SCENE 1
The Party Girls’ hotel room / early morning / Bulldog & TC are in bed with the heavily sleeping Party Girls / TC stirs
TC
I didn’t… I did…I didn’t
I did!
Bulldog… wake up… wake up
Bulldog
What is it
TC
Shhh… check it out… it’s like the friggin Himalayas in here
Bulldog
Cool
TC
But there’s one thing missing from this magnificent range of mammary mountains
Bulldog
What’s that then
TC
Snow capped peaks!
TC gets out of bed wearing a bra
Bulldog
Nice bra… how the hell did that happen
TC
I don’t remember anything… I had way too much tequila last night – I lost mi fuckin ed
Bulldog
Me too
TC
Come on, get out of bed
Bulldog
It definitely makes a change waking up with a woman I don’t have to inflate
TC
Shhh
TC gets out a bag of coke & sprinkles it on the Party Girls’ breasts
Party Girl 1
What’s that
TC
It’s alright…go back to sleep, yeah
Party Girl 1 grunts & goes back to sleep / TC finishes sprinkling then gives Bulldog a double thumbs up / Bulldog rolls up a note & inserts it in nose
THE SIX TITTY SNORT
With a cheap tequila swagger
Bulldog & a blue eye’d blagger
Hit the Paradise Palms for a pint of beer
Then they took the dance floor harem
Like two urban superstars ‘n’
Made three sassy, sexy, jezebels appear
Bulldog & TC
Cos it’s the six titty snort
You’ve gotta fetch ‘em their coats
& in the mornin’
Find em in your bed
Really off their head
Find them in yer bed
Bulldog
It don’t matter if yer boring
Just make sure those girls are snoring
& the duvets slipped from each & evey boob
Then you rest a bit of cocaine
On each breast & with yer tube train
Snort the lot cool as Vanilla ice, ice cube
TC & Bulldog
Cos it’s the six titty snort
& man you’d best not got caught
Cos if you do, all the bets are off
Just a little cough
& all yer bets are off
TC
A couple with yer girlfriend’s easy peasy
& a threesome gives yer four & that’s not bad
But unless you are a swinger in an orgy
It’s hard to find six titties in yer bed
TC & Bulldog
Cos it’s the six titty snort
& when the coke hits yer throat
Yes, you’re the man, feel like a superstar
I tell yer man that’s what you are
A mother fuckin superstar!
Bulldog snorts coke off each breast, followed by TC / the Party Girls wake up
Party Girl 2
What the fuck are you doing
Party Girl 3
Ey… that’s my bra
TC
Can I keep it
Party Girl 3
O… alright then… seeing as it’s you
TC
Cheers… but who are you?
Party Girl 3
I’m Penny, remember
Party Girl 1
Oh look, its penis & penisnt
Party Girl 2
Hey, boys, that was a lot of fun, let’s do it again sometime
Party Girl 3
Yeah, yeah, yeah – tonight
TC
Eh, maybe
Girl 2
Where are you boys staying
TC
{getting dressed}
I can’t quite remember
Party Girl
What do you mean, you can’t quite remember
Bulldog
It’s the Samos Hotel
Girl 2
Oh, I’ve seen that from the street – what’s your pool like
TC
Oh, it’s not very good, you wouldn’t like it
Party Girl 2
Well, we might stop by any way
Party Girl 1
Yeah, we’ll stop by later
TC
{getting dressed}
If you like – so, Bulldog, let’s get the fuck out of here
Bulldog
Alright – where the fuck’s my shorts
Girl 3
Are them not them, there
Bulldog
Ah – yes – girls – it’s been a pleasure
Party Girl 1
Do you guys remember our names
TC
Of course we do
Party Girl 1
Go on then
TC
Its its
Bulldog
Eve, Sally, Paula
Party Girl 3
Well done
TC
Yeah, of course, Eve, Sally, Paula… well, we’ll see you around right
Party Girl 2
See you soon boys
Bulldog
Bye
Exit TC & Bulldog
Party Girl 2
Right, I’m going back to sleep
Party Girl 3
Me too
Party Girl 1
& me
Party Girl 3
I am never drinking tequila again
Party Girl 2
Me neither
Party Girl 1
& me – my head hurts
Party Girl 2
& mine
Party Girl 3
Mine too
SCENE 2
Magaluf Beach – City is working on her tan – nearby a guy is on the phone, his girlfriend beside him
Guy
Bro, bro, bro, listen… you gotta pick up… I call you & then you sometimes wait two hours before you call me back… you’re being a bitch about it… bro, why you holding something against me for that… yhat’s bitchin in its finest, prime, you get me… why ya doing this to me…. why you bitchin’… that’s not part of your aim of life, it’s not your goal… you sent me a text at 5 am bruv… I can fall asleep in 10 seconds… I can fall asleep on a train bruv… yeah, alright, easy…
