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During the main course, the Don says things like ’looks facking lavely that,’ Joey aggressively says ‘are you gonna eat that or what’ & Bobby asks people their names (four times) replying nice to meet you (four times) & other such small talk, like where are you from

Towards the end of the mean, enter Gran & Grandad

Gran
Oo!, it’s nice in here love

Grandad
Yeah, it’s well posh innit – hang on a sec
{to guests}
Does anyone want any piccalilli with their pudding – I always carry a jar with me, you never know when you’ll need some

Gran
Shall I set the machine up here, Don

Don
Yeah, that’s perfect

Gran
{making a space}
Get out o’ road, will ya
{Gran’s phone goes}
Oo, it’s Doreen – I’ll just answer it… hello Doreen… yeah… aw that’s a shame… oh no… well, why don’t you go & see Doctor Akram, he’s good him… but tell him to warm his hands, tho, they’re always too cold… yeah, I’ll ring you when I’m back… ta’ra, love

Grandad
Is she alright

Gran
Oh, she’s not so good, she’s got acute vaginal dryness

Grandas
Has she

Gran
It was caused Aggressive yeast infection

Grandad
Was it, oh dear

Enter General

General
Alright, Nan

Gran
Ow do, General, are you alright

General
Yeah, I’m fine, but I’ve just been in the kitchen – the chef’s steaming

Gran
Is he

General
Yeah – steaming broccoli

Gran
Bloody Hell, everyone’s a comedian these days

General
Well I am, I’ve been taking comedy classes, I’m having a change of career – anyway, I’ve just witness’d the fight in the kitchen?

Gran
What, just now

General
Yeah, a fish got battered.

Gran
That’s even worse than the first one

General
Has anyone here seen Star Wars
{picking up a fork}
May the forks be with you.
{Picks up bread roll}
Oo im on a roll here

Grandad
Bloody hell – I’d give up now if I were you

General
What you on about

Grandad
Well, you’re just not very funny, General

General
What you on about, you

Grandad
Look – I’m funnier than you, & my blood sausage is definitely tastier than yours

General
Do you wanna say that again – to my face

Grandad
I’d be delighted to

Security dashes in

Don
Lads, what have I told ya, let the puddings do the talking, shall we

Enter Brenda, soaking wet

Gran
Bloody hell – look what the cat dragged in

General
Brenda

Brenda
Tristan

General
Brenda

Brenda
Tristan

General
What you doing here

Brenda
I made a mistake

General
What do you mean

Brenda
I should never ever have gone off with Roberto, all it was a was a brief & foolish flirtation – I’ve realis’d it’s you, it’ll always be you, General – I love ya, I love ya to bits

General
Well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it

Brenda
I know I fuck’d up, but I’m human, we all make mistakes

General
Yeah, a massive fucking mistake

Brenda
Baby, I love you so much, I know that now

General
I love you too, Brenda, but

Brenda
But nothing – just take me back, please, I’m so sorry

General
Why did you do it

Brenda
I don’t know, I think I had a medical brain attack or something

General
Our genitals are a perfect match, babe

Don
Oi! Oi! lets keep this PG shall we

General
Sorry Don

Brenda
Baby, listen, I’ve heard that you’ve been making an effort, that you’re changing path, that you’re going to be a stand-up comedian – I love comedians, they’re well funny

Gran
Well, he’s bloody not

General
What do yo mean

Gran
You’re not very funny, General, & I don’t even know why you’re giving her the time of day

Brenda
I beg your pardon

Gran
Well, who do you think you are swanning n her like that, Lady Muck, you soil’d your marital bedsheets in Magaluf

Grandad
Shagaloof more like

Brenda
Eh, can you just keep your beak out of my business, you old bat

Gran
Eh General

General
Yeah

Gran
You’d be out of your god damn mind if you got back with this scarlet harlot – she’s got bored of her Spanish shagpiece & expects she can just win yer back at the click of her fingers

