-i-ness about

Don
Well, have you heard of cannabis

Don Vito
Of course I have

Don
& have you heard of the holy grail

Don Vito
What

Don
The holy grail – you know Monty Python & the Holy Grail,, King Arthur, the last supper & that magic cup & that

Don Vito
Ah si

Don
Well, we’ve only gone & sniffed aht the holy fackin’ grail of cannabis

Don Vito
What

Don
Squidgy facking black

Don Vito
What is squidgy black

Don
You know that sticky kind of hashish, the kind that just rolls between your fingers like a sweet smelling piece of plasticine – none of that soap bar shit, the real fucking deal

Don Vito
Ah – squidgy black, I see – what about it

Don
Well, Mister Vito, we can shift that for an absolute fortune back in the UK, the muppets are loopy juice for the stuff – problem is, the stuff’s in Majorca at the moment

Don Vito
You mean Majorca

Don
Yeah, that’s what i said

Don Vito
And you want me to help

Don
For a significant share, of course – we need boats

Don Vito
Boats

Don
Yeah – you know those things that go on the sea – the idea is you go to Majorca with some boats, collect nthe merchandise, then bring it up to me in Leith

Don Vito
OK – this will be no problem – come, we toast

Don
To business

Don Vito
To bus-i-ness

They toast

---

Scene 5

Leith, the Lily Pad / Lily is chilling out – the intercom goes

Lily
Hello

Nelson
Lily

Lily
Fuck off

Lily hangs up

Intercom goes again

Lily
What do you want

Nelson
Lily, let us in will ya, I wanna talk to you, please – I’ve changed

Lily
You say that every fucking week, nelson

Nelson
No, I really have this time, please let me in

Lily
Fuck’s sake

Enter Nelson with some wine

Nelson
Baby – I’m sorry

Lily
Save it

Nelson
But…

Lily
I’m not interested – you’ve got commitment issues & i dont have the time to wait about for you to go all in with me – I’m not getting any younger & I wanna start a family – with you – but if you’re not up for it, I’ll find somebody else

Nelson
Somebody else, fuck off ya mad bitch, you dont love somebody else

Lily
I’ll just get some random donation from a sperm bank or summat, chances are they’ll have better genes than you anyway

Nelson
What’s wrong with my jeans, they’re well smart

Lily
You are such a winnit, innit

Nelson
Wanna glass

Lily
Yeah – go on then

Nelson
Honestly baby chill your beans, I do love you, it’s just a big step innit, I’m not sure if I’m ready to be a dad, but I’m sure as anything I don’t wanna be without you – look, lets just have a nice evening together, shall we, I’ve missed you this week, let’s get back to Nelson being the sacred capital of Lilyland – here
{Nelson passes Lily a glass of wine}

SHE RA

No more She Ra x 4
No more She Ra x 4
You came up to mine
Open’d the wine
Led on the floor
Said ‘Im no skeletor
Played your guitar
Played like a star
No more she ra ra ra ra ra ra

No more She Ra x 4
No more She Ra x 4
I came up to yours
Walk’d thro the doors
Open’d the wine
A song for my concubine
Played my guitar
Played like a star
No more she ra ra ra ra ra ra

Be my your Siva x 4
I’m your Siva x 4
You came up to mine
Open’d the wine
Led on the floor
Said ‘Im your troubador
Played your guitar
Played like a star
No more she ra ra ra ra ra ra

You came up to mine
Open’d the wine
I knock’d down yer door
Like a conquistador
Here’s my guitar
Here’s where you are
No more she ra ra ra ra ra ra

Lily
Are come here you big soppy twat
{they kiss}
I love your fuck ups more than anybody else’s fucks

Nelson
& I love you, baby, Id drink your bloody bath water I would

Lily
Talking of babies – do you wanna go halfers on one

Nelson
Fuck it – Ill fertilize your fanny for ya – lets get started shall we

Lily
What, a penetration situation

Nelson
Yep – you got it

The intercom goes

Nelson
Don’t answer it

Lily
I’m expecting a delivery
{pressing intercom}
Hello

City
Hey its me

Lily
Hiya – up ya come

Nelson
Who was that

Lily
City

Nelson
Oh jesus

Lily
Shut up you – she’s alright is City, chill out

Nelson
It’s you two together it does my head in – its like Beyonce & Rihanna are in the same room together

Lily
What you on about

Nelson
You just change when she’s about

Lily
What you on about when i change when I see her – I’m the same bloody person

Enter City – they greet each other hysterically & perform some kind of masonic girlie cheerleader routine

Lily & City
We’re so hot, we’re so pretty
My names Lily, my name’s City
If you see us roundabout
We’re the hottest – THERE’S NO DOUBT

City
High five sister… llright Nelson

Nelson
City – you want a drink

City
Alright

Lily
What you on with babe

City
Guys, guys, listen – have you got passports

Nelson
Yeah, I got one

Lily
Mine’s somewhere, why

City
Dya wanna go to Magaluf

Lily
What

City
Magaluf – Majorca – Spain

Lily
You’ve just been there on your honeymoon, havn’t ya

City
I have yeah, but something’s happen’d over there that means I’m gonna be going back, & it’s a case of more the merrier

Lily
I’d love to – but I don’t think I can really afford it at the moment – my disposable incomes been disposed of

City
Don’t worry about it – my dad’ll be paying – it’ll be half-board in a hotel & a bit of spending money thrown in as well

Nelson
Why the fuck is he doing that

City
Well, it’s a bit complicated, but it involves something squidgy black

Nelson
Squidgy black

City
Yeah

Nelson
What – you’ve managed to get hold of some actual squidgy

City
Well – not yet – but that’s the whole point – that’s why we want you to come to Majorca with us – make it look like its a holiday for family & friends, not a drug’s run – if my dad just went out on his todd, then it’d all look far too suspicious, y’know

Lily
& your dad’s paying for everything

City
Yep – spending moon too

Lily
In that case, too fucking right, I could do with an holiday – we both could do with a bit of time in the sun, couldn’t we Nelson

Nelson
I know – living in Scotland makes you forget that there is actually a thing called sunshine

City
Brilliant – my dad will be chuffed to bits – i’m gonna go & noise Brenda up now – see if her & the General wanna come – fancy tagging along, grab a beer somewhere by the Shore

Lily
Yeah, why not, you’ve cheer’d me right up – Nelson, let’s go

Nelson
Yes boss

Lily
We’re going to Spain

City
Yes we are girl

They conga out the Lily pad singing the chorus of Y Vivia Espana

Oh we are off to Sunny Spain y viva España
High on an Easyjet plane y viva España
Maybe we’ll meet a a matador, in some cool cabaña
And meet señoritas by the score, España por favor