{to girl}
He’s such a facking liberty-taker that one, he does my head in
Girl
Yeah babe
Enter Jackie, Gran, Lily & Brenda
City
Well, well, well – it’s the four whores of the apocalypse – how y’all doing ladies
Gran
I’m alright – I’ve just got a bit of a bubbly bum from all this food, Felicity
City
Aw, that’s nice nan
Brenda
I’m sweating gin and tonic, me
Lily
You missed breakfast
City
I can’t eat every meal – I’ll balloon
Lily
Fair enough
Brenda
I know what you mean, I feel bloated
Jackie
You could just get yourself a bowl of cereals love, you’ve got to have something
City
Later on, maybe, I’m alright for now
Gran
She does have a point, Jackie, all this food is playing havoc with my bowel movements
Lily
I’m getting a right menstrual migraine, me, I think it’s all these new nutrients
Brenda
Right, time to get out mi chuff & bumps
Gran
It’s so nice to see all the girls together, isn’t it
Jackie
Birds of a feather flock together, don’t they mam
Jackie
They do, yeah
Gran
So, how was night last night, girls
City
It was fun
Lily
Yeah lots of karaoke madness n’shizz
Gran
Brenda – you’re quiet today, are you alright
Brenda
Not really
Gran
Why, what’s up
Brenda
I think me and General, well, I’m done
City
What do you mean, done
Brenda
I’ve realised my life is surely goona be ten times better without his bullshit – I mean, we’ve got a very dysfunctional relationship, it does my head in
Lily
Gizz an example, babe
Brenda
He leaves cornflakes in the bowl about the house – when I find them the cornflakes are as hard as diamonds
City
I hear you
Jackie
That is one o the worst, that one
Brenda
I know – in every aspect of our relationship we hae become complete unequals
Gran
But do you love him
Brenda
That’s the worst facking part, oh, sorry mind my language gran
Gran
It’s alright, love carry on, get it out
Brenda
Yeah I do love him – but my head says he’s an absolute bell end – I feel like I need rescuing from a burning wreck
{breaking down in tears}
Lily
Ah Brenda, come here
Brenda
It’s alright, I’ll be alright, come on, we’re on our holidays, we’re here to have some fun
Lily
Let’s thrash it over lunch, shall we
Brenda
Yeah
City
If you ask me, Brenda, I think it’s probably all down to sex – you’re still having sex with him, right
Brenda
We are, & I love it, even the butt stuff – he goes straight to my baby maker
City
I know, there’s always that one guy who makes your vagina scream
Jackie
Do you know when you said baby-maker, are you gettin’ broody, Brenda
Brenda
I am, yeah – I think that’s the problem – I can’t see us ever having a child together – he’s useless – he’s not a provider, hes, just, he’s, well, he’s just a child himself
Lily
I think I’m getting broody – all I need to do is look at a baby & my womb twangs
Brenda
Ah ken, hen
City
Maybe you should get him a therapist
Brenda
What
City
That infantality of his, it could all be a bit in utero, couldn’t it – a bit of trauma from the womb, y’know what I mean
Jackie
She’s right you know, he sounds like he’s stuck in his childhood somewhere, mean all that pool playing, it’s boys & their toys isn’t it
Brenda
City, not everyone’s like you, spending thousands on trying to get a good tarot card with some weird woman over skype
City
That is 90 minutes a week well spent, I’ll have you know, she literally re-arranges my brain for the better – I couldnt cope without her
Lily
Jackie
Jackie
Yes love
Lily
You’ve had kids, haven’t you – what’s it actually like, y’know, giving birth
Jackie
Well, giving birth is not like pooing out a melon, no, it’s worse than that – it’s like excreting a block of flats complete with patios clothes lines, hedges, television aerials, satellite dishes, backyard barbecues, kidney shaped swimming pools, gazebos, double garage extensions & all the cars parked outside
Lily
Ooo
Gran