Brenda
{squaring up to Gran}
You’d better shut yer mooth the noo, doll

General
Ladies, ladies, calm down, please

Grandad
Mate, I’d back off out of it if I were you –
my wife were the cock of the Woodtop Inn fer years – men & women

Brenda
Is that right, grandma, well, however hard you are, I know mother fuckas who know mother fuckas

Grans
Well, so do I love – are we starting a war here Brenda

Brenda
Damn right we are – & right now I’m on Defcon 5

Don
Boys…

Security rushes in & separates the women

Brenda
Get off me – get your hands off me – I’ll bite yer tiny bitch ass balls off if you don’t let go of me now

Gran
Get off me n’all – I’ll thump yer in yer vulnerable regions if you don’t

Don
Awight, awight, that’s enough
{to General & Brenda}
You & you, fack off fer five minutes & sort out your relationships, yeah

Exit Brenda & the General

Don
{to Gran}
& you, you should be asham’d of yourself, your age, carrying on like that

Gran
Sorry Donald

Don
Apology accepted – nah are ya gonna do this bingo, or what

Gran
Of course I will, I just got a bit fluster’d there

Grandad
Ee-ya, I’ll make you a nice cup of tea love, eh?

Gran
Smashing, yeah

Exit Grandad

Don
Alright, then, you ready

Gran
Yeah, love, I’ve calm’d down now – so everybody, not only does burnley have the best football team & the best black puddings – but we also have the best bingo in the whole world – so, if everybody turns over the pieces of paper in front of them they’ll see their bingo sheet – we’ll be playing just for the full house, first person to get all the number should shout {loud bingo call} – the winner gets a prize has everyone got yer dobbers, yer dabbers & yer dibbers – then I’ll begin, let’s tickle them balls

A game of bingo ensues – Grandad brings a cup of tea to Gran at some point – when someone wins Grandad checks the numbers – the winner gets the prize of the day

Don
Thank you very much Gran, like you say, Burnley does have the best bingo in Britain, but does it also have the best Black Pudding – well it’s time to decide, over desert – in you come guys, let’s bring out them Bob Marley donuts – y’know, wi jam in!

Waiters bring in plates of donuts

Don
Right everybody – if you can all huckle down in yer brain bunker & write down either the letter A or the letter B on your pieces of paper, the side with the box, w can collect them all in & count up the votes – thanks in advance

Everybody eats desert & casts their votes – these are collected by Joey & Bobby

Don
Alright everybody – that’s the all the votes cast – it’s time to find out the winner – let’s bring out the competitors

Enter the General, Brenda, Grandad & Gran

Don
So, you two got back together then, did ya

Brenda
One cannot evade one’s destiny, Don

General
Yeah, we share a same special consciousness, don’t we

Don
Fack’s sake – right, my lovely daughter, Felicity, will read out the results – in you come Felicity

Enter City
City
Hello – so we’ve counted up all the votes back in the kitchen, & the winner is, by a score of xx to xx, England/Scotland

Cue wild celebrations on one side & groans/accusations of a fix on the other

Don
& here’s the trophy – congratulations xxx – it’s nah official, xxx has the best black pudding in Britain

xxxx
& the whole word – get in !!

Enter TC (with a kebab), Nelson & Lily

Don
Alright guys, you here for the final song

TC
That we are Donald

Don
Alright, let’s do it then… hit it

Cos its the British Pudding Off
To find the one that’s good enough
To place upon your plate at break of day
Yes its the British pudding off
The Great Big British pudding off
Twx Burnley, England – Scotland’s Stornaway

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam,
We couldn’t be fonder of our sausage back home
The butcher’s buzzing like a bee
To make black pudding just for me.
Please allow me to demonstrate
It looks so good on yer dinner plate

Its the British Pudding Off
The big Great British pudding off
Twx Burnley, England – Scotland’s Stornaway
Cos its the British Pudding Off
To find the one that’s good enough
The Great Big British pudding off today !