Just have a bottle of brandy at hand, ladies, that’s what I did wi mine – & just enjoy the moment – it’s a miracle of nature
Jackie
It’s a miracle I didn’t stab the bloody midwife, mam
Gran
So, Felicity – are ya gonna help our Jackie to join the grandma club
City
I’d love too, nan, but your Barry, he’s to obsess’d with working – I mean where is he now, bloody plastering in Padiham
Jackie
He does work hard, yeah, but it’s for your family Felicity
City
Well, we won’t have too much of a family if he’s always too tired to make me pregnant – anyway, of this baby talk, what about having fun- you’re the only single one among us Jackie, we’re gonna be partying vicariously through you – have you seen anyone to catch your eye
Jackie
Me – bloody hell – I’m too old for all that malarkey – I don’t think I’ll ever meet a new fella now – I’m gonna end up one of those hideous cat ladies with eighty cats who I play the xylophone to every morning
Lily
What are you on about, you’re gorgeous
Jackie
To be honest, I prefer being single – all that desperate to impress pallava – nah I am finally & firmly free of the general idiocy of men – I wake up when I want; go where I want, when I want; I don’t have to compromise on my diet; no pressure to make somebody else happy
Lily
Don’t you get lonely
Jackie
Not really – whereas to some people loneliness is unbearable, to others it’s just a relief
Brenda
But what about the sex
Jackie
I’ve had plenty of that – I don’t need to keep topping it up tho – I’m happy & content at the moment – as soon as a man comes into your life, well, let’s say your cerebral fen shui goes all over the place
City
Yeah, but Jackie, look at him over there, with that Cougar, you would wouldn’t yeah
Jackie
Well, I might, if I was drunk enough
City
See – being single, well, it’s just not natural in Mother Nature – hmm – I bet his butt looks good in tight jeans
Jackie
City
City
Look – I might be married to your son, but I’m not blind
Brenda
She’s got a point, wouldn’t mind giving him a robust massage
Gran
What with extras
Jackie
Mam!
Lily
How old do you think she is
City
She must be pushing forty
Brenda
She’s not pushing forty, she’s clinging to it
Gran
Her eyes are a miracle of mascara
Brenda
He is a very good looking man, & I do like my men like I like my coffee
Lily
How’s that then
Brenda
Strong, black & keeps me up all night
The girls laugh
Lily
All I want out of a man, & my Nelson ticks every box y’know, is someone who can make me laugh, make me dinner & make me come
Gran
Lily
Lily
Sorry Gran
Brenda
Look at those guys there
Lily
Good looking bunch
City
Proper peacocks, aren’t they
Brenda
The one in the yellow shorts – see him – I would visit that ass in jail
City
O-oh, shit, they’ve notic’d us checking them out – one of them’s coming over I think – he is, shit
Enter Beach Guy
Beach Guy
Alright girls
Lily
Alright, how ya doing
Beach Guy
I’m good, yeah, thanks, so what’s your names then
Brenda
That’s confidential mate
Beach Guy
Oh sorry – anyway – I likes youse – feisty innit
Brenda
Is that right
Beach Guy
Yeah, you’re like my appendix
Brenda
What
Beach Guy
I wanna take you out
Lily
Fuck’s sake
City
Are you for real mate
Beach Guy
I’m just being friendly – so anyways, do you fancy having a drink with me late on
Brenda
Sorry pal, I don’t date outside my species
Lily
Hold still mate
Beach Guy
Why
Lily
I’m just trying to imagine you…
Beach Guy
Naked
Lily
No with a personality… will you get the message mate & just fuck off
Beach guy
Alright, alright, bloody lesbians, you’re all the same
Exit Beach Guy
City
I think you’re better off sticking with the General, Brenda
Brenda
I’m better off with no man, just now I think
Jackie
Well, if you no it’s time to end things, just do it – there’s no point dragging it out, love
Brenda
Really
Jackie
Yeah – break ups – it’s all in the name – I mean, they’re not call’d gentle partings of the ways, are they – I mean, things are gonna break, big time, it’s not going to be easy, it’s going be tough, your heads going to be in bits, but you’ll get there eventually – your mind is going to whizz & whizz around – but it’ll be in ever-decreasing circles til the hurt & the head-rage are just pin pricks, & then gone forever – then you’ll get used to a new reality & one day you’ll not worry about it anymore & finally you’ll be happy in yourself
City
Then, you’ll meet a new fella & start the whole fucking rigmarol again
Gran
You have to be careful, love, once you’ve thrown something away, you can never get it back
Jackie
Mam, if she says it’s over, it’s over – I mean, to be honest you & dad should have split up decades ago really
Gran
But we tough’d out the rough times, & we’re still together now
Jackie
Fair enough, mam, but Brenda’s froma a different generation
{to Brenda}
I’m not pretending it won’t be hard, but one way to handle it all is by projecting into the future to a time when its not hurting any more, to try & put yourself in that head space, that happy place – the future is a different place – don’t get stuck, always have one eye on that moment
Brenda
Thank-you Jackie
Lily
Right girls, I’m not being rude, but I wanna slap some tunes on & work on my tan
City
Do what you like, babe
Brenda
I’m loving Magaluf, me, it’s a million miles from misty Leith
Jackie
& pissing down Burnley
Gran
Yeah
City
Me too, dya know the joy you feel when, after a long & hectic day, you unsnap that bra, whip it thro your shirt sleeves & whizz it across the room
Brenda
Yeah babe
City
Well, I’ve got that feeling all the time, here in Magaluf
Gran
Well, apart from the fact that you can’t get a decent cup of tea anywhere – it’s a lot of money for sunburn & a gyppy tummy – I could have just gone down sunbeds & got a curry from Sumbuls – that would have had exactly the same effect
City
Well, you’re not paying for it, Gran, my dad is
Gran
Oh, sorry pet, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful – it’s just a bit, well, exotic, isn’t it, Spain – it’s nothing like Filey at all
Jackie
I do love Filey beach, mam ,yeah
Enter Diego
Diego
Buenas Tardes – or should I say good afternoon. ladies
Brenda
What do you want
Diego
Well, I just wanted to meet
{to Gran}
You
Gran
Me
Diego
Si
Gran
But why
Diego
Because, you are the most delightful for the eyes woman I have ever seen in my entire life
Gran
Your entire life
Jackie
Oi, mate, eh buggar off will you, mi mam’s not gonna fall for any of your bullshit
Gran
I might, I might
Diego
What is your name my precious
Gran
It is Frieda
Diego
Frieda, how magical – Freida like freedom –
& now I have met you my soul feels free – well, Freida, I am Diego Vazquez, from Seville
Jackie
& I think it’s time you went back to Seville mate – my man’s not interested, she’s married
Gran
Am I
Jackie
Yes you are, mam, to my dad
Gran
Oh yeah, I’d forgotten
Brenda
Mate, look, you’re like a dog with three cocks – if you don’t clear off we’ll get the po-lice on yer for sexual harassment
City
Yeah mate, you’re coming across like a sex pest, can you just fuck off
Diego
OK, OK, I a-goa now, we shall meet again, Freida, I can feel it
Gran
Yeah
Diego
Adios, my love, adios
Brenda
Oh my god
Gran
I know – he look’d just like that Rudolph Valentino in the Sheik
Jackie
Mam
Brenda
I bet there are some very disturbing skeletons in his cupboard, what a creep
City
& he’s so old he almost is a skeleton
Lily
{getting headphones out}
Hey girls – look what’s just popped up on my play list oh ya gonna love this
City
What is it
Lily
Have you got them blue tooth speakers
City
Hang on a sec – here they are
Lily
It’s not connecting – you’ll have to turn your phone off babe
City
This tune had better be good
Lily
Oh, it is – yes, I’m in
City
Oh, it’s not fucking Shoop is it
Lily
It certainly is sister
Brenda
I love this tune, bagsy Pepa
City
Well I’m Salt then
Lily
Woah I put the tune on
Brenda
You can be Spinderella
Lily
But she only sings the chorus
SHOOP
Ooh, how you doing, baby? (Shoop)
No, not you, you, the bow-legged one, yeah
What’s your name? (Shoop)
Damn, baby, that sounds sexy
Uh, here I go, here I go, here I go again
Girls, what’s my weakness? (Men!)
Okay, then, chilling, chilling, minding my business (word)
Yo, Salt, I looked around and I couldn’t believe this
I swear, I stared, my niece my witness
The brother had it going on with something kinda, oh
Wicked, wicked, had to kick it
I’m not shy so I asked for the digits
A hoe, no, that don’t make me
See what I want slip slide to it swiftly
Felt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricks
Then I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks on him
Lick him like a lollipop should be licked
Came to my senses and I chilled for a bit
Don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do
So well, it’s a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop, shoop, shoop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Um, you’re packed and you’re stacked ‘specially in the back
Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that (thanks, Mom)
Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an Uzi
Or a shotgun, bang! What’s up with that thang?
I wanna know, how does it hang?
Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr. Lover
Like Prince said you’re a sexy mother-
Well-a, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile
Smooth black skin with a smile
Bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun
Come and give me some of that yum-yum
Chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop?
Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna
Don’t you know I wanna shoop, baby?
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Well, let me bring you back to the subject, Pep’s on the set
Make you get hot, make you work up a sweat
When you skip-to-my-lou, my darling
Not falling in love but I’m falling for your (super sperm)
When I get ya, betcha bottom dollar you were best under pressure
(Yo, Sandy, I wanna like, taste you)
Getcha getcha lips wet ’cause it’s time to have Pep
On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let me shoop
To the next man in the three-piece suit
I spend all my “do-re-mi, ” cutie
Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo
I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams
You make me wanna scream, “Ooh, ooh, ooh”
I like what you do when you do what you do
You make me wanna shoop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Oh my goodness, girl, look at him
He’s the cutest brother in here
And he’s comin’ this way, ooh
S and the P wanna get with me, cool (uh-huh)
But I’m wicked, G, (yeah) hit skins but never quickly (that’s right)
I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get
Mmm, mmm, mmm, for the smell of it
They want my bod, here’s the hot rod (hot rod)
12 inches to a yard and have you sounding like a retard (yeah)
Big ‘Twan Love-Her, six-two, wanna hit you
(So what you wanna do?)
What you wanna do?
(Mmm, I wanna shoop)
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Shoop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
Oh, you make me wanna shoop
Hey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby
Oh, you make me wanna shoop
Hey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby
Oh, you make me wanna shoop
Hey yeah, I wanna shoop, baby
Jackie
That was a good tune that, who’s it by
Lily
Salt & Pepa
Jackie
Oh yeah, I remember them
Gran
I liked it too, I do prefer Val Doonican, tho’
Lily
Ah guys, I’m having such a good time – & I know Brenda, you’re struggling with your General
Brenda
He won’t be mine for much longer
Lily
Well, yeah, & Jackie, I know your marriage fail’d in the end, but right now I’m happy – I mean, I love Nelson – he might be a bit of a dick at times, but I love him, I really do, the big dollop of dopamine that he is, I’m on a pure phenylethylamine lovebuzz, irrational attraction, oxytocin euphoria, it’s all there – it’s pure chemistry
City
& chemicals, you’re a right bunch of ravers you two
Lily
You know, tho, the key to it all is trust – me & Nelson trust each other so much, we know each other’s passwords – let me show you, I’ll just log into his instagram – what the fuck!
Brenda
What is it
Lily
What the actual fuck!
City
What’s going on Lily
Lily
Some slut has sent a picture of her vagina to my man
Jackie
I’m sure it’s not what it looks like
Lily
What do you mean it’s not what it looks like – it’s someone else’s fanny on my Nelson’s phone – some cunt has sent a photo of her actual cunt to my boyfriend – he must be having an affair or summat
Brenda
Well, who is it from then
Lily
It’s from…
Lily drops the phone in shock, turns to City
Lily
Oh my god, Felicity fucking Brogden, you slag!
City
What you on about
Lily
Why’s your fadge on my boyfriend’s phone
City
What do you mean
Lily
Recognise that
City
Oh my god
Lily
What’s going on between you & my Nelson
City
Nothing, I swear, I mean, I can’t remember taking that photo, honestly, I was really, really drunk last night, I mean, it might have happened then
Lily
Did you two, you know, get it on
City
I can’t remember, maybe
Lily
Maybe! Oh my god
{she starts pacing}
Get her out of here now before I do something we’re all gonna regret
Brenda
City, I think you should leave
City
But, I was drunk, I can’t remember a thing
Jackie
Can you remember you’re married to my son, Felicity
City
Oh no – what have I done – I don;t even know what I’ve done
Brenda
Look, just get out of here, this is gonna take some unraveling, alright doll, I love ya, we all do, but just get outta dodge for a bit, alright
City
Alright
Exit City – the rest of the women are in silence
Enter Gigolo
Gigolo
Ola senoritas, you are looking very beautiful today
Brenda, Jackie, Gran, City
FUCK OFF!
SCENE 3
The police station, Magaluf / Comandante Perez is at work / there is a knock on the door
Comandante Perez
Ingresar
Enter Coppers 1 & 2 with Sargento Diaz
Sargento Diaz
Comandante – esta es Sargent McKay y la agente Jackson, de Edimburgo
Comandante Perez
Gracias Sargento – Ah the Scottish policewomen – welcome to Majorca
Copper 1
It’s lovely to be here – but unfortunately we’re not here for the sun, sea, sand & funtimes
Copper 2
Yes, we are here on His Majesty’s business
Comandante Perez
Very good – & how can we help you
Copper 1
We have noticed some very unusual activity here in Magaluf – a certain Doanld Belmarsh is staying at your Hotel Samos – we’ve had our eye on him for some time
Copper 2
The thing is, Comandante, he has recently been connected to a Mafia boss over in Italy – who is now also staying at the Hotel Samos
Copper 1
He goes by the name of Don Vito
Comandante Perez
I know nothing of such men
Copper 2
They are traveling as part of a large family group
Copper 1
Which we believe to be some kind of camouflage
Comandante Perez
Well, this is interesting – do you have any idea what they are up to
Copper
Knowing the activities of Donald Belmarsh, we believe that some form of narcotics might be involv’d
Comandante Perez
Drugs, huh –
Copper 1
Yes, Comandante Perez, drugs
Comandante Perez
Very well – the Majorca police are at your service
Copper 2
Thank you very much
Comandante Perez
So you are Scottish, yes
Copper 2
Aye
Comandante Perez
It is a very cold place your country
Copper 2
You could say that
Copper 1
Yeah mate its Baltic
Comandante Perez
Baltic
Copper 1
Like, as cold as the Baltic Sea
Comandante Perez
Ah! el mar Báltico
Copper 2
Yeah mate
Comandante Perez
But when it is sunny – you do not use water, right
Copper 2
Yeah mate, course we do
Comandante Perez
But why do you always say taps off
Copper 1
No mate, ha-ha – its nae the taps on a sink, its these taps
Comandante Perez
That is not a tap – it is a shirt, no
Copper 1
Nah mate it’s a tap
Comandante Perez
No, it is a shirt
Copper 2
Comandante – we are wasting time – we must try & be at least three steps ahead of these gangsters – they have become notoriously clever at eluding the law
Comandante Perez
Very well, come with me, we shall brief my men
Scene 4
A villa near Esporles / a table is set for lunch on an outside terrace / the Don, Don Vito & Donica are finishing off their meal / staff are clearing the table
Don
This is a lovely gaff you’ve got, Donica
Donica
Ah – thank you very much – it is so nice to get away from the hustle & the bustle of the coast
Don Vito
It is a beautiful island, your view, this panorama, it is, how they say in Italy, merivigilosa – magnifico
Donica
Yes – I do love to be on islands – to be surrounded by water is glory for my soul
Don Vito
There is an island near Roma, it is call’d Ponza, if you visit me one time, I will show you
Don
Donica, darlin’, there’s some lovely islands near Edinburgh too – Bass Rock, for example, cover’d in seagull shit, it’s lovely
Donica
Lovely
Don Vito
I am sure Donica would prefer the warmer seas of the Mediterranean, Donaldo, than the ice bath that is your Northern Sea, si?
Donica
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, do not squabble, I am way out of both your leagues… but… sometimes I get so lonely… the wealthier men of this world, well, they are only good between the balance sheets… while the poorer people of this world , well, they never wash their bodies completely, you understand, & their fashion sense is terrible
Don Vito
Donica, all we Italian men are fantastico lovers, however badly we smell
Don
But Mr Vito, unlike the Italian man, the Englishman is a gentleman – women just don’t like being made love to, they like being talk’d to n’all
Donica
Boys, boys, boys, little boys – stop it, please – tell me, tell me, how did yo two meet
Don Vito
We had, let’s say, mutual acquaintances, but.. We were bonded by tragedy
Donica
You were
Don Vito
Yes – both of our sons died at the same time
Donica
I am sorry to hear that
Don
Yeah – there was a loose cannon on the team, love, a reall rotter, a real scoundrel
Donica
It is important in a business like ours to work with people you can trust with your lives – can I trust you boys
Don
Of course you can Donica – with got each other’s backs, 100 percent, & now we’ve got yours
Donica
Good… so you have respect for each other
Don Vito
Yes, of course
Don
We do, yeah
Donica
& you have respect for women, too?
Don
Yeah, of course
Don Vito
I love women
Donica
So, you respect both men & women
Don
Yeah
Don Vito
Si
Donica
Well that us good as I have something to show you
Donica stands up, opens her robe & reveals a penis
Don
Well well well, if it isn’t the Lady Boys of Bangkok
Donica
I hope that changes nothing in our relationship
Don Vito
No, no, no, not at all
Donica
& I still can come & visit you on your island, Mr Vito
Don Vito
I think, perhaps, you would really prefer the shitty bass Rock rather than Ponza, actually, Ponza is going downhill, rapido – & ah
{bringing out phone}
My team needs me back in Magaluf – we must finalise some details for tonight, the boat, you see, the boat – if you will both excuse me
Exit Don Vito
Don
See you later Mr Vito
Don Vito
Si, si, si ,si
Donica
So – it is just the two of us – would you like a drink
Don
Don’t mind if I do – I’m a very liberal gangster, y’know, growing up in London, there’s all sorts of characters there, y’know – this aint the first time I’ve seen a, penis, on a beautiful woman
Donica
You think I am beautiful
Don Vito
Yeah – but I’m definitely gonna need some ketamine, or something, y’know what I’m saying, darling – got any?
Donica
I have yes
Don
Can you make it a bug facking bump
Scene 5
Diego
I cannot believe we just bump’d into each other like this
Gran
I know, fancy you liking a bit of bingo
Diego
I love bingo – & I think I love-a you
Gran
Give over
Diego
Do you not believe in love at first sight, Diego
Gran
Eh – I don’t know what you mean Diego
Diego
Anyway, this is my boat
Gran
Ooo! it’s very nice
Diego
Would you like to join me for a drink
Gran
I could, whu not
Diego
What would you like
Gran
I’m feeling exotic – could I have a lager tops
Diego
A what
Gran
That’s a lager with a bit of lemonade, please
Diego
Of course – take a seat, I will be back with your lager tops, & some champagne
Gran
Oo!
Diego
Ah
Gran
What is it
Diego
Just hold that look
Gran
What look
Diego
That look – yes – its is, exquisite
{Diego takes out his phone & takes a photo}
Ah – perfect
Diego gets on his boat singing a Franco De Vita’s Te Amo – he returns a few moment later with drinks
Diego
Here you my lady – a bottle of lager, a little lemonade, & some very expensive champagne – let me pour your drink – & now to open the champagne – so, you said you were very good at pumping
Diego opens the champagne
Gran
Ah yes, yes, I am avery good pumper – my mother was a good pumper, her mother was one of the best pumpers in the county
Diego
Is that right
Gran
Yes – oh – I remember on one occasion, she was pumping with such zeal that the lever came off in her hand
Diego
I would love to hear you pump one day
Gran
Well, perhaps you could show me a good Spanish organ
Diego
Hmmm, I do not think the churches of Majorca have ever used a pump organ
Gran
Ah that’s shame
Diego
Perhaps I shall sail my boat to Burnley to hear you play
Gran
Don’t be daft, you big dafty
Diego
Freida, there is something I want to confess to you
Gran
Yes
Diego
I have never met anybody like you in my life
Gran
Never
Diego
No – I have never had a connection with anyone the way I have with you – I think I love you more than unicorns
Gran
Ooo!
Diego
I also love your physicality
Gran
My body
Diego
It is your body, it is, so, so incredible, & I love it more because it is an extension of your soul
Gran
My soul
Diego
They say that love is the wine of existence – but I woul say it is the ecstasy of existence
Gran
Ecstasy
Diego
Let us take some ecstasy tonight & become lovers
Gran
What do you mean
Diego
Ecstasy – it is the drug of love
Gran
Drugs, oh I don’t take drugs
Diego
But no – this is different – it is no dangerous, it is beautiful
Gran
What does it do to you
Diego
I know what it does to me – it turns me into a sex genius
Gran
Genius
Diego
You have heard of sexual foreplay, well, I do sexual seven play
Gran
Seven
MY SWEET, SWEET BABY
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
Gonna lick her all over
Like a slick casanova from Seville
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
My sweet, sweet baby
She’s sweeter than sugar
I’m gonna hug her, hold her close
I really want to
My sweet, sweet baby
I’m holding her closer
Like a masala dosa she’s so hot
Ow! Sizzling
You taste like a mint aero
What a lovely pink pair of earings too
They really suit you
My sweet, sweet baby
You should go on you tube
Pussycat, pussycat, pussycat purring
There’s a nice flat that I’m gonna put her in
When I find out that my phallus is stirring
Gonna make love til the magic occurring
There’s truth in the passion
What a beautiful ass you’ve got my girl
She’s sweeter than honey
My citrusy sun-is-shining girl
Gran
Alright, well, I’d best be going Diego, there’s only half an hour left in the evening meal – you know, it’s been paid for, I don’t like to waste it – but thank you for the drink
Diego
My pleasure
Gran
Right, Ok then, goodbye
Diego
We shall meet you tonight
Gran
OK
Diego
Well meet me here, I am going to take us to Capo Falcano – it is a beautiful & enchanting bay, right by the sea – a very romantic place – we can take the ecstasy there
Gran
If you like – I’ll see you later then
Diego
Until tonight
Diego
{kissing her hand}
Make sure you wear something… uncomplicated
Gran
What do you mean
Diego
Why waste time with zips & buttons
Gran
Ooh you are saucy you
Diego
Yes, I am saucy – hot sauce
Gran
What like tabasco
Diego
Hotter
Gran
Oo I’m all a flurry
Diego
Until tonight – but Listen Freda – this is the best time – we don’t know where we are going – we are just starting out – but we know were going there together
Gran exits embarrassingly – Diego’s look turns devious
The Conchordia Folio 